Why did it have to be you?
I do not own Merlin, the BBC does. This is me trying my new laptop so apologise for any mistakes. Bit of fluff and defiantly slash.
Reviews are always welcome.
Merlin was stood at the side of the room with his hands clasped tightly behind his back. He was stood with Gaius who had a genuine smile of his face. Why wouldn't he? Everyone else did. And then there he was, stood trying to put on a brave smile for he knew Arthur was glancing at him. Maybe to check he was alright or so merlin could give hi reassurance that everything would be alright. He did not know. He didn't really care. He just wanted all of this to be ver. So he could get back to his duties, tiding Arthur's room or running errands for the king or for Gaius. Anything to keep him busy and stop his mind from wandering to the King.
Arthur was looking at him now. Merlin smiled and dug his nails into his hand harder. He watched as the new husband and wife kiss and willed the tears to stay put. He could not start crying. It would raise too many questions. Slowly Arthur and Gwen made their way down the aisle and the royal party followed them. Merlin walked directly behind the couple and went in the opposite direction. It was best that he just slipped away. He did not really want to go to the reception. He would only be a servant for the entire night and there was no way of knowing when it would end. He knew just how tipsy Arthur could get and did not want anything to happen. After all, Arthur and Gwen would be leaving in a few hours for their honey moon. There would be a panel of councillors and knights that made it up and they would rule the kingdom m for the next week. The couple were going away for a week but it might be longer than that. No one really knew. But it would let merlin to get on with his work and he would not have to worry about the way he acted or what he said when he was in the presence of the king.
He opened and shut the door of Arthur's chambers and sniffed gently. He may as well get it cleaned and tided now. Who knows how long he would be in here over the next week or so? It would act as a bolt hole until the king and queen arrived back from their honeymoon and then he really had to get a grip. Arthur would never be his now. As much as he loved Gwen, he almost hated her. Almost, not quite. It was not Arthur's fault that he fell in love. All that matters is that Arthur was happy. His happiness was o longer important. He was just a cog in the machine that was the servants of Camelot.
Xxx
The last of the summer sun has just disappeared from the room. There was no point in lighting any of the candles in the room. He could see a crowd forming out in the square and the horses were being prepared for the journey. Merlin sat down on the bed and looked around him. He finally let the tears run down his face gently. He could no longer keep in his emotions. It was then he heard footsteps on the stone floor and he held his breath. The footsteps stopped just outside the room and merlin wiped the tears from his checks and rose to his feet. He handle turned and the room filled with light from the candles in the corridor.
"Merlin. Where have you been? I have been looking for you."
Merlin felt his heart beat faster and louder s that it was all be heard. His stomach flipped and tightened at the same time. He turned slowly and plastered a smile on his ace as his eyes locked with Arthurs. Merlin swallowed and took a step forward.
"If anything the matter sire?" He said, trying to keep his voice level and even.
Arthur walked back into the corridor and picked up several candles. He gently moved around the room placing candles on it as he went. He then went and stood in front of the window looking down, his back to Merlin.
"I did not see you anywhere at the banquet. You left so suddenly, why did you not tell me where you were going. I was worrying, you could let me know or at least past pass a message onto Gaius." Arthur said, his eyes glaring at Merlin.
Merlin clasped his hands behind his back, his fingernails finding the marks they left during the wedding and dug his fingers further into the skin. Merlin tried to hold his gaze steady as Arthur paced around the room almost like a caged animal.
"Aren't you going to say anything?"
Merlin swallowed again, it was like something was stuck in his throat and he couldn't breathe, his chest began to tighten and it was almost like the room was spinning and his feet were no longer on the ground. He felt something warm in his palm and knew that he had broken the skin that nevertheless he dug his fingernails deeper and deeper into his palm. Merlin shook his head gently and lowered his gaze to the floor.
Arthur stepped forward so they were only a few inches apart. Arthur must've heard Merlin's unsteady breathing and his heart beat which was getting louder and faster by the second, as Arthur's features softened and his eyes returned to the same state as they were as if Arthur was fully relaxed.
"You just worried me Merlin, you completely disappeared and no one knew where you'd gone. So please in future let me know if you're going anywhere, I don't want to be that worried again. I mean, anything could have happened to you and no one would have knew it for everyone was in the banquet hall and there was no guards on patrol. I don't like worrying Guinevere or Gaius like that. Do I make myself clear?"
Merlin nodded for the air was stuck in his throat and he had no idea what to say. It was very rare that Arthur would show an emotional side and merlin was not used to it as it was always a professional and strict relationship that they held. Even if sometimes they acted more like friends than King and manservant but no one must know this, Arthur had made that very clear.
Merlin felt Arthur's hand gently rest on his arm. He pulled away gently and took a step back from Arthur. Merlin watched as Arthur narrowed his eyes. Merlin shook his head gently.
Arthur took a step forward and Merlin edged around the desk, he had been dreading a confrontation all day and now was really not the time to do it. Arthur would be leaving soon and Merlin did not want for the both of them to be unsure about where they stood in their relationship.
"Merlin, are you actually going to tell me what's wrong or do you have to force out of you? I know it's like you to act erratically and sometimes I don't know what wrong?" Arthur said drawing closer.
Merlin stepped over to some of the candles Arthur had brought in and gestured for the king to follow him. He knew that the light was not brilliant but he wanted Arthur to know what he had done for his palm was getting more painful by the second. Arthur followed and stood close by his side Merlin could almost hear Arthur's heartbeat. Gently Merlin unclasped hands from behind his back and held them up to the light. He watched Arthur from the corner of his eye, just to see what is expression would be like, for he and Arthur never spoke about the emotional side of the relationship.
Merlin watched as Arthur gently reached out and touched the back of his hand, Arthur's fingers gently circling the area where Merlin had been digging his fingernails into his palm. In the light it looked worse than it looked, for the blood made it look like he had done much more.
"When did you do this?" Arthur said, his voice remarkably calm and steady, even early could say there is general squabbling and tears performing in his eyes. Merlin had never seen this side to Arthur, it only appeared very rarely and the last time he saw it was when his father Uther died, and Arthur had been distraught for days on end.
"I did it during the wedding ceremony."
"Can you tell me why you did this Merlin?"
Merlin was silent for a moment, thinking about what he was going to say next." You should really go down to the courtyard Sire. Gwen will be wondering where you are. It's almost time for you to leave." Merlin said, feeling his heart break in two pieces.
"Never mind that, I'm sure Gwen can wait, I know she will understand." Arthur said turning Merlin's hands over in his own. It was not very often he and Arthur had physical contact like this, even though a part of Merlin was dying inside, the excitement and thrill of having physical contact with the person that he was in love with was almost too much to bear.
"But…"
"But nothing, I want to know why you did this. And I want to know why you didn't come to me in the first place. It hurts me that you've done this to yourself. Why have you done this Merlin?"
"I don't know sire, it just sort of happened. And then I couldn't stop doing it."
"What is the real reason you been doing this Merlin, I mean, you have been avoiding me for weeks since I announced my engagement Guinevere. It's like you can't bear to be in the same room with me for longer than the same room with me for more than two minutes, and you no longer look me in the eye. You need to tell me what's wrong, you know I was always try to help you Merlin. We try and help each other, don't we?"
Merlin nodded and lowered his gaze to the floor, for he knew if you look to Arthur right there and then. Merlin felt Arthur turned him around to face him properly, but still he kept his gaze to the floor.
"Merlin please look at me." Arthur said, his voice sounded so pleading and heartbroken.
Merlin raised his eyes and looked at the King. "Arthur, I am sorry…please forgive me. Never meant for this to happen. I could not stop it, I did not want to stop it either. How could I?..." merlin trailed off as tears started to run down his face at an alarming rate.
It must have startled Arthur as in a flash, he was close to Merlin and pulling him into his arms. Merlin fell into them and sobbed as the reality of what had happened dawned on him. He clutched Arthur tighter.
"Arthur…I-"
"Arthur are you here? Did you find Merlin?" Gwen's voice echoed down the hallway, as did her footsteps. Merlin and Arthur sprang apart, merlin wiping his checks to get rid of the moisture. Arthur still looked greatly worried, then his face changed as he walked towards the door.
"Guinevere. Yes I have found him. You're alright aren't you Merlin?"
Gwen stepped into the room, her eyes instantly fixed on Merlin. She had a sad but happy look in her eyes. Merlin knew that people cared about him a great deal, but this was something that no one could help with.
"Merlin. Are you sure that you are alright?" she asked gently, placing a hand on his forearm. It was there again, trying to resist bursting into tears. He needed someone to say that it would all be ok, that he would forget about this and move on with his life. But of course he could not tell anyone about his feelings for King Arthur.
Merlin cleared his throat. "I am alright my lady." He said, his voice sounding more confident than he expected.
Gwen looked at him with a careful eye. "You take care whilst we are away. And I expect you to tell me everything that has happened."
"Yes my lady."
"Can you drop the `my lady' bit when it is just us Merlin?" she said, her smile back where it belonged.
Merlin laughed. "I will try to…Gwen."
Gwen smiled and turned on the heel, she walked back toward Arthur. "Are you ready Arthur? It is about time we began our journey, we are already late as is." Gwen said, with a back to Merlin.
Merlin watched as Arthur smiled broadly. "Yes of course my love. I will be down at the moment, I just want to talk to Merlin first, just to make sure he's okay. No longer than five minutes, I promise."
Gwen lent forward and gently kissed Arthur on the lips. Merlin could almost hear the happiness in Gwen's voice. "You better stick to that promise King Arthur. No longer than five minutes, or I'll come looking for you again." Gwen said and she turned to face Merlin. "Take care Merlin and I will see you soon. Thank you for all your help." She said and slowly walked out of the room.
Soon her footsteps died away and it was visitors left in the room once more. Merlin shifted uncomfortably on his feet and kept the eye contact with Arthur going.
"What was you going to say Merlin? Before Guinevere came in."
Merlin swallowed. "Nothing of importance Arthur, I'm sure it can wait until you return."
Arthur's brow knitted and his eyes narrowed at him. Merlin knew that he had to be careful, for Arthur had a habit of seeing straight through him and gently coaxing anything Merlin was worried out of him.
"Are you sure?" Arthur said, turning slightly towards the door.
Merlin nodded gently. "You better go down to the courtyard, Gwen will have your head of your late and I don't think it's best you upset her on your wedding day." Merlin forced a smile on his face and slowly walked towards the door.
Soon enough, merlin heard Arthur's footsteps behind him and before long beard got to the steps leading down to the courtyard. Arthur stopped Merlin on the stair just before he tried to take his place next to Gaius.
"Merlin, you know you can tell me anything. Please, when I return if there is anything bothering you, you know that you can tell me anything and I will try to support you, no matter how small you think is." Arthur was looking directly into his eyes, the hand returned to Merlin's arm and squeezed it reassuringly.
"Of course sire. Enjoy your break and I will see you when you return." Merlin said and took his place beside Gaius.
Arthur carried on down the stairs and mounted his horse next Guinevere. "Keep him out of trouble Gaius." He shouted.
Merlin watched as Gaius nodded and then the royal party began to slowly move its way out of the courtyard. An uproar of cheers and applause erupted and Merlin of the residents of the citadel, even though on the inside he was falling apart for he knew that it was all over and nothing more could be done.
Oh Arthur, why did it have to be you?