Don't be mad if I cry It just hurts so bad sometimes
I remember that day like it was yesterday. I woke up to my favorite thing in the world. Your face. Your black hair mussed over your closed eyes. Your lips slightly puckered. You were so cute while you were sleeping, little snores escaping your nose. I didn't want to wake you, so I gently untangled myself from you and slipped into the kitchen to make some toast. I prepared six slices, set three on a plate in the microwave for you, and sat on the couch with my toast and laptop in hand. I immediately became immersed in Tumblr.
A few hours later, around one in the afternoon, I reemerged from my internet-induced trance. I remember finding it odd that you hadn't woken up yet. I went to check on you, and found you still lying in bed, eyes closed. "Phil," I said quietly, "you need to wake up." You didn't stir. I sat down on the bed and rubbed your back, trying to wake you with a gentle touch. I was surprised to find your back icy cold. Well, you weren't under the covers so I thought nothing of it. "Phil?" I was getting a little impatient. I rolled you over. You were still asleep. Rolling my eyes, I moved up next to you on the bed. I decided to wait for you to wake up on your own, since you were being so stubborn. A silence settled over the room. It's never silent while you're sleeping. You always snore, always. I remember ghosting my hand over your chest. There was no steady rise and fall. You weren't breathing. Trying not to freak out, I shakily leaned down and put my ear to your chest. Straining my ears, I listened for your comforting heartbeat, the one that always calmed me down during my many crises. There was nothing. Flat line. Silence. "No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, Phil. You can't. You just can't. I began to hyperventilate. Trying not to fall into hysterics, I fumbled for my phone to dial the emergency line. I remember barely being able to grasp it; my whole form was shaking so badly. I went to dial the first nine, but something held me back. I knew; somehow, I just knew. You were gone.
'Cause everyday it's sinking in And I have to say goodbye all over again
I have woken up every morning since that day, expecting to see you lying beside me, perfectly fine. But, of course, that cannot happen. Every morning, I cry.
We had your funeral two weeks after your – departure. I couldn't let them bury you in a suit, it didn't seem right. I had them put you in one of your iconic lion shirts and skinny jeans. Your 'AmazingPhil' clothes.
During the open-casket service, your family left me alone with you for a while. I took hold of your hand, trying to ignore the abnormal coldness. I wanted to remember you as you were before: warm and always open for a cuddle. I pulled Lion out of my pocket. I fixed his mane the way you always did. Though I couldn't get it right; I never could. I tucked him into the crook of your elbow. I ran my fingers through your hair, fixing it the way you liked. I remember when you would fall asleep with your head on my lap; I would play with your hair the whole time you were asleep. It always woke you up. You would get annoyed, but then you'd just laugh and close your eyes, allowing me to continue. I pressed one last kiss to your lips, and then I had to leave before I broke down.
You know I bet it feels good To have the weight of this world Off your shoulders now I'm dreaming of the day When I'm finally there with you
I sit outside your room all the time now. I went in once, but I immediately started crying. I grabbed your duvet and ran out. I sit outside your room, wrapped in your duvet. It still smells like you. And I can't decide if that's a good thing or not. I mean, it's my favorite smell, but it makes me cry all the time. I sustain myself now on Maltesers and the last 'family-of-ten' box of Shreddies you bought. I'm going downhill, Phil. I don't know what to do.
Save a place for me, save a place for me I'll be there soon, I'll be there soon Save a place for me, save some grace for me
I'll be there soon, I'll be there soon
I have asked the questions why
But I guess the answer's for another time
So instead I'll pray with every tear
And be thankful for the time I had you here
The doctors tried to figure out what caused it, but there was no evidence of cardiac arrest, suffocation, or anything at all. They said it must have just been your time. Whatever that means. You're twenty-six; you're not supposed to just leave.
So you just save a place for me, save a place for me
I'll be there soon, I'll be there soon
Save a place for me, save some grace for me
I'll be there soon, I'll be there
Just save a place for me, save a place for me
'Cause I will be there soon
Save a place for me, save a place for me
I'll be there soon, I'll be there soon
I'm coming to see you, Phil.
I grabbed the bottle of pills out of the cabinet.
Don't be mad if I cry
It just hurts so bad