Even if she hadn't recognized the ringtone, she knew Will was the only one who would call her at this late. Really, it was approaching early. Even though she was sure he was calling to share some arcane theory about the order of the universe, probably based on the lyrics of a musical number from Oklahoma! Mackenzie allowed her heart the leap it always took when presented with Will McAvoy and steadied her voice, to not sound hopeful, "Hello?"
He skipped normal telephone etiquette and launched into the conversation he'd been rehearsing in his head, "The message."
Her heart leapt again, unsure of how to reply, she hit the ball back into his court, "The message?" she inquired.
"Don't give me that, Mac, you know goddamned well what message I'm talking about. The one that was hacked, the one you have asked me about a million fucking times. I want to tell you about the message."
Mackenzie's thoughts raced, she wanted to know, maybe she did, only if it was good, well even if it was bad, but she didn't want it to hurt and if it was really good she didn't want to hear it over the phone. "Are you high?"
"A reasonable question," he understood her trepidation. He had to consider his state of consciousness was at the moment. "Not high, not drunk, but I have imbibed, more a state of relaxed agitation."
"Agitated how? Angry? Because I really don't have the energy to be raked over the coals anymore. I fucked up everything and now I just need to immerse myself in home shopping television until my brain shuts down." He must have been able to hear the fear behind her stalling the conversation.
She tracked how fast items ticked off the counter, each time amazed by the bursts of frenzied buying as the numbers dwindled. Will took a deep drag and remembered countless times he'd pried the remote out of her sleeping hand to turn that shit off. "The day had me agitated, not you. I'm an ass, but I'm not going to chase you down in the middle of the night to berate you. Do you want to know what the fucking message said or not?"
"I did. I guess I do, I'm just a little afraid of it now. You've waited so long that it has grown into this beast and I'm not sure I can face it. Yes. No, wait, can I get a drink first?"
He conceded, "Another reasonable question, but what the hell else are we going to talk about with this looming over the conversation?"
Oh, she was quick on that one. "Anything, really. The weather is always an option. Sports? How about those Yankees?" She took a chance and with a trill asked, "are you in bed?" He smiled. It had been a game they played before, not really phone sex as much as the tease of it. He growled, "I'm not asking what you are wearing. I'm saying we can't have any normal conversation now, until the other one is over."
Well, that gave her pause. There was a possibility of conversation after he revealed what was in the message, which meant it couldn't be all bad. She was searching her liquor cabinet, nothing sounded right. "What should I have?" Before he could mouth the word, she said "I'm out of seems too festive, damn, I need a contemplative alcohol."
Will listened to the bottles clinking. "Mac, don't you have some wine, I promise this won't be anymore painful than making me wait. You've waited weeks for me to tell you, now you're holding out on me?! Incredible."
"Stop it, Billy. I'm nervous. I know you fortified with Scotch to prepare, but I am completely off guard here, you told me you don't remember. I mean, I knew you were lying, but it is three a.m. This isn't fair!" She did have an open bottle of Cab in the kitchen. she poured it into a lowball glass and brought it out to the patio. "Alright, I've got it, I'm sitting. You must start at the beginning."
"No interrupting, until I'm done?" he asked or insisted.
"How will I know you are done?" God, she was so... Mac.
"You'll know," He took a long drag and steeled himself for his speech. It was embellished from what he had said in the original message, but more complete and, eidetic memory be damned he wasn't going to get this wrong. "Okay?" He wasn't sure if he was asking Mackenzie or himself, but took her "Mmmhmm" as a reason to go continue. "Hey, Listen, it's me, I'm not just saying this because I'm high right now. If the answer is 'no' just do me a favor and don't call me back or bring it up or anything. But I have to tell you, I mean after tonight, I really want to tell you that I've never stopped loving you. I was hurt and pissed as hell, and damned if I didn't fucking try to get you out of my heart, but I couldn't, never can. Tonight you trusted me when I gave you no reason to, I've been such a complete dick to you and I guess I really just wanted to say thank you and I'm sorry and I love you. I'm not going to sleep tonight, so call me back when you get this, or, you know, not. Okay, well, bye."
There was a long silence, Mackenzie couldn't stop forming questions, they began spilling out of her, "Never stopped? I'm in your heart? Like, right now, you love me? Is that what you are telling me over the fucking phone in the middle of the night? What am I supposed to do now? Come running? You thought I heard that and ignored it? Do you want to get back together, I mean, is that even possible? God dammit, Billy, why are we on the phone for this conversation?" Finally, she stopped, he imagined for air but he took the opportunity to reply.
"Never stopped, but I guess, according to Habib, I sorta got off on the pain of being hurt by someone I loved? It sounds like total bullshit, the whole abuse thing, but it's better than thinking I'm a total unmitigated prick. Yes, you are in my heart, I swear I can fucking feel the ache right behind my breastbone, everyday, right now. I am, apparently, not only an ass, but also a coward and the reason we are having this conversation on the phone is because I text so fucking slow and had to fortify myself with Glenlevit before I could do this. I can think of a number of things I'd like for you to do right now, most of which start with running, but I think I should salvage some scrap of masculinity and be the one to pursue you. You should be chased, loved and goddamn kept.
"Which brings me to another thing I've been thinking about, it was not all your fault. I didn't force you into Brenner's bed, but I sure as fuck didn't do everything I could to keep you in mine. Habib helped me with this too." He heard her sigh and start to correct him, but he continued. "I keep my feelings very close to the vest Mac, I pushed you away by not letting you in. I just can't fucking live like this. I don't want what we had before. Alone with you was a hell of a lot better than alone without you, but I think what I really want is to be not alone, with you. Jesus, can you understand me? I'm not sure I can."
Mackenzie couldn't form words and didn't want him to hear the tears in her voice.
"Mac?" this was the most frightened Will McAvoy had been since he was 10 years old.
Finally, she managed one more question, "Are you going to come over now?"