Date Night
Harley Quinn often thought of herself as the mother to three children. Although she had only given birth to a set of twins, their father could hardly be described as a normal, responsible man, and was actually more like a child himself – he loved to play with people and have fun, he was easily amused and easily bored, and he threw the world's worst temper tantrums. Granted, his tantrums usually ended with the death of hundreds of innocents, but maybe if a child had his genius and resourcefulness and access to weapons, theirs might as well.
She was thinking this as she folded the laundry, humming and smiling as she heard the rumbling and screaming from the roof. Her kids were clearly having a good time, and that was all she could ask. She was pleased and happy to be the one to look after them, all three of them. They needed her. And Harley liked feeling needed.
"Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!" cried her son J.J., rushing into the room and leaping into her arms. "You gotta try the roller coaster!"
"Aw, sweetie, I'd love to, but Mommy's got a lotta housework to do…" began Harley.
"Nope, you gotta try the roller coaster!" he interrupted, seizing her hand and pulling her toward the door. "C'mon!"
Harley smiled. Her son certainly had inherited his parents' determination, and she was just as incapable of refusing him as she was his father. J.J. pulled her up the stairs onto the roof, where a giant roller coaster with several loops had been built on top of the building. The car slowed to a stop in front of them amid hysterical laughter from their daughter Arleen, and the Joker, who cuddled her tightly.
"Again, again, again!" shrieked Arleen, clapping her hands excitedly.
"In a second, sweetie," Joker said, kissing her nose. "We gotta get your Mommy and brother on this thing! Climb aboard, sweets!" he said, leaping out of the car and gesturing for Harley to climb in.
"You know I got a lotta work to do, Mr. J…" began Harley, but he pulled her down next to him as J.J. sat in front next to his sister.
"All work and no play makes Batman," he retorted. "And you don't wanna turn into Batman, do ya, sweets? You gotta cut loose and have a little fun sometimes!" he said, pulling the safety bar down. Arleen and J.J. strained forward eagerly, giggling happily as the roller coaster climbed up the track.
"Takes me back to that time we made whoopie cushion on a roller coaster, pooh," murmured Joker, kissing her cheek.
"Yeah…that was awkward with the loops, Mr. J," agreed Harley. "We nearly fell out a couple times…"
"And that's what made it fun, cupcake!" he giggled. "A perfect blend of love and near death experiences! What could be better than that?"
"Look, Daddy, no hands!" cried J.J., throwing his arms up as the roller coaster reached its peak and began to descend. His sister joined him, giggling and screaming as the car shot down. Harley clung tightly onto Joker, screaming as the roller coaster shot up and down, veering left and right. Her terror was held in check by his strong arms around her waist, and his insanely happy laugh.
On the second loop, J.J. and Arleen, who weren't holding onto the safety rail, suddenly dropped out of the car. "Babies!" shrieked Harley, terrified, but she was relieved to see them land on a trampoline beneath them. They bounced up and down, giggling hysterically and clearly completely unfazed by the drop.
"Jump, kiddies!" shouted Joker, holding out his arms as the car sped past the trampoline. They obeyed, leaping back into the car as it climbed again.
"That was great, Daddy!" said J.J., turning to beam at him.
"Told you it was better with no hands, J.J.!" said Joker, grinning.
"Yeah, it would have been nice if your Daddy had told me what was gonna happen, so I didn't almost die of a heart attack," said Harley, pointedly.
Joker giggled. "Joke's no fun if you know the punchline, pumpkin," he murmured, kissing her. "But Daddy will make it up to you on the grown-ups only roller coaster ride tonight."
Harley grinned, kissing him again as the ride stopped. She loved everything about her life. Ever since the kids had come along, Joker had even started paying less attention to Batman in favor of them, which was at it should be, thought Harley.
"This is a great roller coaster, Daddy," said J.J., leaping out. "Can we leave it up all the time?"
"Aw, I wish we could, J.J., but it might attract flying rodents," said Joker, picking up Arleen and then helping Harley out of the car. "I'm reliably informed that the Bat Buzzkill is away in Metropolis for a couple weeks, which is how I could set this thing up. But I'll have the guys take it down before he gets back. Don't worry though – we can always rebuild it in the basement. Only you won't have this great view!" he said, gesturing out at the Gotham skyline.
"You know what would make this extra pretty, Daddy?" asked Arleen. "Fireworks."
"You got it, baby!" laughed Joker, pulling a detonator out of his pocket. A nearby building suddenly exploded, sending fireworks up into the sky. Arleen cackled in glee.
"Thanks, Daddy!" she cried, leaping into his arms.
"No problem, princess!" he said. "Your Mommy always loved fireworks too – makes you feel all tingly inside, huh, pooh?" he asked, grinning at Harley.
"They're not the only thing that does that, puddin'," purred Harley, kissing his cheek.
"C'mon, J.J.," said Joker, heading for the stairs. "Got another surprise for you."
"I dunno what could possibly beat a roller coaster on the roof," said J.J., as they headed down the hall. Joker opened a door and J.J. stood there, gaping. "Maybe that," he murmured.
One of the rooms in the hideout had been converted into a giant, life-size pillow fort. "Daddy, you're the best!" cried Arleen. "I got a real castle now! I really am a princess!"
"You sure are!" he said, kissing her. "Look – I got your room set up right here," he said, leading her over to one of the many rooms in the pillow fort.
"Cool! A TV!" exclaimed J.J. "And a gamestation!" he said, seizing the control and settling himself in front of the screen. "Thanks, Daddy!"
"Yeah, pretty much everything you'll need should be lying around here somewhere," said Joker. "And if it ain't, let me know and I'll get it. Though I'll probably spend a fair amount of time in here myself – it's just the place to make plans to kill Batsy! So atmospheric!"
Arleen gasped as she saw the room Joker had prepared for her – it was made of pink pillows, Arleen's favorite color. In the center of the room was a gold-gilded mirror, and a wardrobe full of princess dresses of varying styles, and another wardrobe full of cuddly animals, including her favorite, unicorns.
"Thank you, Daddy!" she shrieked, jumping up and down. "Thank you, thank you, thank you!"
"And I got you some pretty jewelry to go with those dresses, princess," he said, opening a chest to reveal tiaras, necklaces, and bracelets, all featuring real jewels, and all of them stolen. Not that Arleen knew that, or would have cared if she did. She squeaked happily, leaping into her father's arms and covering him with kisses.
Bud and Lou, their pet hyenas, had been napping in their very own room in the pillow fort, but woke up at the shrieks, yawning and stretching. They came over to nuzzle against the family, licking them in greeting.
"J.J., you're sitting too close to the TV," said Harley. "You'll damage your eyes."
"Sorry, Mommy," said J.J., scooting back. Harley watched the game he was playing with narrowed eyes. "Puddin'!" she called.
"Hmm?" he asked, leaving Arleen to try on her dresses.
"Doncha think this game's a little too violent for J.J.?" she asked. "He's only eight, after all."
"It's fine, Mommy – it's just red pixels," retorted J.J., as he speared a zombie through the face. "It's not real violence or anything," he added, blowing another one's head off.
"And it never hurts to practice your aim!" chuckled Joker. "I'm sure he can handle it, pooh. He's a bright kid."
"Yeah, but I've read stuff that says violent video games can lead to violent behavior in kids," said Harley. "I'd hate for J.J. to be the type to find a gun and go on a killing spree."
"Oh, he won't do that, pooh bear," said Joker, patting J.J.'s head fondly. "I've taught him that killing people is never right unless you got a joke to go with it. You'd never go out shooting randomers, would you, J.J.?"
"No, Daddy," agreed J.J. "Only if I got a punchline."
"There, y'see?" said Joker, beaming. "Nothing to worry about." He watched the screen, frowing. "Although frankly a pistol is a stupid weapon to use in a zombie apocalypse. I'd go for a shotgun."
"Or an AK-47," agreed J.J., nodding. "I'd go for a semi-automatic myself, Daddy, if I had a choice. Maybe even a bazooka. But you have to start with the pistol and then collect the real weapons from the bodies of people whose brains the zombies have eaten."
"See? It teaches life lessons, Harl," said Joker. "Nothing in life is handed to you – you gotta work hard to get the stuff you want."
"How do I look, Mommy and Daddy?" asked Arleen, emerging in a pink princess dress with a diamond tiara, and clutching a white unicorn with rainbow hair.
"Like the precious little diamond you are!" exclaimed Joker, hugging her tightly. "I'm getting the camera!"
Harley cooed over her daughter, fixing her hair, as Joker reappeared with the camera. "Smile for Daddy!" he said, snapping hundreds of pictures of her. "You got such a beautiful smile, princess! Now sing a bit of your song!"
Arleen had managed to land the starring role in her school's play this year, a version of the musical Annie. While it was true that she did have a pretty voice, and could act the role well enough, rumors persisted that her father had threatened to murder all the staff at the school unless his little girl was given the lead part. Either way, Arleen had got it, and Joker changed the camera's settings to video as he recorded Arleen singing "The sun'll come out tomorrow" in her princess dress.
"Not sure how an orphan could afford diamonds, but who cares?" chuckled Joker. "J.J., stop blasting zombies for a second, will ya? I can't hear your sister singing over their death screams!"
"Sure thing, Daddy," said J.J., pausing the game. He headed over to play with Bud and Lou while his parents gazed with teary eyes at Arleen singing.
She finished the song, and curtseyed to the rapturous applause. "Aw, baby, you're gonna knock their socks off!" chuckled Joker, picking her up and kissing her. "You got your Daddy's talent and showmanship!"
"I'm kinda nervous, Daddy," she said. "I've never sung in front of a big audience before."
"Nervous?" he repeated. "My little girl's not nervous! She's got performance in her blood! Nothing your Mommy and me like better than a captive audience, literally!" he chuckled. "Ain't that right, Harley?"
"You're gonna do great, baby," said Harley, kissing her. "They'll just love you."
"Yeah, they'd better," agreed Joker. "Or they're gonna be smiling themselves to death, sweetie."
"How can you smile yourself to death, Daddy?" asked Arleen.
"Just a figure of speech, precious," he said, patting her head. The children weren't aware that their parents were homicidal maniacs – it wasn't just something you mentioned casually over dinner. They had been meaning to tell them – they had to find out eventually, after all. But the time had never seemed right.
They heard a telephone ring suddenly. "I'll get it," said J.J., heading over to a different part of the pillow fort. "Joker residence. If you ain't snappy, I won't be happy."
Joker gave his son a thumbs up – that was how he'd been taught to answer the phone. J.J. handed it over to him. "It's for you," he said, returning to his game.
"Joker, old friend! It's Oswald," said the voice of the Penguin on the other end.
"Pengers! What can I do ya for, Birdbrain?" asked Joker, heading over to his makeshift desk in the pillow fort.
"I have a certain…business arrangement I'd like to discuss with you, but it's far too confidential to speak about over the phone. Can you and your lovely ladyfriend join me at the Iceberg Lounge for dinner tomorrow evening?"
"Aw, love to, Pengers!" exclaimed Joker. "We'll bring the kiddy winks!"
"No," said Penguin, hastily. "No, don't bring the children. Find someone to look after them for one evening – I'm sure Miss Ivy would be willing. But these…arrangements are not for the ears of children. I'm sure you understand."
"Oh. Ok, say no more," said Joker, shrugging. "I'll call the Plant Lady and get back to you. Speak soon!"
"Yes…speak soon," said Penguin, but Joker had already hung up the phone. He hung up his, looking up at the men standing in front of his desk, more specifically at the barrels of their guns, which were pointed at him. Nobody spoke for several tense minutes, and then the phone rang again.
"Hello?" said Penguin, answering it. "Yes. I'm glad. See you tomorrow night, old friend. Goodbye."
He hung up the phone again. "He's coming," he murmured to the men. "With Harley. They'll be here tomorrow night."
The leader of the men grinned, lighting up a cigarette. "And we'll be here waiting for 'em," he murmured. "Be sure to fix 'em a good meal, Oswald. It's gonna be their last."