It's a funny thing… coming home. Everything still looks the same, and it even feels the same. It just takes a while to realize that it's you who've changed. And that sometimes it's too late to go back. Because no matter how much we wish to do things over our wishes go unheard and our prayers go unanswered.
I can't tell you how long its been since I was home, or how long its been since the last time I saw or spoke to my family, or when the last time I answered any of their calls. And now I'm home. Not willingly, but because it's the only thing my mother wanted for Christmas this year. I really couldn't deny her this. I'd denied her too many of the other things in my life. I couldn't stay away forever, no matter how much I wished it were possible.
It was so cold that I could see my breath as I exhaled. Is this really a good idea? I mean, I haven't been home since I left for college almost four years ago. And now, here I am… there's no turning g back though. I was already here and I didn't travel halfway across the country to just turn around. This is it, I thought with a sigh. At least I'll have some support, I mused faintly. DiDi, my best friend, who agreed to come with me to spend the holidays with me and my family, would be here in the morning with Ly, my boyfriend of two years. I had thought it best we not arrive at the same time. This would be an interesting meeting of the family… more awkwardness to handle on my part, I assumed, as I had been away so long. I was scared that they wouldn't accept me anymore. Scared that they wouldn't accept me anymore. Scared that I wouldn't know who any of them were anymore. How much had they changed since I'd been gone? How much had I changed? I had basically packed up and left with little-to-no warning. I wouldn't blame any of them if they were angry at me. I was angry at me for what I'd done but I had to do it; I'd needed to get out and be my own person. I couldn't continue to just be in the shadow of everyone else anymore. I had wanted to be my own person, and make my own mistakes. Wanted to experience new things, see new places and meet new faces other than the ones in my tiny town of Seymour Ct. With my bags packed and acceptance letter in had, I had gotten into my car and not looked back. But here I was four years latter, a different person than the one I had left as.
I raised my glove covered hand and knocked twice on the old oak door of my childhood. There were so many things running through my head at the moment. How many times had I just waltzed into the house without knocking? How many times had I forgotten my key? How many birthday parties had taken place inside these walls? How many scraped knees had been patched? How many kisses given? How many laughs had been shared? Tears cried? I closed my eyes tight and sighed as I slowly brought my hand back to my side, where it hung limply at my thoughts. I could hear movement on the other side of the door, and I didn't know if it was dread or relief that I was feeling in the pit of my stomach. I quickly decided that it was dread as I heard the knob slowly turn. I kept my eyes closed and my head down as someone opened the door. I don't know if I can face them like this, I thought; surely I was a wreck. I guess I really wasn't ready for this.
An awkward silence fell over the doorway. I took a deep breath and raised my eyes to meet the eyes of one of my eight brothers. Brown met hazel. The silence continued. Thinking of the last time I'd seen him, I was almost certain that he was going to slam the door in my face, but he didn't. For that I was eternally grateful, I couldn't take it after everything id gone through recently. I fear that would break me beyond repair. Derek, my youngest older brother just stood there and stared. The tension was so thick it could be sliced with a knife. I didn't like this feeling at all. I felt my throat drop into my stomach and I almost cried right then and there. But I really needed to hold it together, if not for me, but for everyone else. My strength didn't last long though.
I don't know whether it was from the cold or just all of the build up emotions, but my eyes started to water uncontrollably. Before I could even attempt to blink them away I was pulled into his warm embrace was he wiped away my tears, my head barely up to his shoulder. Internally I cursed my shortness, even at a time like this. I don't know how long we stood in the doorway, but when we finally pulled apart he dragged me into the house and shut the door behind me. The warmth of the house hugged me, melted off the chill from outside. I closed my eyes and just relished the feeling of finally being home, somewhere I was always welcome. I don't know how I spent so much time away. Even if things weren't the best between us all we were still a family, and that's all that mattered at this point in time. When I reopened my eyes I was surrounded by my brothers, all of them towering over me. My father, leaning of the stair rail, gave me one of his famous smiles and I couldn't not smile back. My family was whole again. That's all that mattered. That's all I wanted.
My heart melted when I saw the flash of William's white teeth, and heard his velvet voice saying, quietly, "Welcome home."