a/n: Well hello everyone and welcome to my first posted Kingdom Hearts story. I am your host, Leon's missing jacket. I have seen many stories on this site that explore Sora's side and explain things from his point of view but I wanted to write a fic where Riku's thoughts and feelings (however angsty they are) are displayed. I am somewhat happy with how this fic turned out. The first version I wrote was kind of iffy and so this went through a series of revisions until it became the story it is today. It still might need a little more work. There was more that went with this fic which could have turned this into a multi-chaptered fic but I was not sure whether I wanted it to go that way. So I have no idea whether I'm going to turn this little piece into a multi-chaptered story or just leave it as a one-shot. Well I hope you all enjoy and tell me what you think!
Disclaimer: I do not own kingdom hearts, however I do own the games and many pretty pictures of the characters that are hung up on the walls of my room…takes a moment to gaze at them, drooling
Warning: Riku might seem a little OOC to some readers, but some of his emotions are based on my interpretations of his character. So, not to sound rude or mean, I don't care if you don't like how he is shown in this story. I will just laugh at any flames that I get, complaining that he's OOC. I do not think that he is really some "strong macho guy" like other fics I've read that portray him as such. Yes, he is sexy and kickass but I also believe he can cry like everyone else and have times where he is almost about to break down.
The paragraph and diolouge structure might also be messed up…I blame this on because everytime I loaded the story it came out like this. I also realize that my asterisks and page break symbols are might be missing (they were the last time I tried to load this story), so you might have a hard time determining when and where it switches to a new scene. And I apologise bows Just know that whenever theres a switch from riku's POV to a flashback or when hes talking to Sora and after it's a new scene change.
laughs sorry I am in a ranting mood today, so on with the fic!
Chapter 1:
God I'm pathetic.
This single thought echoed in my mind as I sat here wrapped up in this solitude. I was depressed. Why? Because I had missed another chance to tell Sora, the subject of my affection for years, how I felt about him. On top of that, I had also made a fool of myself in front of every single one of my friends.
Sometimes I felt like I wanted to die.
Oh wait, I'm supposed to be the strong one. The one everyone looks up to and admires – fuck that. Maybe I'm being a little bit extreme – but I don't care. It's not like I'd ever actually kill myself or even attempt to.
I feel my eyes shut tight as more tears escape. I wonder what Sora would think if he saw me crying. Hold on, I forgot that he's already seen me cry once today. Damn this depression for making me feel like this.
When I first realized I was in love with the idiot, I remember I was so scared. I thought: 'feelings like this can't be normal.' I was afraid of all my friends hating me, shunning me because I was in love with a guy. I was even more afraid of what would happen if my parents found out. My father had already expressed his opinion on the whole "gay" issue when he had pulled me aside one day and told me that if I ever became one of those "fags" then I would be disowned and kicked out of the house for good. Knowing mother, she would go along with whatever dad said. My parents never really did care about me….
I was eleven years old when I knew I loved him, and for four years I've been keeping it a secret from everyone. Eventually I told Tidus, but only because he had sort of figured it out on his own. It was only just recently that I decided (with a little persuasion from Tidus) to bury my pride and confess to him, and I had screwed up again! I had let my emotions take control and I said things I shouldn't have. That bitch Kairi certainly hadn't helped things either. It was her that messed things up in the first place. If she hadn't been there then things wouldn't have turned out that bad...
flashback
"……….. and then….Riku? Riiiiiku….you alright?" Tidus asked as he waved a hand in front of the silver haired boy's face.
Riku didn't move, didn't speak, he just sat there, glaring across at Sora and Kairi, who were a little too close to one another for his liking. Tidus sighed and his hand flopped down to his side.
"What? Oh. Sorry Tidus, I guess I just spaced out…again…"
"Just go over there and talk to him already! I know you want to."
"I can't…." Riku muttered, shifting his gaze for a moment to look sadly at the blond boy.
Tidus crossed his arms and gave him a stern look.
"Nu-uh. You aren't doing this to yourself again."
"What's the point?" Riku replied. "He's not like that anyways."
"How do you know? For all you know he could be harboring a secret love for you like you do for him!"
"I just………..know."
His eyes traveled back to the two and he continued to watch them. Without hesitation the girl turned her body towards Sora, leaned in and gave him a quick, silent kiss.
Tidus's eyes widened. He glanced at Riku and saw that he was pissed off. His fists were clenched and he was staring at Kairi with murder in his eyes. 'Oh shit….'
"Riku? Come on buddy. Let's sit down and talk about this for a few minutes."
The silver haired boy growled dangerously.
"Look. I promise you, if you rush into this situation without stopping and
thinking it over you will regret it."
"No one has the right to touch my Sora like that!"
Before Tidus could grab him, Riku got to his feet and stormed over to them, causing them to break apart and blush furiously under his gaze. After she got over her embarrassment, Kairi smiled seductively and wrapped her arms around the still red faced Sora, addressing Riku.
"Well hello Riku, give us just a few more minutes, I'm not quite done with him yet."
'Who does this bitch think she is?'
He watched as her smile grew wider, and she looked from Sora to Riku, running her tongue over her lips. His arms shook visibly and his chest began to heave. He just had to say something, anything to get his best friend away from her.
"Actually, Kairi……I was hoping I could talk to Sora for a few minutes….."
The girl frowned at him, then reached up and began running her hands through Sora's spiky, cinnamon hair.
"It can wait." She said simply.
"Acutally it's pretty important, I need him now!" He replied, not even bothering to keep the edge out of his voice.
Riku watched, almost in amazement, as Kairi's face changed from her normal nice smile to a hateful glare. She looked really pissed off and was now hanging onto a now thoroughly confused Sora like he was a lifeline in the middle of a stormy ocean.
"I said it can wait, Riku! Go away now!"
"No way!" he roared at her. "I need him now!"
Everyone else around the bickering teenagers grew quiet as they watched the two fight. Sora himself looked like he was lost, looking back and forth from Riku to Kairi, every now and then opening his mouth like he wanted to say something but then closing it again.
"Riku, no one wants you around anyway, so just go!"
"That's not true! Sora wants me around! He's my best friend, unlike you! You aren't my friend, you never were!"
What was happening to him, Riku wondered. Why did he even care? Why was he acting like a bastard? Well it was too late to turn back, besides he really did need to talk to Sora.
"Come on Sora, let's go." Riku said angrily, holding out his hand to help the younger boy up off the ground.
Sora looked at the hand, then back up to Riku. He gulped nervously, and then, adverting his eyes to look over at Kairi, he replied:
"Actually Riku, I'm going to stay here, there are a few things Kairi and I need to...discuss…"
Kairi's expression changed from rage to joy. She nuzzled his neck affectionately, all the while smirking at Riku with an 'I told you so.' Riku felt crushed. His Sora was choosing that, that bitch instead of him? He withdrew his hand and opened his mouth, thinking of what to say to this. He hadn't expected that Sora would actually consider Kairi. Did this mean that he actually liked her? Was he happy that she was expressing an interest in him?
"Fine then!" he yelled at the both of them. "I guess she was right! I guess no one does want me around, including you!"
As he said this hot tears of anger began to fall down his cheeks. He brought his gloved hand up to his face in a futile attempt to get rid of the sign of weakness he was showing everyone. This time it was Sora's turn to reach for the other boy, showing him the obvious guilt he felt at causing him pain. Not noticing this, Riku whirled around so no one could see his tears and started running.
"You could've at least told me, Sora!"
"Riku wait!" Sora screamed after him, jumping up and running after the boy.
Kairi glared at the silver haired boy's retreating form.
end flashback
Damn, everything hurts so badly. The gods must really hate me if they allow me to suffer like this.
"Riku?"
Sora? Oh shit, now I know the gods hate me…….
"Riku."
I visibly twitched. Why did he to have to come looking for me? Why couldn't he have left me alone to nurse the wounds on my heart in peace? I heard him slowly approach from behind me, I guess he was afraid I would run off again or something.
"Riku, what's wrong with you today?"
No, Sora I want to be the one to ask the questions. Why are you even here?
"I've never seen you act like this before. First you get into a fight with Kairi over who knows what and then you run away crying!"
Could the fact that I'm in love with my best friend be the reason? Hmmm….I don't know, maybe I should go and consult a shrink on why I'm not being normal enough for you, Sora!
"The Riku I know never cries."
Oh yes that's right, go ahead and slap a label on me that says I'm the boy without feelings. Way to make me feel even less human.
"Riku…."
Damn why does he always have to say my name like that?
"Come on Riku, you can tell me."
No, actually I can't. I wanted to tell you, but because of the little black cloud of stupidity that is constantly hanging over my head, it's too late. I jump when I feel a hand press down on my shoulder. How in the hell did he get so close without me knowing it? I feel my eyes begin to burn with the weight of unshed tears.
"Please?"
Okay, this needs to end. Now. Before I break down and make a fool of myself in front of him again. I shake off the hand and whisper.
"Leave me alone Sora."
He doesn't say anything for a few moments. I can practically sense the heat radiating off him. Yeah you heard me right Sora, just leave me and run back to your new girlfriend. You don't need me anymore.
"No Riku! I want to know what's going on!"
I'm crying again. I just couldn't hold back my tears any longer. Why won't he just leave? I know he's waiting for me to answer, but I don't know if I can speak again without completely breaking down. This is like some screwed up nightmare. A few more minutes pass between us. You know what? I don't care if he knows I'm crying. I need to let him know I'm sorry for causing him this pain. Taking a deep breath, I lift my head and stare directly into his eyes. He's shocked at my tears like I knew he would be.
"I'm sorry."
He blinks, and then gives me a small smile which tells me I'm forgiven. I feel relieved.
"It's alright, I know you didn't mean to do that to her."
Wait….what? He thinks I'm apologizing for that? Hell no! He moves over to me and sits down.
"So are you going to tell me what's wrong?"
Fine, if he wants to believe I'm feeling guilty for fighting with Kairi, then he can. Trying to keep the bitterness out of my voice, I reply:
"I'll tell you one day Sora, but not now."
More like never. God this day really isn't turning out like I wanted it to….All I want to do now is crawl away and die somewhere. He nods at my words, understanding, or thinking he understands, that I don't want to talk about it anymore…
"Okay I won't try to force it out of you anymore since you apologized, and I'm sorry too that I yelled at you earlier."
"It's okay."
Again I'm trying not to cry. How could you be so naïve Sora? He kneels down in front of me and addresses me like I'm a kid.
"Are you going to be okay?"
I can tell he wants to leave, he must miss Kairi already.
"Yeah I'll be fine."
Yeah sure, I'll spit out another lie just to make him feel better.
"Good!"
Well I've accomplished the meaning of my pathetic life. I'm now ready to be taken to heaven, hell, or whatever there is. Sora gets up and brushes the sand off his shorts. Before he leaves, he flashes me another one of his famous grins, then runs off. I gaze after him and even continue to do so when he is no longer in my sight. I'm all alone now…..Just what I wanted, but inside my heart is breaking….
I choked back a sob as I head for home. It's alright; it really is, if he likes her. I can get through this. I'll continue to live life like I always have….I'll pretend to be happy and just look the other way when they hold hands and when they kiss…….I'll be alright…..won't I?
A/N: Well, there you have it. The end of my first Kingdom Hearts fic. Or is it………? I hope you all enjoyed it. Please give me lots of love! hint reviewshint Also, I would love constructive criticism if you have any. I know there are at least some problems with this story and I would appreciate it if you pointed them out to me so I can revise this and (hopefully) make it better. Well, thank you all for taking the time to read this.