Disclaimer: We don't own Ruroken, and we don't own a magazine, so please don't get peeved with us. Also, we don't own "Only the Beginning", though "Out of Time" and Ushiro are mine, so I can do whatever I want to them (Muahahahahaha!!!)
… Ahem…
Lastly, for those few Ruroken characters who are real people, and for those who may find offense in some of the responses… this isn't politically correct by any means, but it also isn't meant in any disrespectful way. It's only humor. Thank you
Author's Note: Half-written by SiriusFan13. Consultant… Shirou Shinjin. Thank you. Most of this stuff is based on the anime or manga. A few entries pertain to specific fanfictions (such as "Out of Time" and "Only the Beginning").
And to the fanfiction(dot)net people. This has been carefully edited, and is not a list, blooper, or anything, regardless of its appearance. It's a humor fiction set in a specific format. Please read through it before you fuss about it or decide to pull it. Thanks so much. We appreciate it.
Meiji Times: A Magazine for All of Your Ruroken Needs
Letters to the Editor:
Issue 1--
Reader: Dear XXX, My wife died years ago (I swear that I stabbed her on accident!), and I'm really depressed. I've tried everything. Wandering from place to place atoning for my sins. Breaking laws with my sword. Pretending to be an idiot. Letting girls beat me up… but nothing seems to work. Now I have an abusive girlfriend who thinks I want to marry her. I'm afraid I might kill her, too. What should I do?
-Himura Kenshin
XXX: Dear Kenshin, have you ever considered becoming a homosexual? Your pretty red hair is sure to be a hit with the lads! Then you don't have to worry about SENSELESSLY MURDERING WOMEN, YOU BASTARD.
Love, XXX.
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Issue 2--
Reader: Dear XXX, I am having issues with my boyfriend. See, he doesn't want to be my boyfriend. And he has a girlfriend. But we are meant to be together. Once he gets over this whole "conquer Japan and make it burn" thing, I want to settle down with him in Kyoto... or whatever city might still be standing. Can you help me?
--Kamatari
P.S. Oh, yeah. He seems to have some problem with me being a boy, too. Can you help with that?
XXX: Dear Kamatari: We have a nice readhead for you who would be PERFECT. See issue #1. Just don't get in his way. Ever.
--XXX
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Issue 3--
Reader: Dear XXX--My deshi committed seppuku and is dead. How do I continue to show my dominance, when I can't actually kick his sorry ass anymore?
--Hiko the great
XXX: Dear Hiko: there are numerous texts available from your local library on the subject of necromancy. May I recommend the Necronomicon for its excellent treatise on the perpetual reanimation and subjugation of one's subordinates? You should probably ensure a healthy supply of goat's blood before beginning, however.
--XXX
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Issue 4--
Reader: Dear XXX--I want to be the strongest. I am avenging the deaths of my friends by killing the current strongest ishin-shishi hitokiri, even though he's no longer a hitokiri. And he tried to save my friends' lives. And he saved my own. But he has to die for me to be the strongest. How can I defeat him?
--Aoshi
XXX: They say the best revenge is living well. They are wrong. You're going about this all wrong. To truly destroy someone, you need to go after their friends, family, loved ones, pets, favourite possessions, even random people on the street they talk to. This person will eventually be so overcome with guilt and sorrow that they'll off themselves for you!
That, or they'll come and brutally murder you in your sleep, but at least you won't have to worry about fighting him anymore.
Let me direct you to our revenge department head, Yukoshiro Enishi. I'm sure he can give you some additional pointers.
--XXX
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Issue 5--
Reader: Dear XXX, I'm having trouble getting over the loss of my sister. She talks to me and tells me things. I think I should kill her murderer, but she gets kind of weird about that idea. What should I do?
--Enishi
XXX: Dear Enishi: begin drinking. Heavily. Continue until the voices either go away or take control of you.
--XXX
P.S. If this is the Enishi from our revenge department, STOP SENDING US LETTERS! You work for us, for God's sake!
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Issue 6--
Reader: Dear XXX--- My husband killed my fiance, and then killed me when I killed the man who he was fighting. It was an accident, but he still seems pretty bummed about it. How can I help?
--Tomoe
XXX: Dear Tomoe: Clearly, haunting him is the only solution. Although at first it might appear he is being tortured by your incorporeal presence, he will doubtlessly begin to understand that you forgive him and love him. Only through this will he ever know peace.
--XXX
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Issue 7--
Reader: Dear XXX--- The ghost of my dead wife is haunting me. What does she want?!
-- Kenshin
XXX: Dear Kenshin: she wants you to suffer for the heinous crimes you have committed. No penance but your own death could possibly assuage the spirits of those you have brutally murdered.
She wants a ringside seat to you burning in hell, buddy. Only through seppuku will you know peace.
Love, XXX
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Issue 8--
Reader: Dear XXX--When I watch the anime, I can't find my character. And for some reason, people keep spitting on me and calling me Mary Sue. It's getting annoying. Can you help?
-- The most amazing female hitokiri in the world, skilled at everything, and ravishingly beautiful
XXX: Dear Tmafhitwsaeavb: they hate you because of their intense, burning jealousy. The truth is that you are just too incredible and awesome for their tiny, shrivelled minds to comprehend. You OWE it to the world to do everything you can to remind them constantly of your awesomeness. Never be afraid to tell any random person just how much better and utterly flawless you are. One day, they will finally realise how absolutely vital to the universe you are, and it will ALL be worth it.
--XXX
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Issue 9--
Reader: Dear XXX, why did my author kill me off so quickly? I didn't even get to die a cool death. I just got sick. Her readers are pissed off at her, too. Can she use another one of her ridiculous time travel stories to stop it? Or should I just haunt her? ---Ushiro
XXX: Dear Ushiro: Cry more, emo kid. Your tears are delicious. (lip smacking sounds).
--XXX
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Issue 10--
Reader: Dear XXX, My adoptive father beats me whenever he gets a chance, verbally and emotionally abuses me, and makes me his personal slave. He renamed me, but insists on calling me Idiot instead of either my real or new name. I know he saved my life from bandits, but I think dying would have been better than living with him. What do I do?"
--Shinta (aka Kenshin... aka baka deshi)
P.S. He's also an alcoholic.
XXX: Dear Idiot: it's because of your face. Do you know that? I mean, he probably drinks so much because he can't stand to look at you sober. And your voice, it probably grates on his nerves. I bet he's never told you he cares about you; it's because he doesn't. Everyone really hates you.
I suggest you take advantage of any convenient nearby waterfalls and jump off them.
If none are available, then my next suggestion would be to play a joke on him to lighten him up. Spike his sake with some monkshood. Jokes are always good! It'll look like he's slowly choking to death, but he's just acting! Problem solved.
--XXX
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Issue 11--
Reader: Dear XXX, I need a new hitokiri. I've got this emotionally scarred kid who did pretty good, but I got his girlfriend killed when I made her pretend to care about him. Now he won't kill. Should I hire the whack job who sent me a resume about wanting to take over Edo after he helps us? Or should I just say "Screw my no swords deal," and start killing people myself? I mean, the deal was that he killed for me. And I kind of miss stabbing people." ---Kogoro Katsura
XXX: Dear Katsura, always prefer using and destroying others before putting oneself at risk. I say demote the lazy little bugger who won't kill; maybe send him on a few "escort" missions that've been conveniently leaked to the enemy: kill or be killed. As for the psycho, I say hire him. You can always set him on fire when you're finished making use of him; fire kills everything.
--XXX
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Issue 12--
Reader: Dear XXX---Should I systematically assassinate the bastards who set me on fire? Or just burn their country to the ground. It's kind of a toss up. I'm on a time crunch because the guy I replaced has apparently "found himself" again, so now I only get to pick one.
--Shishio
XXX: Dear Shishio, who says you can't do both? You just need a really, really big fire. Fire kills everything.
Love, XXX
Author's Note 2: Thanks for reading. Please review!