A/N: This story takes place on the train, during the victory tour in Catching Fire.
It's my own scream that wakes me up. I sit bolt upright ready to run for my life when I realize where I am.
"It's ok, the games are over." My breathing begins to slow and my heart slowly settles down. I look over at the little clock on my bedside table. Three am. I take notice of the fact that Peeta has not rushed into my room like he usually does. He must be sleeping soundly for once. A part of me is angry at him for being asleep. But at least one of us might as well be rested. Better him than me since I rely on him to do the talking at each district. I decide not to go to his room and disturb him.
Instead, I find myself walking through the train, looking for some place where I may feel safer. As I move towards the living compartment of the train, I see a flickering light coming from under the doorway. Peeta must have not been able to sleep and sought refuge by the fireplace.
I push open the door and instead I see Effie sitting on the couch. She's in her nightgown with her head wrapped in a scarf that's tied onto the top of her head like a bow. This is the first time I've seen her without makeup on. I can't tell if the redness on her cheeks is her natural coloring or from the heat of the fire. I wonder why she's awake so late. She doesn't notice me as I walk into the room, closing the door behind me. She just stares into the flames.
"Effie?"
She jumps a little at my voice. "Oh Katniss. You startled me! What's the matter dear? Can't you sleep?"
I see genuine concern in her eyes. "No. I had a nightmare." I surprise myself by actually admitting this to her. I'm afraid this will brand me as weak. Although I'm sure it's obvious enough by my screaming every night that I don't sleep very soundly. Still, I like to think that nobody else knows. She holds her hand out to me.
"Come sit with me." I walk towards her, take her hand and sit down.
"Was it about the games?" she asks quietly.
"Yes." I don't offer anymore that this simple answer. I don't feel it requires further explanation. No more words are spoken between us. We just sit and stare into the fire.
Its warmth penetrates my body and I can feel the redness in my own cheeks. Effie's hand feels so soft and smooth in my hand. Mine must feel rough in comparison. But Effie doesn't comment on it. Finally she breaks the silence.
"I have nightmares too." I look at her surprised. What in the world could this woman possibly have nightmares about? I imagine her dreaming about mismatched outfits and bad table manners. She doesn't wait for me to ask.
"I dream about picking your name out of the reaping bowl. I don't want to do that again." I don't feel that I should point out that Effie didn't actually pull my name out of the bowl. In reality she might as well have. Prim's name was never truly in there as long as I was able to volunteer for her.
"It's ok Effie. We both know that can't ever happen again." In retrospect that seems like such a stupid thing to say. I know I will never again experience the horrors of the arena, but that doesn't stop the nightmares from coming. She squeezes my hand a little tighter.
"It's not just that. I don't want to pick names out of the bowl anymore. I can't pretend anymore."
"What do you mean?"
She tries to hide the pain in her voice. "I can't pretend it's not real anymore." She takes the tiniest of pauses to collect herself. "Before I had victors, I could still hide behind the screen. Detach myself from what was really going on. But when you and Peeta came back, I had to face what I've been a part of all these years. I've been sending innocent children off to their deaths."
I try to think of the games from Effie's perspective. What would it be like to be raised under no threat of being thrown into the arena? What's it like to view the games as acceptable entertainment? Perhaps the only way to survive that is to not think about the reality of the situation. If I had Effie's job, could I manage to stay sane? I imagine spending weeks getting to know two people, then sending them off to their deaths knowing that I was the one who picked them. I suppose it would be easier to pretend none of it was real.
The tears threaten to spill from her eyes when she says, "I am so sorry that I did that to you and that I can never take it back." She lays her head on my shoulder and leans into me. I feel warmth rising up inside me. Oh it's such a good feeling. I realize how starved I am for human comfort and affection. I rest my head against Effie's and soak in this moment for as long as it's allowed.
"I forgive you Effie."
We sit together in silence, taking in the comfort we offer each other and it's not long before I'm stifling a yawn. Effie doesn't miss this.
"You should go back to bed." But I don't move and neither does she.
"I don't want to be alone. I'm afraid." Effie lifts her head up and pats her lap.
"Lay down here then. I promise to wake you if you have a nightmare." I lie down obediently and put my head in her lap. Her hands go to my hair. Stroking and combing it. It's so soothing; it's not long before I fall asleep.
It's the early dawn light that wakes me. At first I'm not sure where I am and then I catch a glimpse of the dying fire. I remember being here with Effie last night, falling asleep with my head in her lap. But now my head is on a pillow and a blanket has been put over me. Then I realize that a pair of arms are closed around my waist and a warm body is tucked up behind me. Only Peeta has ever held me like this. But the hands I feel are small and delicate. They certainly don't belong to him. I turn my head and there's Effie sound asleep behind me.
I smile at her. I can't believe she stayed the whole night with me. I'm glad she did. I slept better last night than I have in months. I know I'll have to get up and go back to my room soon. I don't want to explain what I shared with Effie last night. I want that to belong only to us. But for the moment I'll stay a little while longer.