Author's Note: I've been trying to think of ideas, but nothing really seemed to work. Until today. I hit upon the idea of delving into Chase and Cameron's innermost thoughts, so that's what I did. I think it turned out pretty well for something that I wasn't entirely sure where it was going when I started.
Disclaimer: House is a really great show, and the person who owns it is really lucky. Unfortunately, that person is not me.
Relationships don't come naturally to her. She supposes it's a side effect of her husband's death. She used to be so good at meeting people, at talking to them. Now, she just wants to run away. She doesn't want them to see the pain, even if she's gotten so good at hiding it.
So, this thing with Chase, she's not sure why it seems so easy. Maybe it's the fact that there aren't any rules, aren't any strings. It's just sex. Easy.
The problem is Chase doesn't want easy. Chase wants her, and she's not entirely sure that that's something she wants to give. He knows about her past, of course, and he's seen the pain. But she's pretty sure he's only scratched the surface, and she doesn't want to scare him away.
That's ridiculous. She knows it is, especially if this relationship is only really about sex. But it isn't, hasn't been – not for a long time. It's just neither one of them wants to admit it.
--------------------------------------------------
Chase thinks he may have been waiting for this his whole life. Not the sex part, though he's certainly not going to complain, but the love part. He doesn't know if that's what he should call it. He doesn't think Cameron loves him, not in the traditional sense anyway, but he thinks he might just love her. He keeps coming back when she calls for more, doesn't he?
He knows she's not good with letting people in, obviously. They've worked together for three years, and he knows almost nothing about her, especially about her past. He does know about her husband, and he's caught glimpses of her pain. But there's something she's holding back.
He's not sure how he feels about that. He wants her to able to trust him, but it's not like he's really trusted her either. She doesn't know about his childhood, about his pain, not entirely. She's caught glimpses as well, he knows, and she keeps calling him back anyway. It's an acceptance; it's a kind of trust; he wants to believe it's love.
---------------------------------------------------
She's slipping – farther and farther each day. She used to be so good at keeping people out of her life. It was a survival technique. If you don't let people in, they can't leave you later. But somehow, Chase made her break that rule. He broke down her wall and snuck behind her guard. She knew it the first night she didn't kick him out.
And that scares her, but she isn't sure she wants to push him back out. In fact, she's pretty sure that that just might break her heart.
--------------------------------------------------
Patience is a virtue, and it's one that he has in spades. But this is pushing it. Believing it's love only gets you so far, after all. Knowing it's love, though, that would make all the difference.
And he knows it's love, for him anyway. Cameron fills a void in him that he didn't even know was Cameron-shaped. Still, the problem is Cameron herself. She loves him. He can see it, but she can't. Or if she does, she doesn't want to see it. He's not sure which it is.
She's let him in, though, which is hard for her, but he doesn't think that's enough. One way or another, he has to know, even if finding it's not love would break his heart.
--------------------------------------------------
He tells her one day as they're leaving work. And she knows at once that her façade has crumpled. He wants more, and she doesn't want to hurt him by saying she's not sure she has more to give. So, instead of just breaking down, instead of saying she was scared, instead of admitting her ignorance, instead of loving him, she professes the ideal she's tried to carry all along. This is just sex, and now, it's not.
For a brief second, her face falls while he's watching her, but then she's turning away. She wants to look back, to turn, to go to him, but she resists all these urges. Nothing good can come from them. Instead she lets the feeling that she's done something she'll regret for the rest of her life carry her home.
-------------------------------------------------
Broken. The thread has snapped, and although Chase desperately wishes to tie it back together, the ends are unraveling far too quickly. One good thing has come, though. He knows it's love. He could see it in her regret-filled eyes. But he scared her, and he's not sure he can get her back now that she's pushed him away.
So when he starts out again, he starts out slowly. Well, maybe it wasn't all that slowly. She knows what he wants after all, or at least, she thinks she does. He's not all together certain it will work, though, and he's not positive what he'll do if it doesn't. He has too many other scars, too many other people lost, to let Cameron slip by.
--------------------------------------------------
Seeing Chase at the diner, realizing she was about to lose him, has sent Cameron into a tailspin. She hasn't wanted to admit it, and she certainly hasn't let it affect her work. But it's there all the same. Just like that, someone else she cares for is about to leave her forever.
She doesn't know if it's love quite yet, but it's certainly more than sex. And it's something Cameron doesn't want to lose. So she goes to his apartment, searching for the words to make everything right, even though she's not sure she can.
She almost runs when he comes to the door, but she forces herself to stay, to do what's hard, to do what hurts. She almost can't quite believe it when Chase accepts her, when he kisses her, but she knows this is what she's wanted – for someone to see the pain, someone she doesn't have to run from, someone that she might be able to begin to love.