Note: So this is the second story of my 'Can't Love, Can't Hurt' series based on Augustana's new cd of the same name. This one is based on the second track, Ain't Over You. Hope you guys enjoy! It's kind of nice to have an outlet when Lost has been so confusing lately. I just want more Claire screen time!
Hey,
I'm the blood in your veins,
I'm the cold when it rains,
I'm your heart when it breaks,
Time, no it ain't on our side,
I'm the truth to your lie,
I'm your tear when you cry.
Aaron is four when Claire takes him back. There is no moon in the dark sky when she does it; she just has stars to keep watch for her. And they do watch. They watch the little boy and his mobile full of planets and stars. Aaron never did anything wrong, but will surely pay the price. Pay the price for all their mistakes.
His hair is hers. As she folds him into her arms, their strands mingle and mix and even if someone looked real close, they wouldn't be able to tell the difference. If she had time, she would count every strand on his head to make sure none have been bent the wrong way. If she had time, she would do everything differently.
Claire doesn't have time.
She steals Aaron back in the dead of the night so no one will see. So she herself can barely see. The stars are her only witness.
He mumbles a Mum under his breath as she lifts him up and away from his bed. Isn't he too young for a bed? Shouldn't he still be in a crib? The thought doesn't plague her for long. She cradles his body against hers. They still fit. Like pieces of a puzzle, lost but found and forced back into place.
She grabs his red blanket and throws it over him, doesn't want him to catch a chill. See? She's still got it. She's still a mother to her baby.
He screams the second she's buckled him into the car seat and doesn't stop crying out for his Mum until they've reached the border. He cries for his Mummy no matter the words she speaks, no matter the songs she croons.
It takes all the will in Claire's body not to turn the car around and give her baby exactly what he wants. Exactly what she knows will be waiting for him. Instead, she grips the steering wheel until her knuckles are white and drives. And drives. And drives.
Claire has thrown her entire life away for this very moment. In all the years she's dreamt of it, it's never looked like this.
Aaron doesn't stop screaming for days.
It's been one year and fourteen months. That's more than two years, isn't it? He's not sober enough to count it all out to exacts and doesn't have the will to try.
Mamacita gone done and broke his heart. The idea almost makes him laugh out loud, but he doesn't. Instead he nurses his umpteenth drink. And still, after all this time, after all the booze and the countless women, he can't get her out of his head.
Sawyer sees her sparkling baby blues and the golden curls he could just inhale. He sees her smile, hears her laugh, tastes her on his tongue no matter how much it burns, and worst of all, he can feel her hands against his own skin. She's become a part of him that he just can't shake loose, her eyes and laugh haunting every step he takes.
He taught her well, that Claire. He's never quite felt a con like the one she pulled. Never thought a punch to the gut could hurt so damn much. Saying all those lovey-dovey words, making him feel like he was the first and last man on the planet earth. He was the last man left on planet earth for a while, but things change when you sail on back home. Naw, she stayed for a while after that. He held her soft, small hand all through the trials, trying to bring Aaron back into the home where he belonged. Hell, he even put a big ring on her finger to prove how much of a home they actually were. He even believed it.
One year and fourteen months ago, that big chunk of diamond was left on their dining room table without a note or nothing. The police arrived an hour later looking for his wife and for her son. They weren't there, but he spent the night in jail anyway.
There's a red head a little ways to the left of his bar stool making eyes at him. He downs another drink and waits for her to approach him. Maybe tonight he'll forget Claire and her long con. He did teach her well. It gives him a jolt of sick pleasure when he thinks just how well she pulled it off and just how much of it she learned from him. He just wishes she had let him in on her little plan. But maybe that was part of the plan all along.
He keeps the ring in his pocket and every day, it burns a hole into his skin. It feels a lot better than the hole in his heart.
Tonight he'll forget Claire. Trading golden locks for scarlet ones. Tomorrow he'll remember all over again, a wound as fresh as the day it was made, but he knows it'll hurt even more. Re-opening a wound is always worse.
He wonders how many women it'll take. Or maybe he doesn't really wonder at all. She's gone. And that hole ain't ever gonna be filled.
Here's to trying.
The thing is, he knows he loved her way before the ring.
The first time Aaron runs from her, he's four and a half years old. It's for a woman with sparkling green eyes and a mane full of chocolate curls, and Claire doesn't even notice for the first minute and a quarter. It's only when she's done paying for their pancakes, change trickling into her palm when she can't find his blonde shock of hair anywhere. The coins clatter to the linoleum floor as her breath is stolen from her. The bells attached to the door let out a shrill cry as she bursts out into the blinding sun.
Just a little ways up the sidewalk, he's smiling at some stranger with brown hair like she's something special. Bent down, the lady is extending her hand to him all while looking around rapidly. It only takes Claire a moment to grab Aaron by the hand and march him back down the sidewalk.
As they drive away from the diner, Aaron cries out for his Mum; his little hands and feet flailing against his booster seat, his blonde hair slick with sweat.
Enough is enough and Claire speaks before she thinks. I'm your bloody Mum, she cries. Not her. So just stop it, Aaron, stop it!
He stops crying, his eyes wide with shock, almost as if she's just slapped him across the face. She weeps at the expression on his face. Her baby's heart is broken and she will never be the one to mend it. She rests her head on the steering wheel and sobs into the broken silence.
It's the first time Aaron runs from Claire, but it's not the last. He looks and looks and chases after brown curls like it'll cure every bit of sadness in the world for two years after the first. Most kids his age want candy or matchbox cars (which she buys and buys and buys with the little money they have). Aaron just wants Kate.
There's nothing in the world that breaks Claire more.
Nighttime is the best time for Claire and Aaron. Bathes him in their rusty bathtub and reads him a story before his bedtime. He's not like other kids his age, lulled to sleep with the television set. Instead he's lulled to sleep with her voice. It's the only satisfaction she has left.
When he's five, he only wants to be read Alice in Wonderland. It's his favorite story. She doesn't know why and he doesn't offer an explanation. So she complies and reads to him until sleep finds him. She always did like Alice anyway.
When they were first together, she slept in the same bed as him. With her arms wrapped tightly around him, she knew no harm could come to either of them. Now that he's older, she opts to give him more space. Sometimes she'll crawl in bed and hold him, his face lax and eyes closed.
When he's sleeping, he doesn't look at her like she's a stranger. When he's sleeping, she can imagine so many things about her baby boy. She can imagine that he calls her Mum. She can imagine they aren't on the run, moving from place to place, home from home just so she can keep him. It wasn't meant to be like this, but fate got in the way.
Sometimes she imagines Sawyer is in the next room. Sometimes she imagines what it would be like if she hadn't left him. She never meant to hurt him. Just figured she should leave Kate something. Even if sometimes she does imagine it would have been happier for everyone if it were kept just the way it was, she knows she could never let her baby go. Has she always been this selfish?
Maybe that's what makes her feel so wrong inside.
Aaron is seven years old when Claire steps out of the house without him. They've finally settled within the city of Adelaide and it's the first time she hires a babysitter. It's taken them years, but Aaron has finally settled in with her presence. She's all he's got anyway. He doesn't call her Mum and still has an eye out for curly haired brunettes, but it's getting better. It's the best it's been since day one. Claire can't figure out why that makes her so sad.
She finds a bar with music so loud she can't hear the thoughts that run through her head. Finds an empty bar stool and a quick shot of liquor before deciding on what drink she wants to nurse that night. It's been a while and she's tipsy before she's even half way done with the first drink.
There's a hand at her back and a warm mouth against her own before she's even aware of what's happening. He calls her sweetheart and she closes her eyes in remembrance. Keeps them closed as she's dragged out into an alley, not caring about anything but his warmth. He utters another word, one that starts with an 's' as well, but isn't so sweet. The word makes her eyes pop open and suddenly she can see his buzzed head and a tattoo inked along his arm. She pushes him away, unsatisfied with such a picture, but is only left to struggle against his muscle. She has never been so aware of her tiny frame before now. She sobers up immediately.
Stop.
No.
Words screamed into the night. The moon there as her sole witness this time, or maybe not.
Like a sudden clap of thunder, the deceiving warmth is shoved away. There are more words, but they aren't screamed. The moon still hears them though. The stars still twinkle with every syllable grunted, with every punch thrown. Claire just presses herself tightly against the wall, waiting for what, she's not so sure of. Closes her eyes once more, willing herself back to a better time.
She assumes the fight is over when a light hand flutters over her arm. Another sweetheart is murmured into the air, this time just like a question. Fear bubbles into her throat before she opens her eyes, knows what she will see when she opens them. Sawyer. Looking the same after all these years, after all this time.
She opens her mouth to speak, but snaps it shut seconds later. It only takes her a moment before she runs.
He doesn't stop her.
Bus after bus leads them to finally settle in a small town right outside of Brisbane. For a year, Claire just hopes it's far enough.
She doesn't get to hope for long.
Claire forgets what it's like to sit still. Wonders why she was born to run. She has never understood Kate more than she does now.
Aaron is nine when Sawyer finds them. Two years after the bar and the alley. Two years since she grabbed Aaron's hand and nothing else. Ran as fast as their feet could carry them.
Aaron's at school and she's just shut the door behind her when a hand clamps over her mouth. He leads her into the living room, spins her away from him as if she burns his skin and sits back in her favorite lounge chair.
He looks through her. She can tell from the way he's looking at her that it'd be impossible to run and with Aaron at school, she won't even attempt it. He knows that, she realizes. Knows just how trapped he has her.
Tears are spilling onto her cheeks before she even realizes it. Pleads him not to tell anyone where they are. Begs him to let her keep Aaron.
He doesn't speak. His face doesn't soften. He remains as still as a statue. She considers throwing herself at his feet, begging him for his mercy. How quickly he's regained power here. But she won't. Her words are already degrading enough.
She waits for him to speak, but he never does. Just reaches into his pocket and pulls out something that catches the light, momentarily blinding her. He places it on the table beside the lounge chair and she realizes he's been holding her ring this entire time.
Claire chokes out a sorry, her words sounding weak even to her own ears but never more sincere.
He walks out the front door and leaves her tears behind him.
Sawyer comes back time and time again. Weeks pass between his visits, sometimes less, sometimes more.
Sometimes they talk. He tells her he never went back to Kate, but has been with countless women who look nothing like her. She tells him she hasn't been with anyone, even that skinhead in the alley those years back. Tells him everything there is to tell. Never wanted to hurt him. Never wanted to leave him behind.
Sometimes he doesn't believe her.
And sometimes, they don't talk. He holds her as gently as the first time, making promises with his eyes. It takes a year and fourteen months before he utters I love you. She doesn't hold it against him.
Aaron is eleven when he calls her Mum for the first time.
Her smile is as bright as the ring on her finger.
Aaron is seventeen years old when Sawyer and Claire sit him down and tell him about Kate for the first time. Tell him everything about his birth and the island and being lost. Claire tells him how she stole him back, but he corrects her and tells her she only took what was hers.
At midnight, Aaron turns eighteen and Claire lets go of her baby boy. He purchases a ticket to California and takes off into the night. It's the last time Claire gets to hear him call her Mum.
She won't let go of Sawyer's hand this time. The stars are there to witness such a thing.
Back and forth, and side to side,
Right ain't wrong if wrong ain't right,
Well I love you day and night,
'Cause I still ain't over you.