Disclaimer: I don't own 'Shingeki no Kyojin' and I never will. I do, however, own May Lester, as she is a product of imagination.
Alive
He wondered if this was how it felt to live.
Her skin was soft underneath his fingers, body warm against his. Though his hands guided hers, and held her where he wanted her to be, it was she who lay on top. He would never say it out aloud, but he rather enjoyed that particular sensation. Her body on his.
May Lester.
She wore her chocolate-brown hair in a braid, but that came undone in his fingers. There was nothing more he wanted than to watch her eyes open in surprise, in ecstasy. At this particular moment, he felt there was nothing he couldn't do. So he did it. In seconds, their positions where reversed, and it was his arms and legs that formed the borders. Beyond them, neither bothered knowing what there was. His only interest was in her.
A muffled voice threatened to tear through the dream. He ignored it.
They were both wearing far too many clothes, restrained by their uniforms. A mere thought willed them away, and away they went. Nothing, he thought, nothing could be better than this. He would rather stay here.
Again, the voice cried out. A name, he realised. His own.
Stay.
Erwin Smith woke from the dream with an imperceptible start. Even now, almost utterly alone, he allowed little emotion to show. Only the sheen of sweat and the way he bit his lip betrayed him. He wished he could have lived that dream a little longer, only he was needed.
May Lester was the only other occupant of the room, and she was asleep. He had taken a seat on the couch, at her request, to watch her. She feared sleep. As he watched her toss and turn, muttering incoherently, he wondered if she was right to.
Without even a sigh, Erwin stood.
"Lester."
He spoke with quiet authority, not raising his voice as it was probably the middle of the night – it was sometimes hard to tell, given the unpredictability of working in the Recon Corps. He knew that well, having only just recently been promoted to the rank of 'commander'.
He stood stiffly by her bed, and May didn't react to his summons.
"Lester." He said again.
This time, he sat on the edge of her bed. When she again didn't respond, only twisting the sheets further around her, Erwin grabbed her hand.
"May."
It was the magic word. If ever either of them wanted something of the other, it was then, and only then, that they resorted to using first names. Even for as long as they had known each other, since their time in training as soldiers in the academy, and for all the time they counted each other friends, Erwin could count the amount of times they had spoken each other's name on both his hands. They never thought too much on it.
When May bolted awake, she sat up much too fast and immediately found herself embracing him tightly.
"Erwin."
He had no idea what she wanted from him, and so only wrapped his arms around her in return. It seemed to be the right thing to do, only she was shaking so much it was uncontrollable.
"Erwin." She repeated.
"What is it?"
"Nothing." May replied, yet her hands were still clenched around his back.
"A nightmare." He corrected her.
"Nothing." Of course, May would never allow herself to admit vulnerability.
It was one of the reasons Erwin was so drawn to her, irritating though it could be. "It's not nothing if you're upset about it." He argued.
She was like a child, pressed against his chest this way. Nearly all traces of tall, haughty young woman where stripped away, leaving her like a skeleton without skin. Bare and exposed. She sniffled, and Erwin sighed.
"Tell me." He ordered.
"No."
"Why not?"
She shook her head against him. "Because it's stupid."
"It's about your sister." It was a statement, and nothing else.
May didn't respond in anyway. Erwin considered the situation, and came to a solution.
"If you tell me what the dream was about, I'll tell you my secret." He proposed.
"Which secret? I can never keep track." She pointed out.
"One I haven't told you before."
"I wasn't aware such a thing existed."
Erwin gently pried May from him, and held her at arm's length. Her hazel eyes were red and puffy, as if she had been crying, and he didn't doubt that her singlet and pants were stained with sweat. While she had been able to sleep in a bed, and in comfortable clothes, Erwin still wore his uniform. He hadn't intended to sleep that night; although now, he wished he could. That had been a wonderful dream.
He watched her face, which possessed an arrogant, rough beauty as if it had been carved from stone, contort in thought.
"Fine." She agreed at last.
Erwin's expression remained the same, impassive, as May wriggled backwards and took up a position with the wall at her back.
"It had to do with my sister." May declared, not surprisingly.
Avery Lester. She was the younger of the siblings, although had joined the Recon Corps even as May had. Perhaps, had she not, she might still be alive. But as of three days ago, Avery Lester was dead. Torn apart by a Titan, while May watched helplessly. Erwin, though disappointed to lose such a valuable soldier, had also watched on and done nothing.
The act had sent May into a frenzy. Rather than become impassioned, or overtaken by rage, she had become cold. The ice surfaced, and there was no breaking her. She killed three titans in quick succession, including that which had killed Avery. Erwin had considered stopping her, but decided against it. That day, she brought her kill count of eighteen Titans up to twenty-four, and quite possibly saved all their lives.
It was only after that he dared approach her.
"It was normal, you know. Just normal. You were there, and the rest of the squad. Avery, as well."
Erwin said nothing, merely leaning forward on his knees.
"We were on a mission. Sort of like how it was then, only different. It was warmer, for one thing, and there were these white flowers growing everywhere. I think it was summer, but I'm not sure; I don't think dreams are meant to make sense."
Though she was babbling, Erwin decided to push that aside with the knowledge that she was even telling him in the first place. It seemed to be helping, as with every word she grew calmer.
"Then there Titans. Everywhere. We were on a field as well, so it was hopeless to try and kill them."
There was some shuffling as May moved, and shortly after, Erwin felt her head fall against his shoulder.
"Keep talking." He encouraged, though it still sounded as if he were giving orders.
"Everyone died."
Erwin still did not react, expectantly holding his silence.
Though it took a few moments, May soon continued to explain, "Not just the soldiers. Avery was- She's dead. And everyone else was."
It took a few moments to understand, but when Erwin finally grasped what she was saying, he could do little more than reach behind to search for and hold her hand. Their fingers slid together like matching pieces of a jigsaw. Just like in his dream, she was warm.
"You're upset because I died in a dream." He summarized.
Against his shoulder, May shook her head. "I'm upset because my sister died. Because I had to see it, and watch, and do nothing. And because I can't do that again."
"Lester-"
"I have lost enough already. I can't lose you too."
"I can't promise that you won't." he warned her.
A badly-concealed sniff came from behind. Erwin turned in his seat, and May lifted her head so that she could watch him. Her eyes glistened with tears she would not let fall. The tremble of her lower lip undid him.
Within seconds, she was once again enveloped in his arms. Though his expression was set like stone, there were tell-tale signs of how he truly felt. They were the furrowing of his thick eyebrows, the strange lump in his throat, and the way his arms found all the right places to hold May to him.
"I'm not asking you to promise." May's muffled voice whispered. "But at least try not to die."
"The future is unpredictable. Just like you could not have predicted your sister's death, you cannot predict mine. It is unavoidable."
"Try."
May did not ask this time.
"For you." He relented, almost sighing. He did so much for this woman already, and yet she continued to ask for more. Perhaps he had misjudged her, and she was more selfish than he originally perceived.
Without waiting for it to be said, May then drew back. Comfort was a luxury, and she also suffered the bitter realization that they were still 'just friends'.
"Thank you." She muttered, looking down.
Erwin didn't reply. Instead, he focused himself on the task of smoothing down her hair, tucking the stray strands gently behind her ear. His fingers under her chin were enough to cause her to look up, and from there he thumbed away the remaining tears on her cheeks. As a soldier, he knew he had to sacrifice his humanity for their cause.
Yet he wondered how he could, when May needed him like this.
"Erwin."
Without another thought, he stood. He looked towards the door, but knew he wasn't cowardly enough to take that option. Instead, he walked over to the window, where the curtain left only a crack to peer through. That night, the moon shone bright and full.
"Erwin." May repeated sternly, and he knew exactly what she wanted of him. "It was a trade. A secret for a secret."
"Now is not the right time." He decided.
"It never is. But it's not the wrong time either." May argued.
"How so?"
"Is the great Commander Erwin Smith truly this blind?" she retorted, yet knew he wouldn't react and so continued, "You are right; the future is unpredictable, and all that is certain is the present; now. And whether it is right or wrong, it is the only time we know. So, Commander, if we have the chance to live now, then I would suggest taking it."
There was a pause in the conversation, a lapse of time that seemed to belong to Erwin and Erwin alone.
"You won't like it."
"And did you like what I had to say?"
May watched satisfactorily as his hands began to unclench. She knew she had won, once again. In a solid, swift movement, Erwin turned from the window and towards her.
"Stand." He ordered.
May obeyed, albeit hesitantly. His methods had always been unorthodox, but this time, she had not even an inkling of what was about to transpire.
"Okay?" she wondered.
Erwin nodded approvingly. His hands rose to her shoulders, holding her in place.
"Try not to cry."
"Easy." May replied, despite the fact she had, minutes ago, been doing just that.
There was something odd to the look in Erwin's blue eyes. It sent a shiver up May's spine, although it delighted her just as much as it made her anxious.
"Dreams often do not meet up to reality." Erwin murmured.
"What does that-?"
But she never got any further. The world slowed, and seconds became minutes, and minutes became hours. The sun might have risen and set several times, but for the life of them, neither could have cared what the sun might or might not have been doing. Erwin was revealing his secret, the one that not even May knew. He told her not with his words, but with his hands, and the way he wrote speeches by pressing himself closer to her, and spoke poetry with his lips as he kissed her and did not stop.
This time, he didn't wonder if this was how it felt to live.
He knew it was.
Thank you to all my readers (whether or not you like this, it doesn't matter, because if it caught your attention that's good enough). I hope you enjoyed this oneshot and please feel free to leave a review!