About three years ago or so I had a dream. To this day that dream haunts me... I wrote the backbone of the story, but now I can finally bring the crack fic to life. Enjoy: chapter one.

Shout out to mah friend who told me to publish it.

1981

Our story begins on a Thursday afternoon at Hogwart's School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. The children were still celebrating the death of He Who Must Not Be Named and the end of the Wizarding War. For a week, school was all but cancelled. Most of the Professors reveled in this break.

Minerva McGonagall and Severus Snape were drinking tea in the Staff Room as their banter filled the otherwise silent air. The two House rivals shared an easy-going love/hate friendship. An undeniable bond formed from their endless pride and argumentative nature. They enjoyed each other's company, a simple truth that would soon come in handy.

McGonagall held her cup of tea halfway to her lips, pinky extended of course. She murmured an insult, delivered with a pointed look at her colleague, and just before she could take sip of that divine catnip tea-

Dumbledore burst into the room! He leaned against the door panting from climbing all five flights of steps. The two professors set their tea cups down and stood, waiting for an explanation. Perhaps the Dark Lord wasn't dead and-

The Headmaster straightened and pronounced, "Severus! Minerva! I need you two to get married!"

McGonagall and Snape just stared at the Headmaster for a moment. Severus recovered first.

"Wut?" Severus asked in his silky voice; one eyebrow raised. McGonagall looked just as confused. Dumbledore fished into one of his robe pockets and pulled out something wrapped in a blanket.

"I want you two to raise Harry Potter: The Boy Who Lived!" He told them, dramatically thrusting the bundle up. Outside, the clouds dispersed and the sun's rays streamed through the window to shine a rapturous light on the child.

Minerva and Severus glanced at each other. His face ached from the force of his frown while her lips thinned and eyebrows creased. Then they looked at the boy with the scar on his head...

"No one else will take him in?" asked McGonagall, voice low.

"His only living family is his Aunt and Uncle, both muggles, who would undoubtedly make his life miserable in every way." Dumbledore said. His eyes shimmered in an eerie way, but it disappeared with a shake of his head.

Severus turned his pointy noise up, "So? It may do the boy some good."

"Severus," both McGonagall and Dumbledore scolded.

The sheer force of their icey glower made him shift. "How would you want us to raise him?" Snape sighed out, appeasing the two so they would stop glaring at him.

"You must adopt a Muggle lifestyle and take him somewhere far, far away." said Dumbledore. His whimsical tone and the slight glaze over his eyes worried the two professors.

"Albus, if we were to raise him like that, wouldn't it be less… mad… if you just give the boy to the Muggles?" asked Minerva.

Dumbledore shook his head once. "Soon, the fate of the wizarding world will rest in his hands. You two must care for him until that time."

To be honest, there were no benefits in coercing his loyal subjects, er professors, into taking care of Harry. In fact there were more complications this way. He just thought this way would be more amusing.

Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall shared another look. They nodded, "Fine."

"Excellent." Dumbledore winked. "You two only have to get married and then-"

"You were serious?!"

An hour later, Severus and Minerva eloped. Dumbledore served as the officiant, best man, maid of honor and flower girl of the secret wedding. Harry slept through the whole ceremony.

So then, Snape and McGonagall fought over where to live since Dumbledore insisted that they leave Hogwarts. Severus wanted to live in a flat in London while Minerva wanted a nice country home in the middle of the rolling hills. Dumbledore listened to them argue, cut in to say that Minerva's idea corresponded to his vision, and was completely ignored.

"Severus for the last time I refuse to live there. I don't see why he needed both of us to raise Potter. I could have handled this better alone." snapped Minerva. She furrowed her eyebrows, but sadness laced her grimace. Dumbledore could read from that look that she was thinking about her previous marriage. He turned his head in disapproval, until the glorious cliché hit him like a flung pebble.

They will teach each other to love again-

"There is no telling what is going on in that nutter's head." Dumbledore raised his eyebrow," However we must make the most of this… horrific… task." said Severus. He made a face at the blanket burrito- Potter . The boy hadn't stirred from his place beside Albus.

"Will you agree to the Scottish Highlands then?" asked McGonagall.

Green eyes met black and a moment later, "If we must…."

"Very well." said Dumbledore, stealing the spotlight once again. "Now please, pack quickly and go live this new adventure."

"How will we protect the boy?" asked McGonagall.

"Once you arrive at this address," Dumbledore handed them a sheet of paper, "I, along with some of my trusted colleges, will cast protective shields that will insure the safety of the boy until he comes to Hogwarts."

"Wait… You had already picked a house, yet you let us fight… Oh never mind." Snape just shook his head and mumbled, "Crazy old bat." McGonagall sighed.

"Once a month, supplies will be Apparated to you," Dumbledore continued.

Minerva arched an eyebrow. "Wait, Severus and I will not be leaving the house at all?"

"You will have about two miles of safe land, but since you will be living away from civilization…" explained Dumbledore.

"You just expect Minerva and I to go stir-crazy for nine years?" demanded Severus.

Dumbledore almost laughed. Murder would be the only realistic expectation if he left them stranded in a cottage with nothing to do. "I will provide you with a green house for herbs so you will not lose your potion skills… Some works from our library, and your personal libraries, will accompany you on this adventure."

"We're allowed wizarding books, but no magic?" asked McGonagall.

"You will have a few years for magic, but then you must stop when he has reached the age for proper memory."

Severus, still unconvinced that he was in reality, asked, "And what of our jobs?"

"You will be on leave until Harry is old enough to attend. Paid vacation, if you will." Dumbledore fought a smirk at their nods of approval. "One last important thing, you must learn to love each other. I would hate for Harry to think you got married but didn't love each other…"

He saw a vision, a glimpse of Harry marrying a future best friend just because she was smart and it would be convenient or something. He shuddered and exited his trance. Minerva paled a considerable number of shades while his words seemed to have flown right past Severus.

"Yeah, right. Very well, we shall get going." said Snape, completely ignore the last request. He turned to the door and swept his cape up, so it billowed behind him dramatically as he set off to pack.

McGonagall gave a formal nod and rushed off ready her things and say goodbye to other staff members.