Title: Overshot
Characters: Bernard, Jumbo, Sir Frank, OC
Genre: Speculation
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: foul language, sarcasm
Summary: Happens right after Man Overboard. The Prime Minister wants to present the relocation of service personnel as his own idea. MoD is irate. A scandal is a mere inch away. Bernard is pissed off and lets out some steam in the company of The Gentlemen. Provoked by trainees, they start telling stories about their career paths. Can major embarrassments be avoided?
Crikey. This shit is starting to get really old! By the way, a trainee was sent to me at the most inappropriate moment. Wish he had come last week, when nothing was going on. Right now, the kid witnessed something, that can be filed under perfect case studies for a way too clever strategy combined with a tactical catastrophe. Perhaps no more can be reasonably expected, when MoD gets involved in anything... well, it can be said, I guess, that I am not exactly the biggest fan of the current leadership in MoD. But it is quite embarrassing – how do I explain it to the trainee?
„In case you end up unfortunate enough doing this kind of a job, it is very important to understand the 5:95 rule, young fellow." Bernard started. „I guess, what I am trying to tell you is – while I am certainly not a psychologist, I wish somebody had told this to me when I was your age, as I had to learn it the hard way – Ministers are very special people with very special psychology. In its essence, the 5:95 rule means that a Ministerial attention span is 5 seconds and there is a 95% probability that if you say nothing whatsoever about what they think they just said, then they simply forget what they think they just said and it is allowed to die its natural death. However, this will not happen, if you start opposing them. Ministers like opposition and thrive on it. Therefore, with an assumption that you want nothing to happen, then doing nothing is normally the best option. Now we get to the second point of crucial importance: if you still oppose them, do not try being too clever. They cannot appreciate it and, I guess, cleverness is sometimes somewhat overrated. Is it clear to you, what I am saying?"
„Not really, Mr. Woolley." The trainee said, looking confused.
„Alright then. As it is 5 PM, thank you for your assistance during this week and I wish you success in your future career. You are now free to go to your party, enjoy it while it lasts."
I am so tired. I feel like crap, really. I have made a commitment to go to a restaurant with The Gentlemen and this time I am really not looking forward to this. They most definitely start asking questions. But this party is not going to get too wild. No, just no!
Bernard picked up Lloyd Prichard from DAA on the way to the restaurant.
Fortunately I remembered The Prime Minister's invaluable advice to me: if they ask questions, you do not have to answer them. Make your own statement. Tell your own story.
„Please please please, Woolley, tell me what Hacker and Appleby did this time! Back in the day when your chaps were running DAA, I never ran out of gossip till 5 PM! I'm just dying to know!" His friend squirmed. „This must be something juicy, right?"
„Yes, well, quite, but MoD is all at fault, actually." Bernard said.
„Wow, few things in life are more fun than intradepartmental rivalry. It ranks only merely slightly below birds, booze and cars." Lloyd said with a giggle.
„I think you mean interdepartmental rivalry, Lloyd." Bernard said with a smirk.
„Is there a difference?"
„Yes, Lloyd, those few letters make a very big difference. While interdepartmental rivalry is fun, intradepartmental rivalry is complete crap and should be avoided at all costs." Bernard said.
„Uhuh... but what happened then?"
„You will gossip about it."
„Fucking aye!"
„Please, Lloyd, not in such words. But anyway... as you probably already know, The Employment Secretary came up with a proposal to relocate service personnel to the north of England. MoD flew into No 10 with their panties in a bunch and started pushing for killing this initiative. Unfortunately enough for themselves, they outsmarted themselves with their proposed tactics, which relied upon removing The Employment Secretary, instead of moderating themselves to just axing the initiative, alas. Very extreme and awfully ineffective. An outrageous tactical screw-up, even by MoD standards."
„What about details?" Lloyd asked.
„Well... our poor old Prime Minister completely bought the story, that there is a leadership bid, and succumbed into an awful fit of paranoia." Bernard said and shook his head.
„Paranoia? I just will not believe that Sir Humpy had no hand in this." Lloyd said and laughed.
„Correct. It could be speculated, that he totally overshot this time. To the point it blew up into his face and therefore made this whole crafty mission completely useless. Now the Prime Minister wants to present the relocation as his own idea. But if anybody asks, you heard it from MoD, not from me." Bernard said.
My former colleague from MoD, Charles, and my brother-in-law from The Treasury, George, were already in the restaurant and had started with appetizers. Also, Philip from The Department of Employment. This chap took the job a mere two months ago. Philip is around 5 years younger than the rest of us and noone knows him too well. Some other chaps joined later.
„What on earth is going on in No 10? General Howard was quite upset. Quite upset, to put it mildly." Charles from MoD said. „He might have said something, which might have come off as if your chap Appleby should be shot for this."
„Well... this is awfully direct. A most inappropriate gross exaggeration and... ahem..." Bernard was looking for words.
„An „overkill" is the correct term perhaps?" Lloyd suggested.
„Well, you can put it that way – an overkill." Bernard said with a slight smirk. Then he turned serious and looked sharply at his former colleague. „But no reason to blame us, quite frankly. These were actually your own chaps who started this grand-scale schmuckery in the first place."
„This is not true!" Charles whined. „Secretary of State for Employment is the one who started this grand-scale schmuckery!"
All eyes turned to Philip from The Department of Employment.
The chap blushed and said: „I do not fully understand the problem really... but... The Employment Secretary was not very nice to me and in a sense it is probably a good thing that he resigned..."
„Oh be careful with such statements, pal!" George from The Treasury said. „I am willing to bet that The PM sends someone much worse to you now, as you have said that! It's the Murphy's Law and it always works!"
Everybody laughed.
George continued: „For the sake of the argument, I'd like to bring your attention to the fact that the relocation makes perfect sense from The Treasury's perspective."
„Well, I agree actually. The idea is wonderful – in principle, at least." Bernard said.
„Oh get out! There is actually a rumour that Bernard Flipping Woolley himself might return to MoD pretty soon... in charge of all defence procurements." Charles said with a smirk.
Oh Gosh, how did that silly off-hand remark get out? Sir Humphrey actually wants to send me away?
Everybody turned silent.
Bernard replied: „Well, there might be a rumour, but it will not happen. You see, there was a time, when I was willing to kill any chap – including any of you and all of you – to have this job, but this is no longer the case. I believe one should always move forward. It means..."
„It means this position no longer satisfies your ambitions, which have grown exponentially since you left MoD." Charles interrupted with an eyeroll.
Well, that's bordering on direct.
„I'm not the least ambitious, pal." Bernard said. „But I'm intrigued to ask, how did you hear about it, as it was simply something, that randomly entered one conversation."
„Uhh... I'm not sure, but it might have been a part of a threat that was made to General Howard so he'd behave..." Charles said, looking uncomfortable.
„Aa. This shooting thing is somewhat starting to make sense now." Bernard remarked drily.
They finished the dinner.
„So, what do we do now?" Philip asked.
„As you grow more experienced in being a Principal Private Secretary, you soon find out, that the standard procedure is going to a strip club." Charles said. „However, it is way too early tonight..."
„I suggest a slight alteration to the plan. We crash the trainees party first and then go to the strip club." Lloyd said and giggled.
„I don't think so." Bernard said with a frown.
„Why not?"
„Because, Lloyd, a humiliating defeat is to be expected. Those 25-year-old lads drink us under the table." Bernard said.
„Ah, I'm no way going to miss – what was it called again, according to The Campaign for the Freedom of Information – royal annual piss-up!" Lloyd said.
„I second to this. The day has been rather harsh and we deserve having some fun." Charles said.
„Perhaps the reputation of trainees is a little ill-deserved..." George said. „You know, last year, Woolley and I totally topped this – with the assistance of some people from higher hierarchy." He burst into a laughter.
„Repetition, Gentlemen?" Lloyd suggested.
„Certainly not." Bernard said with a frown. He was starting to get annoyed and looked at his watch. It was merely around 10 PM. He sighed and said: „Alright, let's go to the trainees party then."
I felt rather old, when the Gentlemen and I entered into a hip nightclub. That sort of place, where people in their 20-s go on Fridays. Sigh... The place was packed with some 500 trainees, who were shitfaced already before midnight. „Royal annual piss-up" might be the most accurate name for this, one could come up with.
Bernard got to the bar counter and became confused immediately. With an empty glare he told to the bar-maid: „Crikey! I am not quite sure, what kind of a drink is standard under this kind of circumstances... but I suppose one cannot go wrong with vodka."
He ordered a bottle and then bumped into his own trainee.
„Mr. Woolley... hkk? What are you... hkk... doing here? Oh blast, this is so embarrassing!" The trainee mumbled and blushed.
„Having a good time, I see. Remember Rule no 3.5b, kid: in case you run into people in higher places while pissed and feel embarrassed about being so pissed, then act as if there was nothing embarrassing in it. You'll probably get used to it after a while, anyway." Bernard said and offered a shot to the trainee.
More trainees gathered around them.
„Ah! Memories!" Lloyed beamed. „Even though... I quite frankly do not remember jack about my own trainees party! I did not become a civil servant back then, but I nonetheless felt the irresistible pull at a later age."
„Since I became a Principal Private Secretary and got to know these Gentlemen, I feel like being a trainee again, except that booze is more expensive." Philip said.
„Oh man! You know, my boss was in a jovial mood all day, laughed like mad, was quite unexpectedly kind to our trainees and said that if this new scheme actually is pushed further, then he goes to the trainees party and buys drinks for all of them. But I did not expect him to do this in practise..." George said.
„I personally am not too surprised." Bernard remarked drily.
Sir Frank Gordon surely was in a very jovial mood.
„Woolley you little bastard! Incidentally I heard that everything hit the fan in No 10 again today. What happened?" Sir Frank asked with a big grin.
„This is a very good question, Sir Frank... but I do not really understand the question." Bernard said.
„Oh my, you really are a schmuck, Woolley." Sir Frank said and burst into a laughter.
„Knowing rules is a sufficient substitute for wit and cleverness is somewhat overrated, Sir Frank." Bernard said.
„What...?"
Actually there were more old people than I expected. That sort of old people I have frequently run into on Fridays and Saturdays for a little more than 20 years already.
A solid pat landed on Bernard's shoulder. It hurt.
„Ah, Woolley and the decadent not-so-young-gentlemen-anymore." Sir Frederick Stewart said and laughed. „I quite expected to see you here tonight."
„Thank you, Sir Frederick – same words." Bernard said.
„Once a wanker, always a wanker – right?" Jumbo said.
Everybody laughed.
„Well, I would not put it into so many words, Sir Frederick." Bernard said.
„I'm curious to ask, whether you throw a party this year as well, Woolley?"
„No, Sir Frederick." Bernard replied.
„Why not?" Jumbo asked. „Your party was superb last year. Isn't that right, Frank?" He laughed again.
„Shut up!" Sir Frank growled.
After a few rounds of shots, the trainee dropped a bomb. Thought the kid was smarter than that. Really quite embarrassing.
„We've been wondering... hkk... and are rather curious to ask... hkkk... whether having friends and relatives in high places is the only way to... hkk... advance in civil service?" The trainee asked.
Stunned silence.
Then Lloyd started laughing and said: „If you must put it that way, then: yes. Or... or... I do not really know, I lack sufficient authority to take any official stance here... forget what I just said..." He looked at Bernard in despair.
„Uhuh. Actually it's: yes and no. You see, kid, this is not really the question..." Bernard said. „The real question is... hmm..." He looked at Sir Frank in despair.
„You surely will run into lots of trouble and not advance anywhere, if you even dream of asking such daft questions, kid." Sir Frank snapped at the trainee. He looked at Jumbo in despair.
„SILLY BOY! Unbelievable they make grads like THIS in Oxford these days! With this kind of an attitude, you should consider journalism instead!" Jumbo said boisterously. The trainee was clearly shaken and mumbled „sorry".
After another few rounds of shots the trainee became bold again.
„But how do you... hkkk... advance then in practice... what are your stories?"
Lloyd burst into a laughter again. „I like that one! Who starts? Me? Well, I actually used to work in The City but it so happened that I screwed up and was fired. Then I went to Woolley, my good old buddy from Oxford, who used to be in charge of DAA procurements these days. I said that now I too believe that civil service is my destiny after all, or in other words, I was begging for a job and he helped me out. Every time he advanced, so did I, even though I'm really the biggest idiot in Her Majesty's Civil Service."
„Be it as it may, but you certainly nailed that last sentence." Bernard snapped annoyedly.
„So who's next to tell a story? Philip perhaps? He's the last one, who got promoted." Lloyd said. „But no lying!"
„Me...?" Philip said and blushed. „Well, I was an assistant to The Principal Private Secretary for past 5 years, actually. I worked really hard and was promoted, when he moved on."
„Really admirable." Lloyd said. „Being a cousin to Lady Appleby has most obviously nothing whatsoever to do with your promotion."
Gosh. This gets embarrassing, I bet.
„I'm starting to feel... hkk... kind of sick..." Philip whined.
„I told it for a very specific reason, that drinking with these 25-year-old lads is the last place where to get competitive." Bernard said. „Lloyd, get him a taxi, before he embarrasses himself."
Lloyd guided Philip towards the door. Some of The Principal Private Secretaries used the opportunity to leave as well. That left Bernard with George, Charles, Sir Frank, Jumbo and the trainee.
Sir Frank ordered a bottle of vodka and said: „Looks like this kid does not even know how to drink, alas... you know, after this distasteful change in The Cabinet Office leadership, nepotism in the civil service reached heights unprecedented in history. Earlier noone had ever even heard of those inbred cousins of Appleby and his wife, who are desperate for jobs, and now these kids are just everywhere. Appleby even tried to appoint one of these to The Treasury – for the express purpose of spying on me, no doubt. I did what any decent lad would do under this kind of circumstances: I said that schmuck can come in principle, but as there is no resource for creating a new position – he won't get paid in practice."
„Has anybody ever told you, Frank, that you talk too much?" Jumbo said.
„Yes, all the time... why?"
„I believe that you should consider laying off booze from time to time, as your silly rant just challenged Prichard's rather solid claim that he is the biggest idiot in Her Majesty's Civil Service." Jumbo said snarkily.
„I beg your pardon?" Sir Frank said, growing flustered.
„Gosh. This gets embarrassing, I bet." George whispered to Bernard. They were barely capable of suppressing laughter.
Lloyd Prichard returned with another bottle of vodka. He said: „The chap is on his way home, safe and sound. Did I miss anything? Shall we continue with the stories?"
„Yeah... it's all so exciting! I'd like to hear more on... nepotism in civil service." The trainee slurred.
„Oh well!" George said proudly. „Whenever the phrase „nepotism in civil service" is mentioned, everybody is always looking at me naturally and that is my cross I have to bear. This is, of course, true that my dad was The Permanent Secretary to The Treasury prior to Sir Frank. But for my sister Catherine and I no alternative career paths were even under consideration! I never actually worked directly with my dad. I rotated through different divisions and did many underling jobs, so I could learn everything I need to know. Eventually my path crossed with Sir Frank and he is just as sarcastic to me as he is to other people. These Gentlemen here – Bernard and Lloyd – my sister and I went to Oxford with. Also Mary, whom I later married. Contrary to the popular belief, we did not and do not drink exactly every single day and we actually learned very hard. And guess what, kid? Think whatever you like, there is nothing of substance anyone can hold against us. We simply are the best at our jobs!"
„Oh bravo, Georgie, do you want an applause now?" Sir Frank remarked mockingly.
„Me – I graduated one year after these Gentlemen. I hated civil service. I desperately wanted to be a fighter pilot instead..." Charles said. „But my mom was completely against it. She knew some people in MoD who gave me some stupid paper-pushing job. It was so boring. I hated it. Then I started hanging around with Woolley and learned that working on procurements is a lot of fun. I begged higher-ups for a whole year until I could be transferred to procurements. But I cannot tell much more about my further career path, alas. Matters of national security. Woolley's turn now, perhaps?"
Bernard glanced at his watch.
„It's 2.30 AM, Gentlemen. As it is customary, 3 AM is time for strip club. So we better make it fast, if we want to finish with the stories." Bernard said.
„Can I come to the... hkk... strip club too?" The trainee asked.
„Certainly not, boy!" Jumbo said. „Friends and relatives can no doubt get you into many places, but there are certain privileagues in life – such as being invited to the finest clubs for The Gentlemen – you need to earn for yourself!"
„I feel a little tired..." The trainee said, collapsed on top of the table and started snoring.
„I believe we can end the game now. The kid is tired." Bernard said with a smirk.
„I think we just drank at least one trainee under the table, or... on top of it." Charles remarked.
„In a sense it's a shame to end the game just now." Jumbo said. „I'm fairly intrigued to hear how Frank and Woolley spin their stories and I personally do not mind sharing mine either."
„I do not think there is anything you have never heard of." Sir Frank protested.
Then a disruption, as three women approached the table.
CRIKEY! Not THAT chick!
„Good evening, Gentlemen." A black-haired woman said and glared at them inquiringly. „I see you are having a good time, so to speak."
„Claire... oh dear... what a pleasant surprise to see you... what brings you here?" Sir Frank said and laughed nervously.
„Lady Christinsen... ladies... this event is not worthy of you!" Bernard squeaked and blushed crimson red.
„Oh, Claire! Have a seat with us, sweety!" Lloyd beamed. „How are things going in National Audit Office?"
„Busy as usually, of course. But I must excuse myself, I simply came to say hello, I cannot stay in your charming company." The woman said proudly and they left.
„I tried to romance her once..." Lloyd said and giggled.
„You cannot be serious. She is a royal bitch." Charles said.
„Oh! But I did! When Sir Arnold Robinson retired early, I pulled all-nighters just to find out why!" Lloyd giggled. „I just sensed, it must be something juicy. I used all possible means to snoop it out: spoke to my brother in MI-5, but he snubbed me like a real jerk and... then tried romancing Claire but she snubbed me too, alas."
„In a sense it is funny that I say it, but she is exactly one of those types, who give such a bad reputation to nepotism, as she has never helped anybody in her entire life and owes everything to her uncle. You should have expected this. She is a bad news." George said.
Meet Lady Claire Christinsen from National Audit Office. That one who dished out all embarrassing details of what happened at my wedding anniversary and got The Gentlemen and I into trouble. The niece of Sir Arnold Robinson. Throws the dullest parties in London. In other words, she is a bad news.
Lloyd was not finished yet. „But after she snubbed me, I saw things in a different perspective and concluded that probably there simply is not much to this after all and the old dog too wanted a new challenge. I looked more closely at what doing Robinson's new job requires. Basically spending wintermonths in the Carribean, going to the beach and getting wasted every day. And in the summer, taking proper care of spreading information all over London and getting wasted every day. Man, this is the most awesome job in the world! Hell or high water, I'd prefer doing this job over being The Cabinet Secretary any day!"
„Well, that's a very novel way of thinking – one might even be inclined to say, heretic – but your reasoning is fallacious, boy. If you believe you should pursue this issue, then negotiations with South Africa about reactivating the Simonstown naval base is the direction where to look, possibly. Which is coincidentally also the answer to how our failed fighter pilot Charles got himself a ticket for promotion to The Principal Private Secretary." Sir Frank said with a big grin.
„Knock yourself out, Frank." Jumbo facepalmed with both hands.
„Negotiations about reactivating what?" Lloyd asked, growing interested.
„Forget about what you just heard, Lloyd, for your own sake. If you pursue this old trash, not even I shall bail you out this time!" Bernard growled and took another shot.
„Well, alright, alright, I was just pulling your leg, Prichard, don't be a dumbfuck." Sir Frank said with an eyeroll. Then he added: „It's unlikely that you'll ever find any evidence anyway, as Appleby had it destroyed."
Jumbo poured shots for everybody and said: „Patience, Gentlemen. I'd rather we have a diplomatic solution here. I shall tell my story. And as you'll hear mine, you'll have no option of pulling out."
He drank a shot, lit up a cigar and continued: „I studied diplomacy. I think my educational path was pretty standard: hard studying alternated with heavy boozing. And I did lots of mischief. There also were, naturally, some occasional fights with The Cambridge Gentlemen. It's all a real cliché, but those were really good times!" Jumbo said and laughed heartily. „I sort of knew Humpy and Arnold back in the day too from some joint lectures. Ah, I remember, Humpy was drawing political caricatures during lectures. Was punished for doing it from time to time, but got away with it, when the jokes were especially funny. After my graduation, I started working in The Foreign Office, obviously. Before some smartnose asks, yes I had an uncle there. The first 20 years of my career were spent on diplomatic missions all over the globe. I loved it! I was not ambitious, really. But at some stage, I started pondering over settling for something slightly more peaceful. I lobbied hard to be appointed an ambassador to Argentina. I was turned down and I was truly devastated. Shortly after that I ran into Arnold. I complained about my sad fate and did not exactly get much compassion. Rather harshly he snapped: „Oh, I am SO sorry! Perhaps it's a hint for you to consider getting a real job at last!" I was shocked, but after a night of boozing got a strange thought, that maybe he has a point. I probably deserved a good kick in the pants."
Jumbo burst into a laughter.
He continued: „My first real job was training young diplomats. Then I got to looking around in the London social scene more closely. I think this is the point in time, when most of you here today were initially introduced to me. Eventually my higher-ups started thinking that I was corrupting the young diplomats. The situation was resolved according to the best practices of Her Majesty's civil service: a promotion. In less than a year after starting with training the young diplomats, I was promoted to the Deputy Chief of Staff. Arnold actually got his panties in a bunch over my success. I think he was envious. He was such an obviously ambitious chap and was working very hard to become the youngest Permanent Secretary, but more senior people did not always take him seriously." Jumbo laughed again.
„But despite everything – the old boy pulled it off. In about a year, Arnold became the Permanent Secretary in DAA. Only Lord knows how, but mere three years later became The Cabinet Secretary. Everybody was so confused, what the heck just happened. Some people were whispering it is scandalous, as he was not really considered to be sound. Just some outrageously ambitious schmuck who did not know his place, really... I went to congratulate my old buddy. He was there in his new office, full of himself and said that he has made a shitlist of stupid people. There will be a massacre and heads will roll, he said. And my boss was on top of his shitlist. He told me, that if I simply stay away from it, I can become an ambassador in Argentina or drink myself dead in any location of my preference. However, sadly there are not too many sound people around. And if, by any chance, I wished to help him, I could end up getting a REAL-real job. Most of the Permanent Secretaries still did not take him seriously and tried to screw him over at every step. Oh man, even the Prime Minister was somewhat suspicious of his authority. Truly scandalous! He wanted to wipe the slate clean and replace as many of the Permanent Secretaries as he could with people more benevolent towards him. Quite honestly - he had gone up too quickly and was now very desperate. He went above his competence level, before he was ready, alas. Well - any proper Gentleman such as myself naturally helps his desperate friend! In the end it did not turn out all that bad. Only three people were replaced and the rest shut their silly little traps immediately and bowed down to Arnold."
Jumbo paused to drink a shot.
„Well, worked as the Permanent Secretarty to The Foreign Office until I retired a couple of years ago. I believe it should be Woolley's turn now." Jumbo said.
„Sir Frederick, everybody knows everything about me before I know it myself and in a sense I am like an open book. People say that I am the God-loves-fools-and-drunks kind of chap and they are probably right. My story is not all that exciting, really." Bernard bluthered.
„Don't be a spoilsport, Woolley!" Jumbo frowned.
„If you insist... I read classics in Oxford and my educational path was classic in every sense, as hard studying alternated with heavy boozing. Fights with The Cambridge Gentlemen were not occasional, but a regular occurrence. It may not surprise you, but I really was not very bright – a bit of a brickhead, quite honestly. I had to study real hard. I memorized everything I could, eventhough I usually understood nothing. It was sufficient for graduating with a first. However, it came at a price – two of my three braincells are cluttered with citations in Latin and Greek and irregular verbs, which I shall remember till I die. Right after I graduated, I started working in MoD. I did not have relatives there, but my father-in-law, just might have dropped a word in my favour. I purchased cars for administrative staff. It was plenty of fun and my social life was great. I loved doing procurements. Probably most people might think, that I should have stayed there."
„Correct." Sir Frank remarked.
„Thank you, Sir Frank. Perhaps you would like to continue from here?" Bernard said.
„No-no. Go on, Woolley, it's interesting in a trainwreck sort of way..."
„Thank you, Sir Frank. Whether you listened or not, it is quite probable, that at some stage in your career you have also heard my father-in-law Sir George Huxley Sr. telling some compelling advice: be it hell or high water, always do your job properly and – always keep your hands clean, for it can be used against you and it will be used against you. But anyway, as stated previously, I was not the least ambitious, really. But my boss broke the rules, alas, it was a scandal and I was forced to replace him."
„Really chivalrous, Woolley." Sir Frank remarked drily.
„If you continue at a tempo like this, we'll be late to the strip club." Lloyd said.
„Oh noes. That would be the end of civilization as we know it. Perhaps I hand the word over to Sir Frank?"
„That's not a problem, take your time. We can continue story-telling on our way there." Jumbo said.
I never get off the hook easily, right? I hope noone asks anything too embarrassing.
„So. After a reorganization of duties, my division went under DAA. I loved working in MoD and I was devastated! When I was the head of division in DAA, the work tempo was awfully lax and noone ever bothered me. It was very boring and I had no friends. Then I hired Lloyd. We had three hour lunches, played billiards and bet on horses. We even got wasted in my cabinet from time to time. But eventually this twist in fate turned out to be a blessing in disguise. I ended up helping Appleby with something and I was promoted. Later followed to No 10 and that's quite it – then my career ended."
The Gentlemen started laughing.
„Awfully nice story, Woolley, but we want to hear dirt!" Sir Frank said.
„Perhaps I can help?" Lloyd suggested.
Bernard stood up and said: „It's 3 A.M, shall we go? Sir Frank has to tell his story on the way, alas."
At this stage most trainees were pretty blotto. The Gentlemen were not in much better condition, when they exited the nightclub and walked towards their next destination.
„My story is not all that exciting, really." Sir Frank said with a big grin. „I studied economics and graduated with a first. My educational path was standard in every way, as hard studying alternated with heavy boozing. Fights with The Cambridge Gentlemen might have happened. Went to The Treasury right after graduation. My uncle helped me to get in. But practically all people who studied with me went either to The Treasury, The Bank or got jobs in The City. I've worked in The Treasury all my life. In the beginning I rotated between different divisions, just like our young Georgie. I was not the least ambitious, really. But his old man, Huxley Sr. liked me – he did not think I talk too much. He actually found my distinguished sense of humour very refreshing!"
„Oh cry me a bloody river, my dear Frank!" Jumbo said mockingly. „The old Georgie was... you know... a little... ill! Quite ill!"
„Oh no, not that..." George whispered and facepalmed with both hands.
„Please, Gentlemen, this is not an appropriate topic under the given circumstances! People might hear! The Cambridge Gentlemen sort of people!" Bernard frowned. They had reached the stripclub and were standing in front of it.
„Oh please, let me finish my story, Jumbo, as you were so keen that I'd start!" Sir Frank said, growing flustered. „Huxley Sr. was an extremely well connected chap with an enormous authority and probably not even Arnold dared to mess with him too much. But he fell ill, alas, and had to retire early. I replaced the poor old chap as the Permanent Secretary after he retired and that's quite it – then my career ended!"
„Wow. That was quite a short story. A polite one. Dare I say, even a dull one. Frank! Woolley! Your stories sucked! I am so disappointed in you!" Jumbo growled in a loud voice.
"The only pre-defined criteria for the storytelling was – no lying." Bernard said. "Noone assumed, it has to be interesting, Sir Frederick. Noone ever assumes anything I say has to be interesting. Only strippers try to look interested, when I quote Latin to them, as long as I am paying."
"Don't quibble, boy!" Jumbo barked at him.
"Actually, Woolley has a point. And I must be very drunk indeed to say such thing." Sir Frank said.
"But, for example, how you fell out with Humpy would have made a much better story, my dear Frank! Or how Woolley fell out with General Howard, for that matter. Or, or, or..." Jumbo was thinking.
"Or negotiations with... with somebody about reactivating some... some... naval base." Lloyd slurred.
Silence.
„We should go in. Lord knows what else might come out if we looked too deeply into this." Charles said.
Whatever happened in the strip club was far less embarrassing than the earlier conversation, quite honestly. Although I know for certain that my wife beats me up, when I get home eventually.
It was 7.30 AM on Saturday morning. Bernard was sitting on a park bench with Jumbo and they were having last drinks before calling the night. Everybody else had gone home. Somehow it seemed like a good idea to talk business now.
„So. The Prime Minister wants to introduce this... hkk... scheme as his own brilliant idea now! And The Treasury loves this idea. The MoD chaps are seriously irate now and... hkk... I'm willing to bet, they are at our door on Monday morning 7 AM sharp and start throwing mud. Figuratively speaking of course. What I truly mean is... hkk... they'll have ballistic missiles pointed at us. My boss seems to be quite screwed this time... hkk... and hell, it might escalate into World War 3, if we continue like this." Bernard slurred.
„It seems like, boy, what you need is a... hkk... diplomatic solution! Back in the old days, when Arnold urgently needed a crisis... hkk... something fresh in the menu – he always came to us into The Foreign Office. The Foreign Office is never short of... hkk... crises, pal! Or can organize one or two, if necessary. Talk to the young Georgie's wife Mary perhaps? She's one of the bright alumni of... hkk... Jumbo's Diplomatic Academy you know!"
„The 5:95 rule! Hkk! Of course! That's a good idea... hkk... I'll see her in the evening, when I wake up. If I wake up, I mean. Thank you, Sir Frederick."
FIN.