Trial-and-error

by Hawkwitch

Approx. 10 years pre-canon. At this stage Sir Arnold is a rookie Cabinet Secretary, who has gotten himself into a very sticky situation. Can Sir Humphrey save his dear buddy from major humiliation?

Title: Trial-and-error
Characters: Sir Humphrey, Sir Arnold, Frank, OC
Genre: Speculation
Rating: PG
Warnings: foul language, sarcasm
Summary: Approx. 10 years pre-canon. At this stage Sir Arnold is a rookie Cabinet Secretary, who has gotten himself into a very sticky situation. Can Sir Humphrey save his dear buddy from major humiliation?

„Huxley should come to his senses. I'll go and have a few words with him, perhaps?" Sir Humphrey said and poured tea for Sir Arnold.
„No! He should come to my office and apologize." Sir Arnold snapped.
„But, my dear Arnold, the man in not an imbecile. He is simply stark raving mad. But he can be spoken to quite reasonably, once he gets off his crazy train."
„No, Humpy, no, just no!"

So... I went to The Treasury. Huxley's cretin of a deputy was greeting me instead. That boy is a disaster!

„Sir George is not available. If there is anything urgent, you should speak to me, Sir Humphrey." The deputy said.
„Don't get impudent with me, boy! I came here to speak to your boss."
„You do not have an appointment, Sir Humphrey."
„Don't you dare to take such tone with me, young snotty!" Sir Humphrey growled angrily.
„Sir George explicitly told me, he does not wish to speak to you, Sir Humphrey."
„I beg your pardon?"
The deputy grinned smugly and said: „Sir George said – and I quote word by word – „If Arnold comes and begs for forgiveness, then I shall speak to him, but if he does not have the balls to come here himself and sends that Appleby maniac instead, then tell him to a) shove it b) get stuffed c) go to hell.""
„You'll pay for this, kid!" Sir Humphrey turned red all over his face, pushed the deputy out of his way and slammed the door open.

The old man was standing on top of his table and citing Shakespeare's Hamlet. Pathetic! I could do a much better impersonation, if I tried to. He continued for two more minutes without paying attention to me. That was rather awkward.

Finally Sir George looked down on his visitor and said. „Humphrey. What an unexpected visit!"
„Dare I say – what an excellent performance that was! A real masterpiece!" Sir Humphrey said in an apparently sarcastic tone.
„To what do I owe this pleasure, Humphrey? Arnold sent you here, I assume." Sir George said.
„Not as such. " Sir Humphrey said. „But I would like to speak a few words to you, if you are not too busy."
„I wonder if I ought to be scared now." Sir George said mockingly. „But fine, since you put quite considerable effort into getting in, then you can have your five minutes."
„This is most considerate of you, George." Sir Humphrey said.

Sir George hopped off the table, turned to his deputy and said: „Frankie boy, would you excuse us for a moment? However, in case you should find unpleasant surprises on The Bonus Day, you do not need to look too far for the reason!"
Frank looked very sour, mumbled an apology and left.

Sir George, still clearly agitated, went to a wall and took a rifle, that was on the display into his hand.
„I showed my rifle to my Minister once. The lad took it in a little wrong way, I guess... it was not really loaded..." Sir George said and fell into a fit of giggles.
„How shocking. You should have loaded it, perhaps." Sir Humphrey said without a blink.
„Would you like some tea?"
„Sure."

„What happened at the meeting earlier today, was, of course, most appalling for all counterparties involved, but I came here with a bona fide assumption we can negotiate reasonably." Sir Humphrey said.
„Reasonably, you say, Humphrey? Our critique was perfectly reasonable." Gone was Sir George's earlier agitation and in complete clarity he spoke: „We stick to our earlier opinion, that the project is sound, but we do not have the budget for building that many roads in 5 years and the project should be carried out in 10 years instead. It has nothing to do with my personal opinion and anybody in The Treasury would tell the same. If your dear Arnold believes, this is some sort of a personal insult, then he is simply over-reacting. And this is it."
„One could say, what you are telling me right now, could have been the starting point for a compelling debate, but alas..." Sir Humphrey said drily. „This is not how I remember it, pardon me!"

What actually happened earlier today during a meeting in The Cabinet Office, looked much more like this...

„But look at the figures! Whichever way you wish to present it, Arnold, this is simply impossible. With this kind of a draft proposal, not even worthy to be my toilet paper, you insult the intelligence of your good colleagues. Who do you think I am? A Minister?"
„Oh, I am SO sorry! But you seem to be getting a little dull indeed, Georgie! Perhaps an extended trip to the sanatory, effective immediately? Or in case this will not help you, then I would kindly suggest you to try crematory this time!"

It might have been so that I laughed some and then some more.

„My dear George, the way I remember it, what you said at the meeting, did not have any substace in it whatsoever and therefore naming this „critique" is ridiculously far-fetched. It was a shockingly vulgar argumentum ad hominem in fact! And when Arnold tried to reply to you, you responded with more profanities. Decent Gentlemen do not do this kind of things to decent Gentlemen!" Sir Humphrey told sharply.
„Oh get your facts straight, rookie!" Sir George smirked. „Everything was written down! Our critique and counterproposal was circulated before the meeting. Or are you trying to tell me that you did not even glance at it...?"
„But Arnold said..."
„Arnold said! O tempora, o mores! We are talking about several billion pounds of taxpayer money here." Sir George bursted into a laughter and snorted tea from his nose. „You hotshots still do not see the marvellous irony of it all, do you? In 5 years I am retired anyway – or who knows, maybe in crematory indeed, so in principle I should not give a flying, if this project is doomed to go south... by any standard you ought to be more concerned than me that this project is carried out prudently."

The old fellow is crazy like a fox. The worst thing is that he is absolutely right. But I cannot tell this to my dear Arnold!

„There is a slight possibility, that it might get settled on 7 years. What do you say, George?" Sir Humphrey said.
Sir George finished his tea, stood up and started pacing around in his office in an agitated manner. „I am a little tired. I think I'll take a little nap. Thank you for coming, Humphrey, it was a most refreshing conversation. Now: get out of my office!"
„Pardon me, I have not finished yet!" Sir Humphrey snapped annoyedly.
„GET OUT OF MY OFFICE, YOU HEARD ME!"
„YOU BETTER LISTEN TO ME, WHAT I HAVE TO SAY, YOU... YOU CRAZY OLD COOT! OR... OR..." Sir Humphrey shot up from his chair, yelling back in rage.
Sir George slammed the door open. „FRAAAANK! CALL THE SECURITY!"
„I already did. They are waiting right outside in the corridor, Sir George." Frank replied, grinning from ear to ear.
„In principle, you could try calling the bluff, Humphrey, by all means." Sir George said with a hint of amusement.
„Mfmhmfmhf... I just remembered, I have something very urgent to attend to." Sir Humphrey said, growing flustered.

Oh bloody hell! Apparently the crazy train is only taking up speed. In hindsight, it appears so, that I should have listened to Arnold and not come here...

***

Next morning, there was another kicker in DAA. My Minister resigned after just two months. I'll have lunch with my dear Arnold and see which one will be sent here next.

"The poor devil complained to the Prime Minister that you are impossible to work with. Really, Humpy, this is not funny! Didn't I tell you to handle them with more subtlety?" Sir Arnold said sharply.
"The fellow is a complete wimp. Some deluded imbecile with principles. Could not take a little reality check and nearly started blubbing." Sir Humphrey said and rolled eyes.
"Oh I am sorry, but may I remind you, my dear Humpy, they all are like this! Pardon me, if I had not helped you to get a real job, you'd still be in Scotland!" Sir Arnold said coldly. "Even though, from what I have heard, even the Scotsmen – of all people – were appalled by your nasty temper and this is quite telling. Do you fancy going back to singing Auld Lang Syne every day?"
"Oh my dear Arnold, don't be so mean!" Sir Humphrey protested.
"I will see. But in the other news, apparently that mad old Huxley dog is not going to apologize! Disgrace! But well, he can suit himself. You see, Huxley has one great redeeming feature: he is old. In the worst case scenario, I have to suffer him for two years. Then he is bound to retire. But in case he gets very ill, then it might happen much earlier. Then he will be replaced by some rookie, who will be more interested in keeping his job than actually doing it." Sir Arnold said with a smirk.
"Well, my dear Arnold, this is a theoretical speculation, of course, but in case he actually nailed the situation and there are some fine points in what he rather boldly wants to label his "critique", then ignoring it deliberately might deteriorate the circumstances to an event, which triggers getting us all, purely hypothetically speaking, of course – dare I say – removed."

Very few people know about it, but when I was merely 27, I thought my career was already finito and I was as dead as a dodo. I was seconded to The Scottish Office... When I had been a mere grad, straight out of Oxford, it might have been unfortunately so, that I inadvertently stepped on the toes of people in higher places and they did not find it particularly amusing. Even my wife did not want to come to Scotland with me and stayed in London. I worked there for a couple of very dull and unproductive years doing a very boring job of no importance whatsoever. Even worse, I had no prospects of getting back into the game. Essentially I was exiled, alas. I was permanently stressed, one might even say desperate. My escape route appeared in an unexpected manner. My dear Arnold wrote to me that he starts working on the development of a new department that was going to be set up soon and I could come and work with him, if I wished so, as there was a plenty of work to do. Naturally, I jumped at the opportunity. Some people were quite surprised to see I was not dead. I worked on governmental real estate deals. Bought and sold property, launched greenfield developments, renovated existing buildings – just about everything. I have seen some projects gone sour, alright. Not anywhere near the billion pound scale, though. That was a chance event, but I discovered something that gets people moving their useless backsides. Namely, telling them about the joys of doing stupid mock-jobs in peripheral areas. The effect is most dramatic on junior staff of course, but it also works on other people, who have so far had the luck of never having been there... it appears so that even Arnold got a little shaken this time.

"I inform you that your new boy is a vain illiterate narcissist." Sir Arnold spoke into the phone 6.30 AM.
"Really? I always assumed that was a job description for Ministerial duty, how silly of me." Sir Humphrey replied sarcastically.
"Try being a little more subtle this time. Or some people might start reflecting on your soundness." Sir Arnold said and hung up.

Oh bloody hell. That one is the real killer. Subtle. Right. I shall master that, damn it!

The new Minister came to DAA at 11.30 AM.
"Wait? This is not the Ministry of Education?" The new Minister said and blinked in confusion, when he was welcomed to The Department of Administrative Affairs.
"No, Minister." Sir Humphrey said, trying not to laugh.
At 12 AM he went out to lunch with lobbyists. He returned at 2 PM.
At 3 PM, the Minister wished to leave. He looked at the little red boxes in dread and yelped: "I'm not some sort of lackey, Humphrey! The clerical staff should handle this! Bah!"
Then the Minister dozed off to a party in the Italian embassy.

The day after, the Minister came in the afternoon and started preparing for a press-conference. He was twirling in front of a mirror and asked: "How do I look, Humphrey?"

I wonder what is the most subtle way of saying "like a shaved monkey in pyjamas"?

"Most... remarkable, Minister." Sir Humphrey said.

Seems to be a sufficiently sound chap, in the loosest interpretation of the word, in a sense he is just the right person in the right place, if you ask me. Apparently won't grace me with his presence too much and leaves the business of government into the hands of experts.

"Aut viam inveniam aut faciam." Sir Arnold said indifferently.
"Very witty, my dear Arnold, but do you not see – we might end up very embarrassed in 6-7 years time." Sir Humphrey said sourly.
"My dear Humpy, are you questioning my judgement?" Sir Arnold snapped.
"Oh, no, no, no my dear Arnold!"
Sir Arnold sighed and with a slight glimpse of despair, he said: "If I back down and let that mad old dog prove his point, then, pardon me, I end up very embarrassed right now."

Ah, the marvellous agony of choice! Arnold's nearly clairvoyant powers manifested themselves the first time I met him. He was my roommate in the dorm of Baillie College. The first evening there, I suggested to play cards. No, he bets there will be a surprise test in the first lecture. Then he started telling about the questions, which have the highest probability of showing up. I banged my head against the wall, thinking, my roommate was not a very fun boy. A complete bore, in fact. But what do you say, there was a surprise test and he predicted right 8 questions out of 10. It was a bit disturbing. I suggested we go to the horse-racing track and let's see, whether he can pick winners there as well. Then he got cross and did not wish to speak to me. I started teasing him by drawing some funny pictures and even got him laughing eventually. Getting it right 8 times out of 10 is quite a remarkable edge, which has gotten him very far, but really... The Gentlemen are whispering everywhere that so much success has gotten into his head and he has started deluding himself that he is infallible. Something must be done, alas. Having this project creatively rearranged, so my dear Arnold won't be embarrassed, while at the same time I can get one-up with The Treasury folks is a bit of a challenge. The inspiration turned up from the most unexpected source!

"I really want this reception organized, Humphrey! I need it!" The Minister whined sourly.
"With all due respect, Minister, this is strictly a party matter. This cannot be done." Sir Humphrey said as patiently as he could.
"Yeah right!" The Minister said and yawned demonstratively. "While I worked in the Northern Ireland Office, the chaps organized those for me once a fortnight!"
"Nothing else can be reasonably expected from the Northern Ireland Office, Minister." Sir Humphrey said, trying very hard not to laugh. "But really, here in London it would cause some serious public scrutiny. This is bound to costs you votes, Minister. Plenty of them."
"Bah! The civil service in the Northern Ireland Office was a lot more creative than that! They simply put all related expenses under facilities management or some other crap..."
"Uhuh..."

Brilliant! That vain illiterate narcissist just gave me an idea!

***

"My dear Humpy, what I am telling to you right now is in complete and utter confidence. If you quote this to anybody... anybody, then you'll end up flogged right in the middle of Trafalgar Square. But it appears so that... I was wrong!" Sir Arnold said quietly.
"Oh my dear Arnold, could you repeat that last sentence please?" Sir Humphrey replied.
"Do not push it!" Sir Arnold snarled and grew flustered.
"Nil desperandum, my dear Arnold. Simply chop it off the agenda for now. Axe it and bury it. Then once our friend has retired, bring it back as a 10-year plan." Sir Humphrey said and poured tea for Sir Arnold.
"Yes indeed, my dear Humpy, I could have come up with this ingenious idea myself, because why not postpone, what should have been done last year." Sir Arnold said drily, clearly not pleased.
"But now we get to the best part. Without much advertising, we can start building the most urgent ones right now, if we label these as routine works!" Sir Humphrey said.
Sir Arnold glared his friend incredulously and said: "Humpy, this is pathetic! Noone in their right mind will fall for a deception so obvious..." Then he sighed in a resigned manner and said: "And this is the only idea we've got. Got to be worth a try!"
"In a sense it is funny that you say so. It is beside the point if it is too obvious, or as you would probably like to put it – "lacks subtle". Then be it so! Noone has the power to do absolutely anything about it!"

FIN.

Notes:
bona fide = in good faith
argumentum ad hominem = argument to the person
o tempora, o mores oh times, oh customs
aut viam inveniam aut faciam = I'll either find a way or make one
nil desperandum = never despair