The Truth About Future
Warnings: Major character death.
Rating: K+
Pairings: AkaFuri; side NijiAka/side MidoTakaSummary: Kōki lost what he cares for most and has to search through reality itself to get it back. If the future isn't set in stone, after all, neither should the past, right?
Notes: Just… don't think about it too much? My logic is very flawed throughout this entire fic.
If you asked me about my views on fate every year for my entire life it would be easy to plot a progression in a graph. Describing it would be easy, too, the same as we did in school; an exponential rise from indifference to a peak at the age of twenty-two, the last moments when my life actually resembled something other than a tragic opera, and a sudden drop to hatred. The easiest analogy I can form is enzymatic action as temperature rises.
I could pinpoint the exact moment of the turning-point too. It wasn't as if it were, in any shape or form, difficult. I could still remember the doorbell ringing and the slight confusion before a pseudo-realisation that Sei must have forgotten his keys. A mocking, but fond smile was on my face as I caught sight of myself in the mirror next to the door and I considered whether I should just leap into his arms as soon as I opened it. I could have ruffled his hair, then (it always bothered him when I did that but I couldn't bring myself to break the habit), kissed him on his cheek, taken his briefcase from him.
That I was shocked when I opened the door and three police officers were standing there was an understatement. I gave them my name when they asked for it, and they then asked what my relationship to Akashi Seijūrō was. I gave the answer to that too. "We're married." Newly married, in fact. It had been a whirlwind from the beginning, and it was only my attempts at slowing things down, terrified that we would mess everything up, that reined us in at all. If it had been just Sei's decisions running the show we would have been married at eighteen when we first got together.
"There was a shooting." No attempts at diversions or veiled truths. They explained everything in minute detail. I can't remember much of it, but that doesn't make any difference. The end result was the same, wasn't it? It still lead to Sei cold in his grave before his twenty-third birthday.
I remembered thinking on the way to the mortuary, of all things, the argument we'd had the night before. It wasn't like it hadn't been resolved, it wasn't guilt, but it had been so normal even if it was the first argument we'd had since we got married. About the dishes. Sei had announced that he was exhausted from work and I'd taken one look at the kitchen, still in disarray, and turned back to him. "What do you take me for, your maid?" What I'd been thinking at that point, rather than being just annoyed at him, was how my perception of him had changed. In Seirin, I'd been terrified of his temper, but now I was the one ordering him.
"Of course not, Kōki. I'm just tired." I had pointed out that I'd made the dinner in the first place, as well as cleaned the entire house—which was no mean feat in itself being several stories—and the least he could do was clean one small room. Various actions and words said lead to me demanding that he sleep on the sofa and he had done so until midnight when I'd heard the door open slowly.
"Kōki?" His voice had been quiet, and even though I'd been lying sleepless and hoping he would come up I considered staying silent.
"Sei—"
"I'm so sorry." He'd dived forwards and his arms had been around me and he was kissing my neck. I had apologised myself, told him that it was so cold without him here. The look in his eyes then had been unmistakeable and his lips had teasingly worked their way down my chest, saying that make-up sex was really one of the best kinds. "Besides," he had added, after lightly kissing my hip. "We have to practice for the honeymoon, don't we?"
I was jolted back to the present. The honeymoon. I would have to cancel it or refunds would be impossible.
I saw myself from above when I left the car and followed the officers through the hospital and down the mortuary, and wondered whether this separation was what the eagle or hawk eye felt like. It wasn't me, going down through the melee of children in wheelchairs and elderly men on the arms of equally-as-old women smiling at them fondly. Doctors were rushing to an emergency and a tiny baby was mewling from the commotion they made as its mother hushed and rocked it. I was somewhere above all that in a place where the endless cycle of life and death didn't affect me.
The mortuary couldn't have been far underground, but to me it felt like I was standing at the very gates of Hell itself. Nevertheless, I was starting to smile at the idiocy of all this; of course Sei was fine. I understood now; the body had been misidentified. That flash of red I could just about see through another pair of doors wasn't him but someone else who had the same colour hair. I would look at the body and see a stranger—still sad—but someone I had no connection to and never would. I would quickly accept the apologies from the officers, maybe offer to keep my eye open for missing persons who matched the description (though obviously this wouldn't be necessary) and get home, where Sei would be walking around the house and calling out to me. I could tell him about the awful mistake they'd made, and how I'd almost actually believed it even though it was ridiculous that he could be dead. We'd been married only two weeks before, for heaven's sake, people didn't die two weeks after their wedding. They died fifty, sixty, maybe even seventy years after. We still had over half a century of a life to experience – together. I could imagine Sei's smile as I told him all this—I could see it, it was right in front of me—and he would kiss me lightly, agreeing. He was the one always saying the things that made me blush, that we were forever and he doubted even death could really separate us. It was why we had chosen "As long as we both shall live" instead of "'till Death do us part" for our vows. And Sei was absolute; that was the one thing he'd never stopped laying claim to.
"Listen, this has to…" I trailed off as we neared the body. It was odd, he certainly looked like Sei.
"Can you identify him as Akashi Seijūrō?"
"This can't…" be happening. You promised forever, Sei.
"Sir?"
I ignored the question and the officers looking directly at me and touched his cheek, imagining warmth where there was none, and his neck, imagining a pulse where there was none. His pulse had always jumped erratically when I touched him; it was what convinced me that he loved me. "Sei, you have to wake up." I didn't think about the officers, shooting glances at each other. They didn't care, not really, after seeing this every day, probably. "Sei," I pleaded. If I begged enough he would have to get up. He didn't refuse me for long, not when I used this tone. He'd finished by cleaning the kitchen last night, after all. When I'd come down in the morning the surfaces were spotless and he'd been standing there making coffee and humming to himself, something that Shintaro had played on the piano when he was over last time.
The memory stopped just before Sei turned to smile at me and the image was replaced by the one in front of me.
"Sir? Is this Akashi Seijūrō?"
"It's Furihata Seijūrō."
One of the men turned to nod at the other.
"This is a joke, right?" The laugh I gave was strangled, so I stopped it in its tracks and instead looked at them, completely helpless. "He's got to wake up." My hand tightened on his shoulder, and I could almost imagine the skin as unyielding. He felt like a statue in his serenity.
"The victim was shot in his chest leaving a café at 10:30 this morning according to witnesses."
10:30. I'd been in the garden tending some of the flowerbeds. It had been the main upside to living in a house instead of a block of flats. I'd always loved flowers and gardening.
But that wasn't even the point. I would have known if Sei was hurt. It would have been instinctive; I would have felt someone watching me, a shiver up my spine, the world would have darkened—the world would have stopped.
"That's ridiculous. Shootings don't happen in Japan. He's just got to wake up. He's faking it. He's faked being asleep before." I couldn't bring myself to look at his face again though I touched his jaw. "Sei, stop fucking around. This isn't funny anymore." Despite my words, a laugh bubbled out of me. "Trust me," I told the officers. They were looking at each other again. "I know him. He wouldn't… he wouldn't do something like this to me. He knows I need him. Sei. Sei." I shook his shoulders and the world became blurry when his head lolled. The officers stopped me, catching my arms and pulling me away from him. "No, don't," I demanded, though my voice was getting higher and cracking. I was cracking. I could almost hear it, something between reality and a world I wanted—some sort of barrier—was slowly developing cracks like a spider's web. "Sei! Get up now." But they were taking me away from him and the barrier had disintegrated—not even broken, just disappeared—and I wondered how it was that anyone could survive after a blow like this. "He's got to be alright."
"I'm sorry, Furihata-san."
It was eerily silent for a while as I turned away from the door (where Sei was on the other side, still sleeping, still sleeping). "How…?"
I think it was the name that stopped me. Sei had insisted he take my name; even if he was head of the company and had made peace with his father he still wanted some separation from it all. I had answered that he was too stunning to be called something as common as Furihata. He'd laughed and pulled me close. "You're the one who's stunning, love. I sometimes think you've stolen light from the sun." I hadn't argued with him, though I definitely hadn't agreed. I'd never thought of myself as ugly, but I certainly didn't have the same striking beauty as Sei. He was all delicate but strong, elemental energy. His eyes were fire and lightning. His smile gathered stars.
It wasn't possible that someone like that would have left the world without me knowing.
In a chain of events that I refused to connect in my mind I signed all the necessary paperwork and was handed some brochures for funeral homes which I shoved in my pocket without looking at properly. Kazunari was there at one point. Just before I left, the officers asked whether I wanted to see the body again. I refused; as long as I didn't accept it there was still a chance that he would walk through the door.
Kazunari told me later that he and Sei had meant to meet up that morning at the café, but he had cancelled due to a cold. When the police had rang and asked them to come collect me he'd told Shintaro that he was meant to be in the same place. "I've never seen him look so haunted. He couldn't stop trembling for close to five minutes." I'd answered that I was grateful for that. I didn't know how I could have gone through losing Sei and my best friend.
I stayed at their house for the next few days as I sorted out various details. I had forgotten just how much every issue which had to be resolved brought the person to the forefront of one's mind. I had been a child when my father had died, after all; I'd been involved the minimal amount I could be.
Forgetfulness was bliss, it was sure. The next morning, though the sheets were unfamiliar and the feel of the room was different, I rolled to the right before completely waking up and instinctively reached for Sei. When my hand hit empty, cold air I frowned and his name almost came to my lips as a question before his expressionless face came to my mind and pieces fell into place. I sat up and pulled a pillow into my arms. Pretty much all I could muster was anger towards Sei—it surprised me with its intensity—and I futilely tried to hold back any other emotion. Maybe the strength of my anger could bring him back. Any minute now he'd walk through the door. That was it; we'd stayed over at Shintaro and Kazunari's because we'd had too much to drink to be able to drive back and it was easier and kinder than waking up a chauffeur. Any minute now he'd walk through the door which lead to the en suite with a towel around his waist and his hair wet, beautiful and real and alive.
Several minutes of watching the door intently didn't summon anything, even an image, and even when I furiously got up and opened the door to make sure he wasn't hiding from me he wasn't there. I settled on the floor, as gracefully as I could manage when my legs were threatening to give way. "Stop fucking playing around, Sei. This isn't funny. I'm going to kill you when you get back." Repeating those words gave me some sense of security, even if I didn't like swearing. In two days, Sei had driven more expletives out of me than he had our entire four years of being together.
Four years?
That couldn't be right. Love like we had couldn't develop in only four years. A quotation, I couldn't even remember who from, came to my mind. No one knows what perfect love truly is until they've been married a quarter of a century. What a load of crap. No one ever anticipated not having a quarter of a century.
"Kōki?"
I half turned my head to Kazunari before sighing and getting up off the floor.
"Do you want to have breakfast in here?"
"Uh… no, thank you. I'll come downstairs." His bright smile then was enough to make me feel guilty. How much had he been worried about me? "You don't need to worry, Kazunari. I'm fine."
He nodded and I followed him as he trotted down the stairs.
Those days were spent in the manner of slowly realising that Sei wasn't behind every closed door with a mocking smile, ready to bound out and laugh at how he'd scared me. It was getting to be too cruel, even for him. Even if in sleep he was there, kissing me and telling me that everything would be fine, as soon as I woke up he evaded me.
"I should probably go back home," I said on the fourth day. "I still need to cancel the honeymoon and… oh, the cat! I forgot about the cat!"
"No, don't worry. I've been feeding her. She's fine."
I almost dropped the brochures to the funeral homes in relief. The thought of going home and finding a dead cat had almost made me lose it.
"I had no idea all this stuff was so expensive," I said, half to myself. "I suppose I can use the money we were going to use for the honeymoon." I pulled a face and Shintaro and Kazunari exchanged a horrified glance.
I heard them later, talking quietly to each other. "Using the money for their honeymoon for his funeral? That's too awful. I can't take it, Shintaro. I don't even know how to help him." I decided then that I would go home. There was no use delaying the inevitable and possibly driving away my closest friends.
The mail was in a neat pile on the cabinet in the hallway when I got back, Kazunari's words still ringing in my ears. He'd hugged me when he dropped me off, telling me to call him whenever I wanted. I flicked through the letters, setting the ones that were addressed to Sei to one side as there was a miaow and the cat twined itself round my legs and pawed at me until I bent down to pick her up. "Things have changed now," I informed her. She blinked at me and rubbed her face on my cheek.
Shintaro and Kazunari came round the next day (to check that I was still alive? Probably) and tried to lighten up the entire house. It worked for a while—Kazunari being cheerful helped my mood—until Shintaro handed me a card.
"What is this?" I said, frowning at it. All it had was a name and a number. "Are you trying to get me to date already?"
Shintaro shook his head. "She's a medium."
"Shintaro…"
"I know you don't believe it, but it might help to know that he's at peace."
The entire situation made me very uncomfortable, but I shrugged. I felt too weak to put up much of a fight anyway. "Fine. I'll give her a call."
And I did call, that evening. The mystic answered, asked for my name and my reason for calling (shouldn't she know that already?) and put me in for a week after. Meanwhile, my life started to bring itself together again, slowly. There was a blip when I received the life insurance cheque (seeing the loss of someone's life quantifiably measured, in something as crude as money seemed inhumane), but I still kept the house clean and the garden neat as ever. On the surface, it didn't seem like the building had received such a tragedy.
The medium's house, by contrast, seemed as if it had received a thousand tragedies. I made a mental note to hit Shintaro later for getting me to do this and knocked at the door. The woman, only a few years older than me and dressed very stereotypically, ushered me into a small room at the back which was lit dimly with coloured lights which reflected off the crystal ball on a small, round table. The walls were covered with various gauzy fabrics and when they 'mysteriously' rustled as I entered I had to bite back a smile.
"Furihata Kōki?"
"How much do I owe you for this, then?" I asked.
She smiled. "Nothing. I'm doing this as a favour."
"For whom?"
Even with my harsh tone, she still smiled. "Put your hands over the crystal ball."
I sighed in exasperation—this was a complete waste of time—and raked my fingers through my hair before putting my hands over the ball.
Or at least trying to, because a few centimetres away my hands met a kind of barrier. I jolted back at the sudden coldness.
"Keep on going, it won't resist for long."
"What won't resist for long? What was that?"
"Your mental block. Physically pushing through it will help your mentality."
That didn't make any sense whatsoever. A mental block was just that, mental. It wasn't possible for it to manifest itself physically. But I still tried to push through. She put her hand on mine when it still resisted.
"Do you have something of Seijūrō's with you? If you can feel his presence linked to it then it may be easier to leave your doubts behind."
"How did you know…?"
She lifted up a paper. "It was in here. I did some research."
Her admitting it like that surprised me, but I felt strangely comforted, and almost convinced that she was telling the truth and would continue doing so.
"I have his wedding ring," I said, taking it out of my pocket. One of the officers had handed it to me when I was waiting for Kazunari.
"Perfect. Can you feel his presence linked to it?"
I was about to say no, of course not. It's a piece of metal. No matter what it represents it has no bearing on the fact that he's dead, but a kind of thrumming was going through it when I held it in my hand and I looked down at it. Something about it… it almost felt like Sei was next to me. He'd always had a presence. I always knew when he was in a room, something about the way everything leaned towards him and my feelings wrapped themselves around him. I had to look either side to check whether he wasn't there, watching me silently.
"Try again," the woman said softly.
I put the ring on my finger, above my own, and reached forward again. The barrier didn't resist for long, not when I could feel Sei's hand on my shoulder and his lips pressing just under my jaw. The air around the ball was freezing cold and I almost shivered, and a veil came over my vision. I was frozen solid, unable to move even as inside myself I struggled and shouted. When the veil was removed I stumbled backwards, finding myself on my feet again and… somewhere else. I'd never been in this place before, but it looked like pictures of the Scottish moors I'd seen before, except everything was misty. As I looked up, I couldn't see the sky through the mist, and it gathered and became denser around me.
"What's going on?" I shouted to the woman, who was standing next to me and looking around expectantly, tapping her fingers on her chin.
"Ah," she finally said. I followed her eyes to a dark shape in the mist approaching us. "If you arrive back inside your body I may not be there. Don't worry about it; just make your own way out. Don't forget to take some cards and recommend us to family and friends."
"If?" I tried to grab her arm, but she dissolved into the mist. I looked around myself nervously, until the shape that was approaching me became distinct.
"This is rather interesting. I never thought I'd be called out." The woman, even though she was definitely Japanese, was taller than me and somehow familiar. "You want your husband back, right?"
I just stared at her for several moments and tried to remember if the woman from before had been pumping hallucinogenics into the air. "I'm not going to make a deal with the devil," I said.
She laughed. "No need. You can trust me; I won't hurt you."
"What's going on?"
"You're going to stop Seijūrō from dying. Or at least, you're going to try."
Naturally, I was convinced that losing Sei had made me lose my mind. There wasn't any other plausible explanation, after all. An out-of-body experience and a random woman coming out of the mist? This was the stuff of fairy tales and myth. "I'm going to… stop him. From dying. Something which has already happened."
"The accidental necessity of the past is easy to rectify, really. It's just that; an accident."
I buried my face in my hands and groaned. "I'm going to kill Shintaro." When she chuckled I looked up at her again. She had her hand over her mouth and was looking at me fondly. "What's the catch, then? Someone else has to be sacrificed? He won't remember anything?"
She shook her head. "The only catch is that it's difficult."
"You just said it was easy to rectify."
"Not to rectify it exactly as you want. The future isn't set in stone, after all. And neither is the past, as you'll discover."
"How does this make any sense? He's dead."
"How does it…? Hmm, I wonder." When she swirled her hand in the mist I was ready for her to disappear and leave me stranded, but instead the mist condensed even more, compacting until it formed some sort of mirror and a quick succession of images; too quick for me to identify anything but bright red hair, danced over the top of it. The woman watched them intently, a small smile at the corners of her lips.
"Will you just explain to me what's going on?"
The images died out and when she looked at me again she seemed contented. "You have been given a rare chance, Kōki. You can change the outcome of your life, and Seijūrō's too. You can stop him from dying."
"Don't joke around like that. It's cruel."
She ignored my interjection. "You need to go into all his timelines and change them."
"His timelines? What are you even talking about?"
"It's different for everyone," she said seriously. "But in Seijūrō's case, there are five possible paths his life could have taken. One of them has come to pass—and that is the shooting—but there are other possibilities when he lives. One of them is when he lives by your side for years."
That I was yearning for that was obvious. It was all I wanted; everything else could fall away.
And what would it really harm if I played along? I was quickly becoming a believer of if madness strikes, embrace it with all your being. Anything was better than reality, after all.
"What do I do?"
She put her head to the side slightly as she smiled and I blinked at the mannerism before she took my arm. "This may be uncomfortable."
It felt, to me, like I'd just jumped off a cliff and was bouncing off the rocks all the way down. I shut my eyes tight and expected—when the pitching and rolling stopped—to find myself bloody and broken, but I didn't feel any pain. The air didn't stab my lungs when I breathed in, and I slowly opened my eyes to streaming sunlight coming through massive windows of a conference room. I recognised the room; it was a part of the company's buildings and used for the most important clients.
"Why are we here?" I asked, shivering when I realised just how cold the air was.
She shushed me as a group came in, Sei at the head.
"Sei!" I covered my mouth with my hand; this was obviously an important meeting, but… he was there. "Sei, I'm sorry…" I trailed off when he didn't pay attention to me and sat down.
"They can't see you."
I didn't want to turn my eyes away from Sei; I was sure that some part of him would realise that I was here, but that little issue definitely needed to be addressed. "They can't see me? How am I supposed to change things then?" I still wasn't entirely sure whether I was hallucinating or not, so I wasn't sure whether I should blame the system or my own flawed imagination.
"Will you stop talking?"
I jumped at Sei's voice. It wasn't what I was used to—elegant and sometimes aloof, but with a tone to it that showed that he did care—but was clipped and harsh. It was true that there was a strange beauty to it, but the type of beauty that terrified whoever happened to look on it.
His expression was colder as well, his golden eye flashing in a way that drew light in. He was a black hole, sucking all light into himself and diminishing it.
"We have to prepare for this, else all of us are going to lose our jobs instead of just those who are incompetent." I wished I could slap him when he turned to look directly at a few people to single them out.
"What's wrong with him?" I said under my breath. My legs were trembling slightly as Sei happened to look at me—look through me—with his eyes cold enough to freeze my blood. He'd never looked at me like that; even when I'd first seen him he'd been more curious than anything else.
"He focussed on work rather than anything else and became a worse version of his father."
I shook my head. "That's not possible. I've never met anyone warmer than Sei." I kept my eyes on him, trying to find some shadow of the man I loved, but every gesture and expression showed that he just wasn't there. It was a cruel monster which had taken his shape. "It's not him."
"You had a good influence on him." She shrugged her shoulders as she talked.
"I couldn't have had that good of an influence on him." I knelt down in front of him and tried to touch his cheek, but my hand passed right through him as if I didn't exist. He frowned slightly then and touched his cheek, his expression becoming slightly more open. "Sei," I said insistently. Maybe there was still some sort of connection between us? But when he settled back as if nothing had happened I questioned just how plausible my own perception was when I was around him. "I can't let him be like this."
The woman nodded in agreement and mist started to cover us again. "No! I have to—" I turned back to him quickly, trying to catch a glimpse of him before my vision was completely obscured. He happened to look up; the last thing I saw before the world was enveloped in white was his eyes, slightly confused. "Why…?" I tried to break away to reach him but my feet were fused to the ground.
"This is what is going to happen." I turned back to the woman, who was straightening her clothes. "Humans are more determined than people want to think. In Seijūrō's case, there are five possible paths his life could have taken. It's a simple matter to eradicate them."
"Eradicate them?"
She continued as if I hadn't talked, though I was feeling almost sick at the thought of eradicating Sei's future. The same way the gunman had.
"Because of these five determined paths, if you make them in one way or another impossible to have come about, they will disappear and his options will be limited."
I lifted my hand, and strangely enough she stopped. "This isn't sounding good."
She gave me an impatient look and her eyes flashed. That was odd… I frowned at her, but an image which had been brought to mind by that expression evaded me. "Does his getting shot sound good?"
I looked down and pressed my hands to my eyes. "I don't want to take his options from him."
She sighed. "No one really has much freedom. It's an illusion."
I couldn't help but laugh at that. If freedom was an illusion then so was everything else, right? Hope was futile, anger was futile, passion was futile, love was futile. There was no way I could believe that what I felt when I saw Sei was futile; it was everything to me.
"So what do I do?" I snapped.
The mist started receding and I could see buildings form themselves around me slowly, as if I was watching them being built from ceiling to floor.
"Trust your instincts."
"What?"
But she had faded with the mist, leaving me on a sidewalk which suddenly filled with people.
The sun felt like acid against my eyes for a moment and I blinked several times to rid my eyes of black spots. I was in the middle of Tokyo, not lost even though this was an entirely different reality to what I was used to. I pressed my hand to my mouth so I wouldn't burst out laughing in the middle of the crowd and make a fool of myself.
"Furihata-kun!"
I turned automatically, not even realising how odd it was that I had been recognised in a different reality. Maybe I didn't change all that much; it would certainly make things easier.
The figure that had called out being Kiyoshi-senpai surprised me, as did the pitying look he gave me. "You look tired."
I almost riled up at that and shouted something along the lines of "Well, my husband did just die" but reined myself in and smiled politely. "Do I?"
"I don't blame you." He still sounded pitying. What? Had I been put into the wrong reality? Was I in the real one—for want of a better phrase? "After all, divorce can't be easy. Especially in your circumstances."
I wish I could say that I took it in my stride, but for a moment or so I was gaping at him with my mouth open. "Huh?" Divorce? That didn't happen to people my age; people rarely got married at my age. I almost scoffed out "I'm not getting divorced", but put my hand over my mouth and tried to work out how I could get the details out of him without revealing that I'd basically been dropped in from outer space.
But, still. Married so young in two lifetimes. Maybe I was just weak and couldn't refuse people.
"Yes? The… the divorce?" he frowned at me and I smiled.
"Yes, sorry. You're right; I am a bit tired."
"I don't think I would be able to sleep if my wife had cheated on me with my brother." I almost choked on my own saliva and gaped at him again. I'd never really gotten along with Kaitō, but to the point of sleeping with my wife? "Sorry!" he said. "I'm really sorry. I should just stop talking."
I was just relieved that he'd managed to spill everything. "No, it's fine. Like I said. I'm just tired."
"Do you want to get a coffee then?"
"Um…" I went up on my tiptoes to look around the crowd, trying to find a splash of red hair, but it was nowhere to be found. Where exactly was I supposed to find one—relatively short—man in the whole of Tokyo (there was no way he was in Kanto; I wouldn't have been dropped here just to find out that Sei was in another part of the country)?
"Are you looking for someone?" Kiyoshi-senpai joined me on my search before frowning at me.
The woman had told me to follow my instincts, right? I dropped back down and shook my head. "No. Coffee would be great."
We went to a starbucks just the other side of the road (from the pumpkin spiced lattes I guessed it was around Hallowe'en) and I sat us at the window so I could keep an eye on the crowds outside.
"Are you… sure you're alright?"
I bit my tongue and took one more sweeping glance outside. "There's someone I need to find," I said. Two people searching would be better than one, after all.
"Akashi-kun?"
I blinked. "That's amazing. How did you…?" I stopped talking when I saw that he was smiling to something behind me.
I was too scared to turn around, even when a slightly amused voice said "Make some space, Kōki. I'm not going to just stand here." I looked outside again, even though everything was aware of him. The buildings were holding their breath observing us. Fate itself was putting its job on hold to watch us. I was in agony, unwilling to look at him lest I break down into tears. I sat on my hands to stop the trembling. "Kōki?"
I looked at him. "I… I'm sorry." My voice sounded so weak that it annoyed me, but there was no way I could really blame myself. He was here, looking at me slightly fondly with that smile, the one that quirked one corner of his mouth up and made his eyes crinkle at the corners ever so slightly.
And I knew what he would become if he continued down this path he was on right now. This Seijūrō would be lost.
"How much sleep have you actually had in the past couple of days?" he asked.
I watched him as he sat next to me. Our shoulders were lightly touching and I was surprised the entire place didn't catch alight from the friction. "Not much," I answered honestly. "But I don't really want to talk about what happened." The look of understanding on Sei's face was almost enough to make me laugh; no, it's not because of my 'wife'. It's because of you. "How are you?"
He grimaced slightly and my heart was in my throat when he said, "Stressed. Taking over the company is harder work than what I'd been prepared for. Everyone thinks I got the job merely for nepotistic reasons." He leant back and looked up at the ceiling.
"Maybe if you're slightly harder on them—not cruel, obviously—just enough to get them to respect you."
Sei frowned thoughtfully at Kiyoshi.
"No!" I exclaimed. They both looked at me. "Well, it's the same with any leadership role, right? The best way to gain their respect is to do the job well and be kind. It might take longer, but then at least they would do anything for you."
Sei looked at the table. "I think Teppei's right, actually."
"No, he isn't!" Kiyoshi-senpai sent me an odd look. I didn't know what would happen if I didn't manage to change the future, but I didn't want to run the risk of being stuck here when Sei wasn't what he should be. "And anyway," I continued blindly. "I thought you didn't want to take the company over? What happened to playing basketball professionally or shogi?"
Sei blinked. "How did you know that?"
Oh, shit. "I… guessed?"
He put his head slightly to one side. "That was my dream when I was a child. But everyone has to grow up." He stood up as panic ran through my head. I couldn't let him go. I couldn't run the risk that the world would lose one of its best people.
"Wait!" I grabbed hold of his arm and his eyes were wide as he looked at me.
I recognised that look. When he was like this, it was easy to read him. He did love me in this reality, but must have just squashed his feelings down when I'd gotten married to that other girl. I kept my hand on his arm and the lightest blush coloured his cheeks—to anyone else it would have been unnoticeable. The fact that he loved me, but hadn't fought for me was surprising. This wasn't Sei as I knew him. "It's not worth it if you're not happy, right?"
A veil came over his expression. "Duty and happiness are two different things, as you very well know."
I blinked at that. It was certain that I didn't know. He turned away and pulled his arm from my hand. "Wait! I'll walk with you." I turned back to the table to grab my jacket and saw Kiyoshi-senpai watching us with wide eyes. "Oh, I'm sorry. Do you mind if I go too?"
"Of course not. Go ahead."
Sei's shoulders were tense and he looked as if he was in the middle of a fight-or-flight response, but he still waited for me. "Don't you think you have a duty to happiness?" I said, wildly grasping at anything that could help.
We were halfway down the street when he suddenly stopped. "Why did you…?" I was confused as I watched him. He looked almost terrified and uncertain. "Why did you come with me? It's still… difficult to be around you." He wasn't looking at me in the face, so I allowed myself the freedom of looking confused for a moment. I couldn't ask what it was he was talking about; I couldn't imagine the anger if I did. He would probably think I was laughing at him.
"I just want you to be happy," I ventured cautiously.
It was the wrong thing to say. His face twisted in pain, enough that I could feel it radiating to me as a physical hurt. "I gave that up years ago. There's no use in it." He glared upwards at the sky as I started moving closer to him. Mist enveloped me again and I almost cried out in frustration. I hadn't finished. What did fate think it was, pulling me around like this as if I was worth nothing?
When the mist receded and I found myself face to face with… myself. I jumped back and made an odd yelp. I didn't understand this time travelling thing, but I was pretty sure that seeing myself in a different timeline was not a good idea.
The other me didn't realise that there was anything amiss, though. I… he turned around, jolted a bit when there was a dull thump at the door. "Uh… come in? Misaki?"
"Not exactly." The voice was slightly amused, and painfully familiar. Sei had opened the door and was leaning against the door frame, hair windblown and with an expression that I completely recognised on his face.
Apparently the other me recognised it too, because I/he blushed bright red. "I told you not to come, Seijūrō."
Sei ignored me/him, came forwards and took my/his hands with a tenderness that surprised me. "I just want you to be happy, Kōki." I watched the happenings as they unfolded, the way my/his eyes fluttered shut and the way Sei leaned forwards and kissed me/him. Hands tightened in his jacket, pulling him closer. Sei was just as desperate, but he pulled back slightly. "I know that you can't be happy with her. Come with me."
"Seijūrō, I'm getting married tomorrow." I/he gasped when Sei pressed me/him against the wall lightly and kissed my/his neck. I could almost feel it myself, his lips and the gentle scrape of teeth, the tip of his tongue tracing shapes against my skin and touched my own neck, blinking away tears. That had worked remarkably well in the past; it didn't take much for me to melt under Sei's hands. And it was definitely working for the other me; I/he had closed my/his eyes tightly, knuckles white from grasping Sei's hair.
"It doesn't feel like this with her, does it?"
There were tears in my/his eyes, and I/he had pressed a hand to my/his mouth to stop the sobs from coming out. "No." Painfully honest, and it seemed to cost me/him something to admit it. "It doesn't. But that's not the point."
"It isn't?" I couldn't see what Sei was doing with his hands from this angle, but it was obvious from the way my/his body trembled and I/he bit his lip hard.
"Please… don't."
Sei's breath stopped but he stepped back. "You're lying to yourself, Kōki."
"Maybe. But I have to do this. I can't cancel the wedding now, and you have to take over the company. You can't be distracted by someone like me."
It had been my fault, then. Refusing him; that had been what had lead Sei down the path to becoming what I'd seen in the conference room. I watched as he shook his head. "Someone like you? What are you talking about?"
He/I pushed his/my hair back with one hand. "I'm not part of your world, Seijūrō. I can't keep up."
"I'd give it all up for you." It wasn't even said passionately but as if it was a mere occurrence, a fact of life which couldn't be disputed. I will keep on breathing. My cells will continue producing ATP. I'd give it all up for you.
"You can't, Seijūrō. You need to stay in your world, I have to stay in mine. What we did last week…" I didn't see Sei's expression, but it must have been quite a sight because he/I stopped talking and just looked at him, before backing away and shaking his/my head. "It was wrong."
Sei was silent for a moment. "You've made your decision, then?" His voice was cool and professional, and he/I winced.
"I think you should leave."
He/I had his/my eyes closed so when Sei kissed him/me again, quickly he/I was obviously shocked. I turned to watch Sei walk out, and only heard the sound of someone breaking down behind me before the mist came back.
When it was gone I was back on the street. No time whatsoever seemed to have passed; the same people were walking past me and Sei was still looking up at the sky.
"Don't give up." His eyes snapped back down to mine, strained and angry, but it didn't scare me. Maybe it should have, but I just went up to him and squeezed his hand as his eyes widened. "I made a mistake. A stupid, idiotic mistake. Of course I should have gone with you."
His eyes flicked down to my mouth and back to my eyes. "You were right before."
"No, Seijūrō, please just…" He didn't remove his hand from mine so I took the other. "I was always thinking about you. I regretted my choice even before…" I shrugged. "You know. I don't deserve it, but I want to try again."
His lips were parted. His eyes wide made him seem like a child. "Kōki…" He frowned slightly. "Are you wearing two wedding rings?"
"I… uh…"
He shook his head. "It doesn't matter. Do you really want to try again?" He was looking cautious, but still hopeful. I brought his hands to my lips and kissed his knuckles.
"Yes. I'll never hurt you again. I promise."
He looked slightly startled at the promise, but seemed to accept. He let go of one of my hands to trace along my jaw, and this was it. This was the Sei I knew, taking control but still watching me as if I was something precious. My breath quickened as his thumb traced along my bottom lip and he leant forwards slowly. Even before he touched me, I was feeling light-headed, so I had completely forgotten where I was when his lips were against mine. I couldn't hear the bustle of the town any more, they were indescribably irrelevant. It was like the first time, just Sei's lips trapping mine, his slight smile when he had to support me, his taste and his touch only making me want more of him; I could never have enough of him. When I whined at his pulling back he put a hand against my lips. "We're in public."
"Why should that matter?"
He smiled at my disgruntled tone and took my hand. "How about we get out of public then?"
I tried to hold on, I wanted to be with him. This life would have been fine; he was alive and loved me as I loved him, but just as he was pulling me along, saying something about a hotel he knew which would have at least one room free immediately not too far away, the mist came again and even as I strived to keep the image in my head the world disappeared.
I looked to my right, and sure enough the woman was there. She seemed happy, for whatever reason, even as I glared at her and said, "Couldn't have waited a couple of hours?"
Seeming slightly startled, she responded with, "Your job is done. That life path is taken away from him."
I shook my head and sighed. "What now?"
I might have imagined the expression she had then, the slight twist of pain and lowered eyes (in retrospect, I realised that I definitely didn't) and she smiled at me. "Just… try to keep it together?"
The warning wasn't enough.
It seemed normal to begin with. A room I recognised with furniture I recognised. Except that it was colder than what I was used to, I relaxed in the familiar environment, chalking up the woman's tension to nerves which didn't concern me.
Until I heard the broken sobbing behind me and gasping of "Wake up. Wake up," over and over. A chill went up my spine when I turned, and the pieces refused to fall into place even as I was looking at it. What it seemed to be: Sei crouched over me, brushing my hair back desperately and crying. Tears were dropping down onto my face and catching in my eyelashes. What I could see: bruises on my neck. Eyes open but unseeing. What I couldn't understand: everything.
"What's going on?" My voice seemed too loud, even with Sei sobbing and imploring me (in the same way that I had implored him) to get up, so I repeated it again in a whisper. The woman just shook her head and I moved closer to Sei, freezing into place as incomprehensible pieces started falling into place. "This doesn't make any sense." I dropped to my knees next to us. But no matter how hard I looked at it nothing changed.
I knew what death was. I'd seen it when it took my father and the same when it took my husband, but it was different to now. The one thing someone was never meant to see was their own corpse. That was supposed to be left far behind and be of no consequence to… whatever left the body. I shouldn't be feeling sick as I looked at my own lifeless form.
The mist came back before I even really understood how it could have gotten to that point. I was still on my knees staring at the space where I had been, before turning to the woman. "I don't get it."
"The company lost a lot of money and Seijūrō had to work overtime to get it back on its feet."
I shook my head. "So?"
"So he was under a lot of stress – there were other issues too – and he… started to lose his grip on reality. When you came in, you startled him. He thought it was someone who wanted to hurt you."
"I don't know what kind of shitty game you're playing here, but I know Sei. He would never hurt me."
She watched me for a few moments as I glared at her. The way she was watching was so infuriating, as if it was me who had made the mistake. But I knew that it couldn't be me; the thought of Sei hurting me was incomprehensible.
"You noticed it, didn't you?"
I froze. "What?"
"That every now and then there was something almost… other inside him. Something a bit more animalistic and frightened."
I got to my feet and pointedly turned away, covering my ears like a child.
"It wasn't his fault, Kōki. Psychosis and schizophrenia makes people lose control. He didn't know what reality was any more."
"He's not that weak."
"It's not weakness."
I didn't want to think about it. I didn't want to think about the darkness that I had seen in Sei's eyes sometimes, the confusion when he looked at me, as if he didn't know how I'd gotten there. We'd brushed it under the rug in a silent agreement; nothing was wrong. We were a normal couple with no problems other than stress from balancing the company and our lives. Nothing that could make Sei lose control to the point that he could… kill me without even knowing it.
The woman came next to me. "The police put it as a murder-suicide pact."
"Stop… what?" She didn't answer, but her steady, sad gaze ruled out any misunderstanding. I groaned and put my head in my hands. "You said it would be easy."
"Is it easier to leave him dead?"
The mist started dissipating slowly as I sighed and lowered my hands. "He's not like that," I insisted. "So you say there's one life when we end up happy together?"
She nodded.
"I'll get it, then. For him."
She disappeared with the mist, and I found myself in a body which was entirely relaxed, a heavy weight across my waist. It was familiar enough that I wasn't surprised when I turned and saw Sei, apparently dreaming, if the expressions on his face were anything to go by.
I still wasn't scared.
I'd felt every emotion when it came to Sei. At the beginning, fear and hatred, even with a bit of awe that anyone could have such mastery in anything, let alone a relatively short man being such a prodigy at basketball. Of course I'd been envious of his talents, even more so when we happened to run into each other at various gatherings and it seemed there was nothing he couldn't do perfectly. That had slowly become fascination and finally despairing love, until I found out that he reciprocated my feelings. Trying to keep our relationship as slow as possible, I'd been filled with fury, passion and adoration more times than was even worth counting, but it had been years since I'd been scared of him. I'd always known, without a doubt, that he would never hurt me.
And even after seeing what I'd just seen, I still wasn't scared of him. Right now, I could stay here forever, forgetting everything but him. He was still alive, and all of me yearned for him.
He woke up, and like always his arms tightened around me and brought me closer before his eyes opened. He didn't speak for a moment, pressing small kisses to my shoulder as his hand traced over my hip. "Shall we stay in bed all day?" I said softly.
Sei pressed a kiss to my lips and pushed me away when I tried to deepen it. "You know I have a lot to do today."
I sat up when he got to his feet and tucked my knees under my chin. "You really can't leave it for tomorrow?"
He frowned and shook his head.
I swear; these types of moods that he had were the bane of my existence. I could tell, even with a parallel-reality, that he would spend the day entirely focussed on work, and as a result be particularly stressed and edgy that evening. He didn't change that much between realities, then.
I felt inexplicably lonely when I heard the shower start up.
I suppose it was just how close to my reality this was. I remembered how it was at the beginning, how Sei would spend every moment he could with me and that we would spend entire days together, not even doing anything physical, but just being together. It was why I'd been looking forward so much to the honeymoon; an entire month of just being with Sei, without distractions from the company which I had started believing – long before these events – was toxic? I couldn't think of anything more perfect, no matter where we were. But with the company, his attention was easily divided. With the tentative grasp he had on the relationship with his father, he couldn't risk anything to anger him or we would be both cut off. He was already furious enough that Sei decided to be with me, and only became angrier when he decided he would take my name instead of remaining an Akashi.
It was strangely eerie, being in a house I recognised as my own whilst feeling the differences of a new reality. I walked through the house slowly and tried to note any changes, jumping when – as I was examining the living room – Sei put his arms around my waist. "I'll be back as soon as I can." He kissed my neck, and I had to let him leave.
How was I supposed to use my instincts to change his future when the man in question wasn't here? The question haunted me as the answer eluded my thoughts throughout the day. It was only when I was eating dinner alone in the kitchen, sitting on the counter that I slowly started to formulate a plan.
All I had to do was change the future, right? It didn't matter how. I repeated to myself what my goal was; that elusive existence when we were together – lived an entire life together instead of fragments of one.
When Sei finally made it back, I was sitting on the sofa with packed bags around me. It wasn't necessary, of course, but if anything I needed Sei to be absolutely convinced of my being serious.
"Kōki?"
I had to take a calming breath to brace myself before I looked at him. "Sei, I…" My voice cut off when he looked at me.
There was no way I could even begin to understand how much pain was in his expression. He felt things on a different level to me, more intensely, to the point when he couldn't focus on anything else. "You… you can't. Don't, please. I'll make it up to you, I swear."
"You didn't do anything wrong."
His hands fused to my wrists, holding me closer. "Then…? Kōki, just stay. We can work through this."
"There's nothing to work through. You just have to trust me. I'm doing this for you, Sei."
My mind was seized with an inability to control my body when he put his head on my shoulder and his hand over my heart. "I can't, Kōki." I touched his hair lightly, squeezing my eyes shut as tears streaked burning paths down my cheeks. I thought I'd cried myself out when I was packing, but apparently there was always more emotion when Sei was involved. A bottom-less pit, it seemed.
"You can handle it. We'll both handle it."
He shook his head, and from the wetness that stroked across my neck I could assume that he was crying too. "You have no idea how weak I am, Kōki." His arms were tight around my waist, even as I dropped my hands from his hair and placed them on his shoulders to firmly push him away.
"You'll get over me," I insisted, trying to smile.
His eyes flashed with anger and he pressed a light kiss to my mouth which made all air leave the room. When he saw my reaction, the way I leaned forwards into him and my hands were fists by my side he continued. "What are you trying to prove, Kōki?" It was said against my lips, seductive and heated. I could only shake my head and try to back away.
"You need to focus on the company. I'm not important, in the long-run…" He was angry again when he put a hand over my mouth.
"Fine. If you want to leave, really want to, I won't stop you. Make me believe that you don't love me."
"That's not what this is about. I'm leaving because I love you."
He kissed me again, with a determination that made me realise where this was going. Maybe the outcome would change, if I was always careful. If I never pressured him into anything and took a backseat. Maybe knowing how he would turn out and always being ready to restrain him would be enough to divert fate.
He made me promise him, time and time again that night that I would always be with him. I believed it at the time, with his weight on me and his kisses heated in a way which rivalled fire, but after when he was content and asleep, it struck me that what I'd said was nothing more than lies. I slowly left the bed, penned a short note, 'I'm sorry' and made my way downstairs. It was pointless, I knew that, to leave the note; this lifetime would just disappear, wouldn't it? ––but I had a feeling that this Sei would still live on in my mind. The one I had betrayed and left.
The physical act of leaving the house with the various bags made the mist descend again, and I closed my eyes as the quickly-familiar blanket enveloped me.
The woman was sitting regally, seiza, on the ground when I regained my bearings. Her gaze was blank as she looked at me, before slowly inclining her head. "You did the right thing. I know it was difficult."
If I didn't have an aversion to hitting people I would have hit her then. "You can't know. You can't know how difficult it is to leave him." There was pain in her eyes and she cast her gaze downwards. "I suppose the rest are only going to get more difficult?"
"Depends on what you find more difficult."
When the mist had receded, we found ourselves in the middle of an empty street. Everything seemed pretty normal and I shot her an inquisitorial glance, which she returned expressionlessly. "What's happening now?" I asked.
She gestured to a house on the other side to where we were standing. A completely average house, a bit smaller than mine and Sei's. The garden was not as well tended, but there were still flowers and trees which gave some semblance of privacy. I edged forwards as if hypnotised when I heard a child's laughter.
"Masaru, if you keep on running around like that you're going to get hurt." Sei's voice, gentle and chastising, brought me forwards the last few metres.
"I know how to run, daddy."
Daddy? When I stood at the gate I could see into the front garden, where Sei was sitting on the ground playing shogi as a child of about six ran in circles around him with his arms out to either side, and making aeroplane noises.
"He has a child," I said in shock. The woman nodded when I looked at her. "Am… am I in this future?"
She looked away slightly before something behind me caught her eye. I didn't pay attention until someone walked through me and opened the gate, and I definitely paid attention when Masaru screeched "Daddy!" again and pounced on the man who had just entered.
"Are you trying to teach our son how to play shogi?" Sei looked at the man with a slightly exasperated look. I half recognised him from photos I'd seen of Sei when he was in middle school. "Seijūrō, not even your kid is as weird as you were. He has me too, after all."
"Yes, the very essence of normality," Sei retorted teasingly, gracefully getting to his feet to kiss Nijimura-san.
I turned on my heel, unable to watch any more. He looked so happy. And calm as he never was in my lifetime.
"I always thought that if we hadn't found each other then we never would have fallen in love with anyone," I said to the woman, who still had her eyes on the family. "But then I find out that I got married to someone else in another lifetime, and Sei is…" I gestured towards him. "He's so happy." I looked down at my hand, where the two rings were still glinting in the sunlight, and twisted Sei's around my finger, considering pulling it off and leaving it in his garden, for some kind of connection to his other lives. "I give up. He can have this lifetime."
The woman frowned at me. "What?"
"We always wanted children," I explained. "But I doubt I'll be a good father anyway. And he's more suited to Nijimura-san. They're… they're the same."
After one last look at them, she narrowed her eyes at me. "Look down at your hand." I sighed but did as she said. "You see it, don't you? The red string of fate?"
"I've always been able to see it," I said, trying to tug on it lightly. It didn't budge, as always.
"Look at Seijūrō again."
I obeyed, and watched with my heart beating too fast as Sei took the child from Nijimura-san's arms and kissed his forehead before setting him down on the floor. "What about him?"
"Look at his hand," she said insistently. I recognised the red string, of course. I noticed that he had it years ago. "They're still attached to each other, Kōki. He's happy with Shūzō, I'll tell you that much, but he'll be happier with you."
I didn't think I could ever see him as content as I did right now, pulling Nijimura-san lower to kiss him again, his other hand in his son's hair. So I shook my head. "I'll just be taking his choices away from him. What can I do to make sure this lifetime happens?"
She stared at me before glancing at Sei again. "You can't stop now. It's already been put into place. So… when you go back you'll have to stay away from Seijūrō. If he sees you he'll fall in love with you."
"I can't believe I didn't think about it like this. I'm taking everything away from him; he'll only be with me because he doesn't have any other choice."
"Humans are idiots," the woman said, looking up at the sky. "Fate chooses what is best for you, but you still try to resist."
"As if you're not a human?"
"Not anymore."
I was relieved when the mist came and encircled me. The best to stay away from her and her riddles.
When the mist withdrew I found myself in Tokyo, familiar and comforting enough that I spent a few minutes doing nothing more than looking at the buildings as people walked past. It must have been late afternoon, and when I recognised the street I realised that I was about four miles east of Seirin. After aimlessly wandering around I put my hand in my pocket and found enough yen to stay at a hotel for a night. I would call my mother the next day, I told myself.
It was a few minutes after midnight that I woke up with a start, and a familiar form next to me reached out to touch my cheek. "You gave up?" he said softly.
I bit my lip as I watched him. "Trust me, Sei; you'll be happier with Nijimura-san. No matter what she says."
He gave me an unreadable look and his hand stroked along the length of my jaw. Too much, I thought, closing my eyes tightly, almost wishing that the projection would leave. Like this, I felt like he was still dead. Even if, in this lifetime, he was somewhere out there.
"Kōki, look at me."
I opened my eyes slowly. "You should go."
He frowned. "What are you talking about? You're here, aren't you?" He laughed softly when I turned my back on him. "Kōki," he said against my neck, his hand curving possessively over my hip. "I'll never be far."
"I was taking your choices away from you." His eyes were soft when I turned to look at him again.
"What makes you think I wouldn't choose you?"
"Because it doesn't make any sense."
I couldn't breathe when he kissed me; it felt so real. "You never saw yourself clearly."
I blinked away tears and he wasn't there anymore.
When the sun woke me up the next day I got up immediately and gathered my clothes. I probably had just enough money to get a taxi to my mother's house and there was no way she'd turn her son away. This entire ordeal could be put behind me and I could start working at putting a patchworked life back together.
Necessary things in life were unpredictable, though. So as I was walking down the street, keeping my eyes on the road to find a taxi, I was knocked to the ground when someone collided with me. I yelped and caught myself with my hands, wincing as something dug into my palm and probably broke the skin. I blinked at the person in front of me, pain and shock making my vision go blurry before I saw heterochromatic eyes looking at me in confusion.
This had to be some kind of joke.
"I'm sorry, I wasn't looking," Sei said with a slightly amused look on his face. He looked at me closer and frowned. "Do I know you?" he said, putting his head to one side. When I didn't respond other than just gaping at him he got to his feet and offered his hand to me. I tried not to accept it, but it was as if I had no control over my body when I let him help me get up and didn't protest or even move when he flipped my hand over. "You're bleeding," he said.
"I… I have to go."
His hand was a vice around my wrist and he looked at me in confusion again. "It's Furihata, isn't it?" he said suddenly, looking at me as if he was trying to memorise me. Obviously he noticed when I leant forwards slightly. "You were in Seirin's basketball team." I just nodded. "Come with me," he said, still not letting go of my hand.
When the mist thinned enough that I could see around me the woman was looking at me.
"I didn't mean to," I said, covering my face with my hands. "I… I want him to be happy."
"He can be."
I lowered my hands to glare at her. "Why do you even care?"
She smiled, slightly confused and put her head to one side and I just stared at her as little similarities fell into place. Immediately I knew. I didn't know how the truth could have evaded me for so long. After all, when it came to Sei only colours had come from his father. His actual appearance... "You didn't guess?"
"You're his mother."
She nodded.
"So you really do just want him to be happy."
She didn't answer for a minute. "It's different to that. Happiness doesn't really exist beyond being a human construct, after all. Once you die, you're above all that. Above all mourning as well." She crossed her arms. "But still, I know that it's important to the living, and I never stopped loving Seijūrō and wanting the best for him in all circumstances."
I put my hands in my pockets and took a breath. Just one moment to let everything go. "What next?"
She smiled sadly and shook her head as I braced myself.
Braced myself for… a bed. Soft sheets. Familiar walls.
My head span when I sat up, but passed quickly. I was alone, except for the cat at the foot of the bed, who blinked at me slowly before stretching her front paws out in front of her.
"I'll be back in the afternoon, Kōki!"
It came from downstairs, and I heard the front door shut. It roused my mind, and I called out Sei's name before trying to scramble out of the bed, my legs tangled in the sheets, and landed heavily on my shoulder onto the floor. The air had a wildness to it when I looked at the clock. 9:58, the 26th April. I was back in my timeline, if only a couple of weeks before the time I had left. The shooting would happen in half-an-hour.
I felt sick to my stomach, and my entire body trembled as I dove for my phone, narrowly missing hitting my head on the bedside table. My fingers were slipping off the buttons as I dialled Sei's number and cursed when ringing sounded from the other side of the room. Of all the times to forget his phone. I would have to go down in person to stop him. If I knew where he was going.
Kazunari. They were meant to meet up. Kazu was second on speed dial, and I agitatedly ran down the stairs, almost falling over when I misjudged the number and thought there was an extra step at the bottom.
"Kōki?"
"Kazu!"
"You sound… what's wrong?"
"You were going to meet up with Sei this morning, right?"
"Yeah. I had to cancel; Shin-chan's holding me hostage because I have a tiny cold." I could almost see him rolling his eyes and suddenly missed him.
"Where were you going to meet?" I asked, holding the phone to my ear with my shoulder as I struggled to put my jacket on.
"Starbucks. The one near your shop. Why?"
"Oh, nothing. Thank you!" I hung up, shoved the phone into my pocket and raced out of the door. If I ran, it would take me just over fifteen minutes. "Too close," I muttered. Cutting it far too close.
And what if I was too late? I had to see his body again, see him die? I stumbled slightly but regained my footing. If Sei died, no doubt about it, I would let the gunman shoot me too. After all this I couldn't even think about not having him. I'd already destroyed a life when he could have been happy and had a family.
I pushed my legs harder, thankful that being with Sei meant that I still trained almost as hard; he'd hoped that one day I would actually be a challenge to him on a court. Even in my third year as captain it had been Kagami and Kuroko working together which had won us the game and the final championship. I'd been entirely replaceable, even to the point that—even as captain—I almost regretted that we'd won. I'd never seen such an expression on Sei's face. It had only been a few months into our relationship, but I felt certain that the game would be the catalyst for the end of it. Of course it wasn't. Sei had kept his distance for a few days but then turned up on my doorstep and wordlessly stepped into my arms; the first time I'd seen him as something separate from the 'Emperor'. He was just a child with anxieties and six years of responsibilities weighing him down.
I was nearing the street, and a part of me felt the embarrassment when people looked at me oddly. I could see the café, a dark-haired man opened the door and wrapped his hands around a coffee cup to beat the chill which was picking up. There weren't many people that I could see, and certainly no one who I thought could resemble a gunman. Where was the dark billowing cloak and harsh, hateful face? Everyone here was completely normal.
Less than a hundred metres from the café, I saw someone. Definitely no one that I'd thought could be someone so cruel. He couldn't have been more than twenty, and definitely wasn't any taller than me. Except for a wild look in his eye, he could have been anyone, but I would have pegged him for someone who loved reading and had a dog which he adored. A little sister, maybe, who loved shoujo manga and watched the same idol shows that Kazunari was obsessed with. He might have lived in an apartment and paid his way through life working two jobs, one in a restaurant and one in an old-style second-hand bookshop. I built up an entire life for him in my head—better than thinking that how he could have done such a thing—as I saw his face twist and his hand reach into his pocket and pull out the weapon that had indirectly destroyed my life. Sei was walking out of the café, wearing the coat he'd picked out last winter which he always put over my shoulders whenever I shivered if we were out, even if I was already wearing one and the temperature was dropping. His brow was furrowed and he was digging through his pockets—looking for his phone?—as people started noticing what the other man was doing.
Taking Sei's life meant the universe owed me an unrepayable debt, that much was certain, but what I hadn't considered until now, the final moments, was that the universe probably didn't care. It wasn't as if I could take any kind of revenge or demand payment, but the universe could easily demand payment from me. If it couldn't have Sei's blood, it would have to settle for the closest thing.
The collision drove Sei into the wall and he fell to the ground with a sharp sound of surprise as I heard the crack and a pain flared in my chest and radiated to my back.
As Sei called out my name, all I could think was how warm blood was. I hadn't realised just how cold it was getting.
"Kōki," he said. His eyes were wild with pain, even stronger than the pain from the bullet, and as he gently lifted up my head and pushed my clothes to the side to look at the wound I was considering how this was the best solution. He'd had to go through this alone. I'd failed him by not being with him.
Someone shouted that they'd called an ambulance, and I didn't waste energy to tell them that there was no point, that the universe would be getting its pound of flesh one way or another. I didn't want to divert my attention from him, after all.
"Just hold on, Kōki. The ambulance will be here soon," he insisted. He brushed my hair back and pulled me closer. I could feel his pulse; I was pretty sure it was beating in synchrony with my own.
This was definitely changing the future, but pertaining to a dream wherein if one dies, they're dead for real.
"You'll be fine," I said.
Sei's eyes flashed with anger. "Kōki, don't you dare. Don't." He pressed his face into my neck and rocked us, whispering over and over into my skin that he needed me, that he couldn't live without me. I just internally hoped that he would find Nijimura-san and fate would give back what I'd taken from him. I felt my heart rate pick up and my vision started to blur.
"Sei…" My breath caught in my throat as he looked at me. Maybe it was how bright everything was becoming, but I was sure I'd never really seen him until now. His emotions played out in his eyes and I could see his fire and passion and pain which curled him over. I could never have held on to someone so elemental and wild, I thought as he put his forehead on mine. "I'm fine." His arms tightened around me, a barrier against the world. "I feel safe."
I felt nothing but relief that I lost my grip on life before I could feel people take me away from him.
In a lifetime in which I was dead, there wasn't much. Maybe I had expected something, some afterlife when I could talk to the woman, Sei's mother (Ai, her name had been Ai) and tell her every little thing she'd missed about her son now that he was grown up. She could tell me every about everything when he was a child, his laughter, his mannerisms, any tantrums, and I would hold onto the fact that, even dead, I loved him. Fate couldn't have any say in that because I'd chosen to be with him. Maybe I was just kidding myself, but at least this rebellion proved that my mind was my own?
I half expected to be able to hang around after my heart failed. Maybe stick by Sei's side for a few months, lending him a helping hand when I could. A part of me wondered whether his projections when I'd been mourning him had actually been him, rather than particularly strong memories and wishes materialised in my own mind.
Still, I wondered which lifetime Sei would fall into (praying that it would be his life with Nijimura-san).
It felt like an aeon after, but familiar, strangely familiar mist covered my… existence? I didn't have a body any more, and even though I couldn't see I still knew it was there, condensing until it was everything, forming me a makeshift, then real body. I could move it, I was standing in the mist and it was sinking away and leaving me standing. I shifted my weight and flexed my muscles; all there.
"Kōki."
Ai was smiling when I turned and she put her hand on my cheek. "Heaven, now?" I said, wondering how long it would take Sei to get there. Or whether he was already there; wasn't heaven meant to be eternal – outside of time?
"Not entirely," she said. "You still have one more life left, after all."
My first thought was to retort that I wasn't a cat, but I stopped myself. "What?"
She drew her hand back as the mist approached again, and before she could answer I opened my eyes to a room that I recognised. I shot a glance either side of myself, stuck between wanting to call out and being too scared to.
But any thoughts were out of my mind when Sei opened the door and stepped in, starting to say something but breaking off when I ran to him and leapt into his arms, locking my legs around his waist. I'd resigned myself to my fate; to not being with him. Now all I could think about was that he was here. The most simple state someone could be in, but there was no way I wasn't going to savour everything.
"Kōki?" he said, fond and amused. "What on earth are you doing?"
"I… I missed you." I tightened my hands in his hair when he kissed my jaw.
"I've been in the kitchen for five minutes."
"Too long," I mumbled against his neck.
"Kōki—" Even though I interrupted him, he definitely wasn't annoyed when I kissed him. I almost had a hard time breathing with how tightly he was holding me to himself.
"You're staying here today?"
"Now that I've sold the company, of course," he said, looking at me as if I was a bit odd, but still like he loved me.
And then his heart was beating hard and fast against mine in a hypnotising beat that made me dizzy, only added by the mind-blowing fact that our futures were stretching out far in front of us to the distant vanishing point.