A/N: Madgirl has ingested far too much sugar today. Airheads, Nerds, Sour Path Kids, and God KNOWS how many Laffy Taffies. So now she will write her SUSHI, formerly ACHOO, fic. See cuz ALR, the almighty founder of ACHOO, changed the name to SUSHI. Anyway, Madgirl ish writing her challenge entry. It must be about a Mary Sue/Billy-Bob, but must also include:
~Someone has to say, "As you say in America: Neener-Neener-Neeeener!"
~Someone has to say, "But... I don't drink!"
~Someone has to say, "Oh yeah! Who be da Masta Ho now?"
~Someone has to say, "Ain't there no decency left?"
"Ahem. May I have your attention, students?" Harry Potter and Ron Weasley looked up at the sound of Professor Dumbledore's voice. "This year we have a foreign-exchange student from America. Her name is Star Crystal Angel Cutie Sweetie-Pie Rainbow Sunshine Moonbeam Andrews."
"But you can just call me Crystal," said the beautiful, blond, tall girl standing next to Dumbledore. Then she giggled. Every female in the Great Hall would have called it annoying, but the males all found it alluring. Except for the really old professors like Binns and Flitwick, because that'd be nasty.
Ron didn't find it "alluring" either. He found only one girl in the Great Hall alluring-- the one seated next to him, Hermione Granger.
~*~*~*~*~
From the moment he saw her, Harry Potter was in love with Star Crystal Angel Cutie Sweetie- oh, hell, with Crystal, okay? At least he would call it love. Everyone else, like all his friends, and that cute little Ravenclaw girl, Mandy Brocklehurst, who no one ever mentions but who had been in love with Harry ever since she first saw him, would call it stupid hormonal infatuation.
Of course Crystal was sorted into Gryffindor. All the Gryffindors, of course, liked her immediately. Except for Ron, who was too busy trying to figure out if Hermione liked him. And except for Hermione, too, because she was too busy trying to figure out if Ron liked her.
One day in Transfiguration, Crystal asked Harry in a whisper if he wanted to go with her to a Ravenclaw 7th-year party she had been invited to. Lavender was going with Seamus, she said. Harry nodded weakly, enthralled that her mouth was that close to his ear. (A/N: Ew! Barf!)
~*~*~*~*~
Harry felt like an out-of-place 15-year-old at the party. Of course, that was what he was, but whatever. Crystal fit right in, though. Harry wished he could adjust as well as she did.
That was why Harry broke into a sweat when Crystal passed him a bottle of Odgen's Old Firewhiskey. He heard himself squeak out, "But... I don't drink."
What? Why did he say a stupid thing like that? Just because it was true... But Crystal smiled a him as though he were an adorable little puppy. "Oh, come on, Harry. Everybody drinks!"
Harry could remember all those lectures from when he was in Muggle schools. All of the talks about peer pressure. But those talks stopped mattering when he looked into the faces around the room. He took one sip... then another... then another...
When the party was over, Crystal asked Harry back to her room. (Of course, she had her own dorm since she was so perfect.) Brave with the alcohol, he said okay. What they did there is far too nasty and inappropriate to write about.
~*~*~*~*~
From that day on, Harry followed Crystal everywhere. He was, basically, her slave.
And Ron was getting pretty pissed off about it, too! I mean, Harry was his best friend. And then this little Star Crystal Angel Cutie Sweetie-Pie Rainbow Sunshine Moonbeam Andrews ho, and he had no time for hanging out anymore! Ron missed his best homie. Except Ron didn't use the word homie, cuz Ron's English, and English people don't say "homie". They say, like, companion, and stuff.
Anyway.
Ron kept trying to talk to Harry, but no. "Sorry, Ron, I've got to go see Crystal." "Sorry, Ron, I've got to help Crystal with her Potions homework." "Sorry, Ron, Crystal's got a badger plugging up her toilet. I've got to help her dig it out."
And Ron was getting pretty tired of it. He wondered and wondered what to do. One day, it hit him. He tried and tried to think of another way, but there was none. Sometimes, Ron thought, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.
That night, he snuck out of Gryffindor Tower to meet with Voldemort.
~*~*~*~*~
Severus Snape sighed. He was supervising the Hogwarts Fund Raising Committee, and it was boring as hell. Why did Dumbledore stick him with this? Really, it wasn't his fault what happened with Minerva and that gerbil...
Suddenly Severus heard a shriek. He whipped his head around, forcing Neville Longbottom to eat a mouthful of Severus's greasy hair. The shriek had come from that anorexic blonde chick. The foreign-exchange student. "OMG!" she yelled. "I have so got it! We can have, like, a fashion show! We can all be models!"
Ten of the twelve committee members assembled in the broom closet began shrieking. The two males in the room, Neville and Severus, looked less than pleased. Severus tried to think of a convincing reason not to have a fashion show.
But he couldn't.
~*~*~*~*~
A few weeks later...
Ron, who was sitting in the common room, grinned evilly to himself. Tomorrow was the fashion show. Tomorrow, he and Master's plan would be unleashed. Tomorrow, he would have his best friend back.
Tomorrow.
~*~*~*~*~
Ron didn't know it, but he was being watched.
The girl in the doorway's eyes misted over. What was wrong with Ron? He no longer laughed, he no longer smiled. He barely spoke anymore. All he did was sit with that.... crazy look on his face. What was wrong with him?
Hermione Granger shook her head sadly.
~*~*~*~*~
The next day...
Severus Snape was freaking out. Jessica's robe didn't fit. Padma's dress, like, totally clashed with her eyes. And the runway was two inches shorter than it was supposed to be! Like, what was a guy to do?
~*~*~*~*~
Since Crystal was modeling, Harry sat with Hermione at the fashion show. They couldn't find Ron. Not anywhere. Hermione was really worried, but she tried not to show it as she climbed into her seat next to Harry.
"Attention," said Dumbledore, walking to the front of the Great-Hall-turned-theater. "The First Annual Hogwarts Fashion Show is about to begin."
~*~*~*~*~
Hiding in the wings, Ron grinned. It wouldn't be long now.
~*~*~*~*~
Everyone quieted down as Crystal walked on the runway and Snape's magically enhanced voice began describing her, like, totally cute ensemble.
"Coming down the runway is Star Crystal Angel Cutie Sweetie-Pie Rainbow Sunshine Moonbeam Andrews, looking fresh in an outfit from American Hippogriff."(A/N: Get it? American Eagle? American Hippogriff?) "Her royal blue shirt cost--"
"Now, Master!" yelled Ron.
Voldemort, hiding in the back of the Great Hall, fired a blast of blue light at Crystal. "Frizzolamora!" he yelled. When the light hit Crystal, her hair began, like, totally frizzing up!
Ron walked onto the runway, where Crystal had pulled out a brush and was, like, totally trying to stop her hair from going frizzy. "Ha, ha! Now I get my best friend back, and you don't!" he yelled. "Ha, ha! Or as you say in America, neener neener neener!"
Then Ron suddenly passed out.
Hermione, who had been watching these past events with horror, suddenly figured everything out. Ron had been so jealous of Harry and Crystal, he had joined Voldemort in exchange for Crystal's death. Voldemort was hiding in the back of the Great Hall, and he had used the Frizzfrazz curse on Crystal. The Frizzfrazz Curse gave the victim a case of the frizzies so bad that they went insane and died. But Ron's plan had backfired-- his hate was so strong it was literally eating his insides! He would die if Hermione didn't help him soon.
Hermione ran to the runway. She knew there was only one way to save Ron. Bending down, she kissed him on the lips.
Since Hermione really wasn't interested in Ron waking up and murmuring, "Hermione. You saved me," which is what she knew he would do, she turned to Crystal and screamed, "Oh yeah! Who be da Masta Ho now??"
But Crystal didn't answer. She was too busy screaming and going insane.
Everyone else was screaming, too. Voldemort had just eaten a small child.
~*~*~*~*~
Even though mostly everyone was busy being upset about Voldemort, Severus Snape had other things to worry about. They had ruined his show! Like, he had prepared for this! He had even washed his hair? And they, like, did this? How majorly rude!
Severus was so upset that it took nearly all of his strength to mutter, "Ain't there no decency left?"
~*~*~*~*~
Epilogue:
Star Crystal Angel Cutie Sweetie-Pie Rainbow Sunshine Moonbeam Andrews died. Nobody really cared, since she had no real substance or character. Harry went out with that cute Ravenclaw, Mandy Brocklehurst, instead. But she was nice and didn't take all his time like Crystal.
Voldemort died, too. He got food poisoning from the 8-month-old baby he ate. But Ron didn't care.
Because Hermione had saved Ron from evil-ness, and they dated too, and eventually got married.
Snape killed himself because he was so upset about the fashion show.
And Professor McGonagall did eventually dislodge the gerbil from her throat, in case anyone was wondering.
The End