Ulquiorra Schiffer. Quatro Espada. Aizen's obedient dog. The Emotionless Doll.
They all call me a hundred things. I don't care to remember them all. I doubt half of them know my name in the first place.
I don't care. They are trash.
I have emotions. They are fickle and weak, really just a nuisance I can throw to the back of my mind, but they are there. They never bothered me, never interrupted me with need for attention.
Which is why the woman bothered me so much. Inoue Orihime. Aizen's beloved 'caged princess'. Her emotions are on her sleeve. She always cries, then she pleads with me, then she smiles.
Her emotions are in semblance to a twister. Spinning around within her like a cyclone. How she bears it, I will never know.
But then again, I do not care. She is trash.
She is trash, her friends are trash, the Arrancar here are trash. They hold no meaning to me, as they shouldn't. Attachments do not form in this world. It is dog-eat-dog world, as the cliché would go.
The longer she has been here, the more I have begun to… feel. The emotions that are carefully tucked away have begun to froth and churn within me. The anger at her stubborn ignorance. Her friends will not survive. Aizen will not allow it.
The guilt, listening to her cries echo in her empty room, just barely muffled by the door. My cheek still stings; it would every time I looked at her from now on. I wanted to comfort her, for a fleeting moment, before I hardened my resolve and forced myself on.
Before long, I came to be aware I reveled in her bubbly presence. Her charismatic attitude was something I allowed to distract me occasionally during the day. But I was careful, and I did not let her know. I could not let anyone know.
No one could know.
I still didn't comprehend this 'heart' nonsense. Have unified feelings? To have one heart? That didn't make sense. If I could only see it, touch it with my hands, I would be able to understand.
I want to understand, can't you see?
No, you can't. I've became too good at hiding behind this mask of mine. It's a self-defense mechanism I cannot break for anyone.
Not even you.
Your shinigami friend doesn't understand it, does he? The feelings you hold so dear to your heart for him. It's pathetic, really. Watching that love go to waste.
Why can't I say it…
I can show him despair; I can show you all despair. It is easy, it is second nature. Something simple, despair. It has a form, a figure I can show to you. That form is myself.
Why can't I say it…?
The shinigami will win. I know. I understand now. Though he may never realize it, that you love him, that you still hold your 'heart' to him. I am a monster who nearly killed him just now. I don't deserve your feelings. I don't deserve your tears.
Why can't I say it?
I have hardly ever felt pain before. I am somewhat grateful to your Quincy friend for stopping the shinigami before he killed me off. I got another chance to see your face…
Why can't I say it?!
I'm turning into ash now. I've saved you, and, coincidentally, the Quincy. We're even now, I suppose. I want him to kill me, to give me some semblance of peace, but he won't. Of course he won't. I don't understand that shinigami, and I never will. I will never have the time to even try.
"In the end, I came to find you all a little interesting."
You're looking at me with those big, sad eyes. You look regretful and I don't have the time to ask why. I don't have the strength. But I reach my hand out to you anyway.
Please… show me what a heart is… I'm pleading with you. I want so desperately to know…
"Are you afraid of me, woman?" I question. There is so much more I want to ask. Tears fill your eyes and I fear I have done something to upset you.
"No, I'm not." You do not fear me. You don't know how relieved I am in that moment. But I don't have the time to tell you that. Just as you reach for me, something unprecedented, something I didn't think you would do, I watch myself turn to ash.
It's sad. I was so close. We were so close… I watched the tears fall down your face and in that moment I realize what the 'heart' really is. I want to smile, but I cannot. For this regret, anchored with the weight of my guilt, will not let me. I regret many things, but only one hurts more than all the rest.
Why can't I tell you I love you?
A/N: Well, this is a little Ulquihime fanfic I wrote up at about one in the morning last night. So my apologies if it is bad, or there are any mistakes. Muse picks the strangest of moments to tickle my mind, doesn't it?
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