Disclaimer: I don't own American Pie.
Author's note: This is set about two years after American Wedding.
Stifler of the other path
Hi, everyone!
My name's Ashley Rose Stifler. Yes, that's right, I'm a female Stifler. Though unlike most of my family I'm not a sex-freak. I've always been a good young lady. Two days from now I turn 36. A few members of my family are gonna come here to spend the week with me. Unfortunately that includes my annoying perverted cousin Steve Stifler.
Steve and me has never got along whatsoever, since he is crazy, perverted and egocentric, while I'm friendly, calm and sophisticated.
Oh no! That's Steve's car out there. Damn it, he's here already...
Guess I can't pretend there's nobody home. He has to have seen my car outside so he know I'm home.
"Hi, Ash! What's up?" says Steve with that annoying voice of his as I open the door and let him in.
"Nothing special. Just waitin' for people to show up. Too bad you're the first one to arrive. I'm surprised. You're always late." says I with a cold hard tone.
"Ya gotta do things right at least once, Ash. Be happy I'm here at all. I was gonna go to Canada to hook up with slutty women, but came here instead." says Steve.
Sweet mother of God! Steve hasn't changed much over the years. Doesn't the dude ever learn...?
Thank God I don't see the freak very often these days.
"I don't understand why I asked you to come, Steve." says I, trying to sound friendly.
"Neither do I...and call me Stifler, not Steve. I hate it." says Steve as he grab his bags and push me out of the way and walk upstairs to one of the guest-rooms.
"Hey, watch where you're goin' ya freak!" says I out loud. I don't wanna speak like that, but Steve make so mad.
"Eat crap, Ash!" says Steve.
Later that night none of the other people I invited are here yet, so Steve and I have dinner alone.
"So...pasta with chili-chicken, pepper sauce and garlic-bread. Enjoy!" says I with a small smile as I place the food on the table.
"No beer or wine?" says Steve with a deep manly voice.
"Of course not! I'm a teetotaler, Steve. I've only had one beer ever and that was when I was 19 years old and went to this pub with my friends. You're my cousin so you should know that I don't drink any alcohol." says I, trying not to get angry.
"Don't you even drink a glass of wine for special occasions, ya know like birthdays, anniversaries and such...?" says Steve surprised.
"No." says I in a hard, but mature tone.
"Really?" says Steve, as he look at me like I was some sort of freak.
"Yes. Now eat and shut up, please." says I.
We eat in silence, but I can see that Steve enjoy my cooking, even though he try to hide it.
After the dinner I decide to ask Steve some questions. "So...are Matt, Erik, Scott and Dwight comin' here too?" I ask.
"No, I don't think so. Matt's in Spain. Erik moved to the Gold Coast in Australia to become a surfing-teacher. Dwight's in jail and Scott was killed by marauders last year while on vacation in Egypt." says Steve.
"So, Dwight's in jail, huh? Maybe that's where you belong too, Steve..." says I with a smirk.
"No funny!" says Steve with an evil look in his eyes.
"Maybe not..." says I with a casual tone.
"Even if Scott's dead, Matt, Dwight and me can maintain the legend of the Stifler-name. Erik is alive too, but he's no real Stifler." says Steve.
"You guys only have one thing in mind. Why don't you see that sex isn't everything?" says I.
"I don't take any advice from you, Ash." says Steve.
"Okey, if you say so." says I with a mature calm tone, showing my sophisticated side. "If you don't want to listen, that's your choice, Steve."
"See ya later, Ash!" says Steve as he grab his wallet and head for the door.
"Where are you going?" says I.
"To the pub. I need a drink." says Steve as he walk out through the door.
Oh my gosh, he's never gonna change his personality, is he?
I can't believe I'm from the same family as that freak.
The next morning a car arrive outside my house. It's Matt, Steve's younger brother.
"Hi, bro!" says Matt to Steve as he enter the house.
"I thought you were in Spain..." says Steve.
"I came back early so I could be at Ashley's birthday-party." says Matt.
"Matt, so you're here after all, huh?" says I as I come downstairs and see Matt.
"Hi, Ash! You look sexy today." says Matt.
"Don't even try!" says I.
I look at myself. I forgot that I'm only wearing a tank top and my panties.
"Could ya give me a lapdance, Ash?" says Matt with a wink.
"No!" says I as walk back upstairs to put on some better clothes.
"Is she always like that?" says Matt to Steve.
"Pretty much, yes." says Steve.
"Too bad she's our cousin, otherwise I'd bang her." says Matt.
"You know she hate sex, right?" says Steve.
"Ya can't blame me for trying, bro." says Matt.
My cousins are such losers. I wish I had some good sophisticated relatives. Am I the only one in this family with some class and good manners? Guess so...
Later the same day I find Steve and Matt asleep and drunk on the couch in my living room.
"Steve! Matt! Wake up and clean away this damn mess!" scream I loud and clear.
"Ash, why are ya screamin' like that...?" says Steve.
"I don't want the two of you to get drunk in my house and don't call me Ash, it's Ashley." says I.
"Relax, it's not as bad as it seem..." says Matt.
"I'm goin' to the store to buy some things for the birthday-party and when I come back I don't wanna see all these empty beer-bottles on the floor anymore." says I as I walk out to my car.
"Guess we gotta clean up or she'll throw us out of her house, man." says Steve to Matt.
"Okey..." says Matt.
Steve and Matt slowly begin to clean the room.
When I come back home I'm totally surprised to see that Steve and Matt has actually cleaned my living room.
"Not bad." I simply say before I walk into my home-office to catch up on some work.
The next day at my birthday-party all my friends are there, including my best friend Emma May Kelly and my boyfriend Shawn DiMera.
I'm wearing a beautiful dark-purple dress. Of course Steve and Matt hasn't dressed up for the party. They are just wearing t-shirt and jeans.
"Can't they at least wear something a bit more sophisticated than that...?" I think to myself. "Such losers!"
"Wanna dance, Ashley?" says my boyfriend as he walk up to me.
"I'd love to, Shawn!" says I with a soft girly voice.
Shawn and I dance to the soft calm music playing on the stereo.
"Steve, who's that guy?" says Matt about Shawn.
"Ash's boyfriend I guess..." says Steve.
"Man, he's so fuckin' ugly!" says Matt.
Of course Steve and Matt hate my boyfriend. Can't say I'm surprised. They have really bad taste in everything.
Fortunately the party goes well, even with Steve and Matt around.
Shawn gives me an antique silver necklace as birthday-gift. Emma gives me a guitar and Steve and Matt of course doesn't give me anything.
The next day Steve and Matt leave. Good that they don't stay longer. Both are such freaks.