This is my first Supernatural fiction that I've made public. I tend to mix canon with AU so keep that in mind. I also take liberties with the existing timeline, so I know some things will seem off...but that's how it had to be. I hope you all enjoy!

"I just want you to know who I am…" Iris by Goo Goo Dolls

My belief in heaven and hell was blurred with no real definition. I'd wandered numb with revenge and blood on my hands. I was a hunter, one of the few women that survived the damn job. My mother had been less than brave and skipped out the first chance she'd had. My Grandfather raised me on swear words, cigarettes and fried foods. I was a complete nightmare on the path to a jobless future. All that changed one exceptionally warm spring day in a back alley town in Indiana. My nerves were bad and my lip was busted. Two brothers found me, took me back to their cheap motel room and an angel, servant of the God I didn't believe in healed me. His approach was abrasive, much like Dean, the older of the two brothers. They wanted to know what happened to me and I wanted to know why they had an angel available on a whim.

"Sam, over here!" The shorter of the two men called out to the other. I couldn't see their faces clearly because I'd just been given a headache and a split lip by some demon bitch. "She's fading, man. Grab her and let's go."

The one called Sam carried me to their car and put me gently in the back seat. I was far too exhausted to fight them or even open my mouth to say something. My Grandfather had turned up dead just two weeks earlier and I was fresh out of reasons not to go after the sick bastard that did it. That's how I ended up in the alley.

I floated in and out of consciousness but I could still hear the two men in the front seat talking in hushed tones. The tires rumbled underneath my body, droning on until I feel asleep. When I woke, I was lying on an extremely uncomfortable bed on my side. There was a single light on behind me and I could see a shadow, moving against the far wall. The urge to spin around and demand to know where I was and why was churning in my stomach but I resisted. There was a slight sense of peace in the air despite my desperation to just melt into the cheap bedspread and join my Grandfather; wherever it was he'd gone when he was killed.

"I know you're frightened, Eliza." A gravelly voice erupted from behind me and I assumed that the shadow I'd been staring at on the wall belonged to the same person.

I remained silent, my act of defiance. Yet, he continued.

"You being here is no coincidence and we mean you no harm." I could hear him behind me yet I didn't hear his approach. "Will you allow me to heal your wounds?"

Everything I'd believed or hadn't believed was turned on its ass that day. My entire life was ripped up by the roots and it was up to me how to begin again. Sam and Dean were hunters, much like me. I knew about the seals and about Lucifer. I wasn't as good as them though I tried. All of that changed with the presence of Castiel.

Sam and Dean Winchester left Indiana behind which I was expecting. What I didn't expect was waking one morning to find Castiel standing idle in my living room. That first visit set into motion events that I'll only speak of one time. Things happened to me and between us that will always be special. He showed me life and I showed him love.

Falling in love for the first time is like taking a leap of faith; a jump from a tall cliff without being able to see the bottom. Euphoria sets in and your heart beats at a rapid pace. Your sweat glands work overtime. The color in your cheeks appears and you look alive. I loved Castiel but our love was not typical first love. I could feel him in my bones, in my soul. It happened quickly and we never discussed the prospect. We would spend what little time there usually was together, sometimes in silence.

I will never forget the moment of recognition; the moment we both realized that he and I were one.

We stood side by side, staring lazily at the moon hung low in the sky. My breathing was calm, my chest rising and falling with each necessary breath. "There's so much I don't understand about this world."

Castiel turned his gaze toward me, stoic as always. "You are not meant to know everything, Eliza."

"Will you tell me why you keep coming back, Cas? Am I going to die?"

"All humans expire."

"Is that a yes or no?" Sometimes his blunt delivery rubbed me the wrong way. "You may walk around in some guy's body, mingling with the humans but you aren't anything like us."

His face was curious as he turned and grabbed me by both shoulders. "Do you know what it's like to rebel against your nature? To cast aside everything that you are meant for and place hope in two humans?"

"This is about Sam and Dean, Cass? Last time I checked, you're here with me and they are somewhere else, doing whatever it is they do." My skin was throbbing where his hands were pressing too hard.

"Being here is wrong. These…feelings are not in my nature but I feel them and I act on them. That's why I am here and not with Sam and Dean."

We stared back and forth for what felt like an eternity. An incessant ringing from Castiel's pocket broke the spell we were under yet, he didn't answer. "It's the only way I can find Sam and Dean," he admitted in response to my questioning gaze.

"I wish you wouldn't leave."

His face contorted, finally showing some sort of reaction. "You can't ask me to do that, Eliza. I can't stay here while the world is falling apart and there's chaos in heaven."

"Don't you long for something that's real, Cas?" I grabbed his hand and pressed it against my chest. My heart beat rapidly just like it always did when he was near me.

He frowned and looked away. "This can't be. It doesn't matter how you feel or how I feel. This cannot be."

I was in love with someone I could never have. It was a punishment I inflicted on myself daily. Still, I held tight to my faith while Castiel's faltered. I filled his ears with words of love and encouragement every visit he paid me. I'd wake to find him in my house and I would pull him to sit alongside me on the bed. I would tell him about my childhood though he knew all about me already. Sometimes he would caress my face softly as if he wanted to kiss me though he never did. Physical love was not possible in his eyes. He didn't love on the same plane that I did. It didn't stop me from trying.

"One day you'll see. You'll open your eyes wherever you are and realize that I loved you so completely and severely. You will regret not telling me how you feel."

His eyes began to water and the hope that I'd finally gotten through to him was back. Then…he was gone.

"Damn it!" I cried, looking upward. I kicked at loose stones in anger. "You'll be back! You can't leave me forever, Castiel!"

He stayed away for three weeks. My emotions were at an all time high and I was constantly on edge. The thought of losing him so suddenly and without resolution was almost too much to handle. I'd given up hunting, taken a regular job and put myself on the straight and narrow for him…all for him.

One morning, almost a month after I'd last seen him, I received a call from Dean Winchester.

"Can you get away?" He asked as soon as I answered the phone.

"Dean is that you?"

"Yeah, of course it's me. Listen, I'm not into this whole angel and human thing you've got going on with Cas but-"

"Dean! Just tell me what the hell you want!"

"He needs you Eliza. He's laid up in some hospital with no money and well I'm busy kicking apocalypse ass and takin names."

I grabbed a piece of paper and my eyeliner because I couldn't find a pen. "Give me the address."

It didn't matter that I drove for two days on money that was supposed to be for my rent and it didn't matter that Castiel hadn't called me at all. Loyalty was all I had left as a weapon to break down his walls. When I reached the hospital, he was still there. I stood in the open doorway and watched him while he slept. Last I checked, angels didn't sleep. He looked peaceful yet I couldn't pry myself from my spot in the doorway.

My clothes were wrinkled and my hair was a mess. I still looked better than Castiel. His face was bruised in several places, his lip busted and there were faint bags under his eyes. Eyes that opened when I finally built the courage to move closer. They were bloodshot but happy to see me none the less, I could tell.

"Dean called you." It was more a statement than anything.

I nodded, biting my nails.

He looked toward the window. "I'm human."

My heart skipped a beat. "Wha…what?" I laughed nervously. "You're human?"

"I don't know how or why but yes, I'm human and I'm starving."

There was no stopping the tears that flooded my face and frankly I didn't care. I'd missed his company. I was half laughing and crying when I realized that he needed me just as much as I needed him. "Let's get you out of here," I said, pressing my lips to his forehead.

I gave the hospital my credit card to cover what I could of the bill and signed him out of his room. He leaned on me for support as he limped down the hall in his torn clothes and a beard that had been growing for at least two days. He didn't smell so great but nothing could ruin my moment. He was human and even though it was against my instincts I wouldn't investigate the reason why until after we'd had a chance to talk.

There was a motel on the highway where I checked us in and left Cas to shower while I found him something decent to wear. Because he'd said he was starving I stopped at a small burger place and picked us up some early dinner. I'd never seen him eat a thing. The possibilities excited me.

He was sitting on the bed in a towel when I finally walked through the motel door once again. My heart ached at the sight of him. He looked lost but I would do everything I could to help him.

"Are you all right?" I asked, handing him the clothes I'd bought.

"I'll be fine."

I unwrapped the food and set it out on the cheap laminate table that had come with our room. "I have no idea what you'll like but I got a couple different things just in case."

Castiel's hand came to rest on mine, stopping my progress in opening his dinner. I looked up to him, seeing appreciation in his gaze. "Thank you, Eliza."

"You're welcome." I looked away, overwhelmed with emotion.

"You have been dedicated to me, even though I left."

The anger was back as I thought about the weeks I spent agonizing over him. "What now, Cas?" I asked. My sudden anger surprised him.

"You are upset with me, I understand that."

"Upset? Fuck, Cas…you have no idea how much I love you. I have always been yours even though you couldn't and wouldn't have me. When Dean called I didn't think twice about coming to help."

"And yet here you are still." There was a slight glint to his eyes.

I sighed, which sounded more like a groan in the end. "Sit down and eat, your food is getting cold."

He devoured both burgers and an order of fries, not to mention half a cup of soda. I found joy in watching him discover how things tasted and felt as he held them in his hands. We were both silent the entire time. Eventually my lids begin to feel heavy. I'd had very little sleep during my impromptu road trip. Without a word I left Castiel at the table and crawled into bed, clothes and all.

Sometime in the middle of the night, though I'm not sure exactly what time, I woke. I opened my eyes and was immediately staring right into Cass'. I gasped in surprise and startled him.

"I didn't mean to wake you," he apologized. "There's something I want to say."

I stretched my limbs before nodding my approval. "I'm awake now, what's going on?"

"I don't understand the feelings I'm having. I want to act on them but how is the mystery here.

"OK then. Describe your feelings and I'll tell you how a human would normally react." I laughed, highly amused at his predicament.

"Showing you what I mean would be easier."

I chuckled, not taking him seriously. "Sure, go for it."

Before I knew what was happening he had his mouth pressed against mine. He kissed me like it was our last day on earth and for him that was quite possible. When I pulled away from him he was breathing hard. There a satisfied and shocked look on his face.

"I'm definitely human," he murmured.

"That was the best kiss I've ever had." I looked him right in the eye and smiled easily. "I didn't know it was possible to love you more than I did before."

I kissed him again, but with fervor. All the pent up frustration and emotion was slowly unraveling and spilling from me through my actions. I took handfuls of his shirt in one fist and hair in the other. Our breaths were staggered and we were quickly losing control. Then his phone rang.

"I have to answer it," Castiel said as he pulled free of my grasp.

"Yeah, of course."

"Hello Dean," he answered as if we weren't making out like animals two seconds earlier.

"Where are you?" I heard Dean's voice through the phone's earpiece.

"I'm with Eliza. We were just about to give in to the carnal sins of man."

I sighed and fell backwards on the bed.

"Dude, you're about to give Eliza the heavenly treatment? Cas, man I didn't know you had it in ya."

"I can hear you Dean!" I called in frustration. I could imagine the pair of them cackling like old women wherever they were.

Castiel glanced at me before stepping outside to finish his phone call. I knew how things would go after. Dean would insist on coming to get him because I had no place in the fight they were gearing up for. The Apocalypse was over my head as far as the Winchester's were concerned. There was one advantage to Castiel's position; he was always honest with me.

"We have to go," he said, stepping back into the room.

"Where are we going?" I threw the tangled sheets off my legs and stood.

"Dean and Sam need me."

"And they're coming to get you right?"

Castiel shook his head. "No. I insisted you take me."

My jaw hit the floor in such a clichéd move…I was shocked. I checked the clock on the bedside table; it was past three in the morning. Not that time meant anything to angels or hunters.

"Well," I said still in a daze from the events of the evening. "We'd better get going."

I drove my car in silence, reliving the heated moments I'd shared with my angel just hours before. He was quiet next to me in the passenger seat though he wasn't asleep. My mind wandered as the white lines of the highway flickered past.

"I'm Dean and this is Sam…that's Castiel." Dean pointed to the man in a trench coat, the angel that I'd just let heal me. "Look, we need to know how you ended up in that alley. We think..." he hesitated, "that you're after the same demon bitch we are."

My mouth turned down into a frown. "She killed my Grandfather, he was all I had." I watched as recognition washed over their faces.

"It's Lilith," Sam said with a frown that rivaled my own. "Was your Grandfather a hunter?" He asked me directly.

I nodded slowly. "He wasn't the best person but he took care of me and taught me everything I know."

"We don't run into many women in this…business." Sam's face eased into a friendly smile.

"I was in the wrong place, wrong time today. I should have known better." I hung my head in shame, I'd been taught better.

"Listen, Lilith is a nasty one. You did what you could and now Sammy and I will do the rest." Dean pulled on his jacket and tucked his phone back into his pocket. "Stay here with Cas, you'll be fine."

Then they were gone and I was left with the socially awkward angel. His gaze was intense.

"Cas, remember that first night…that night you healed me?" I could see him nod slightly from the corner of my eye. "You were the one who sent the boys to me, weren't you?"

"How did you come to that conclusion?"

"Come on, Dean and Sam just happened to be in the same town and in the same area that day. You just happened to be there to heal me? I'm not an idiot."

Castiel exhaled and turned to look through the window. "Eliza, you ask too many questions."

I laughed even though his answer frustrated me. "At least tell me what I'm getting into. Can you at least give me that much?"

"There are dangers in knowing too much."

I gripped the steering wheel tighter, trying to hold my temper. "Are we really back to this?"

"This is my fault. I've given you far too much reason to hope."

I pulled the car off the road and onto the shoulder. "Hope for what, Castiel?" I turned toward him, tears in my eyes. "That you'd actually come out and say you love me? That we could ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after?" I growled and threw the door open.

Castiel followed me as I stormed away from the car, off into the grass.

"I know we can't be together, OK? I know that! You're an angel and I'm a hunter…let's face it, our days are numbered whether we like it or not. But…" I turned and glared at him. "There is no reason we can't love each other."

Cas looked toward the ground, clearly uncomfortable with the situation. "I have taken notice of all the things you have done for me."

"I tried to live a normal life for you…just like you asked. I sacrificed, which is what you do for the people you love."

The statement elicited a genuine reaction from the angel and it shocked me. "I was selfish! I let these human emotions infiltrate my knowledge of what is right and what is wrong. I should not have done what I did but all I can do is hope for forgiveness from my father. Perhaps that is why I'm now void of my abilities."

My mind was racing at the revelations. He'd been hiding something from me all along which I halfway suspected considering who I was dealing with. "What do you know, Cas?" I balled my hands into fists out of anger.

"We have somewhere to be."

I'd lost the moment. Once Castiel shut down it was like squeezing blood from a turnip, impossible, to get any sort of response. I sighed heavily and walked past him, shaking my head the whole way. There was heavy silence the rest of our car ride together.

Castiel and I met up with the Winchester brothers in the morning after the sun had risen. Dean and Castiel separated from the group and disappeared, leaving me with Sam. I didn't know either guy well enough to call them friends. Most of what I knew was through Cas so I couldn't help but feel slightly anxious in the presence of a very tall, almost stranger.

"It's good to see you again, Eliza," Sam said with the same easy smile he'd given me the night I first met them. "How've you been?"

I scraped the toe of my tennis shoe against the concrete. "I've been all right I guess, though I've probably been fired from my job by now."

"You aren't hunting anymore?" He looked confused. "Castiel never mentioned that. Do you uh, do you need to get home or something?"

"No…I'm already here anyway." I smiled up at him, trying to break the icy exterior that I'd been collecting since the moment on the side of the road with Cas. "So, do they always disappear like that?" I motioned toward the returning figures of the angel and Dean.

"Yeah," Sam laughed. "Something tells me I'm not heaven's favorite."

"Really? Why's that?"

Sam rubbed the back of his neck uncomfortably. "Well…it's a long story."

"Is it because you're Lucifer's vessel?" I knew about the deal with Dean and Sam and the end of the world.

Sam nodded wordlessly. "Among other things."

In a move unlike myself I put my hand on his arm and squeezed. "Hey, shit happens. Right? We're all just walking brains with too many secrets and regrets."

"Eliza, Dean and I need to speak with you." Castiel called to me from the doorway of their hotel room.

I glanced back at Sam as turned to enter the room. His face was strained and I wondered just how many secrets I'd been left out of and if I'd just gotten myself into a whole shit load of trouble.