A/N: I had thought to post another story that I had been further along with but this one get rattling around refusing to be put on hold. I hope I can keep up with regular updates. My other story from long, long ago I am posting on my website if anyone is interested. It is being refurbished as it was one of my first attempts to give Erik some happiness. If you do visit please leave me some feedback.
Summary: Erik has lost all that had ever meant anything to him. As a broken man he must find his way without the love of his life, the keeper of his soul. For Erik the loss of Christine seemed to be the end of any hope to find that one person who could give him back his humanity.
Sometimes a piece of a puzzle seems to fit just so but the piece will not fall into place as it should. What seemed a perfect fit soon becomes a search for the piece that will fill that void.
Neither one expected to find love. A shared journey through acceptance, friendship, love and passion. They will find one another when they expected little from life.
Hearts Will Go On
By Hot4Gerry
Chapter One
Running From Memories
Erik had been traveling for almost a year trying to outrun his memories. To stay in one place for too long soon had despair seeping into his very bones it seemed. He filled every moment with music until the notes collided into a churning cauldron of chaos. Everything he composed seemed seeped in misery, melancholy and despair. He could see not even a glimmer of light ahead of him.
Nothing he composed had the least bit of sentiment or soft notes to seduce. Everything that flowed from his mind, hand, fingers and pen sounded as if filled with deep dark tortuous emotions. To listen to those notes he played for any length of time would drive a sane man insane or into the deepest darkest recesses of the mind.
Erik had always teetered on the edge of insanity. His obsession with Christine and failure to win her had driven him over the edge. He had lost every bit of control on the dark forces that always lurked just underneath the surface. In his madness he had committed crimes no man should perpetrate against another human being. Erik had been unable to see anyone's view of things other than his own. What he wanted had been paramount to anything else.
When he had begun to take an interest in Christine as a student he could at last give his music to someone who would give it to the world. Erik had thought at last he had an instrument to give the world all the beauty within his soul. If he could let that light spread out into the world would not at least one ray of it reflect back at him? For so long Erik had longed to be a part of the world that was lived in the light. Darkness had been his domain for as long as he could remember.
His possessive obsession had led him to commit all those heinous deeds in the name of love. Love fueled by such cancerous intentions could not survive in the world where love needed nurturing rather than force to command the return of one's affections.
Erik had so little experience interacting with people in a face to face situation. His life at L'Opéra Populaire had been one of letters and notes he had Madame Giry convey to whatever manager had been at his opera house at any given time. Over the years Erik could now see he had become somewhat of a despot. He demanded everyone do his bidding or there would be hell to pay.
He had not even seen how he had misused his one true friend Madame Giry. The proof of his complete separation from anyone could be found in the fact that Erik had never called his savior by her given name, Antoinette. To have done that would have been a silent admission that he thought of her as someone close to him, someone who mattered, a person he could lose. Erik had not been able to trust that Madame would always be there or even remain loyal to him. Everyone in his life had betrayed him in one way or another.
Protection of his heart had been Erik's priority over the years, at least that had been true until Christine had entered his life. Erik had learned to guard his human tendency to show compassion or caring from his earliest days. When Christine had come to the opera house a weeping lost child Erik had found a small ember glowing to warm all those colder places his own heartache had created. Some spark of human kindness must have remained deep within him just waiting for something to bring the ember to a raging fire.
Madame Giry, then a young ballerina had released him from the cage even after witnessing Erik strangling his master, for that had been what Javart had been, his master. Erik had not protested when she had opened the metal door then grabbing him by the hand to lead him to L'Opéra Populaire. Shock had kept him from behaving as the wild animal he had been made to portray over the years. When he did not adhere to Javart's wishes for a hellish demon Erik would be beaten with a whip. At times he had been beaten regardless of his performance.
Only later had Erik been leery of coming too close to the girl who had given him his freedom. No one had ever shown Erik any kindness up to that point. His own mother had become a shadowy memory over time. The only clear thought of her was that she had hated and feared him.
It had taken Madame Giry quite some time to win his trust. Once Erik had found his niche in the opera house it had been he who had done the betraying. He had repaid Madame's kindness by forcing her to do his bidding. He had seen nothing untoward in the arrangement for all those years. It would not have mattered to him at that time if he had seen how he used his savior's devotion to him. Erik could only see what he wished to see. His wants and needs had come before everyone else's.
With time his innocent caretaking of Christine had changed as she had changed. Erik could see now that it had been inevitable for him to give his heart to Christine. He could also see and understand that it had been a doomed hope of his own to win her. He had been far too old for her to begin with. Although older in years his experience of the world in any normal capacity had been limited to those horrid years of enforced imprisonment in a cage. The gypsy fair had been his private hell for over six years. Erik knew rationally that he had been ill-prepared to love anyone or show that emotion as it should be by lovers.
Now with distance and time Erik had begun to think more clearly. His love for Christine had not lessoned nor his longing to be with her again any less a searing painful need within him. It could never be and Erik had come to finally accept that reality. The hurt had not as of yet dissipated but he hoped with time he could at least bury it deeper in his mind and heart. He could fill those now emty places in his heart that used to belong to Christine.
Erik could even admit that Raoul had done nothing any other man who loved someone would do. If Erik had been in a position to court Christine in the correct manner he would have done so. Much to his regret Erik had only driven Christine further from him by instilling fear of him within her. Too late he had realized that not everything could be gained from force. Love could not be forced; it had to be earned and nurtured. He had done nothing to earn Christine's love.
Letters from Madame, or rather Antoinette as she now insisted he address her, came every month giving Erik all the news from Paris. Much of it distressed Erik. Antoinette assured him that she, Meg and Christine were fine. Raoul too fared well. Erik had been pleased that he had not gone into one of his rages just reading Raoul's name.
Upon deciding to leave Paris Erik had been confronted with the painful reminder that he had no last name, none that he had ever heard before anyway. Many names had been considered then rejected. At last Erik Dante had come to him. It had a nice ring to it and he had always liked the play Dante's Inferno as well as the operatic adaptation.
Erik had traveled extensively before coming to settle in of all places on American soil. He had wanted to be some place that held no memories for him or little chance of hearing about Christine and Raoul. He may have accepted how things were but he did not feel the need to have his face rubbed in their happiness at every turn. England had not been far enough away as news of the happy couple had found its way into the London papers along with the stories of the mysterious Opera Ghost and Phantom of the Opera. An all too vivid description of him had been given to inquisitive reporters as well as an artist's rendering of him wearing the costume from Don Juan Triumphant.
It had taken Erik a few weeks to render his final decision where he would make his next home. An article in the paper about the American political arena had caught his attention. It mattered little where he lived as long as he had plenty of space and privacy. He went among people now but that did not mean he found it any less dangerous or even comfortable. The article had gone into detail about the American's growth potential in the next few years based on the past hundred years or so. The western frontier had hardly been touched by white men as of yet.
Erik had booked his passage in short order. He had arranged for all of his funds to be transferred to the Bank of New York so that once he arrived he could have access to the money he would need to acquire a home and property.
Once in New York Erik had wanted to leave within a few days. There were far too many people. He needed the wide open spaces. A chanced overheard conversation between two men had given him his answer of where he would travel to next. They had been discussing horses. The sale of them as well as breeding them. They had also been speaking of government contracts for horses for the cavalry as well as the pulling of wagons. The sport of racing seemed to be increasing not only with the wealthy but with the common man as well.
The only horses Erik had even had any contact with had been the ones in the opera house stables. He had found he had an affinity with animals. Every once in a while he would take one of the animals out for a midnight run. Both he and the horse had felt exhilarated. Those animals rarely left their stalls just as Erik had rarely left the prison of the cage at the fair or the prison of the opera house walls and catacombs.
Looking into the situation Erik had made inquiries and found the perfect place. A tract of land, some five hundred acres had come on the market. It had already been set up as a horse farm primarily with cattle being the second commodity. It was located near the small mountain town of Tyler's Crossing. It wasn't large by New York standards but large for a town far from any major city. Lexington was some one hundred miles away. The good news had been that the railroad ran directly through the town which would account for its recent growth. Trains ran through twice a day. Coal mining had become a booming business in the once small mountain community but industry had brought about growth not only in prosperity but human numbers as well, a somewhat uneven scale with men out-numbering the men by a wide margin.
The men went on to discuss the growth of the town. It would seem that they were sent east to encourage women to travel to Kentucky with marriage being their objective. The town had some 400 men with only 50 women. Most of those were married and the others were far too young to consider that prospect. The mayor wanted women to come so the younger generation would want to stay. The town had potential to become quite prosperous if they could manage to keep those men from moving on to greener pastures. With land opening up out west the younger ones began to have itchy feet. Even the older ones seemed willing to pull up stakes and head out.
The latter part of the conversation had not interested Erik nearly as much as the first part. Erik imagined himself becoming one of the top breeders in the state. He envisioned himself becoming a person who demanded respect from his peers. A man's worth nearly always had been measured by the success with business and family. Since Erik would never have a family he would have success in business. He did not need the money but craved the acceptance and respect his success would bring to him.
Erik had bought that piece of property sight unseen. To his dismay the house had been little more than a few rotting boards ready to fall during the next high wind. The barns had been in much better condition. The well had been uncontaminated even though it had been unused for quite some time. The man who had owned the property had been left alone when his wife of some twenty-five years ran off with some drummer peddling his wares. The spring fed pond had been stocked with several species of fish which Erik thought might leaned him some interesting moments learning to fish.
The windmill had worked after only a few minor repairs. It now pumped water into a huge tub used to water the horses and cattle. Erik himself had put in a line to carry water to the home he had built. Erik had built ten rooms being in an optimistic frame of mind the day he drew the plans for his new abode.
When Erik had finished building his home he had stood at the bottom of the hill looking up. He could see all too clearly sled's racing down that hill with as yet unknown riders. as hard as he tried to sqaush the idea it would not leave him. He would not let himself acknowledge it had not only been the fact that when heavy rains came the house would fair better on the hill rather than the valley below. He had imagined racing down that hill with some faceless woman while laughter from numerous faceless children echoed through the valley the bounced off the mountains surrounding his property.
Nothing in the house could be considered overly opulent but Erik had not stinted on buying the best quality in furnishings. The master bedchamber had its own bathroom, sitting room as well as access to the upper veranda. The three other bedrooms shared a bath for now. Later others could be added in each individual room. The spaciousness of the rooms as well as the number mocked Erik which he did his best to ignore.
He had made a large kitchen with a smaller summer kitchen just off the back of the house. If there had been a woman in the house she might use the summer kitchen to can the fruits and vegetables Erik had grown. Would it not be wonderful to open a jar of preserves or jam made for him with a woman's loving hands? He had built a large dining room with a smaller less formal area next to the kitchen. He had installed dumbwaiters to make serving food upstairs for those who would want to linger in bed an easier prospect.
Several men had hired on to help Erik get everything into shape. Those young men wanted to earn money so they could buy themselves some land. Women were coming and they wished to be able to offer something more than a room in Miss Odell's rooming house. Building new establishments and businesses had kept everyone employed. The train track coming through had made the demand for restaurants and hotels mandatory. The telegraph had even been installed all along the railroad. Communicating with loved ones back east had given the ladies a sence of security. New shops catering to women and their needs had also been a lure to keep those women they did have happy.
Erik had offered his services gratis to design and help build the school. Offers for employment had been coming in as the school building had taken shape. He had even accepted a few commissions. He did not need the money but it gave him a sense of accomplishment and belonging to contribute to the growth of the town he now considered his home.
Erik sat on his front veranda looking out at all that belonged to him with wonder. He had never really owned anything. Of course he had thought of the opera house as his but the reality had been that it belonged to others. This land and everything on it belonged to Erik legally.
Over time Erik had made a few friends. The mayor had been impressed with the things he had done with his property. The men he had hired were pleased with the payment for their services and let it be known Erik was a fair man to do business with. For the first time in his life Erik had friends who respected him. None of them feared him, of course he had not used his old methods of gaining favor here as of yet. Erik had struggled to keep that darker side of him buried. Being among people on a daily basis had been wonderful yet frightening at the same time. He felt as if he needed to look over his shoulder all the time while expecting some hurtful blow to befall him.
Michael Landry, the mayor had become one of Erik's closest friends. They were of a similar age and both loved music. Neither had married although Erik's bachelorhood was not of his choosing. When Michael had first approached Erik with the idea of seeking out one of those women coming here with the express purpose of marriage he had declined to even consider the idea.
Now as he sat here Erik felt the only thing he lacked in his life was the companionship of a woman. Mere companionship may well be all he could hope for. Physical interaction scared him spitless. If, and that if looked very weak, if he could persuade one of those women to tie themselves to him he did not see her as someone willing to share intimacies with him. Never having been with a woman in the biblical sense Erik did not feel adequate to give any pleasure during any exchange they may have. Could a woman even bring herself to lie with him?
Erik touched his lips as he remembered those two kisses Christine had bestowed on his surprised lips. Her soft mouth had given him so much pleasure as well as pain in the short time they had laid upon his own unresponsive mouth. It still shamed him that he had not been able to respond to her caresses as other men would. Of course his heart had been being torn from his chest at the time but still he should have done something. He had not even placed a hand on her during what he thought had been a passionate exchange, at least on Christine's part. Erik had disgraced himself in his eyes when he had stood there letting Christine kiss him without so much as moving his own lips one centimeter.
What real man could endure the lips of the woman he loved being pressed to his own without some sort of response? Erik knew very well the painful arousal from being close to women without ever having the relief of a warm woman's body wrapped around his own. He liked to think his lack of response to Christine had been because his heart felt split in two at the time rather than he had no experience to draw from. Erik had known he had lost Christine and within moments she would go out of his life never to return.
Throughout his travels Erik had tried to look at other women to test his readiness to be a man as others were. He had not found himself to be any different than before. He achieved arousal as any man would. His only drawback was being of an age when men were supposed to have bedded a woman or two. His virgin state he feared would remain such until he died. If God were to send him a woman Erik feared his lack of experience would hinder him from pursuing an intimate relationship. It was bad enough Erik knew he lacked abilities without making it known to someone he took as his wife.
Erik had gone over and over all the ramifications of a liaison with a woman from every angle. He felt it better to remain intact than be further humiliated by a lack of experience. He had a month or so to decide anyway. The women weren't due for some time yet.
Michael had only just begun contriving a new list of men for the next batch of women. When Erik had arrived in Tyler's Crossing it had only been a few weeks before those women he had overheard the gentlemen talking about had arrived. The females were snapped up within a few hours of arriving. They did at least wait a couple of days to perform the massive ceremony wedding everyone on the same day.
Erik pushed up off the veranda chair to go saddle his horse Midnight Dream. He'd go for a good run to clear his head of troubling thoughts. Perhaps later he'd go into town to play a few games of chess with Michael. He'd not dwell on whether or not he could build his courage to seek out a woman willing to wed him. He had a month after all to think it over before the next round of women arrived.
A/N: So what do you think?