This is rated M for a sprinkling of foul language and I'd rather be safe than yelled at;-)
Hugs and glomps to my beta, Stitchcat, and my pre-reader, HammerHips. This was my contribution piece for Fandom for Preemies.
DISCLAIMER: S. Meyer owns all the rights to Twilight, and I appreciate her allowing me to play with them and present a few "what ifs".
Letters
September 30, 2005
Isabella Marie Swan,
Words cannot express my sorrow and regret for the events that occured on your birthday. I know there is nothing that I can say or do to truly make everything right, but I just couldn't leave you without telling you. I wish you to know that I would never do anything to intentionally cause you harm. You mean so much to this family...to me. And I truly regret that we were forced to leave you behind over this incident.
You owe me nothing, but I would ask that you read this short account of my history as way of explanation for my actions, but not an excuse. I have never been the kind of man that excused his faults and shifted blame, but without telling you about the life I was reborn into when I first awoke, you cannot understand, therefore cannot accept.
The year was 1863, and I'd just been promoted to Major. Even if you went by the older age I told them I was when enlisting, I was still the youngest Major in the Confederacy. I stopped to help three women one night, and that was the last time I drew breath as a human.
There was a war waging - still is, in some southern parts of North America - for feeding territory. Humans were either cattle or potential soldiers, nothing more or less. I was turned by one of the sisters, Maria, to be a soldier in her quest for territory.
I lived to fight and to feed, for the battle and the blood. Eventually, I became her second in command and it took me years to leave. I didn't know there was another way for my kind; so you see, I had a very different upbringing than that of my siblings.
I do not expect your forgiveness or a response; however, I will not leave you without a method to contact me if you so choose. This is a PO Box in Seattle. Anything you send will make its way to me from there.
I will not presume to guess how you feel upon reading this, but please know it was written with the best of intentions.
Sincerest Apologies,
Jasper Whitlock Hale
October 5, 2005
Jasper Whitlock Hale,
The first thing I want to say to you is thank you for sharing your past with me. I wish that other people would have felt I could handle it a long time ago. It would have helped me feel not so awkward around you, and it would have helped me to understand where you were coming from, and that your struggle is not because you are weaker than the others.
Next, I want to say fuck you. Fuck you and your apology. I don't want it or need it! I told everyone that I didn't blame you! But do any of you listen? Hell no! You NEVER do! If you're going to apologize for anything, how about for the fact that you ran out of town with your collective tails between your legs without so much as a word to me? For that, I'll accept an apology. Or how about just coming back, huh? I mean so much to you vampires that you'll leave without looking back. Well, with the exception of you, who if it wasn't for the guilt would have lived out the rest of your existence without a second thought of this puny little human. So, I reiterate: Fuck you.
Do you have any idea what life has been like for me since your family left? Sure, I finally unfurled from the ball I'd been in on the floor after a week and multiple threats of being sent to my mom's, but do you not understand that I love him? I love each of you, even Rosalie! The pain is made worse by the memories. Memories that hurt to remember, but it's unthinkable to forget.
Everywhere I walk in this town, your ghosts remain.
I hear a loud laugh and see Emmett's dimpled smile, so I stopped listening. I see that stupid shiny Volvo in the parking lot at work and my chest aches. I've covered the rocking chair where he used to sit during the night. I can't even enter my own closet because half of the clothes in there are from Alice! They even smell like her, which then leads to me hyperventilating, going back into the fetal position and fighting to breathe while trying not to sob. My chest feels like someone ripped it open, yanked out my heart, and left my emptiness wide open for all to see. I keep trying to hold it together, honestly I do, but I can't! I can't breathe!
Even sleep is no escape. I dream of being left alone on the forest floor, and then I wake up screaming. I've tried to stifle them so Charlie doesn't keep coming in, but I'm not always successful.
You don't owe me anything, Jasper. None of this is your fault. I don't expect you to write back.
Just a brokenhearted girl,
Isabella
October 12, 2005
Isabella,
Damn, don't hold anything back. Tell me how you really feel.
I knew it would be hard for you when we left. I felt your love for each and every one one of us. I know its strength and depth, so I understand why you are having a tough time. It's ok to cry and even be pissed off, but snap out of it. If the memories are haunting you, go to Florida. You'll never forget one moment you spent with us. Not only for the more than obvious reasons, but also because he was your first love. The fear is understandable but unreasonable. You have a whole life to live, now get to it. A change of location could be exactly what you need to be able to breathe. Not to mention, you could get some sun.
My friend, Mr. Jenks, said you spoke to him. I should've known your curiosity would get the best of you, but we were made to promise we wouldn't contact you. I think Ali knows, but she's leaving me be for now. However, I just can't tell you where we are and neither can Jenks. I must say that I was shocked by the sob story you plied him with: pregnant and abandoned while your father is dying of cancer? You forgot to add something about your dog dying…Nevertheless, Mr. Jenks and I go way back. He will not betray my confidence. Trust me, fear goes farther than tears, Bella. He will, however, still pass along your letters.
By the way, him watching you while you slept? Even we thought that was creepy.
Go to your mother's house. Your father will survive without you, and in all actuality, he may be better off with you gone. I know that hurts to hear, but it's the truth. You can tell him that you're happier, which he'll believe because he wants to, and he can get a full night's sleep. Speaking of which, what did you mean in your letter about being left in the forest?
Patiently awaiting your reply,
Jasper Whitlock Hale
October 17, 2005
Jasper,
After having my normal teenage reaction at being told what to do, I pieced your letter back together and read it again. And you know what? You were right. A change of scenery is just what I need.
I think that leaving here is like saying a final goodbye to you all. I guess somewhere deep down, I always thought he'd come back, that you'd all come back. Don't worry, you cured me of that delusion and now I need to just get away. I feel the urge to run. To start over somewhere where I can be free of all of this supernatural baggage I've been carrying around for far too long. And maybe, under the sun in Florida, I'll be able to see the good times I had here in Forks. Maybe I'll be able to look back on this with fondness, knowing for a short time what I had was real, and I can be thankful your family let me in at all. Maybe I'll be able to cherish the time spent with you all when I'm not mourning your loss. I'm definitely not there yet, but I have hope, and you gave me that, so thank you. Whatever perceived debt you think you owe me is paid. Go rest in peace or whatever the vamp equivalent would be.
I'm not a bit sorry for tracking down that PO box and waiting to see who answered it, and I'm not going to lie and say I am, but I don't want to get you in trouble with your keepers, so I'll not harass poor Mr. Jenks anymore. By the way, fear may work better, but I bet my tears aren't chiseling years off of his life. Jeesh, Jasper! What did you do to that poor man! One mention of your name and I thought he was going to be sick. I see you don't always use that emotional ju-ju for good.
And what do you mean, what do I mean? He left me in the forest after he told me that he didn't love me anymore. I didn't belong in his world. Spending the night curled on the leaves catatonic was my fault. After all, who tries to catch a vampire who doesn't want to be caught? A naïve girl, that's who. Really, it was my fault. Luckily, I'm a quick learner. I won't make the same mistake twice.
I should be at my mom's by Friday, so I guess this is goodbye. And Jasper, thank you.
Bella
October 24, 2005
Dear Bella,
I'm glad you're getting out of there for a bit. How was the trip? I was hoping all went well. Fuck, what I was hoping was that you lost that pull to all things dangerous since we left.
Jenks looked you up for me because I don't think I'm quite ready to say goodbye yet. Maybe since my thirst is no longer a deterrent, we could be friends? At least until you get a life. I've found that I've come to look forward to your letters, and things have been difficult around here lately. It's up to you though. I'm not gonna start stalking you or anything.
You know, I hear humans like to dress up and gather at parties on Halloween. Maybe you should try it. Get out there and drink a little drink, smoke a little smoke, and relax.
In the words of Emmett, Alice's brother is a douche. None of us had ANY idea how he planned to leave you; or that he would lie his ass off and take the easy way out for himself, but leave you even more devastated than necessary. He left because he's a coward and he was scared, but not because he didn't love you. His ass and my black shit-kickers have a date set for the next time he shows his self-pitying ass around these parts, and I'll be sure to tell him you said "Hi". And don't waste your ink trying to tell me otherwise. Em's already got the camera ready and everything.
My favorite color is midnight blue.
Sincerely,
Jasper Whitlock Hale
November 2, 2005
Well, Mr. Jasper Whitlock Hale,
The trip was uneventful besides a flat tire. That angel of death stalking me must've moved on to someone else.
I guess we can give this "friends" thing a shot IF (and only if) you give me your word that when you get tired of our oh-so-witty banter and decide you need to sever ties to this human, you let me know. Don't just stop writing one day and leave me worried about you and wondering what I did wrong, ok?
And again, Dr. Phil, I took your advice. Actually, I was forced to by my mother but your suggestion took most of the fight out of me, leaving me susceptible to her. Damn you. AND since I doubted you would believe me if I told you what she guilted me into wearing using her mom powers, I've enclosed a picture. I request you burn it after you see it though.
The party was just at a neighbor's house, and it was all I expected and more. That's sarcasm there. I know it can be hard to tell in written form…Anyway, jocks, cheerleaders, and drunk kids abounded. I did find a girl dressed as a ghost shrunk into a corner to talk to, and I think I'm going to sit with her at lunch on Monday too, so I guess it wasn't a total bust.
It's just…hard, Jasper. I know I should move on, but I don't want to. How can I just forget everything and everyone that was supposed to be my forever?
My favorite color changes from day-to-day, but today, it's orange. Not like pumpkin orange but the color you see playing in the clouds at sunset. It's peaceful to me. Peaceful and happy. See, I can still recognize these things, even if I can't quite feel them yet.
Ok. My turn: my favorite book is Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen.
I'm here to listen if you ever want to talk.
Bella
November 10, 2005
Bella,
DAMN! I can't believe you went out in public with so little clothes on. I guess if you count the fishnet stockings as 'clothing' it wasn't too revealing, but a pirate's wench? Really, Bella? Going through a Johnny Depp phase now, are we? For having perfect recall, it's amazing how much I seemed to forget about you…. And tell your mother thank you very much for the picture.
I know it's difficult, and I know it hurts, but you are worth too much to simply waste your life away pining for what could have been instead of looking to what could be now. You can find a good man and have a family someday. Children of your own... You may not know it now, but this second chance is a gift. Accept it.
Nobody's saying you have to just pretend like none of this ever happened (just don't talk about it), I just want you to be happy. All you need is time now. Trust me. You'll heal.
Midnight blue is comforting to me. I always think of lying on my back on the sand on the outskirts of Monterrey, and staring up at the stars. Even I couldn't count them all. But the sky stretched on and on, and there I always found peace after a battle.
My favorite book would be Sir Thomas More's Utopia. I don't agree with all of his thoughts, but whether he meant it as a satire of England's idealistic times or not, the concept has always struck a chord with me. It's one of the reasons I decided to study Philosophy this time around. A close second favorite of mine would be The Zombie Survival Guide, a worthy read, trust me on that.
And I may take you up on that offer to talk. Everyone here is off on their own pursuits to forget and mourning the absence of you and Alice's brother, so it's been a bit quiet. And although you may not blame me, I can feel their resentment. I deserve it.
I can't tell you that there won't come a day when I'll not be able to keep contact with you, but I give you my word that I will tell you should such a time arise. I don't give that lightly.
Your friend,
Jasper Whitlock Hale
November 10, 2005
Jasper Whitlock Hale!
I haven't got another letter from you yet, but I don't care. I'm writing this to yell at you! DID YOU KNOW WHAT HE DID? I expect an answer! Charlie forwarded my mail and guess what? I got approved for a scholarship that I didn't apply for and that doesn't even EXIST! HOW DARE HE! Does he think I wouldn't get suspicious? That I wouldn't check on it? Or does he think that's all I wanted from him? His damn money? I didn't want it when we were together and I damn sure don't want a dime of it now, and you can tell him I said so. Arrogant asshole!
I contacted the "manager" of the committee for the fund (who sounded an awful lot like Mr. Jenks) and turned it down. I'd turn tricks at the Quickie Mart down the road before I'd take his charity. Wasn't his time with me contribution enough? Well, FUCK Edward Anthony Masen Cullen and the pansy Volvo he drove in on. And FUCK YOU, Jasper, if you knew anything about this and didn't even give me the head's up.
What is it with you vampires! Ahhhhhhhhh!
One pissed-off human,
Bella
November 11, 2005
Bella,
I may not be an expert on human behavior or language patterns, but I gleaned you were a mite upset even before your closing. It could have been the amount of exclamation points, it could have been the giant 'fuck you', or it could have been that for the first time since we began corresponding, you used his name. So maybe this was a good thing. And before you rant at me some more, I knew nothing about it so aim that dirty mouth somewhere else, Darlin'.
I'm sure it's just Edward's way of assuaging some of his guilt. He cares about you, after all. He's just got the emotional depth of a two-ring kiddie pool and to say that he's set in his Victorian-era pussy-ass ways would be an understatement of epic fucking proportions. I'm not excusing his stupidity, just attempting to explain it. Tell you what, I'll add a kick in the balls to that ass-whoopin' he has coming, mmkay? Don't bother to answer that, it's already down.
Now, since I know you'll feel a smidge guilty after you cool down a bit, ( hell, you probably did the moment after you paid to overnight your letter) you can repay me by giving me two answers in your next letter. And since that was the second time you've told me to fuck myself, I'll come up with the questions. Sound fair? That's what I thought.
Hmmmm…..better make these good.
Question 1: Why did you give in all those times Alice tried to dress you? I know you love her, but I never knew what exactly you were thinking.
Question 2: Did you keep that costume from Halloween? It'll come in handy on that corner for sure.
I'm following your lead and putting this one on the fast track, that way, you won't have to stew as long. Don't want wrinkles already, do you?
Sincerely, one slightly amused vampire,
Jasper Whitlock Hale
January 25, 2006
Jasper,
Ugh! I could scream. In fact, I did. Since I rejected the scholarship the first time, and then burnt the last couple of cashier's checks sent, they decided cash was in order. Oh well. The homeless guy who trolls behind the school on weekends just got a new Ford to sleep in and a year's worth of gas on a card. I felt slightly better.
The prom is coming up and Scott asked me to go. I know we've been out on a couple of group dates but I don't think I can fake enough interest for prom. Plus, isn't that usually the sex date? Is it weird I'm asking you about this barbaric human tradition? I'm justifying it to myself because you've done more than a life's sentence in high school, and that super hearing has to pick up the good gossip occasionally.
I'm sorry that Alice isn't in any of your classes this semester. Maybe she just overlooked it. You should definitely talk to her.
I'm narrowing down my college choices now. Luckily, having almost no social life has done wonders for my GPA. I've basically got my pick. Unfortunately, they're not quite good enough for the scholarships I've been looking at, and my parent's gross income is too high for most tuition assistance. I'm not taking your money, so don't offer. This is just me letting my friend know what's new in my life.
And yes, you can pass my love along to Esme. I'm glad almost everyone is okay with our friendship. I don't know what I would've done these last few months without you. It probably would've involved a lot more Ben and Jerry's and buying stock in Kleenex. Thanks for giving me that push I needed.
Cougars? Really? We are talking about the animal and not the older women who try to prey on helpless, younger men, right? Well, Pickle Pringles are my favorite thing to munch right now, but I'll be thinking about you when Renee drags me off to the zoo this weekend. Her pregnancy is going great, and she's already gearing up into Supermom mode.
After the mass suicide of my goldfish, I gave up on pets, but did you have any you liked when you were human?
Your friend,
Bella
April 15, 2006
Bella,
I think Cornell sounds like the perfect place for you. Do you want to continue our correspondence? For my part, I can't imagine not knowing what's going on in your life. Just being able to get to know you has meant more to me than you'll ever know, but we both know that this eventually will have to come to an end. I'm gonna leave the choice up to you as to when that time is. You say when, friend.
Ali finally moved to Europe. Her new mate, her true mate, Gregor, should be waiting for her there in a few months, and she wants to have the time to build her wardrobe up before then. I'm being replaced by a wanker who wears pink button-ups, pleated pants, and tasseled loafers. Turns out it's easier to get the real thing than to change some random vampire you picked up in a diner one day into your dream guy.
I'm actually okay with it though. I mean, she was pulling away long before she finally announced that she wanted a divorce. She felt more like my sitter, and I felt like her fucking Ken doll. Maybe in a few decades I'll even be able to think about her without the sting of rejection or the bitterness of being abandoned after so many years together. You seemed to have recovered nicely.
Esme and Carlisle are going to their island for the summer and Rosalie and Emmett have decided to take another honeymoon to Africa, so looks like I'll have the house to myself for a few months. I think I need a new hobby.
How is Mark? Did you finally let the poor boy get score more than a side-boob brush? If not, I think that's okay. After all, you're just preparing him for life as an adult.
I finally watched The Office like you suggested. Nice. The characters made good fodder for my term papers on the human psyche. As per our agreement, let me know what you think of North and South.
And to answer your question, yes; I've done a night or two in jail: once with Em and once with Peter. And no, I'm not gonna elaborate. Some things are better told in person.
I've got your graduation gift (protests are futile) but I'll wait until you're settled somewhere before I send it.
Till next time,
Jasper Whitlock
August 20, 2006
Jasper,
Thanks for Fluffy! I love her! She's beautiful and just perfect! And who couldn't take care of a fish that lives in a vase beneath a plant? She's, well, just perfect. Thanks for telling me not to give up.
Did any of my suggestions work? I thought poker especially was a good choice for you, but the cigar smoking I was less than enthusiastic about. I figured 'what the hell' though. It's not like you can get cancer… Thanks for the pic of the Mustang. I still can't believe it only took you four hours from box to perfectly detailed. Can vamps have ADD? Maybe you should talk to Carlisle about that.
I'm enclosing copies of the pictures I took of Katie before I left. Renee says she's doubled in size since then though. She's just got roll upon roll and she's the only thing I really miss about Florida. Well, her and my mom.
Yes, if there were only women left in the world, I'd switch teams. I've been tempted by the little black-haired girl in my civics class, but my love of manparts is too great to give up on finding a good one attached to them yet.
Your grateful friend,
Bella
August 25, 2006
Bella,
It's amazing how much free time you have when sleeping and sex are no longer options. What did Edward do for so damn long? I guess that's why he's such a damn know-it-all.
Speaking of annoying people knowing too much shit, you never did tell me how you came up with this year's tuition. I know you didn't want to take money away from your mother with Katie on the way, and I know you didn't take part of Charlie's retirement to help you out, so my dear, innocent, sweet little friend, how exactly did you get the cash for the Ivy League, hmmm?
Oh! That's right. I already know. Rose and Emmett got back a few weeks ago. The big guy wasn't even through the doors when she'd cut him off and marched out to her garage. So, he did what he always does in these times of need: he took a trip to the triple-x store, and you'll never guess what he saw. Well, maybe you will, Stripperella. I made him cut it off before the truly reveling parts but where exactly did you learn to work a whip? And why didn't you just take Ed's money?
I'm not judging you, Darlin', I just don't understand. Oh, and Em's never going to let you live this down, you know that, right?
Your Friend,
Jasper Whitlock
February 14, 2007
Jasper,
Hey! How'd that date go? I know it's not a forever type of thing but I think that's ok. Mine was fine, I guess, but something happened afterward and I'm kind-of freaked out. That's why I'm writing so soon. Talking to you makes me feel safe, and I just really need that tonight.
So, I was on my way home and I stopped a few miles from campus to get a soda and some Skittles. I grabbed a five and ran in real quick. I didn't even turn off the ignition because that starter has been giving me fits again. Stupid, I know.
When I got back in my truck, I heard a knock on my window and saw a young guy. He was clean cut and was smiling but I had this weird feeling and it was so dark. I just cracked the window to see what he needed. He held up a five and said that I dropped it, but I knew I didn't, Jazz. When I told him that though, he lost it.
He looked deranged as he pounded on my window, screaming, "Open up, you bitch." As soon as I got over the shock, I left his crazy ass eating my dust. He threw a rock and cracked my back windshield, but other than that, no harm was done. I'm just shaken up.
Make me feel safe, Jasper.
Bella
February 17, 2007
Isabella!
Call me by tomorrow – noon - or I'm coming up there! I'm serious, Bella! I need to hear your voice.
Jasper
April 23, 2007
Jasper,
I think I am staying up here and working through the summer. And no, not porn. I'm scowling at you, by the way. That little boutique on Eighty-Seventh Street has been perfect. They've been flexible around my classes but the owner said she'll give me a dollar an hour raise if I switch to full-time. What do you think?
And about the visit, I don't honestly know if it's a good idea. I mean, I'd love to see you, but what if it changes everything. What if it somehow ruins what we've got going? I count on you too much as it is. I just don't know.
Jake called with an update on Charlie. He said he knew how worried I was when I left Forks last time, but that Charlie's doing much better. The doctor said with a change in diet, he should still live long enough to see his grandchildren at which point I snorted. Kids are great, just not for me. I want to see the world. I want to do what I want to do when I want to do it, and I refuse to have a child knowing how selfish I'm going to be. I love my mother, but I won't be Renee. It's just not going to happen. I think I broke Jake's little puppy crush when I told him that. Actually, I hope I did.
Your friend always,
Bella
June 5, 2007
Jasper,
Fluffy died. I'm cradling her vase to my chest and sobbing into the now-brown leaves of her plant.
Bella
August 1, 2007
Bella,
Well, I think he finally did it. Emmett is going to clown college. He's been begging Carlisle for almost fifty years, and finally, Carlisle agreed. Actually, I believe what he said was, "If you think that that is the best way to spend your time. If you think that clown college is the best way to contribute to society and be a valuable, upstanding member of this family then you have my permission."
Carlisle places entirely too much weight on our consciences leading us to do the right thing. Really, it's his own fault. Emmett's already got a makeshift tightrope strung up in the woods behind our house to practice jumping into a cup of water. I think his vampire brain is in hibernation 'til the spring. He asked Rose to go as well, but one look told him exactly where she thought he should stick his rubber nose.
I'm looking forward to hearing about your new classes,
Jasper
September 18, 2007
Dear Jasper,
I dreamt of you last night. Maybe it was because of the date, I don't know, but I dreamt of you. I was back in my room at Charlie's, thrashing in my bed when suddenly, I sat bolt upright and there you were in the rocking chair, which I left covered. Our eyes met immediately, and you smirked. Like you knew this big secret that I didn't, but God did I want to.
You stood and walked toward me and my breath caught. My heart fluttered as I watched your eyes darken in the streetlight coming in from the window.
I pushed the sheet off and you took its place covering me. Your right hand slid up my thigh and I shivered. Just as you leaned down and your lips brushed against mine, though, my alarm went off.
I need a new clock now, by the way.
What do you think it means?
Yours,
Bella
September 24, 2007
Bella,
I think you know what it means, Darlin'.
Turn around,
Your Jasper