Diary author unknown:
April 21st, 2008
I sit here, at a desk I've sat at many times before.
The past four years this desk has heard silent and loud tears.... It has witnessed many a fight... and many a loving union. It was here when I was married. It was here when I gave birth. This desk holds my most precious belongings- and the things I hate the most.
***
Four years ago we moved here. I was scared. he was scared. And I'm sure, somehow, my fear rubbed off on my unborn baby at the time. We had been running for at least two years at the time. Running for our lives. If we stopped for even a week, we knew we'd have unmarked black vans and cars on our tail immediately. So...we pressed on.
If you're looking to lose weight, I recommend it. We had a reasonable amount of money, but we could never relax and use it. We had to conserve on food and toiletries, and luxury items were out of the question. I know many times it was only Him that kept me moving forward. I also know that without me, He would have given up a long time ago.
*William*.
I think the name...and then I put it out of my mind again. No. I can't think about him. I can't talk about him, I can't write about him. Yet- he's always there. I know he's out there, somewhere. The second I signed him over to the adoption agency, I knew. I knew it was the beginning of the end. Of course, within a matter of months we started running, Mulder and I.
***
I always took for granted my partnership with Mulder. For years we were just FBI partners and nothing more. Oh, we trusted each other implicitly, were the best of friends, and we constantly held each other's life in our respective hands. We would never allow our feelings for each other cloud our work or judgement, though. For years the rumors flitted around the FBI till they were stale and overused. After a while the quota became that I was '', and that was all there was to it.
Then he left.
And I was pregnant.
Because after 7 years together we finally gave in. Just once, and I was punished. At first, I thought God was punishing me, laughing behind my back. A baby was all I wanted, and it was the one thing I couldn't have. I felt like He was saying if He was to cause a miracle and give me the child I so dearly longed for, I would have to sacrifice the thing most precious to me. My partner.
After a while I came to terms with *It*, my pregnancy. Some people diagnosed with cancer miraculously go into remission...I miraculously was able to conceive. And I came to terms with God. God hadn't taken Mulder, *They* had. I struggled with the possibility that maybe a baby was supposed to be a condolence. A condolence to fill the empty gap Mulder's leaving had left.
As I'm writing this the pen in my hand is shaking. The tears stream down my face in rivulets as I realize what I'm writing. I gave up God's miracle. I wonder if anyone but me has ever done something like that.
I do have Elizabeth, thank God. I didn't dare believe that after giving up William God would ever trust me to rear another child.
She looks exactly like Emily...
I hear Mulder at the front door to the apartment, and he'll no doubt wake up Libby-she'll be hungry, she's been napping all afternoon. For a four year old she sleeps a lot...today was her birthday, I didn't even tell her.
***
Dana