Balls, dances, formal bull shit. Why? Hours of pretending to be confident is ridiculous petticoats and pink dresses. I am the confident sister, the bold sister, the feminist, not the insecure lesbian who only pretends to pine after "handsome" soldiers. But here I am, with my unnecessarily extravagant bum roll and the mask of a young straight woman. Eliza pokes my back, and I turn around to see her gaping at a scruffy young man.
"Dibs!" she says to me under her breath. The brave Angelica takes over, guiding me over to flirt with the boyish soldier Eliza has decided will be here baby daddy. Alexander Hamilton. He twirls big words around me and I pretend to be blown away by his politics, not demonstrating my extensive superiority in bold ideas to scare him away. Maybe I am brave and bold Angelica, as long as I can hide my sexuality. I begin to toy with Mr. Know It All.
"So, I guess you're here for a wife, huh?" He hesitates for a fraction of a second, his face clouding over. A fraction of a second is all I need.
"Not a ladies man? Don't want a commitment during the war? What's wrong pretty boy?"
"No, its…" He trails off. "I-I am already seeing someone," He finally manages. My heart sinks. No more setting Eliza up with pretty boy.
"Who could the lucky girl be?" I prod. His face clouds over again. Perhaps it's a sensitive topic. Perhaps she just passed away and he is in mourning. Or perhaps… no, it couldn't be… what if he was like me? Only one way to find out.
"Or… person. Who could the lucky person be?" At that, his face clears, but he is stunned into silence. He leads me into a corner and spills.
"H-his name is John. John Laurens. He was one of the first people I met when I escaped from St. Croix. And… my heart beats just for that kind man." My heart stops. Not just another gay, but someone in a relationship! Maybe my romantic life is not all for naught.
"If homosexuality really is a sin, I couldn't care less. What has God done for me? Staying alive has just been my hard work, no outside help. Christians can say I'm a sinner, but they haven't raised a finger to help immigrants. And I love John, no religion can take that away."
"M-me too," I manage to get out is hushed whisper, "I love women. But that has never been a reality. I was raised rich and religious, never doubting that I would need to marry a rich man. Three years ago, my father made me tie the knot with a nauseating rich man, perhaps the ugliest man I have ever seen who insisted on consummating the marriage. My sisters pine over any half-handsome man they can find, while I would rather check out women's bodies from behind a copy of Macbeth." He smiles at my love of literature and places a hand on mine.
"I wish finding another person interested in the same sex could allow a happy marriage with the man I love," he sighs, "I must always keep my relationship a secret, shown only in letters and in a closed room. I must still marry a woman, live a life in fear, and never reveal my relationship. At least I find some women attractive. I could love a woman. Be satisfied with a heterosexual life, perhaps not. But who am I kidding, I can't be satisfied by anything." At that, my ears perk up. Perhaps Eliza's crush is not hopeless if Alex likes women. But no satisfaction… I guess that is me as well. I could never be satisfied with my husband, or any life that isn't my own.
I talk with him for hours. I let myself reveal my opinions in a few discussions, and he is clearly blown away by the fact that I read. I tell him about Eliza, about Common Sense, and feminism. He tells me about hurricanes, about his revolutionary friends, and his abolitionist ideas.
That night, he became a dear friend. I introduced him to Eliza, who was instantly swept off her feet by Alexander's eyes. After leaving them to be, I walk outside for a breath of cold winter air. A man catches my eye. He walks over two me. I am instantly swept back into reality. Straight Angelica mask goes back on as I talk to him.
"Angelica Church? Aaron Burr. It's a pleasure to meet you." The man is obviously overwhelmed by the party as well, but is astonished to see one of the famed Schuyler sisters outside of the ballroom. I take another breath of cold New York air. Aaron has a mask too. Alex and I weren't the only ones with secrets tonight. There is something off about this Aaron Burr, but I play along with his game. Before I know it, Aaron has a flirtatious grin on his face and begins to lead me back inside. Perhaps it's a different kind of secret than Alex and I shared. His careful steps lead me in the dance. Something feels off. His guard is up. I tuck a curl behind my ear and bat my lashes- may as well play the game. Aaron's stone face is troubling and at that moment I make a decision. Tonight I will find Aaron's secret.
After a night of dancing and drinks, Aaron offers to walk me home. I raise my eyebrows, offering to walk him home. Sluggishly, Aaron nods his head toward a street. Straight Angelica lets Burr lean against me. I watch myself with this strange mask on as if from a distance. I guide him to his little house, and lead him inside as he drunkenly fumbles along. I find a room and open the door hoping to find a bed. What is behind the door is in fact a bed, but what catches my breath is the woman on it. She has mesmerizing dark hair pulled back in a ribbon, freckles dot her nose, and her blue eyes sparkle with intelligence. After taking in the woman's gorgeous face, I notice her pail white dressing gown and the gentle curves from underneath. Her beauty is irresistible. Perhaps I understand my sisters' helpless pining after young men after all. If they all looked like this girl, I would be right there with my sisters.
Aaron's drunkenness seems to vanish upon seeing the woman.
"Theodosia!" he gasps, "I didn't know you would be here!"
Theodosia's eyes fall on me, and she looks hurt for a second. I realize she must think I'm a whore cheating with her husband.
"I should go," I say, "Aaron, I didn't realize you weren't on the market." I feel brave straight Angelica start to crumble. I can't even pretend to flirt with a man without ruining a relationship. The woman's face flashes back to me, with her deep understanding eyes and gently curving lips. Theodosia. Tonight, I hurt this woman. I close the door of Aaron's tiny little house and feel the tears start to come. In one moment, I met Alexander, who wouldn't let anything stop him from his secret love story. He gave me confidence. He gave me belief in loving whomever I want to love. And in the next moment, I suddenly see the girl I want to love; I break her heart on accident. I watch my breath come out in the winter air as I wipe away my tears and begin the trek home. Suddenly, footsteps pat silently behind me. I turn around to see her, Theodosia. She has a kind smile that light up her eyes.
"You aren't surprised Aaron would come home with another woman?" I ask.
She shakes her head.
"I'm already married to a redcoat. He was away one night when Aaron found me. He takes home a new girl often enough, I shouldn't have been surprised. I guess if we are both untrue, there isn't much room for heartbreak."
I suddenly become aware of my puffy eyes and tear stained cheeks next to her rosy blush and pale freckles in the cold. My God, she is gorgeous. Her soft face, round breasts, pale arms… right. She is only in a dressing gown in winter in New York.
"Aren't you cold out here in only your dressing gown?" I say, remembering the present. I wrap my shawl around her shoulders and wrap an arm around her.
"Thank you," she says softly, "Are you all right? I do apologize if I ruined a relationship."
"No… I'm already married. And… I guess I'm not very true either tonight I met someone so much kinder than him… introduced this kind man to my sister, and then I got a guy I found outside drunk. That man just so happens to be your boyfriend. Anyway… I didn't have any better luck tonight than you did, Theodosia." Her name leaves my lips with a tingle. Theodosia. What an irresistible name for an equally irresistible girl.
"Yeah… men aren't exactly my strength I guess," Theodosia is toying with me. She knows my secret. Suddenly, her lips are on mine. There I am, in the snow, making out with the prettiest woman I have ever met. And this has now become the best day of my life.