What If It Was Him

by Raderle

One-shot around Kensi's injuries and her fears. When Callen confronts her about what she's doing and how it affects Deeks both with her and at work, it makes her think.

I reposted this to correct some errors that got past me before. I also marked this as complete the first time I posted it, but FF didn't note that for whatever reason.

I was watching last week's episode again and thought that ECO looks really tired. It made me think about what Kensi would do if it was him in the hospital instead of her? Then I couldn't get the thought out of my head and this one-shot is the result. This is AU but I tried to stay close to canon. Actual lines from episodes of the show are in quotes and bold type.

I own nothing but my imagination.

Leave a review on your way out and let me know what you think.

Enjoy

~,~,~

What If It Was Him?

Deeks was bone-tired. Working all day and then spending any extra time in Kensi's room was wearing him out; grinding him down to his essence. He knew he had lost weight, but food didn't interest him at the moment. He was focused on helping his partner, lover; his everything really, get through her injuries. At first, he was praying she would wake up, thinking that once she did, everything would get better. Oh, he knew her injuries would take time to heal and that she had a battle before her, but his Bad Ass Blye never let anything defeat her.

Once she had finally woken up, he encouraged her in every way possible. When she woke him up; God was it only two days ago, she had been smiling and asked for a kiss. His world had brightened immediately. Just seeing her awake seemed like a miracle. He had left the hospital that morning full of hope. She was seeing the doctor and physical therapists later that morning. They would come up with the plan needed to get her back to being her capable, awesome and beautiful self.

He kept remembering what Granger had told him in the gym. "The only way you'll fail her is if you quit."Who knew the guy had it in him to say something like that. He kept repeating it to himself whenever he felt like everything was falling to pieces around him.

When he returned later that afternoon, something had changed and not for the better. He could tell something was bothering her but she wouldn't confide in him. He tried to encourage her but when she retorted "And how do you suggest I do that? I can't walk, remember?" he had cringed. He did manage to get her to go outside with him in a wheelchair. He had foolishly thought he was helping her, but he wasn't. Nothing he did or said seemed to be the right thing. He could feel her pulling away from him. He hated to think that she'd given up, but when she refused the bulgogi he had ordered for lunch, then made several remarks about never walking again and insisted a nurse push her back to her room instead of him he felt like he'd been stabbed in the heart. When she said she didn't want any more visitors, it felt like the knife had been twisted inside of him.

He watched her leave and if anyone on the team had seen his face they would've know how devastated he was. He gave the food away and then went back to the office. At least there he knew he would be helping.

~,~,~

Another day, another case. Callen took a look at Deeks and had to ask "You sleep at the hospital again last night?" What could he say? He told him yes. When he asked about Kensi, he said she was the same but doing better. He couldn't; no make that he wouldn't, face the face that Kensi Marie Blye had given up. They worked the case and closed it out without too much trouble. He went back to the hospital. He didn't care if she said she didn't want visitors. He was going to ignore that statement. He found her in the courtyard of the hospital with blood on her sweats. It turned out to be from when she had fallen trying to stand up before he arrived. He tried to propose to her again but she wasn't listening. Even when he told her that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her no matter what. It didn't matter to him, but she said it mattered to her. Then she spoke words that tore him in two. "I am not doing this to you."

He couldn't even get her to keep the ring. She insisted she wasn't doing 'this' right now.

He did what he always did. He gave his partner her space and her small victory regarding the ring. He called the nurse to clean up her cut and put a couple of sutures in it. Then he sat there until she fell asleep and spent the rest of the night with her like he had since she had arrived. At least now, he had a couch to sleep on instead of having to try to sleep in a chair. It was more comfortable but didn't really help him sleep any easier. If he wasn't listening to make sure she didn't need him, he was reliving the crash and its aftermath.

~,~,~

As time went on, both Sam and Callen became more and more worried about their liaison officer. He had shadows under his eyes that seemed to be permanent. He looked noticeably thinner. They knew he was burning the candle at both ends and were worried he would collapse before too long. He was as focused and competent as always, but one look at his face and they knew he was in agony. He had quit talking about Kensi because it hurt too much. He was still by her side whenever he wasn't at work. He had asked his neighbor to care for Monty because he was never home except to shower and change clothes. Nothing had changed with Kensi. She was getting better every day but she didn't believe it and nothing he said got through to her. He would have given up long ago except for what Hetty and Grange had said to him. He held on to their words like a lifeline.

Sam cornered him in the gym earlier that morning and got him to admit that Kensi wouldn't even accept the ring he had for her and said she wouldn't do that to him. Sam told Callen that the look on his face as he told him what Kensi had said was the look of a man that had lost everything and didn't know how to go on living. He told Callen he was really worried about him.

Later, the three men were in the bullpen catching up on the never-ending paperwork when Callen finally had enough. He went to Hetty and let her know he was going to visit Kensi.

"Do you think that's wise, Mr. Callen?"

"Hetty, Deeks is drowning here. I don't know what's going on between him and Kensi, but if it keeps on, he's going to get himself hurt on a case. She needs to know what she's doing to him. She's not the only one hurting and worried."

"Should I remove Mr. Deeks from the field?"

"God no Hetty. I think it's the only thing keeping him sane right now. Sam and I have his back. If I think he needs to sit something out, I'll let you know. I'll be back later."

~,~,~

"You up for some company?" Callen stood in the doorway of Kensi's room waiting for the invite to enter.

"Why are you here? I told the nurse I didn't want to see anyone." Kensi glanced at him then back to the wall in front of her.

"I know. I flashed my badge to get in here. I need to talk to you."

"I don't want to talk about it, Callen." She was tired of people telling her everything would be all right, or that she was better off than a lot of people or that she just needed to put in the work in physical therapy to get back to who she had been before the crash. Dammit! she couldn't walk! Why didn't anyone seem to understand that?

Callen was adamant. "No, I'm not going to let it go. I'm not letting you lay here having a private pity party. You're not the only one affected by what's happened to you. We've all been."

"I'm the one who can't walk. Why don't all of you leave me the hell alone!"

"We'll talk and then I'll leave."

"Fine." Kensi wanted to get it over with. "What do you want to know?"

"Do you love Deeks?"

"Yes, why would you ask that?"

"Because from where I stand, it looks like you're ripping his heart out. What the hell are you trying to do to him? Get him to leave? That's never going to work and you know it. He'll never give up on you. He's here, with you, unless he's working. I don't know if you've noticed, but he looks like hell and he's lost weight. He blames himself for what happened to you, because you've given up. He thinks he's not good enough to help you."

"No, he doesn't; he doesn't believe that. Why would he?"

"Kensi, for such a smart woman you can be incredibly dumb sometimes you know that? Let me ask you a question. What would you do if it was Deeks in that bed? Would you desert him; walk away? Tell him you didn't want to have a life with him because he couldn't walk?" Callen was determined to get her to see what she was doing before he left. "Deeks was devastated when you wouldn't even accept the ring from him. If you keep tearing him down like you're doing, I'm afraid he's going to lose his focus and get hurt during one of our cases. Is that what you want?"

"No, Callen! That's not what I want. How can you even think that let alone ask me?"

"Then think about what I said; think hard and long. And then fix it with Deeks. He deserves better than what you've been dishing out." Callen turned and walked out of the room leaving Kensi to her thoughts. Thoughts that now were filled with images of Deeks walking away from her, leaving her; either because she finally pushed too hard or because he made a mistake in the field and got himself killed. Was that what she really wanted? Would she even want to live a life without him in it? Was Callen right?

~,~,~

Callen arrived in OSP from visiting Kensi when Eric called from the top of the stairs. "We have a case."

The three men trooped upstairs to hear the details from the Wonder Twins. It seemed a straight-forward case. A marine was missing under suspicious circumstances. According to the wife, he had been acting strange for several weeks. He told her he felt he was being followed. Deeks and Nell were dispatched to talk to her, while Callen and Sam went to talk to the man's commander.

The commander didn't have a lot of insight to share with them. The marine hadn't returned from a weekend leave; then the wife had called and asked where he was. A search of his berth turned up nothing incriminating and Sam and Callen were stumped. Both men hoped Deeks and Nell were having better luck.

Nell and Deeks arrived at the marine's home and walked up to the front door. Seeing it slightly ajar, they separated while Deeks called out to see if anyone was home. Nothing but silence greeted them. They walked into the home identifying themselves. The front room was clear so Deeks motioned for Nell to take the left side while he took the right side to clear the remaining rooms. Yells of clear came from each of them as they searched each room.

"Nell, I found the marine. I'm in the bathroom. He's dead. Looks like he's been dead for a while. But where's the wife? Could someone have abducted her?"

Nell started walking down the hall to where Deeks was standing in front of the bathroom door. Suddenly she saw a door behind him open. The wife emerged with a baseball bat she started to swing at the back of the detective's head. Nell only had time to yell "Behind you!" But it gave him enough time to turn half way around and put his arm up to try and protect his head. The bat hit his arm with a loud thud and then his right temple. He went down like a load of bricks.

"Put the bat down, now!" Nell had her gun pointed at the woman as she slowly put the bat down on the floor. "Get on your knees with your hands on your head." Nell could hear Eric yelling in her com while she handcuffed the woman and used Deeks' cuffs to handcuff her to a chair so she was out of the way. She then told Eric over coms "Send an ambulance, Deeks is down. I've secured the wife."

Nell reached Deeks' side as a low groan came from him. "Damn that hurts." He put his hand on his head: "Ow! What the hell did she hit me with?" He tried to stand up but Nell was having none of it and pushed him back down.

"Stay down Deeks. You were hit in the head with a baseball bat. How many fingers am I holding up and how does your arm feel?"

"Two…or is it three?" He was seeing double and felt dizzy and nauseous, but didn't want her to know. "I'm kidding Nellosaurous. I'm okay, my arm hurts, but it's not broken." He tried once again to get up but another wave of dizziness hit him and he sank back down against the wall. "Yeah, okay, that was a mistake."

"Stay there Shaggy." Nell admonished him pointing her finger at him.

"Yes, mom."

~,~,~

The paramedics were having trouble getting Deeks to agree to get checked out when Sam and Callen arrived. Sam told Callen he'd handle it while Callen talked to Nell. Going over to where their liaison officer was sitting against the wall, Sam got in his face "Listen to the paramedics Deeks. You're getting checked out if I have to pick you up and put you on the gurney myself."

He looked at Sam with a twinkle in his eyes. "Sam, you want to cuddle with me don't you? You need to wine and dine me first." He chuckled at the look of disgust on Sam's face. "I'm fine. Just a headache, really."

"Mr. Deeks, you will go to the hospital and get yourself checked out. Do I make myself clear?" Deeks hung his head as he heard Hetty's words over coms. He looked up to see Sam smirking at him.

"Yes Hetty, it's clear."

"Good, I'll see you there and I expect you to be cooperating with the doctor. Don't make me have to come and find you."

"I'll be there." He turned to Sam with a withering look. "Happy now Sam? I'm fine, really. You're all acting like I'm dying here but I'm not."

"Let's keep it that way Shaggy. Kensi has enough on her mind as it is."

At the mention of Kensi, his face fell. "I didn't think about that. Don't tell her what happened, please. Let me do that."

~,~,~

Hetty found Deeks in the emergency room sitting on a gurney while a doctor checked the scans that had been taken of his arm. "So Doctor, how is he?"

"And you are?"

"I'm his boss and next-of-kin. I'm surprised he hasn't tried to leave. Did he tell you he's fine?"

"Yes he did, but I've met officers like him before and told him I'd be the judge of his condition."

Deeks interjected. "I'm right here. I'm not a child you know. So what's the verdict?"

The doctor and Hetty both looked at him before the doctor relayed his findings; this time looking at Deeks. "We performed an MRI and confirmed you have a bone bruise of your arm, but it's not broken. I'm recommending something for pain relief and ice for the swelling. I've included an instruction sheet. The blow to your temple caused a mild concussion but you don't need to be admitted. There is some discoloration around your temple that may spread. You should take it easy for a few days at the least. It can take up to two months, sometimes longer for the bone bruise to heal."

Deeks sighed. "Just freaking great! What's Kensi going to think when I tell her?" He looked at the doctor "So I'm free to go then?"

"Yes, you can go. Remember what I told you about the arm. If you do what I told you to, it will heal without any problem, but if you do too much or push too hard too soon, you can make it worse."

"I'll make sure he takes it easy doctor." Hetty followed him out of the emergency room. "Let's go to the cafeteria and get something for you to eat before you go and see Kensi, shall we Mr. Deeks?"

"When you put it that way, Hetty, I can't disagree. I could really use a cup of coffee right about now. It's been a hell of a day."

"That it has." They made their choices once they reached the cafeteria then found an out-of-the-way table to sit down at. She looked at him closely. "It will get better, Marty. You keep on doing what you're doing and Kensi will come around. She's afraid of what's ahead of her and lashing out because of it."

"Yeah, I know. I'm just so tired Hetty. I'm afraid I won't be enough to help her. I keep thinking…what you and Granger said helped…it helped a lot. I just have to have hope and patience I guess."

"That you have in abundance young man. Now eat up. You need to keep your strength up. I don't want to see you in the office for the next three days either. Rest up and be there for your partner."

"Okay."

~,~,~

Deeks poked his head inside Kensi's room. "Can I come in?"

She turned around in bed to look at him and gasped. "What happened to your head?"

"I'm fine…I mean good Kens. Things got a little physical on the last case we had and I got knocked around a little. Just a mild concussion and a bone bruise to my arm."

Her face fell and he could see tears filling her eyes. "It's all my fault. I keep pushing you away…and I know you're tired…but you're here every night, even when I say I don't want to see you. I've been so mean…b…but I'm so scared! What will I do if I never walk again?" She was sobbing now as he pulled her into his arms. His left arm hurt like a bitch, but he wasn't going to let that stop him from giving her what comfort she would allow.

"Shhh…shhh Kens. Everything is going to be fine. I'll never leave you alone. I'm not going to let you push me away. You're my life, my other half. Together we'll get through this. I promise."

"I'm sorry Marty…I've been so worried about me I didn't think about what this is doing to you. You've been here for me every moment and sometimes I feel like I don't deserve it…like I'm a burden that you'll end up hating…I'm so sorry. I'm afraid you'll get hurt because you're worried about me and now…now you are hurt and it's all my fault."

"You have nothing to be sorry for. This, me getting hurt…it's not your fault. It's what we face every day in our job. You know that." He brushed the tears from her face with his thumbs and kissed her gently over and over. "You're my ladybird. You're awesome and you won't let this keep you down forever. I happen to know Agent Kensi Blye is too much of a badass to let this beat her."

That brought a small smile to her face. "She is huh? Badass?"

"You better believe it Fern." He kissed her again. "I have the next three days off compliments of the Duchess of Deception. I'm going to sleep and spend time with my girl. What do you think of a date with some bulgogi since you missed it last time? I could bring some for lunch tomorrow."

Kensi was about to say she wasn't hungry but remembered what Callen had said to her. "Tomorrow sounds good. I think I could manage a little bulgogi if it comes as part of a package deal with you."

"That it does, love of my life, that it does."

FINI