A/N: 'Ello. None of you know me. And that is good. Knowing is half the battle, and I've already won. Now. This is your disclaimer's warning for this fanfiction, "Hellsing: WTF?!". The following fanfic is random. Very random. You will not understand parts of it, and there is no hidden meaning behind the randomness, so don't search for it. For this fanfic, I needed an extra dose of random. So, I asked the Writer "Lord Deshwitat", author of "Alucard's Tales of Boredom". I am the editor of that fanfic. I needed more random, and he decided to work with me on this. Two skits will be written by him, and two by me. The story will weave in and out of The Mangas, The original tv show, and the OVA. ow, to envision the style of this fanfiction, imagine the following elements: Hellsing, Sugar, Bobobo Bo Bobobo's Randomness, dogs,
prfect Hair Forever, Broccoli, Monty Python, Hellsing Ultimate, Pillows, Hellsing: The Dawn, Random, and FUNK! Now, imagine all of these elements rolled up into the finest joint, and smoked by Hideo Kojima. Are you crying yet? Good. Let the madness begin.
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Chapter one: Act one: Vegetables.
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In the control room of the Millenium Warship, The Dok and Major were locked in a staredown. Both had started sweating, and each was waiting for the other to blink. Each was silent.
"..." The Major breathed, a grimace strewn across his lips, and his blue eyes showing anger.
"..." The Dok breathed back, his eyes locked with the Major's.
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
After twelve minutes, and fourty seconds, The Major shouted, reaching into his jacket, as the Dok reached into his. They both smirked, and the Major pulled out...A Carrot. The Dok, however, had pulled the ultimate counterattack, and pulled out a Potato. The Major threw the carrot down in disgust.
"Dammit." The Major cursed, kicking over his computer that he really didn't need since they were 500 FEET ABOVE GROUND LEVEL. The Dok smirked.
"I vin."
"Ja, Dok...again. I haff to say, though, you are gut at this!"
"Ja, nobody expects ze potato."
They both laughed together, before the Major suddenly let out a roar, and tackled The Dok, beating his head into the ground. The Dok shouted in fear.
"HERR MAJOR!!! STOP THIS AT ONCE!! YOU HAFF LOST YOUR MIND!"
The Major grinned, and got off, laughing nervously.
"Sorry, Dok...my bipolar disorder vas acting up again. Zat, und mein uncrontrollable desire to make mad love to y-"
"VHAT?!!" The Dok shouted, his spectacles falling off.
"MEIN GOTT DOK, YOU HAFF EYES?!"
"YES, YOU KNOW ZAT!!!"
"I THOUGHT THOSE VERE YOUR EYES!"
"NEIN!!! ZEY JUST HELP ME READ THINGS!"
"Oh...vell, gib mir diene pants."
"No. By ze vay, Major...vhy are ve speaking english? Everyone on zis ship ist German, so vhy are ve not speaking out native tou-"
The Dok was cut off by a wicked slap to the face by an angry Major.
"FOOL! DO NOT QUESTION ZE MAKER'S DECISION! YOU VILL GET US ALL KILLED IN THE NEXT VOLUME!!!"
"...'Maker'? 'Volume'? Hast du lost your mind?" The Dok asked, confused at the Major's outburst.
"All our vork will be for nothing!" The Major continued, stomping around on top og his desk. The Dok thought this would be a good time to exit stage left, and go into the ship's bar, and have a drink, and consider what all was going on.
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Chapter one, Act Two:
Alucard's Pussy.
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Alucard was walking around in the Hellsing Manor, whistling to himself, when Seras passed him by with a wave.
"Wait, Police Girl, I have a question..." Alucard said with a smirk. Seras turned around, confused.
"What is it, Master Alucard? Did they find the rats?"
"No, No, Police Girl, it's on a more personal note. I was wondering...would you like to pet my Pussy?"
"SAY WHAT?!!!!?!?!!" Seras screamed, falling back, her eyes wide, and sweating. She began to scamper away, as Alucard followed her, smiling.
"But Police Girl, look at it...I think Mr. Pussy needs a big stroke!!!" Alucard said, opening his jacket, and revealing a beaten, bloody Schrodinger, strapped to the inside of Alucard's jacket, and wearing nothing but his underwear, and crudely drawn cat makeup. Schrodinger looked helplessly at Seras, who was having a nervous breakdown...or a seizure.
"Call...ze policeee..." Schrodinger whispered out to Seras, crying. Alucard laughed, and closed his jacket, laughing maniaclly. Seras finally came to her senses, and ran off screaming about the entire mansion being a freak house. Alucard stopped laughing, and noticed Seras was gone.
"Oh Darn...I was wanting to ask her where the remote was, too...ah, well, maybe Walter knows." Alucard walked on, whistling the theme from "Happy Days", ignoring the muffled screaming and crying coming from his jacket.
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A/N: And now, the Deshwitat chapters.
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Chapter 1, Act 3: Baby.(Deshwitat)
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It was a normal day at the Hellsing mansion, when Seras decided to go for a lovely stroll across the mansion.
"Hmmmmmm, what shall I do today?" She asked, as she walked around for a few minutes. "What to do, what to do?", she asked again, before running into Walter.
"Walter, how are you tonight?" the vampiress asked, with a wave and a grin.
"Ms. Victoria, I'm doing very well thank you, and how are you?"
"Im really really bored, wheres Sir Integra?"
In Integras room, the usually strict heir was looking into her dresser mirror, and smiling as she was combing her hair.
"I'm a pretty pony, I'm a pretty pony ...IM THE PRETTIEST PONY IN THE LAND!!"
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Now, back to our sexy vampire with big boobs.
"HEY I HEARD THAT!!" the pissed, sexy vampire replied.
NO YA DIDN'T!!!
So anyway back to our tale...
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"So...where's Mr. Vernedead?" the bored and confused vampire asked.
"HE'S DEAD! HE'S DEAD! HE'S A ROTTING CORPSE AND YOULL NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN!!! HE'S GOT WORMS CRAWLING IN HIS INTESTINES!!! GRAH HA HA HA!! YOU KILLED HIM!! YOU KILLED HIM!! ALL YOUR FAULT!!! YOUR FAULT!!" Walter screamed at Seras in a fit of hysteria.
"Walter, hes right behind you."
"GRAHHHHHHHHHHH ZOMBIE!!!" The scared butler replied and ran off screaming
"What in ze hell was that about?" Pip asked his crush.
"I don't know. I think hes seeing into the future or something. So, wheres master?"
"He eez taking a dump." The frenchman replied.
"Really? I didn't know he could do-"
"GRAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"
WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!" Seras shouted in confusion.
"It came from ze bathroom."
Seras ran off in the direction of the bathroom.
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In the bathroom, Alucard was on the the toilet reading a Playboy with WWE Diva Ashley Massaro on the cover. He was blushing, and grinning.
"Oh, these humans are very prett-GRAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! (Plunk)" Alucard stood up, pulled up his pants and looked in the toilet, before smiling with great joy.
"OH MY GOD IT'S A BOY!!!"
A black tentnacle came up and grabbed him by the throught, lifting him above the toilet.
Seras walked in, concerned. "Master is every OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL IS IT?!?"
"GET THE CAMERA POILICE GIRL, ITS GIVING ME A HUG!!!"
More tentacles came up and wrapped around him, and dragged him into the toilet.
"MASTER!!" She shouted, running up to the toilet to look in. "Master are you okACK!!?!" The tentacles came up again, and dragged her in too.
Walter then walked in. "Where did they go? He asked, as he looked in the toilet, as another tentacle shot up, and grabbed him "gRAHHHHHHHH!!!". He got dragged in also.
Integra then walked in. "ALUCARD WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?!" She marched up to the toilet and looked in, as the tentacles came up and stood there for a second, before shooting back in with a scream.
"Well, that was odd." she said as she watchted the still screaming creature flush itself down the toilet. And then she walked out. Alucard's muffled voice was heard inside the pipes.
"How did we all fit in here?!"
"Shut up, Master, it's YOUR son!!!"
"You helped make it..."
"WHAT?!"
"Nothing."
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Act One, Chapter 4:If the coat fits (Deshwitat)
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England laid in ruins, a zeppelin floating ominously above the ruined city. A familiar figure with large sunglasses and a white suit and coat stands atop it, laughing. A familiar German accent is heard...
"WOW, Zis coat is comfortable. I should have done zis long ago.", The young boy laughed. The figure is revealed to be Schrodinge,r wearing the majors clothes and laughing maniaclly, like him.
The major is heard crying in the background. "I VANT MEIN COAT BACK!!! I'm Cold!! Everythings getting dark...I cant see...iz zat you God?"
The crazed catboy merely yelled at him. "SHUT UP FATTY, YOULL LIVE!"
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