Why Link Should Never Drink an Energy Drink
A/N: Hello, people! Triforcelord is back with the final installment of the Why Link Should Never Drink Coffee series! This series has been rather popular, so I have high hopes for this story. But make sure that you have already read Why Link Should Never Drink Coffee and Why Link Should Never Drink Coffee: Part Deux before you read this story. Let's get this show on the road!
Why Link Should Never Drink an Energy Drink
The Kokiri Forest was buzzing with excitement. The reason was that the Annual We Kokiri Don't Sleep In Trees party was tonight, and all of the Kokiri just couldn't wait to start partying. It was the talk of the forest. Everybody knew about the party.
Everybody except one, that is.
That one somebody was a Hylian named Link, who didn't know that he wasn't a Kokiri or that he would one day become the Hero of Time through completely heroic and not-coffee-related methods.
You see, even though Link didn't know it, all of the Kokiri already knew that Link wasn't a Kokiri. His hair wasn't made out of grass, right? Well, they assumed that because Link hadn't been pissed on yet. Back to the story.
Link was walking around Kokiri Forest, wondering why everybody seemed to be so happy and excited. He was also wondering why everybody seemed to stop talking whenever he passed by. He shrugged it off as them all having their special time of the month, when they all took in too much energy through photosynthesis. What did you think he was talking about?
Anyways, Link was walking through Kokiri Forest when he passed by Lost Woods. He heard pretty music coming from the woods, so he decided to follow it to its source. When he got to the end, he was confronted by a GIANT FIREBREATHING LIZARD THAT LIKES LITTLE CHILDREN.
"Hey, Saria." Link said, "You were making the pretty music?"
Saria stopped playing her ocarina and said, "Yes Link, I was. I wanted to tell you something. But I'm not supposed to tell you, so I had to find a way to tell you it that nobody else would fall for. You're pretty much the only one stupid enough to follow music through a place called the Lost Woods, so this was perfect."
Just then, a random Kokiri walked in and said, "Who was making the pretty music?"
"AHHHH!" Link said, "It's an unimportant character! Kill it, kill it!"
"Alright, alright." Saria said, and then she took aim with her throwing knives and landed one right into the unimportant character's brain.
"Phew, for a second there I thought that I was gonna become unimportant. Thanks, Saria." Link said.
"And we haven't even gotten to the part with the energy drink yet." Saria mumbled.
Just then, a giant owl flew in and picked up Saria, flying off with her while saying, "NO BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL! Did you know that if you break the fourth wall, then there will be a rip in the space-time continuum, allowingSQUUUAAAWWWWKKK!" This last part was because Saria had jabbed her knife into the owl's heart, killing it while causing it great pain.
Saria jumped off of the doomed owl and dusted herself off, saying, "Now where was I… Oh, yeah, I was going to tell you about that party tonight… Link?" Link was nowhere to be found.
Later that night, as Link was going to bed, he heard the sound of distant music.
"Can you keep it down over there, I'm trying to sleep!" Link yelled, then saw that it was a party. "How come nobody invited me?"
Link got redressed and walked down to the party, where Mido was standing as a bouncer.
"Sorry, Link, you can't come in. Ah, who am I kidding, I'm not sorry! You're not even a Koki-" That was as far as he got before Mido was blasted by a bolt of divine lightning from the heavens.
"No breaking the fourth wall!" A voice said from the sky.
"Well, that problem solved itself." Link said, walking in.
When he got in, several people were surprised to see Link in there, but they shrugged it off thinking that if he got past Mido, than he must be qualified.
The ashes of Mido were being made into a home for worms.
Link was walking around, asking girls to dance and getting slapped in the face, and eventually Saria came over and talked to him.
"How did you get in?" Saria yelled over the music.
"Divine intervention. Hey do you want to dance with me?" Link asked.
Saria slapped Link in the face. "Sorry, Link." Saria said, "We were told by the Great Deku Tree to slap you if you asked us to dance, 'cause you're not supposed to find a love interest until you pull the Master Sword out of the pedestal and-" Golden lightning crackled overhead, "-and I'm going to shut up now."
"Why?" Link asked, rubbing his eyes.
Saria took advantage of Link's eye-rubbing to change the subject. "Hey, Link, want an energy drink?" She asked.
"Whas that." Link asked, very sleepy now.
"It is what it sounds like you idiot. Now here. Drink this." She handed him an energy drink with the label Monster on it.
Link chugged it down and all of a sudden straightened up and said really fast, "Hey, bitch, if you don't dance with me I'll fart so bad it'll kill everyone, just like I did with the dinosaurs."
"Ummmm, oookaaayyy." Saria said, offering her hand.
Link dragged her to the dance floor and, right before everybody's amazed eyes, started doing dances that no one had ever seen before. They were all very, very impressed.
Saria's eyes were sparkling. "Wow, Link, that was amazing! You wanna go make out?" She said suggestively.
"Nah, you're too ugly." Link said, than he threw her into one of the pillars, giving her a concussion.
"Hey everybody, watch this." Again, Link amazed them all with his energy drink enhanced dance moves. He was breakdancing, doing the worm, drinking punch, murdering the Kokiri who got on his nerves while no one was looking, and all in all having a good ole time.
The Kokiri looked to him as a hero.
"Did you see his moves? They were astounding!" One Kokiri said to another.
"I've never seen somebody drink so much punch and not piss themselves before!" Another said.
"I can't believe that he killed Steve! We've been trying to get rid of him for years!" Still another said.
Link cut a knife through an energy drink can, trying to make noise to get their attention, but killing a Kokiri instead. That got everyone's attention anyways, so no harm done.
"It has come to my attention that we do not have a mascot for this party." Link said.
"We have the trees." An unimportant Kokiri said. He was quickly silenced.
"As I was saying, we need a mascot. So I, Link, Hero of the We Kokiri Do Not Sleep In Trees Party, shall go and get us a mascot!" Link said. This was accompanied by much applause.
Link left and was gone for over two hours. When he came back, he brought back something that made the Kokiri hate him forever, a hate that was passed onto not only their own children, but their great-great-great-great-great-GRRREEAAATT grandchildren. He had brought back a Dodongo. "His name is Jim!" Link said, beaming.
Everybody was silent. That is, until the Dodongo started breathing fire. Then there was much yelling and screaming and running and burning and deaths, MWAHAHAHAHA!
"LINK, YOU IDIOT!" Saria screamed, part of her dress on fire.
The Kokiri eventually got the fire put out, but at a cost, such a cost.
There was never another We Kokiri Do Not Sleep In Trees Party ever again.
A/N: So, how was that for the final installment, huh? I hope it was satisfactory, and that I didn't ruin the entire series. Please Read and Review. Triforcelord, out!