Too late
Disclaimer:- Don't own them just borrowing!
Episode:- Intelligent Design
Pairing:- Jean/James
Rating:- K+
Achieve:- http(:/) . /group/rebeccafrontlewisffarchive/
Summary:- I can live with never seeing that smile again, never hearing her say my name, never smelling her perfume or feeling the heat of her body mix with mine when she stands close. I can't live with the knowledge she'll never be mine, that is why I have to go.
Author's Note:- In answer to Beth's challenge to write something based around the quote "Always tell someone how you feel because opportunities are lost in the blink of an eye but regret can last a lifetime." Angsty 900 word ficlet based around the end of the shows timeline. Written from James's POV enjoy and reviews would be lovely.
She moves through the room talking to everyone she passes and my heart skips at the sight of her smile sparkling with the beauty that it always has. This is my leaving party, our leaving party, mine and Robbie's and she organised it as a way to show us that she's sorry we're going but she understands why we have to. She thinks she knows, she thinks she understands that I am disillusioned with what we do, that it's too hard to see the worst side of people all the time but she's wrong.
For years I've watched her, slowly fallen in love with her, given her my heart even though she never knew she held it and all that time I made myself a promise. I swore to myself that if she was ever free, if she ever left her husband and was free for me to tell her how I felt I would. I promised myself I'd be brave I'd take the risk and do it but when the moment came I failed, I failed myself and I failed her.
You see I had my chance, I've had so many chances in the last year since he left. I told myself at first I was being considerate, giving her time to get over the end of her marriage and that was what someone who loved her would do. I told myself to rush straight into telling her how I felt would be careless and destined to fail. Then I told myself every day hat tomorrow would be the day, tomorrow I'll do it, tomorrow I'll ask her if she wants to go for a drink after work and I'll lay it all out on the table for her and hope she can see how much I love her and could maybe love me back.
"James you're looking miserable, it's supposed to be a party you know are you not enjoying yourself?" God she makes my stomach flip with just the gentlest of touches and her hand resting on my arm now is like an electric shock surging through my body mocking me and my inactivity all over again. I so wanted that hand, those finger to touch me, to show me how much she loved me too, to lace in my hair and pull my lips to hers. Now the way she's looking at me with a slightly confused tilt to her head and a questioning gaze is making my heart break all over again.
"Of course I am ma'am I'm just still recovering from Robbie's attempt to sing "You're the one that I want" with Laura on the karaoke." Her laugh is like the most beautiful music caressing my ears as she nods looking past me as someone waves at her and with a gentle squeeze of my arm she's gone again. Watching her walk away only heightens the reason I'm going. I can't do this anymore I can't love her and not have the courage to tell her. I've realised now so much time has passed, so many opportunities have gone that I know now I will never tell her and the idea of working alongside her every day and her never knowing how I truly feel is too much.
So I'm going, I'm taking my love for her and my heart that is broken not by her but by my own inactivity and I know I will never mend it while I'm so close to her. I have to go, to make the break and try to move on. I have to find a way to live with the lifetime of regret I know will haunt me from now on. Eight years of love and silent adoration and she has never known, she's never realised that she was loved by me more than anyone could or would love her again.
All those moments, those times when I almost said it, when I almost blurted it out or almost pulled her into my arms and kissed her in a way that would have left her in no doubt how I felt have passed in the blink of an eye and nothing is left for me but to walk away, to give up and hope that she finds someone to give her what I always wanted to. With all my heart I want her to be happy. I want her to never doubt for a single day that she is beautiful, that she is loved, that she can inspire such strength of feeling that it could move mountains. I know in my heart that someone will come along, someone with more courage than me and she will give them all that I wanted her to give me. That's why I have to go, I'd rather live with a lifetime of regret than watch her be with someone other than me and know that my own inactivity, my own cowardice lost me the one thing I wanted more than anything. I can live with never seeing that smile again, never hearing her say my name, never smelling her perfume or feeling the heat of her body mix with mine when she stands close. I can't live with the knowledge she'll never be mine, that is why I have to go. That's why I am going although she'll never know it and that's how I want it to be.