NOTES:
There will be non-graphic references to previous marital rape in this story. It's an unfortunate but necessary evil in writing Regina's character.
It's also best to consider this an AU within the canon setting. I haven't set it at any particular time within the OUaT timeline so it's a bit of a mashup.
"Uh, fuuck," Emma gasped, with eyes squeezed shut.
Her body tingled, sensitive with pleasure. Digging her fingers into brown hair, Emma arched into the tongue working relentlessly around her clit and her whole body tensed, just as she —
— flopped heavily against the bed.
Emma groaned in frustration. She was on the brink of a good — no, scratch that — a really great orgasm, but it was like someone had suddenly doused her with water; her arousal was all but gone. To confirm her suspicions, she stroked two fingers along her vulva to check and came away moist at best, if she were generous with her assessment. She was pretty fucking sure she was wet enough to quench the Sahara not two seconds ago, but hey, what did she know? Lady parts work in strange and mysterious ways.
She prodded her unexcited clit through the clitoral hood moodily.
Still, feeling strangely calm and unperturbed for someone who just missed what would've been an awesome climax, Emma popped her fingers into her mouth and licked them clean absently. Wiggling her toes and swiping her leg lazily along the bed sheets — since when did Granny's B&B upgrade their bed sheets to this silky, high class stuff? — she sought the presence of her bedmate, but came up short.
It wasn't very classy, Emma thought decidedly, for someone who had her face between her legs to just up and leave the bed without so much as a word.
Fluttering her eyes open in anticipation of the bright overhead lights, Emma's snarky comment died in her throat as the darkness and unfamiliar surroundings immediately told her she wasn't even at the B&B anymore.
An overwhelming surge of pleasure suddenly coursed through Regina; her entire body was flushed, tense, and hot, and her vaginal muscles contracted rhythmically in response. Her hand was buried knuckle-deep in long, luxurious hair as she pressed her hips upward and rode the orgasm out with a groan. Normally, she would be much too sensitive for it, but the skilful tongue swirling around her clitoris somehow managed to avert the painful sensation she usually associated with any stimulation immediately after climaxing.
After a few long, timeless moments, Regina fell against the mattress and drew ragged breaths as warm lethargy stole over her body. Soft lips kissed and sucked reverently along her inner thigh, and Regina thoughtlessly stroked her fingers through the hair in her grasp.
Such was Regina's post-coital bliss that she didn't even begin to realise something was actually desperately wrong, at least, not until she opened her eyes to see Ruby's face looming into view.
Eyes widening, Regina bodily shoved Ruby off as hard as she could and scooted backward, her back hitting the headboard with a dull thud. She flinched at the coldness against her skin, but it paled in comparison to the light-headedness that assailed her and the thunderous pounding in her chest.
How did Ruby get into her bed?!
Queasiness immediately replaced warm contentment. She felt dirty and violated. What she had supposed was an acutely realistic erotic dream had turned out to be — this. Did she fall asleep without realising, and did Ruby somehow clamber into her bedroom to assault her in some sort of fitful werewolf lunacy? Rattled, Regina bit the inside of her cheek and fought the all-too-familiar surge of sickening dread.
Ruby grumbled. "The fuck, Emma?"
"E-Emma?"
Before her mind could conjure up a million more unpleasant home invasion scenarios — two-thirds of which would involve harm coming to Henry as well — she recovered from her stupor enough to realise a number of things: one, the voice coming out of her mouth did not belong to her; two, her hair was apparently now long enough again to get caught between her back and the headboard; and three, a quick glance around the room revealed that she was neither in her own bedroom nor was Emma present.
Regina pursed her lips into a frown and glanced down at her long blonde hair and unfamiliar, naked body. In all likelihood, somehow, someone with terrible timing had swapped her mind with Emma Swan's when she was having a romp in bed with, surprise, surprise, Ruby. The ugly dread she felt subsided by a small fraction. This wasn't...
She swallowed.
Her hands still shook. Nerves. She crossed her arms in front of her chest defensively, and instantly felt a little more grounded, a little less vulnerable. She considered the different possibilities: a triple swap, even if unlikely, wasn't impossible. She would have to call her own phone and confirm with whoever occupied her body to know for sure.
But before everything was sorted out, it would be best to keep it under wraps just in case. She was not about to explain to Ruby that she got Regina Mills off instead of Emma, either. What did the insufferable woman call Ruby again?
"Rubes," Regina said haltingly.
Ruby sat up, scowling, and ran a hand through her mussed hair. "The hell was that for?"
"I, uh — cramps," Regina improvised. Furrowing her brow like she was in pain was not particularly hard to fake.
"Oh, wow, really?" Ruby looked doubtful for a moment. "Was it that intense? From the orgasm, right? You had your period two weeks ago."
Regina's eye twitched. She did not need to know how intimately familiar they were with one another's menstrual cycles.
But since pre-menstrual cramps weren't going to fly, some ego-stroking would probably help her leave the room more quickly and with still a shred of dignity intact. No matter how you put it, she was still stark naked at the moment.
"Yes... it was that intense," Regina muttered unwillingly.
Though it was through no fault of Ruby's, Regina still felt wary in her presence. The idea that she had been assaulted in her own bed again was too much to bear. She was not looking forward to sleep that night.
Even more irritating was how, despite her immense personal discomfort, Regina could still feel the faint throbbing and twitching between her legs at irregular intervals. No doubt that would've been Emma's response if she were still in command of her own body, but all Regina wanted now was to be as far away from the whole situation as possible.
"I should go," Regina said. She chanced a glance at Ruby. Considering the confused, vaguely doubtful, but fairly mellow expression on her face, she would hazard a guess that Emma had already taken care of her needs, at least. Working her tongue against her teeth uncomfortably, Regina tried not to think too hard about the aftertaste in her mouth.
Mouthwash. She needed mouthwash.
"So soon? I could get you a couple of Tylenol from downstairs...?" Ruby looked at her softly, like she was trying to calm some small, spooked animal.
She was, in a way.
Ruby smiled, and reached out to run her hand along Regina's upper arm, tracing her bicep.
An unpleasant shudder ran through her, and Regina pushed down the urge to shrug off Ruby's touch or to hurl a couple of fireballs her way. "No, I don't think I should stay," she said firmly. She wasn't sure how far she could exaggerate her fake orgasm-induced cramps and decided not to push it. She patted Ruby's hand and removed it from her arm as she stood to gather her clothes.
Thank god for small mercies. It wasn't like she could ever mistake Ruby's red lace crotchless thong as Emma's. She snatched up the boyshorts that hung precariously on the edge of the bedside drawer.
"Alright then." A sigh.
Ruby sounded resigned, like it wasn't the first time Emma had done it before. And it probably wasn't, Regina concluded derisively. She put on her clothes, and other than a quick disdainful look at the blue leather jacket in her hands and a couple of graceless hops as she struggled with the tight jeans, she managed to look decent soon enough.
"The coming Tuesday, then?"
And in a moment of inspiration, Regina said, "No, I've got Henry next week."
"Right," Ruby said ruefully. "Sorry, I forgot."
Regina gave a noncommittal grunt as she tightened and buckled her belt. At least Emma wasn't sneaking out on their son at night for her little lesbian rendezvous. That would be unforgivable.
Patting her jacket, she felt the telltale bumps of a cell phone and a set of keys in her pockets. She should probably give Ruby a kiss before she left for the ruse to be remotely believable, but between the uncomfortable way the soaked boyshorts were clinging to her skin and that god-awful taste still in her mouth, it was already much more than she could handle.
"Bye," she said with finality.
After sneaking out of the B&B, Regina was pleased to see she had four missed calls on the phone. One or two might be from dear, precious Snow to her darling princess, but the likelihood that they were left by a panicky Emma Swan was much higher. Regina swiped her thumb across the screen and frowned. Huh, password protected. She figured Emma for a 'no lock' kind of person. Regina tried '1234' first, which didn't work, but then she had to let out a long-suffering sigh when she got in with her second attempt — '1983'.
Regina flicked the long mess of hair behind her back in annoyance as she checked the time. Just a bit past eleven. She dialed her own cell phone number, hoping Emma would at least have enough presence of mind to leave her phone on silent. They would not disrupt Henry's sleep on top of everything else.
Emma picked up on the first ring and greeted her with a mixture of trepidation and hopefulness, which sounded downright strange coming out in Regina's voice. "Hey, um, Regina...?"
"Yes, Ms. Swan," Regina said drolly. Double swap it was, then. There were worse people to occupy her body, all things considering. Even if she could've definitely done without the experience of sharing a bed with Ruby. Tendrils of the old, familiar dread entered the edge of her consciousness at the thought, and to keep her mind off things, Regina entertained herself for a moment by considered which declaration would most likely give Snow an aneurysm: 'Your daughter is sleeping with Red', 'Your furry best friend gave me an orgasm', or 'I've seen your daughter's naked body in bed'.
The last one, definitely.
"Holy shit, huh?" Emma chuckled nervously, and was appropriately cautious. Regina only had about ninety different and legitimate reasons to blow a gasket or two or three.
"Mm," Regina said impatiently. "Very perceptive of you."
It only served to make Emma even more nervous. She would've preferred an immediate angry outburst from Regina to an indefinite amount of eggshell-treading.
"So um, how are things on your end?" she blurted out. She winced as soon as the words left her mouth. That was probably the worst question she could ask, right after, 'Gee, did you enjoy the mind-blowing orgasm that I ended up missing?' and 'Haha, guess what, I accidentally tasted you right after we switched. Talk about weird, right?'
Silence stretched out for several long, aching seconds before Regina deigned to reply with a non sequitur:
"I'm coming over."
"Um, okay. I usually sneak back to the loft before it gets too late, but you can come over now. And hey, you know how to fix this, right?"
Regina ignored the question and said icily, "I don't need your permission to enter my own home, Ms. Swan." Emma cringed under Regina's reproach. Okay, she'd take it like a big girl — Regina had every right to be irritable, after all, even if it wasn't her fault she just happened to be having sex with Ruby. "And unlock the back door," Regina instructed. "I expect to see a bottle of mouthwash in your hand by the time I get there."
"Back door, gotcha." Emma paused for a moment in consternation. "But um, mouthwash? I don't think my breath's that bad or anyth — oh." Oh.
"'Oh' indeed," Regina said darkly.
Emma gulped, and silently thanked every higher power she could think of that she wasn't into rimming. Because she didn't want to imagine what Regina would do to her if — no, just no.
Thankfully oblivious to Emma's wild imagination, Regina continued, "Did you walk? I don't see any atrocious yellow eyesores anywhere."
"Yeah, um, we figured it would be too obvious," Emma said weakly.
"Right. Well. Ten minutes, Ms. Swan."