Carry You Home- James Blunt
As strong as you were, tender you go.
I'm watching you breathing for the last time.
A song for your heart, but when it is quiet,
I know what it means and I'll carry you home.
I'll carry you home.
Carla skulks along the empty streets silently, her feet laying foortprints in the freshly fallen snow. She sighs softly, knowing they will soon be hidden again. Like they were never there, never even existed. She wonders briefly if that is what would have happened had her suicide bid succeeded. Would she too have been erased from people's minds? Would their memories fade, the moments they had shared, times they had spent together? Her lovesr, her friends. Would they even notice she was absent?
She knew she should not even have let those thoughts enter mind after making so many promises of strength and better days to those she loves.
Strangely it is Michelle she worries most for. She remembers her heartbroken pleas in the pub and knows she shouldn't let herself hurt her in such a selfish way, not when it was her fault her friend had already lost so many special people.
Carla cannot help but think Peter would have a much happier exsitence if she were not lingering over him. She had been the cause of so much of his pain, so many of his problems. She loves him with every part of her but she knows she isn't good for him. If he was no longer tied to her through guilt, he'd be free to go back to Leanne. If she'd have him of course. Though Carla was almost certain that she would. He'd work his magic, flutter his lashes and she'd come running, Carla was sure of it.
The selfish part of her did hope he would mourn her though, openly and honestly. If only for a little while. She desperately hoped he would not return to drink again. That was his past, and she wanted for that not to become his future just because she messed up again.
She hears the words they whisper as she slips past them, hoping to go unnoticed, but knowing she is not that lucky. This was as normal as any other day since he had been set free and she had been labelled a home wrecker and cold hearted liar.
She is not not exactly sure when she made her decision, when she become so weak she depends only on the thing that had previously caused so much pain.
Her exit route from hell.
Still she stands at the counter of the Cabin and asks RIta sweetly for two of her strongest box of painkillers. Despite the fact few know of her failed attempt, she worries that people will see through her tough exterior and into her soul. Where she feels like a lost child, frightened and alone. She worries they'll guess the real reason for exses buying as the glass bottles rattle and clang together in the see-through plastic bag she clutches tightly.
RIta hands over the pills and Carla breathes a sigh of relief, paying quickly and leaving before she can bump into Dev, from whom she had just purchased enough alcohol to drown a fish.
Or worse still, Peter. She knew he would know instantly what she was going home to do, and she could never lie to him. She simply couldn't bare to see the look of despair in his eyes again. It would break her already shattered heart and she knew she wouldn't be able to go through with it if he caught her, pleaded with her. He could never understand the reasons for this weakness.
She runs across the road without even looking, ignoring the blasts of car horns that come her way. It seems that when someone has decided they no longer want to live, they stop doing the things that keep them alive. They stop fastening their seatbelts, holding onto hand rails, listening for traffic. Little things that keep you safe become so trivial when you know the true meaning of life and the pain it can bring.
Back in her flat, Carla turns on the radio, it hums gently in the background. She almost laughs at how normal it all was. She wanders around her flat in a daze, glancing at the photos staring back at her. She stops at one in paticular, a pained expression creases her face as she kisses Peter's face and then places it face down. It seems silly but she cannot bare to think of him watching her as she falls into a pit of alcohol enhanced destruction. Albeit the last she will ever face.
The reason she has lasted this long is because of him, she thinks. Carla isn't sure if she is grateful of this, however she doesn't regret a moment of their time together, this she knows. She texts him, a brief message and hopes she has been as normal as she usually would.
''Thinking of you, sorry for today. Love you always. Cx'' Carla knows these words will have more meaning when he discovers what she has done, but for now they simply refer to their cancelled plans.
Time is slipping past quickly, but Carla is reluctant to leave yet, wanting first to read the words from her lover that she knows will be the last they'll share. She wasn't expecting her phone to ring loudly against the coffee table, she hurriedly places the near empty bottle of red down, surprised at how much of the poisionous substance she has already consumed.
''Hello you'' She hopes she sounds better than she feels
''Hey baby'' He's happy, unaware of the destruction that is being caused at the other end of the phone, at least that's what Carla believes.
''I miss you'' He tells her softly, asking how her meeting with 'Chelle and the client went. Carla flinches at the sound of her friend's name, knowing the pain she was leaving behind. She responds by telling him that she felt unwell so she stayed at home in bed and quickly refuses his offer to come and hold her for a while.
''I'm really tired babe, me head feels like some nutter is hitting it with a hammer, maybe I'll just head to bed'' She lies, knowing bed is the last place she was going.
''If you're sure love, see you soon?''
''You bet'' she replies, fighting back tears.
''You know I love you right?'' His voice is loving, safe, soothing and causes her to choke back a sob. She fails to pick up on the worry in his voice and he forgets to mention that he has just returned from Dev's.
''Ditto baby'' She whispers then hangs up the phone as tears finally fall down her face softly.
As soon as the call has ended Peter is pulling on his coat and ordering a taxi. He knew she had been drinking and was worried as to why she was trying to hide it so fiercely.
Carla is sat on the floor of her kitchen, legs crossed like a little girl, pills spread out neatly around her. She jumps when she hears a loud knock at her door, and fumbles around to pick up the pills, knowing it is now or never,
''Car, Car baby, let me in. It's okay, I know you're drinking, let me help you darling'' He pleads with her from the other side of the door.
''Fuck'' She mumbles under her breath. She swigs a sip of wine and steadies her self againt the counter, not even flinching when she knocks the bottle from the side and it smashes loudly at her feet. Now he fears the worst as he uses all his strength to break the door down, hearing his heart shatter at the sight in front of him.
''Carla!'' He shouts in fear. He knocks her hand and sends the dozens of pills flying across the floor. ''No! No!'' Carla screetches, knowing she cannot deal with the ache in her heart for another moment.''Now look what you've done! I need them! Peter I need them!"
''No you don't Car, you can't leave me'' he whispers in anguish.
Carla had worked herself up into a frenzy as she tries to pick up the pills that lay scattered across her kitchen floor.
''Carla..'' Peter wraps his arms around her waist as she throws her limbs around in an attack of anger. ''Let me go Peter! I want to die! I just want to die!'' Her words tear into his soul as he knows she truly does. Right then, in that moment, he just isn't enough to make her want to live another minute longer. And he knows if he were to walk away right now, he'd never see her again.
Her hands thud against him but he doesn't move. He lets her fight it out until she is too tired to carry on and collapses in a heap on the floor. He pulls her tightly in his arms, providing a sheild from her hellish world for a brief few hours. And she cries into his chest. He holds her all night, long after she had fallen asleep, exhausted. He doesn't close his eyes for more than a moment, he just feels her chest move agianst his, her breath against his skin, knowing for now, he has won the battle.
''Don't leave me Car'' He whispers into her soft, raven hair. Tears lingering on his cheeks ''Please don't ever leave me baby''
A/N Please, please, please review. I have a couple of chapters of this planned if people are interested, if not I'll leave it as it is. :-)