I normally don't write parodies so this may not be my best work. Also, I am unsure whether or not this qualifies as a story. I tried to add a plot to it. Also the rating may go up for some violence and swearing. I was bored and I started thinking about the Honey Badger video and how badass the Wolfguard League is. Badass=Honey Badger=Wolfguard. Some characters may be OOC.
Credit goes to Randall for making the video
I don't own Fire Emblem, but I do have a cousin who works for Nintendo…
Prologue
"Alright, that's the plan. Any questions?" Hardin said, looking around the table of his soldiers: Wolf, Sedgar, Vyland, and Roshea.
"Sir." They all answered in unison, nodding their heads.
Hardin rolled up the map that was sprawled out for the meeting and handed it to Wolf. "Very well then. Get going. I await good news."
Unbeknownst to them, Malledus and Jagen were standing outside the fortress and waited for the Wolfguard to sneak out on another mission. Malledus seemed eager like a fourteen-year-old Prince Marth, while Jagen on the other hand was certain that the tactician was going crazy.
"Ah, there they go, Jagen! Come, let's follow them." Malledus was already taking off. Jagen sighed and unwillingly followed behind.
RETIREDTACTICIAN PRESENTS: THE CRAZY NASTYASS WOLFGUARD LEAGUE
Jagen holds a camera (don't ask me how he got it) and aims it at the Wolfguard members. Malledus is the narrator.
Malledus: This is the Wolfguard. Watch them run in slow motion.
Sedgar stops running and picks his head up upon hearing Malledus.
Sedgar: Er, what?
Malledus: They're pretty badass.
Sedgar: Um, thanks?
Malledus (whisper): No! Continue as you were. Ahem, look they run all over the place.
The Wolfguard members run so fast, they almost crash into Ogma.
Ogma: Whoa! Watch out!
Malledus: Ew, they killed a Manakete! Oh, they're chasing an army! Oh my gosh! Oh the Wolfguard is just craazzzyyy.
Roshea: Vyland, I have a feeling someone's watching us.
Vyland: Shush! You're gonna give us away.
Malledus: The Wolfguard has been said to be the most fearless elite group in all of Aurelis. They really don't give a shit. If they want to fight, they fight.
Sedgar shoots down a Pegasus knight. Blood pours down like rain. Malledus is repulsed.
Malledus: Ew, what's that on the ground?
Roshea stabs a wyvern and pulls it to the ground with his lance.
Malledus: Oh they got a dragon?
Wolf: Back to headquarters!
Malledus: Oh they run backwards? Oh wow.
Malledus runs behind the Wolfguard until they reach a tree. Jagen, out of breath, stumbles onto the ground, barely able to hold the camera straight.
Malledus: Now look. There's an archer in the tree. You think the Wolfguard cares? They don't give a shit. They just…
Wolf covers the camera lens with his hand.
Wolf: Do you mind? We're on a mission.
Malledus: I'll be quiet then.
Wolf: Good. Sedgar, take him out.
Sedgar fires an arrow and the archer falls from the tree. There is a sick, crunching sound as his bones break. Malledus grimaces.
Malledus: Ew, they brutally kill people.
Vyland and Roshea dig a hole to bury the corpse.
Malledus: Watch them dig. Look at that digging.
The Wolfguard members stop for a moment and stare at Malledus.
Malledus: What?
Malledus continues on with his documentary.
Malledus: The Wolfguard is really pretty badass. They have no regard for any enemy whatsoever. Look at them, they're just sneaking around and killing people.
Roshea: It sounds evil when he says it like that.
Sedgar: Quiet, Roshea!
Roshea: *whimper*
Wolf decapitates a Manakete and holds the head in his hand, ready to throw it at Malledus.
Malledus: Ew, what's that? A Manakete head? Oh that's nasty. Ugh they're so nasty.
Wolf: *facepalm*
As they continue to run, Malledus urges Jagen to keep moving, though the paladin is obviously going to let his legs give out soon.
Malledus: Now the Wolfguard members have strong armor, and well, they're accurate with the bow and arrow and their swordplay. And they move stealthily, allowing them to go undetected…
Jagen (panting): Malledus…
Malledus: What?
Jagen: They left.
Malledus: Fffffuuu…..
Malledus and Jagen finally find them again in front of a fort. The action already begun, but Malledus still attempts to narrate.
Malledus: Now here's a fort full of Macedonian dragon riders. You think the Wolfguard cares? They don't give a shit. They go right in and start butchering all of them to feed Aurelis because Aurelians are hungry little bastards.
Roshea pauses his onslaught and turns to face Malledus, anger written on his face.
Roshea: Aurelians are NOT like that! And besides, that's not why we're killing the dragons. We're killing them because…ow!
Wolf approaches Roshea and slaps him upside the head.
Wolf: Don't tell him what we're doing here.
Roshea: Oh, right.
Malledus continues, much to the dismay of the Wolfguard.
Malledus: Look at them, they're getting hit with axes like a thousand times! They don't give a shit. Nothing can stop the Wolfguard from fighting Macedonians in their country. What crazy f*cks!
Wolf motions to the rest of his team and they leave the fort (stealthily of course) with all the Macedonian bodies in a bloody heap.
Malledus: Now look, they're running in slow motion again. What's interesting is that other people, like these Archanean League members, just wait for the Wolfguard to finish the fighting so they can take the credit for themselves. They're all like "You do all the fighting for us and we'll just capture the countries. How's that sound? Whaddya say, stupids?"
Jagen: Hold up, Malledus.
Malledus (angry): What is it this time, Jagen?
Jagen: You know that everyone here works together equally to free these nations. And aren't you a part of the League as well?
Malledus: …I'm just a tactician. Let me continue! And you know what? Princess Nyna does this too! She's all like, "Thanks, stupids, thanks for freeing my country. See ya later."
Nyna is standing afar and talking to the Wolfguard.
Nyna: You all fought wonderfully and gave me my country back. I am eternally grateful for your actions.
Sedgar: It was no problem, as long as Archanea is free.
Wolf: We just did what Coyote and Prince Marth told us to do.
The scene switches to night as the Wolfguard is on, yet, another mission. Malledus and a dying Jagen follow behind.
Malledus: At nighttime, the Wolfguard goes sneaking around again because they're on a mission. Look! Here comes a fierce battle between the Wolfguard and ten Macedonians. I wonder what will happen.
Jagen: They're gonna win.
Malledus: Shut up! You're going to spoil it all.
A battle ensues between the Macedonians and the Aurelians. Already a fourth of the Macedonians are slain. Malledus talks for the Macedonians.
Malledus: "Get away from me!" say the soldiers. "Get away!" The Wolfguard don't care. The Wolfguard just starts smacking the shit out of them. Then the Macedonians come and lash out at them. Oh, little does the Wolfguard know, FYI, they've been wounded! They've been cut open by the Macedonians! So while they're fighting, their blood is seeping through their clothes.
Vyland: I'm getting sick of this guy.
Sedgar: Just ignore him, Vyland. He'll stop eventually.
Soon all the Macedonians are dead and the Wolfguard returns back to the camp, dripping blood. It is then that they notice their wounds. They slowly lay on the ground and fall into a comatose state.
Malledus: All their blood is pouring out their wounds and they pass out. Look at those sleepy f*cks. Now they're going to pass out for a bit but…
Jagen passes out too, but Malledus shakes his head and continues to narrate. Soon, the Wolfguard members begin to open their eyes.
Malledus: Then they get up and return back to camp because they're restless little bastards.
Roshea: Ugh, what happened?
Sedgar: I think we passed out.
Vyland: What the… I don't remember getting these wounds!
Wolf: Come on, men. We have to make it back to camp. We'll get our wounds treated then.
As they run off, Malledus drags an unconscious Jagen and holds the camera himself.
Malledus: Look they just get up like nothing happened at all! (Subliminal) Unlike this guy…
He points the camera at Jagen.
Malledus: And of course, what does the Wolfguard have to kill for the next two weeks? Macedonians. The Wolfguard.
"Now, how do we turn this contraption off?" Malledus began examining the camera, but it fell out of his hands and smashed into a million pieces on the ground. "NOO!" Malledus fell to his knees in deep anguish. The tips of Jagen's lips quirked upward into a smile.
Meanwhile, back at the camp, Hardin praised his men for their accomplishments.
"Good work, men." He said. "Your accomplishments benefit the army well."
"Well, it would have been much easier if that Altean tactician wasn't watching our every move." Roshea grumbled.
"He was really a nuisance." Vyland commented. "Almost gave away our every move."
"Speaking of which, where is he now? And that paladin?" Sedgar wondered.
"Don't know, don't care. I'm just glad they're out of our hair." Roshea joked. All the others nodded their heads in agreement while Hardin just stared at them confused. In the end, he decided that it would be best not to ask about it, at least until Marth would begin to wonder where in the world his tactician went.