Hello peeps! And welcome to my first ever Avengers fic! This is a complete ripoff of something on the Percy Jackson fandom, but the author said you could use the idea, so, uh, yeah. I honestly have no idea how this will turn out, really. And a few things before we start: One, I haven't seen the second Captain America movie, and so have no idea of what Sam Wilson is like, and so he will not be in this chapter. However, I plan to see the movie this weekend, and he should be included in the next. Two: I am a rabid Scarlet Vision shipper. Like, insane OTP syndrome. Three: I am not currently using my normal computer, and may make mistakes because the keyboard is different. It will be back to normal next update. Four: I am aware that Tony, Clint and Thor left the Avengers. Pretend they didn't. Bruce is still lost.
Steve sat at the kitchen table, frowning. This had gone on too lomg. Tony had completely taken taken advantage of the Avengers Facility's lack of rules, and was trolling everyone relentlessly. And it was getting annoying. In the past weekhe had been wasabi'd, frisbee'd and locked in a closet (Among other things). And so here he was, at five in the morning, in the kitchen eating a pear and writing a list of the stupidest rules ever created by man, (And giving examples of when they were created, to prove to other possible future Avengers, and other random visitors to the facility he wasn't being a paranoid idiot, and this stuff actually happened.) or woman, or god, or android, or... You get the idea. He picked up his blue pen, and started to write in a rather nice cursive:
Things You Are Absolutely Banned From Doing In The Avengers Facility (This is for you, Tony.)
Rule 1: Do not replace the filling of Thor's poptarts with wasabi.
Thor walked into the kitchen. He was hungry; training had taken a lot out of him. Steve made them run five laps of the field surrounding the Facility as training. His legs were all achy. (It was a big field, okay!) He could really use some poptarts right about now. He grabbed the box, opened it and pulled out a pink-iced (frosted, for you Americans out there) tart. He took a huge bite, chewed, and wait a second. This wasn't strawberry filling! Then the full 'wasabi effect' kicked in. Thor screamed, clutching his face. "My nose! It burns!"
The other Avengers walked in, curious to see what was happening. They found Thor clutching his nose and screaming that it burned. Tony barely supressed a snigger, but held it back. Wouldn't want anyone to suspect him. Meanwhile, Thor was staring at his tart suspiciously. "What is this green substance? It is not strawberry filling!"
Steve walked over. He took the tart from Thor, frowning slightly. Maybe it was just a lime one? It was common knowledge that Thor didn't like lime. He curiously took a bite... And reacted the exact same way, screaming and running around the kitchen. What was this monstrosity of food? Natasha sighed and walked over, grabbing the poptart and looking at it curiously. "Guys? Somebody filled the poptart with wasabi."
She was met with two completely blank looks. "What?" Steve looked utterly baffled.
"It's a kind of Japanese sauce. You put it on sushi."
The two just looked more confused. "What is this 'sushi' you speak of?" asked Thor.
"It's a food. From Japan, which is a country here on Earth. I suppose it wouldn't be in Asgard, and seeing as America was in the middle of a war with Japan in the 40s, I guess their food wouldn't be too popular then either."
Steve nodded. "Alright, listen up! The first rule of the Avengers Facility: All wasabi is banned from the property, and will not come within a kilometre of the place! Also, I will find whoever did this and I... Have no idea, but I'll think of something!" He gave Tony an evil, suspicious look.
Tony grinned. This was going well.
Rule 2: Captain America's shield is not a Frisbee, and will not be used as such.
Steve walked into his room. There was nothing like a little training before lunch. He was planning to grab Vision and see if his mind-stone-laser-thing could destroy it. Vision had done some calculations and was pretty certain it couldn't, so Steve was fairly confident his beloved weapon wouldn't be blasted into oblivion. He walked towards the cupboard where he usually kept it, and found it completely empty. He knew who had done this. Oh, yes. He ran downstairs and found Thor.
"Thor! Have you seen Tony?"
Thor nodded. "Indeed I have. He and Clint are in the training room downstairs."
Steve muttered something angry under his breath and walked off. He took the elevator down to floor -2 and there he found Clint and Tony. Clint was holding the shield, and flung it towards Tony. It glided perfectly, like a really good Frisbee. Tony caught it easily. Steve stormed in. "What are you doing?!"
Tony gave him a look. "Frisbee. Obviously."
Steve pinched the bridge of his nose in aggravation. "Second rule of the Avengers Facility: Nobody uses my shield as a frisbee."
Rule Three: Do not play 'Black Widow' by Iggy Azalea every time Natasha walks into the room.
Natasha strolled into the sitting room. Sam and Rhodey were playing Scrabble in the corner. Tony was doing something on his phone. Suddenly, music started up.
I'm gonna love you
Until you hate me
Now I'm gonna show you
What's really crazy
You shoulda known better
Than to mess with me harder
I'm gonna love you
Gonna love you
Gonna love you
Like a black widow baby
The same thing happened for the next three days. Every time Natasha walked into a room that Tony was also in, The song would play on a loop until she left. And boy, was it annoying. Finally, she walked into the kitchen at three a.m. to grab a drink. There, in front of the sink, was Tony. And, as usual, the song started.
I'm gonna love you
Unti-
Natasha threw a vase at Tony's head.
Tony did not attempt this again.
Rule Four: The Vision is not Tony's child and will not be referred to as Tony jr.
Tony sat at the kitchen table, facing Steve. Steve glanced at his watch. "Hey, Tony?"
"Yeeeeesss?" he replied, drawing out the 'yes'.
"It's nearly time for training, can you grab Rhodey, Natasha, Thor and Vision? I'll get everyone else."
"Sure," replied Tony. This was the perfect time to continue his trolling. So he called Rhodey, Natasha and Thor, before making his way up to Vision's room. The android was sitting on his bed reading something. (Tony didn't know why he needed a bed, the guy didn't exactly sleep, but he had one anyway.) "Hey, Tony jr?"
Vision looked up, frowning slightly. "Sorry?"
"Well, Tony jr, Cap wants you downstairs for training?"
"Why are you referring to me as Tony jr, exactly?"
"Well, I have come to the conclusion that, as Ultron and I created you, you are therefore, sort of, my child. And I've always wanted to name a kid after me."
"I am sorry, Mr Stark, but that is not my name. Perhaps if you created a new AI system you could name it after yourself. Or you could alternatively have an actual child." And with that he levitated out the door. And shot a laser at Tony's head just so he got the point. (Steve groaned, remembering how much he had to pay to fix that wall.)
Tony scowled. "Oh, fine, I won't call you Tony jr. But don't think this is over! I shall nickname you yet!" Then the two of them went downstairs to train.
Rule Five: Wanda is not an actual witch; therefore do not buy her a broom, pointy hat and a cat.
Wanda sat at the kitchen table, eating toast, trying not to crash in her cereal bowl like she did five minutes ago. (She was tired.) Suddenly, Tony burst in dramatically. Wanda looked up. "Good morning."
"Wanda! Here, to congratulate you on your new hero name, I got you something." Wanda sighed. This was going to go badly. She could tell. Tony grinned almost evilly. She would have used telekinesis to figure out what he was doing, but she was too tired. Tony grabbed a bag she hadn't noticed before from the corner. He grabbed the contents and flung them on the table. It was a pointy black hat with a red ribbon and a broomstick. Then he dashed out and returned with a cat box. It was squeaking suspiciously. So that was the weird noise that had kept her up all night. Tony placed it on the table, opened it, and out walked, of all things, a cat. It was black, green-eyed and short. Very short.
Wand stood up and walked out of the kitchen. "I'm going back to bed."
"Aw, c'mon! Can you at least name him?"
"No."
"I'll pay for his food!"
"I am not keeping him."
"Pleeasse?" The cat added a miaow for effect. Wanda sighed. He was cute. (The cat, to clarify. Not Tony.) And if Tony was paying... And really, she was too tired to argue.
"Fine."
Tony grinned. "So, what'll you call him?"
Wanda regarded him for a second. "Calvin." She picked him up, starting to walk away. "Now I am going to bed. And no, I will not, under any circumstances, ever wear that hat. Or use the broom."
Tony shrugged. It had gone surprisingly well. He hadn't gotten terrifying revenge hallucinations or milk dumped on his head using telekinesis. He did, however, get the pointy hat instead. And now he had to pay for cat food for the forseeable future.
Dammit.
Rule Six: Do not lock the Avengers in a closet.
Steve strolled down the hallway, whistling some random tune. The last thing he was expecting was to feel the smack of a frying pan smashing into his head. But he did. He was just able to register extreme annoyance before everything went all dark.
When he opened his eyes again, everything was still dark. However, he could hear breathing. He was leaning against something that felt like wood, and something that felt like clothes was brushing against his face. It was also very cramped. There were bodies squished up against his.
" Hello? Anyone awake?" he asked.
"Yes." That sounded like Thor. From that Steve figured it was Thor, and that he was one of the three bodies he was surrounded by.
"And me." Sam, who he was not pressed against. "Anyone know where the heck we are?"
"It appears to be Tony's closet." (Vision.)
"Whoever is touching my butt, stop it." (Natasha.)
"My hand is being squashed by Steve. I would move it if I could." (Wanda)
"Sorry." (Steve.)
"So, how the hell are we getting out of Tony's closet? Anyone got any weapons?" (Rhodey.)
Everyone discovered that their weapons had been taken by Tony before he stuffed them in the closet. Damn it.
Clint gave the door an experimental kick. It vibrated a bit, but nothing major happened. "Locked," he muttered, irritated.
"Well," answered Steve," What if we all kicked it? I mean, everyone who can, and won't hurt anyone else while doing it."
And so they did. It took a while, but the door eventually gave way with a very satisfying splintering noise. They all tumbled out, before going off to remove the splinters the pieces of closet had made. It was a rather painful afternoon. But the pain of splinters was nothing to what Tony felt when he had to pay $4,500 to replace his mahogany vintage closet. Not to mention all the suits, and $300 in medical bills after several Avengers ended up in A&E having to get splinters removed. And he had to buy cat food too.
Rule Seven: Do not show Thor Nyan Cat.
Thor stared at the computer screen. A grey cat with a poptart for a body was flying through space, trailing a rainbow. "What is this?! It appears to be the Earth creature known as 'cat', but it has a tart of pop as a body! And it is using the rainbow bridge to travel to Asgard!" he gasped. "It is a demon! Do not fear, people of Asgard, I, Thor, son of Odin, shall save you!" He pulled out Mjolnir and smashed the computer. (Steve had too pay for that too.)
Rule Eight: Do not make a fake Mjolnir and trick Thor into thinking you've lifted it.
Tony cackled like Dr. Frankenstein. He had succeeded. After many minutes of work, he had created a perfect replica of Mjolnir, made of normal earth wood and metal, very lightweight and liftable. He swaggered down to the training room, hiding behind a pot plant so Thor would not see him. He would be finished training in a second. Tony watched as he strolled down the corridor, Mjolnir-less. He waited until he had gone, before checking the training room to make sure it was there and that Vision didn't have it. The hammer was sitting innocently on a table. Tony didn't think hammers could look innocent, but Mjolnir pulled it off rather well. Tony, grasping the replica, turned around and dashed down the hall to catch up with Thor.
"Thor!" he called.
"Yes?"
"You forgot this." Tony handed him fake Mjolnir.
That is how Thor ended up in A&E for the second time that week after fainting and knocking his head against the floor as an added injury bonus. Tony had to pay for those medical bills too. (Thor was fine and made a full recovery.)
Rule Nine: Do not hide everyone's deodorant.
Training was finished. Everyone was tired, sweaty and hungry. They all decided to just change clothes, probably put on deodorant, then have dinner before having an actual wash. Steve looked through his drawer, before discovering something horrifying: all his deodorant was gone. He put his shirt on, before going around the rooms to see if anyone had borrowed it. (Which was gross, but he had triple-checked his own room and couldn't think of anything else that might have happened to it.) As it turned out, everyone else's had 'mysteriously' disappeared as well. Tony had gone downstairs to order pizza (Because it was his turn to cook, and he could not cook if his life depended on it.), so everyone had no choice but to go down and confront him about it.
Tony was innocently eating a slice of hawaiian pizza at the table. "Oh, hey." He frowned slightly. "You guys smell kinda sweaty. No offense or aything. Did you all lose your deodorant or something?"
The next day he found that his had mysteriously gotten lost as well. And that nobody had it. And that it had been sent to an obscure Pacific island. And that nobody would lend him theirs.
Rule Ten: Do not cover the floor of Wanda's room with cups of water. It makes sense in context. Really.
Tony crept into Wanda's room, looking in. She was asleep, conveniently. Outside he had one of those machines that hold water and plastic cups. He crept in, holding two full cups of water in each hand, placing them on the ground by the bed, praying she wouldn't wake up. Wanda wasn't known for sleeping particularly well. Today luck was on his side, however, and he managed to cover the entire floor with cups of water, with absolutely no room between them. Now for phase two. He quietly opened the closet door and snuck in. Now the waiting began. He looked through the keyhole. This would take timing that would only work if he could see what was happening.
Wanda woke up about half an hour later. She yawned. She'd slept better than usual last night. She sat up, yawned again, and swung her feet out of bed. They came into contact with something wet and plastic-y. She frowned, conjuring a ball of red sparks which dimly lit the room. The floor was covered in plastic cups, all full of water. Stark... She would get him back for this later. Now, she had to get these cups out of her room, and into... Somewhere. Maybe the bath. Then she could get rid of them. She shut her eyes, gathering her concentration. The cups glowed with red energy, floating towards the ceiling like lanterns or traffic lights or something. Suddenly, Tony burst out of the closet.
"BOO!"
Wanda jumped, concentration breaking. The cups tumbled to the ground, splashing her and Tony, seeping in through the floorboards.
In the room below, Steve was awoken by something dripping through the ceiling onto his face. Using telekinesis to lift cups of water, and using cups of water to prank people, was forever banned from the Avengers Facility.
Ta-daaaaaah! I hope you enjoyed, and please review.