Leliana felt the cold mountain wind bite her face, and felt that she was no longer alone in her tent.
"I'd have expected you to be the one in furs, Nightingale," a familiar voice said. "You'd have done it justice, even the Empress herself would follow the fashion."
The Spymaster turned to see the Hero of Ferelden, former Warden-Commander and Arlessa of Amaranthine, Queen Lucilla Theirin nee Cousland. A lot of names for a woman with a lot of roles, she thought.
"Who would have thought that my frilly Orlesian bard would work in such Spartan conditions?" the Queen said, noting the austere simplicity of the bard's tent and armor. "That gorgeous body underneath all that drab chain and hood, writing letters on unscented parchment. A pity."
The Queen lifted her hood and, for the first time in ten years, saw the face of the woman she once loved. Lucilla, who was wearing a rich dark dress, was still beautiful, still elegant, still the regal noblewoman that had fought the Blight. But the duties she carried had written lines under her eyes and added a hint of grey in her dark hair.
"What could a lowly seneschal do for the Grey Queen?" Leliana greeted her coldly, but she regretted it immediately. "Why are you here?"
Lucilla smiled and answered in a singsong voice. "Warden business, the full nature of which I'm still to discover. Usual things to do with mysterious Warden stuff. I had to leave my beloved King and country behind, which is rather sad, don't you think? But Haven's on the way, so I decided to drop by."
"You can drop the act, Majesty," Leliana answered, still unsmiling. "Why are you here?"
Lucilla responded gravely. "I was on my way north. The Calling has come far too soon for me and my King. There also are troubling signs among the Fereldan Wardens, and disturbing news from our Orlesian brethren. I'm almost sure there's something gravely wrong, but I can't tell you more. And it goes without saying that all of this must remain between the two of us only. But when I heard about the Conclave, I knew I had to see you first."
"The Maker sure has a cruel sense of humor, leading you back here in Haven," Leliana said.
"Haven has always been very special," Lucilla remarked. "I'd have you remember that once upon a time, you were happy in Haven."
Leliana smiled at the memory: she was expressing awe at the marvelous architecture of the Temple when Lucilla kissed her. The two had excused themselves from their companions after defeating the cultists and securing the Ashes. Lucilla had then confided in Leliana that she had found love unexpectedly in her dark journey, and was thankful to Andraste and the Maker for leading her in the arms of her beloved bard.
Lucilla capitalized on Leliana suddenly lost in her memories. "I love you," she said softly. "I still love you. Always."
"But you left," Leliana whispered lovingly. "You left me and married him."
"Don't be melodramatic, my sweet, the Queen's Orlesian lover was quite the scandal here and in Orlais," Lucilla chuckled as she moved closer towards Leliana. "Some people even suggested that you were the paramour of the King and Queen both. And the King was quite alright with it. But for our marriage, well, he… understood. We both know that our eternal partnership is for the greater good of the country."
"Right," Leliana said, mirth in her voice. "You always had a way with people, with him, with me. You even tricked the two of us to bed you."
"I did indeed," Lucilla said before kissing her. "Don't you know how much he enjoyed it? And you did, too, otherwise you wouldn't have sought the royal bedchambers as often as you did. My, but you look as beautiful as ever. You haven't aged a day. No grey in your hair, no lines on your face. It's as if I'm back all those years ago."
Neither Lucilla nor Leliana knew who had pushed the other towards the small cot in the tent, but they did not care. It was as if the last decade never happened, and they were back in their own tent in a campsite somewhere on the road. They fumbled with each other's clothes—Lucilla with Leliana's mail tunic, Leliana with Lucilla's robes and the armor beneath. Their hands sought the forbidden valleys and hills of each other's bodies, desperate for each other. Lucilla nibbled on Leliana's earlobes as her hands went between the other woman's legs, and what a joy it was for the Queen to hear her Nightingale moan softly until she climaxed. And before the Queen knew it, her bard suddenly inserted a finger inside her, and she had to put both her hands at her mouth to stifle her pleasure.
Exhausted, Leliana and Lucilla fell in a tangle of limbs, smiling at each other, lost in each other's eyes.
But it was Lucilla who broke the spell after what seemed like an eternity. "Something changed in you after killing Marjolaine," she whispered as she held Leliana. "Something broke, and was lost. And I'm so sorry for my part in that."
"Is that why you're here, Majesty?" Leliana said, suddenly icy. She tried to push against Lucilla's bosom, but Lucilla held her closer. "Some sort of sick inquisition on my choices? Will you judge me now for what I'm doing, after what you yourself have done? Assassinating your rivals and silencing dissenters through Maker knows what means."
"No," Lucilla said softly. "You're the one running the Inquisition, not me. I'm not here for an accounting of hard decisions that we should live with. You did what you had to do to secure yourself, to secure her power and safety. You did what you did because you thought that she would lead the world to a better path, and I admire you both. I'm here because… I know what she meant to you, and I have a fair idea what she wanted you to do. And I thought, before I go, that I should visit you first."
"She was my mentor and my savior," Leliana said, stung. What was it about this woman that made her lose all composure and reduce her to her softer, younger self? And how dare the Grey Queen open old wounds—she who chose King and country over love. And why was she even thinking about such foolish sentimentality? "She loved me in ways that you never could. And she never had to charm her way into my bed."
"What you did, you did because you loved her," Lucilla answered. "Believe me, Leliana, I understand. I knew enough to recognize that you weren't doing it as a mere job. I'm sure you loved her, because you left my side, to do things for her."
"I thought you know I left because Alistair asked me to?" Leliana alleged. "Didn't he tell you that after I left? So that he could finally have his beloved Queen to himself. Didn't he have a speech of eternal love and adoration for you?"
"My dear, I taught Alistair how to lie and keep a steady face in front of the Landsmeet," Lucilla countered, a smile on her face. "No. As much as Alistair loves me, and I him, it's not… it's not the same. He did give a speech about enduring fealty and companionship, which he lives up to. He is my best friend, and I his. He knows I went to you, and he understands why. No queen, no woman in my position, could ask for a better husband."
"You've fallen in love with him," Leliana said. It was not a question.
"I won't tell you what you know," Lucilla replied. "But Leliana, my sweet Nightingale, my Andraste's grace, this is not why I'm here. I've sought you because I wanted to see you again. I wanted to know how you were, after what happened to her."
"Is it still hard for you to say her name, Lucilla?" Leliana probed. "I can say Alistair's name all night."
"Do you want me to speak her name?"
"Were you ever jealous of her? I was never jealous of Alistair."
"You lie," Lucilla said, tracing Leliana's face with her forefinger. "You were always jealous of him and the country. You resented me for my ambition and position. You wanted to see the world with me at your side, always. You wanted passion, friendship and companionship, but I couldn't give you that because it's not to Alistair himself that I'm married to. It's my duty."
"I had to leave you," Leliana said. "It was the truth, what Alistair told you, or part of it. He and Ferelden should have you without any frivolous distractions. The Queen's secret Orlesian lover was causing so much havoc among your nobility, despite all the goodwill during and after the Blight and Amaranthine. People feared undue foreign influence. If I hadn't left, you would have seen complications, and you know it."
"I know," Lucilla whispered, and kissed Leliana's hair. "That is why I am eternally grateful to you. You helped secure my throne. Your last great deed for me before… leaving. And as much as it made me jealous, I was happy that you found her. That you loved her, and she loved you truly, something I could never do in this lifetime."
Leliana snuggled in Lucilla's bosom and closed her eyes. She allowed the Grey Queen's voice to soothe her weary soul.
"I knew what she meant to you," Lucilla said tenderly. "Before you served her, you opposed vehemently to killing young Connor Guerrin, a known abomination who wreaked so much havoc. But I heard your later dealings. I knew of her dissenters, and how they after a while they were silent, or silenced. I did not have to guess hard, Left Hand."
Leliana felt so secure in Lucilla's arms, as safe and warm as she was all those years ago.
"Allow yourself to weep, my sweet," Lucilla murmured. "It's all right to mourn her. Mourn for as long as you wish, whenever you wish, whenever you can, but do not lose your faith now. She would not have that so, I am sure of it. Didn't she leave you a vital task, knowing what was likely to happen? She was a great woman, Dorothea, even before she was Divine Justinia V."
One, two, three, a river of fat tears flowed from Leliana's eyes. Lucilla stroked her former lover's hair and then wept silently herself. She loved Leliana, and always would, even as she would concede to love her husband as well.
Life and love were kind and cruel at the same time, both women thought.
Leliana did not know what time she had woken, but Lucilla was gone. A small sprig of Andraste's Grace was on top of a pile of reports on her desk, and a note bearing a single word: Goodbye.