SIRIUS BLACK: User Guide and Manual

by Charm Caster1127

CONGRATULATIONS! You've just invested in a SIRIUS BLACK unit! In order to ensure that you, the owner, get the best of your unit while keeping all your extremities, we've taken the liberties of writing this manual, and strongly suggest that you read it before attempting to handle your unit.

SIRIUS BLACK: User Guide and Manual

CONGRATULATIONS! You've just invested in a SIRIUS BLACK unit! In order to ensure that you, the owner, get the best of your unit while keeping all your extremities, we've taken the liberties of writing this manual, and strongly suggest that you read it before attempting to handle your unit.

Technical Specifications:

Name: SIRIUS BLACK. Will also reply to 'Padfoot', 'Black', 'Pads', 'Paddy' and negitavely to 'Mutt', Fleebag', 'Blood-Traitor'

Age: 36

Place of Manufacture: London, England

Height: 5'10"

Weight: 145 lbs

Your SIRIUS BLACK unit comes with the following accessories:

One (1) ACDC t-shirt

One (1) pair of black slim cut jeans

One (1) Gryffindor Hogwarts uniform

One (1) 10 ¾ inch cherry wand with pegas feather core

One (1) Flying Motorcycle

Two (2) quidditch-patterned boxers

Programming:

Your SIRIUS BLACK unit is equipped with the following traits:

Band Member/Solo Performer: You in need of a singer or guitarist? Whether it be for your band or for a solo deal, SIRIUS BLACK is the guy for you! We're going to be biased and say that, since your unit is a Marauder, he's automatically a great singer and a great guitarist; he can also play drums and keyboard, and has a knack for other instruments as well. He looks great on camera, which is a major up, and he'll rake in the cash from the moment you put him on stage.

Massage Therapist: SIRIUS BLACK's got sinful hands, after all - what better use for them than at a spa? If you get him a job as a massage therapist, you'll soon have a steady stream of cash from the long, long list of clientele he's sure to accumulate in the first week or two, and your unit will be better-tempered as a result of his calming occupation. Plus, you'll get to see him in tight black clothes more often!*

Bouncer: Believe it or not, your unit's grin can be extremely intimidating. Just set him outside and watch him scare away everyone underage! Please note that SIRIUS BLACK is notorious for accepting bribes; as such, any damage done to underaged persons is your responsibility.

Quidditch Chaser: Gryffindor didn't win the house cup for no reason, after all. Your unit is great at quidditch, and quick to challenge other units. Please note that SEVERUS SNAPE and REGULUS BLACK may hold a grudge against him, and try to bludgeon him with various blunt objects during what you thought to be a fun game.

Removal of your SIRIUS BLACK from Packaging:

Your unit is, simply put, a morning person. You can't jolt him into a locked mode, and he won't try and kill you when you wake him up. The only problem with SIRIUS BLACK is that it's extremely difficult to wake him up; in order to avoid any drama, we've attached the following list of failsafe ways to get your unit up and going and ready to reprogram.

Yell about 'Filthy mudbloods'

Get a REMUS J. LUPIN unit to come and shout for him to get his lazy ass up. Your unit will jump up right away. You could also bring a HARRY POTTER unit, and leave him with the box; when you come back, SIRIUS BLACK will have gotten up.

Reprogramming

After successfully awakening your SIRIUS BLACK, you'll have the option to reprogram him. His modes are as follows:

Numbskull (default)

Sexy (default)

Godfather

Marauder

Romantic

Sociopathic (locked)

SIRIUS BLACK's standard modes are Numbskull and Sexy. Both are very simple concepts: in Numbskull, your unit will not question anything and will usually just grin and go with whatever you're saying, even if you're insulting him, because his brain practically shuts down. He might get emotional and teary-eyed on you if you hurt his feelings too badly, but that's unlikely because Sexy is also in effect. Sexy makes him eternally up for grabs - which means that you should always have cameras set up in your house, because SIRIUS BLACK might sneak a lover or three in at night.

If you put your unit into Godfather mode, he'll suddenly become the overprotective guardian you never had. He'll be extremely fond of HARRY POTTER, JAMES POTTER, and REAMUS J. LUPIN units, and might ask for them randomly; if he vanishes, there's a good chance he's gone off to chill with a JAMES POTTER or REMUS J. LUPIN unit. To put him into this mode, simply show him a HARRY POTTER unit.

In Marauder mode, SIRIUS BLACK is nothing but a jerk. He'll act like he's in Numbskull, but you'll be able to tell the difference because he'll constantly insult you and bring your actions into question. Please don't try to convince yourself that you can out-prank him, because there are only two documented examples of a unit owner winning against SIRIUS BLACK in a prank war; most likely, you'll end up crying yourself to sleep. It is believed that your unit enters this mode after exposure to a JAMES POTTER or a Marauder!REMUS J. LUPIN unit. To get him out of it, get a Stern!REMUS J. LUPIN unit, a LILY EVANS-POTTER unit, or a Fatherly!JAMES POTTER unit, the only units who can out-prank him

His last unlocked mode is Romantic. If you want your unit to create a long-lasting romance, he must be in this mode. Sex in any other mode will create a forever-causal relationship with the other unit. To get SIRIUS BLACK into Romantic, simply sit down and watch a chick-flick marathon. Movies like The Twilight Saga (especially Eclipse) and The Notebook are wonderful for this.

Your unit has one locked mode, Sociopathic, that can be unlocked by reminding him of his time in Azkaban or exposure to a DEMENTOR unit. We are not responsible for any damages done while your unit is in the mode.

Relationships with Other Units

Most units gets along with SIRIUS BLACK, but here is a list of the units with whom he'll spend the most time.

JAMES POTTER: Your unit and JAMES POTTER have a long past together. First and foremost, they see each other as siblings; if you want a relationship between them, you'll need to get them to overcome that barrier. After that, a romance will grow like wildfire. Please note that JAMES POTTER is the only romance option for whom SIRIUS BLACK doesn't need to be in Romantic to obtain.

SEVERUS SNAPE: The animosity from their school days has mostly died down, but your unit tends to try and lite the spark again. With just a little coaxing and a Romantic SIRIUS BLACK, these two will hook up over a long period of time, if ever. They tend to have a lot of crazy roleplays that you definitely will not want to miss, so double-check the cameras you should have set up when you ordered this unit.

REAMUS J. LUPIN: After 7 years of living together at school, SIRIUS BLACK still harbors strong feelings for this unit. REMUS J. LUPIN enjoys spending time with your unit as well, but is reluctant to start a relationship. SIRIUS BLACK will have to try extra hard if you want them to get together!

HARRY POTTER: HARRY POTTER and SIRIUS BLACK get along very well, and spend a fair amount of time together. There is NO romance option between these two units, SIRIUS BLACK views HARRY POTTER as the son he never had.

Cleaning

Your unit loves communal baths, and will often entice you to join him. It is perfectly safe to do so; SIRIUS BLACK is not a rapist, and will not touch you unless you ask him to. Note that he is a legal adult.

Feeding

SIRIUS BLACK loves eating and loves cooking. He can make his own food, so don't worry about feeding him.

Rest

Every afternoon, your unit will eat a great big lunch and then flop onto the sofa for a well-deserved nap that can last anywhere between two and for hours. Apart from this, SIRIUS BLACK will sleep wherever and whenever he feels like it, although he'll wake up at dawn every morning if you have a REMUS J. LUPIN unit.

FAQ

Q: My unit's moping! Like, he's just sitting in the corner and sighing every few minutes!

A: He most likely just lost a prank war. There is nothing you can do, because if you intervene you'll just irritate him; just wait it out. He'll get over it in a few days.

Q: My SIRIUS BLACK unit ran away!

A: Luckily, every unit comes equipped with a GPS tracker that can locate them within three feet anywhere on the planet! Simply call or email Customer Services (if you call, you'll need to follow the necessary prompts), and give the eight-digit shipment code you got in your order confirmation email.

Troubleshooting

Problem: Instead of receiving a man in your box, you got a teen wearing a Hogwarts robe. He smiles all the time, likes to sleep with you, plays way too many pranks, and asks for JAMES POTTER, PETER PETTIGREW, and REMUS J. LUPIN.

Solution: Whoops, we accidentally sent you a Hogwarts!SIRIUS BLACK unit! This form of your unit is about fourteen or so, but he's as promiscuous as a biscuit and therefore good for various illicit activities. He is, unfortunately, automatically in Marauder, and there are no other mode options for him. We understand completely if you want to trade him in, in which case you need only call Customer Services.

End Notes

With enough love, care, and patience for romantic movies, you'll find SIRIUS BLACK to be a valuable companion. We wish you good luck, and hope you enjoy your unit!