I do not own this plot or any of the characters, I just like to reimagine the universe for my own pleasure.

These belong to Paramount and Fox. Thanks for letting me borrow them!

*Seblaine How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days fic! This is a retelling of the 2003 movie, with a few small tweaks to the plot and dialogue.

It helps if you've seen it, but isn't necessary!*

Thanks to Mary and Cat for helping me unleash my ideas- even when they're not that great.

Rated T for now. Perhaps some eventual M.

Chapter 1

Composure Magazine is the standard stereotypical girly magazine. Fashion, style, makeup, fad diets, sex tips, you name it. Literary gold for anyone trying to stay in tune with the current "in topics" and latest trends. For Blaine Anderson, trends weren't what he imagined writing about when obtaining his journalism degree. History and politics were his life blood, but The Washington Post or National Geographic wasn't apt to hire new graduates that hadn't gotten their hands dirty yet. He had a few years to go, and was definitely putting in the work. Luckily the editor-in-chief, Lana Jong, had a hunch that he would be great for the publication. Maybe it was because his persona screamed "gay" with big flashing lights and a clean tap number, but he was accepted into their family almost immediately, and trusted with the sacred and anticipated "How-To" column. It was demanding. Blaine was expected to live and breathe the topics he was so uninterested in, become a mini-professional in under a week, then explain to readers how it would change their lives.

"How to Feng Shui Your Apartment"

Difficult to understand, and even more difficult for a tiny person to move furniture alone. This would cost him his security deposit thanks to an ugly hole punched through the drywall.

"How to Get a Better Bod in 5 Days"

No one can have visibly better abs in five days. No amount of crunches or squats will help you. It's physically impossible, but stick to the story, and the readers will try anything. (And also omit cheeseburgers— something Blaine had difficulty with, but will never tell the truth.)

"How to Talk Your Way Out of a Speeding Ticket"

Four separate traffic offenses that the company didn't even reimburse him for, and no matter how charming, or distraught he seemed, it didn't work. New York officers were stone cold.

No matter what Blaine seemed to go through, he loved his job, but would never stop reaching for something higher.

"… and only then will the people of Tajikistan know true and lasting peace." Tina spoke calmly, then nodded at the completion of the article. "Blaine, it's brilliant. It's really moving, but it's never going to appear in Composure Magazine." She hovered over her friend's desk and scrunched her nose, a face she always gave when giving unwanted advice.

Blaine gave an exasperated sigh. "God, I busted my ass in grad school to be 'Blaine Anderson: How-To Boy' just to write articles like, 'How To Use the Best Pick-Up Lines,' and 'Do Blondes? Do They, like, Really Have More Fun?" He tilted his head to the side in a ditzy manner and rolled his eyes slightly. Tina snickered amusingly at him. "I want to write about things that matter! Like politics, the environment and foreign affairs! Things I'm interested in."

"Keep busting your butt," Tina encouraged, "You're gonna get there." Her face twisted into a coy smirk and she tapped his shoulder. "Hey. I've got something to cheer you up." She retreated to her own desk that was conveniently placed one cubicle away, and grasped an envelope. "Remember that editor from Sports Illustrated that you have been shamelessly flirting with on the phone for, oof, the past month now? He made a little delivery this morning." Tina's eyes brightened and waved the envelope.

"Oh? Let me see!" Blaine suddenly seemed interested, and snatched the envelope away. Upon revealing the contents, he squealed and tightly held two tickets. "Ohhh, tomorrow night!"

"What happens tomorrow night?"

"Only the most exhilarating and artistic display of athletic competition known to mankind."

"The Ice Capades are in town?"

"No!" Blaine shouted, getting a little louder and attracting the attention of several editors and consultants. "The NBA Finals are in town, and I've got tickets! Come with me?"

"All right. I'll go, but I am NOT putting out." She raised her eyebrows. Blaine challenged her.

"Two stale Jumbo Dogs and a couple of beers, you'll be whistling a different tune." He winked and returned to his desk, glancing at the tickets with complete stars in his eyes. His moment was interrupted when Lori, a fellow perky-yet-annoying writer stopped by to remind them of their upcoming meeting in half an hour. Blaine and Tina simultaneously rolled their eyes, and he glanced towards the adjacent desk finding it empty.

"Rachel. I haven't seen her all morning."

Tina sighed. "It's ten till one. She's wallowing." Another breakup. They weren't surprised.

"It's my turn. I'll get this one." He stood up hastily and slung his bag over his shoulder, ready to rush out to retrieve their friend. "You get the coffee and meet me on the corner in twenty."

"No, wait wait! You'll need these." She called, throwing several PR products into a stray Revlon bag before shoving it into Blaine's hands.

"Oh, great idea!" He smiled, and snatched a spring-like sweater from a sample rack and headed for the doors.

Tina stood up and shook her head, ready to do her part and order coffee. "Oi. Drama, drama, drama."

The corner of Madison Avenue and East 26th street was once again wall-to-wall traffic thanks to the morning work hustle. Everyone was impatient and horns were blaring towards what seemed to be nothing— just another New York City street. This wasn't an issue for Sebastian Smythe. Cars were useless in the city, and walking was too slow. He rode a motorcycle. His beloved Triumph Bonnieville slipped through the traffic jam with ease, and parked between two cars on the curb. As he slipped the full-masked helmet from his head, a tall woman clutching her usual morning street vendor publication strode behind him, stopping at the front doors of his office building at Schuester Advertising. "Hello Sebastian," She greeted dryly.

Sebastian ran a hand through his sandy helmet-head and smirked. Judy Spears— a typical advertising publicist. How he loved to poke fun with her and her partner, Judy Greene. She grazed through her copy of Composure as she waited for him, studying the pages in scrutiny.

"Hey hey. Good morning, Spears!" He approached her with is messenger bag on one shoulder, and the helmet tucked neatly under the opposite arm. "What are you reading, girl? You catching up on your current events? Turn-on tricks? How to make him hot?" He smirked. She rolled her eyes. "You know, if you want to try those out sometime, we should get toget—"

Spears cut him off immediately. "Greene and I have an appointment at Composure. The fastest growing women's magazine in the country. Seeing as how our clients run a lot of our campaigns in their nationally syndicated little girly magazine, it wouldn't hurt you to do a little reading." She shoved the magazine in his hands and raised an eyebrow.

"Hey, Sebby!" A different voice called, emerging from his building. Greene. "You finally decide to show up?"

"Yes, ma'am." He grinned, but the women were clearly on a time-crunch, and they bid him adieu with a coy glance. "Have a nice day, ladies." He all but bowed, and turned to enter the office.

Blaine knocked on Rachel's apartment door, and a moment later, a red-faced brunette girl opened slowly. She donned a long, grandma-like, ruffly nightgown, and clutched a handful of used tissues. "Hi!" She greeted cheerfully. Blaine's face stayed as skeptical as stone, making Rachel's happy facade fade into a run of ugly sobs.

"Good morning, sunshine." He stepped inside and placed his hands on her shoulders, watching her sob for a moment. "No. Okay. Get dressed. Get dressed now. Staff meeting is in fifteen minutes. Let's go."

Rachel blew her nose noisily, then plopped onto her bed in despair. "I'm going back to bed. I have no reason to live."

In an attempt to motivate his friend, Blaine pulled open the drapes, allowing the sunlight to brighten her dreary flat. "The sun is out! Oh, come on. Look at this!" He tossed her the sweater, dumped the samples on her bed, and her face changed a little.

"Cashmere?"

"Put it on. It will make your eyes look fiercely bright."

She hugged the sweater. It was as if someone placed a puppy in her hands.

"Get up. I'm not going to let you lose your job on top of everything else. Come here." He opened his arms into a loving hug and squeezed her tightly, although his face was unamused. Rachel was just THAT girl who couldn't make a relationship work. She would get too attached, become manic, and then the sky would fall when it didn't work. "You only dated the guy a week."

"It was the best week of my life," she sobbed.

Blaine wiggled out of the hug the best he could. He wanted to be supportive, but his judgmental side just couldn't stay hidden anymore. "Oh… sweetheart." He winced.

Sebastian trudged into the busy offices of Schuester Advertising, and greeted several of his coworkers as he passed. He scuffled past two men playing foosball and slipped inside his semi-private office that he shared with his two favorite advertising partners, Nick and Jeff, and shut the door. "What's up, Nick?"

Nick held a Nerf football, and tossed it aimlessly into the air, catching it repeatedly. "Hey, Seb. Big night?"

"Not bad." He tossed his belongings on his desk and fished out a clean t-shirt. New York City smog was a scent easily detected on clothing. The only downfall of a motorcycle.

"Orgy?"

He played along, "Where were you, man?!"

"Not… at an orgy," he replied, almost disappointed.

Without warning, Jeff rushed in with clear urgency. "Did you hear?"

Sebastian pushed the other's tone aside and smirked. "What, that the Knickerbockers are now in the championship series, and Nick the Dick now owes me twenty bucks?"

Nick frowned at the mention of money, not expecting to pay up so soon, and patted the pockets of his jeans. He cringed, and punched Jeff's arm. "Can you pay him?"

Jeff rolled his eyes and fished out a twenty, shoving it in Sebastian's hand, then disregarded the bet to continue talking about what was actually important. "You were right, Sebastian. DeLauer Diamonds is looking for a new ad agency, and Schuester wants to move on it. Aggressively."

"YES!" Sebastian triumphantly raised his fist in the air. This could change his whole career. He knew that tipping his company of the possible advertising change would be beneficial in the long run. " Oh, this is a good day. SUCH a good day. Guys, did you know that diamonds are about as common as taxis on Fifth Avenue?" He finally tugged his shirt over his head and playfully threw it at Nick before holding his clean one. A few ladies had congregated in eyeshot of his window to watch the view. He had an excellent body, and even though they'd probably never stand a chance with someone who didn't fully play for their team, it was still an intriguing sight. "The value is entirely sentimental, maintained by supply, demand, and advertising. Now, DeLauer dominates the world's diamond market. Meaning, if I represent them, I basically represent the entire industry." He bounced on his heels a bit, slipping a new shirt on. Sebastian glanced at Nick and Jeff, who's faces clearly had more information he had yet to know of. "What?"

Nick grimaced at Jeff. "Schuester gave it to the Judies. Spears and Greene. They're already on it."

Sebastian tugged his shirt on, and his jaw dropped. "NO!"

"You know," Jeff started, "He's kind of partial to the hot, leggy chicks. We're the sneakers and beer division. Precious gems aren't exactly our forte."

Sebastian raised a finger at him. "Lips and hips are over at a chick's magazine right now. I've gotta get to Schuester before—"

"You can't. He's on a plane."

Nick stopped Sebastian from exiting the office in haste. "Easy, bro. He's at a meeting in Chicago, and it's too late, anyway. Schuester is meeting them for drinks at Mullin's Restaurant tonight to discuss—"

Sebastian wouldn't take no for an answer. "This isn't happening, and you know why? This was MY tip. It's going to be my pitch, my account, my campaign. This is MY baby. They will not ace me out of this." Nick and Jeff weren't surprised by their friend's tenacity and each gave him a fist bump. They nodded, showing their support.

Sebastian narrowed his eyes, the gears in his head already turning.

"Mullin's. Tonight."

Blaine stepped out of the cab with Rachel, and met Tina on the curb of Composure's offices just as they planned. Rachel looked fantastic, sporting a bright a-line skirt that matched the sweater perfectly. A steaming cup of coffee was placed in each of their hands, and Tina gave Rachel a comforting look.

"Hi! I don't really want to talk about it, okay?"

"Okay." Tina patted her shoulder, then all hell broke loose.

"Why does this always happen to me?" She wailed. "Things are going great for like, a week and a half, and then all of a sudden it's over and I am mystified! Seriously. I am mystified because it always starts out so well!" She stormed her way through the revolving doors in a panic, and the other two followed, unsure of what else to do at the moment.

"Let's just… roll with this," Blaine suggested.

"Jesse and I have such a connection!" She stopped at the elevators and turned to face her friends, sniffling a bit. "The first time we had sex, it was so beautiful. I cried." She smiled at what seemed to be a distant nostalgic memory, and another tear dripped down her cheek.

Blaine looked like he would vomit. "You mean like, one glistening tear on your cheek, right?"

"No. I was really emotional. I even told him that I loved him."

"After how many days?!"

"Five." She stopped, knowing that her friends would call her lies in a heartbeat. "Okay… two. It was how I felt. I wanted to express myself!"

"Okay," Blaine replied calmly. "Well, what did he say?"

"Oh, Jesse didn't have to say anything. I know that he felt the same." Did she even hear herself? "But then, he started getting really busy, and I didn't know where he was. I kept calling him, and calling him. He was never home—"

Blaine cocked his head. "You. Kept. Calling. Him."

"I didn't leave a message!" She looked at them sheepishly. "He didn't know it was me. My number is blocked." The trio boarded the elevator, and Rachel continued. "Anyway, I know why he dumped me. I'm too fat." The comment elicited a side eye from the other passengers.

"You're not fat!" Tina and Blaine assured simultaneously, and eventually continued their conversation en route to the staff meeting.

"Rachel," Blaine started. "If the most beautiful woman in the world did the things you did, any normal guy would still go running in the other direction." He was happy their friendship had reached the point where he could speak honestly, because she desperately needed it.

"No, no guy would go running from you, Blaine. You could barf all over him, and he would say, 'do it again!'"

Blaine laughed. "That is both incredibly disgusting, and categorically untrue. If I did the things you did, I'd get dumped, too!"

Blaine, Tina, and Rachel reached Lana Jong's office. Being the editor-in-chief, she had what could be referred to as the penthouse of offices complete with a row of windows that overlooked a section of Central Park, and several chairs and couches in a circle to relax on. This is where staff meetings were held. Even though she was a bit of a tyrant, she loved comfort. "Okay family, shoes off! Breathe in," She closed her eyes, and every employee followed her lead. "… and out." She smiled, ready to begin. "Okay, Lori. Let's start with you." A sentence everyone dreaded to hear.

"Okay! The Botox for beginners piece is done. Now, It's a little scary, but mostly upbeat. Now I'm working on 'What Your Gyno Won't Tell You,' which is also scary, but you know, upbeat."

Blaine closed his eyes and took one more slow breath as he sipped his coffee. Everyone seemed to be holding back a side eye or a giggle at the sound of her voice, but she was so far up Lana's ass, that the editor couldn't help but be fully intrigued.

"I finished my research on 'Deadly Pedicures' about the woman who contracted that fungus from the unsterilized tools." She looked around as if she were a storyteller, and people were interested. "Oh, yeah. It's a terrible story, although, surprisingly upbeat!"

"Marvelous," Lana praised. "What's next for How-To with Blaine?"

Blaine sat his coffee down, not expecting to speak next. "Well, I'm working on something that's kind of different. It's a political price—" He was cut off by his boss, although hoping she would listen to his ideas just once.

"No. Blaine. You work at Composure Magazine. That is fashion, trends, diets, cosmetic surgeries, salacious gossip, that's Composure. Look, the column is new for you. When you turn it into a must-read, then you can write about whatever you want, until then, you can write about whatever I want. Understood?"

Blaine nodded, accepting defeat. "Yeah."

"Rachel," she quickly changed the subject. "What have you got?"

Rachel paused and hung her head from being put on the spot. Tina nudged her encouragingly, hoping she had a topic to bring to the table. "I'm sorry, Lana. I wasn't feeling very well."

"She got dumped," Tina bluntly interjected.

"OH NO! RACHEL!" Lana showed her a smidgeon of compassion. "What a hellish ordeal for you. But, I must say, you are looking fabulous. Are we loving the way she looks, all?!" Lana glanced to the other minions, gaining fake coos and words of support to boost her spirits.

"I haven't eaten since the split."

"Good for you! Write about it!" She suggested, although Lana's suggestions were grossly compared to orders.

Rachel scoffed, looking around to the others. "I— can't use my personal life for a story!"

"I understand completely." Lana gave her a reassuring look. "Who will use Rachel's personal life for a story?" No surprise when Lori enthusiastically raised her hand as a volunteer.

"No, no, no! With all due respect, Lana, Lori has no business mucking around in my personal life, and I can't— I can't let her!"

Blaine's eyes furrowed in thought. He had yet thought of a topic, and this could be his chance since his political piece wasn't even given a passing glance. He bit his lip and raised his hand. "I'll do it!"

Everyone paused and looked in his direction, interested.

"What?" Rachel looked at him, shocked.

"I will sort-of do it. You will be my inspiration, Rachel."

"For?" Lana asked?

"Look at Rachel. She is a great person, right?" He spoke slowly, thinking as he went. "An amazing woman, but she has a problem hanging on to relationships and sometimes doesn't know what she's doing wrong, which is like a lot of our readers. So, I was thinking. I could start by dating a guy, and then drive him away, but only using the classic mistakes that many people like Rachel make all the time." He surveyed the room for a moment, trying to gauge reactions. "I'll keep a diary of it, and it will be sort of a dating How-To in reverse." He shrugged.

Lana actually smiled. "What NOT to do."

"Yeah!" He confirmed.

"How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days." She paused. "YES. Go. Bart, what's new in—"

"Wait, wait, Lana! I'm sorry. Why ten days?"

"Because five days is too short, and we go to press in eleven," she stated matter-of-factly.

Blaine nodded, then looked at Rachel, who was completely relieved and mouthing a big 'thank you' to him.

This one was going to be big, and he needed to get to work.

Blaine and Rachel followed Tina downstairs after the staff meeting, who was much to her dismay still having her brain picked by Lana. A sigh of relief washed over her when Lana bumped into two well-dressed ladies that distracted their conversation. "Here's my meeting! Welcome! Everyone, this is Judy Spears and Judy Greene from Schuester Advertising. We're going to cook up some fabulous tie-ins for the fall. This is Tina Cohen-Chang, fashion and trends. Rachel Berry, Fitness and Health. Blaine Anderson, our resident How-To man." Everyone greeted them, but the Judies were most interested with Blaine.

"Oh, I've seen your column, Blaine! What are you working on now?" Spears asked.

Blaine smiled, "Oh great! I actually—" He didn't get a chance to speak before Lana annoyingly took the reigns herself.

"How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days! He's actually going to start dating a guy, and drive him away in a week and a half."

The Judies laughed. "Sounds needlessly vicious!" Greene remarked.

"It's going to be fabulous," Lana replied, and turned to Blaine. "Now all he as to do is run along and find the lucky guy. Go, go, go!"

Blaine shifted a bit where he stood, feeling more and more uncomfortable with his overbearing boss. "Nice to meet you!" He said cordially to the Judies.

The trio left now that Lana was preoccupied with her next two victims and Blaine leaned into his two friends. The thought of what he had to do was just now starting to hit him, and he sighed. "Find the guy." He looked at them. "Find… the guy." Tina and Rachel laughed and dragged him out the door and to his apartment. They needed to get ready for what could be an eventful night out.

xxMae