Disclaimer:
Me: I don't own nothin', alright?
*Lawyer in black suit glares*
Me: Fine! I don't own anything. Ya happy now?
*lawyer nods happily and goes away*
A/N: Oooh, I posted something again…where the heck did I get all the nerve? Neewayz, I just want to tell you guys that I'm in the process of getting over myself and my shyness with regards to showing my written works. Yay! Go me!
Ok, on with the fic.
~*~
Oblivious
Hogwarts was so beautiful in winter—so breathtakingly beautiful and magical…well, more magical than it usually was, anyway. Everything was covered with soft, powdery, pristine white snow that seemed to sparkle as the early rays of sunlight gently kissed them….
But all this magnificence might as well be the Potions dungeon for all the attention James gave it. He was looking at nothing in particular, with glazed eyes, so lost in his thoughts—until a nice firm snowball came hurtling his way and hit him right in the face. He spluttered in outrage and whipped his head around to face his attacker, only to see Lily Evans, his best friend, clutching her stomach and laughing her head off—at his expense—a few feet away.
She walked towards him after a few minutes, when her laughing receded to giggles, grinning. "I'm sorry, James…I couldn't resist. And besides, you were drowning in your thoughts. You looked like you needed saving."
James scowled at her. "Hence the snowball, which, mind you, could probably give me a mild concussion. And it nearly did!" He gingerly touched his nose and pretended to wince. "And I think it broke my nose."
"Oh please, Prongs, cut the theatrics. It was just a snowball. And your nose only hurts because it's probably frostbitten. How long have you been standing in the snow, anyway?"
"About, uh, two hours…?"
"And why on earth would you be standing in the snow for two hours?! Ever heard of hyperthermia? I think your logic's broken again."
"Well, if you must know, I was…meditating about important matters! Matters of great importance! I was—"
"Brooding, that you were. And I noticed you're doing a lot of that lately. What's up?"
"Nothing. Nothing's up! Can I not think and contemplate without everyone getting concerned?"
"Well, uh, you sure you want me to answer that?"
"Never mind."
"Thought so."
They were silent for a while, for the first time noticing the beauty around them. Lily sighed in contentment. "It's so quiet it's unnatural."
"Yeah…almost everyone's away for Christmas. And we have Hogwarts all to our lonely selves."
"Well, we better savor it while it lasts. Merlin, I'm going to miss this place when we graduate."
"Me too."
"And I think Hogwarts's gonna miss the Marauders as well. You guys are one of a kind."
James grinned cockily. "I know. We wreaked havoc Hogwarts has never seen before and never will see again. I can safely say that these are the best seven years of my life."
"Well, a lot of things certainly happened in those seven years. I learned so many things, as well." She gave James a small smile before both of them lapsed in silence.
After a while, James took a deep breath, as though mustering courage, and turned to Lily with uncertain eyes. "Lily, do you…do you ever think of what happened in fifth year?"
Startled, Lily faced James. "Um, yes, of course… but I try not to." She fidgeted a little under James' searching gaze, and when she couldn't stand it anymore, she abruptly turned to the frozen lake. For some reason, it suddenly looked so interesting….
"Lily, have I ever asked for your forgiveness for that?"
"I don't…think so. But I forgave you anyway."
James peeled his eyes off her and stared at his hands, clasping them together. "I'm…I'm sorry, Lily, for being such a jerk to you. I really am sorry. And now, I can't even remember why I…why I broke up with you. And I don't see how I could possibly want to break up with you."
Lily swallowed the lump in her throat. She couldn't look at James, and her hands couldn't stop twisting one end of her scarf. "James, you found somebody else. And I had to let you go, you know. It wouldn't be fair of me if I kept you when you wanted to leave."
She looked at James again, at his bowed head and entwined fingers, and smiled. She reached out and took his hands in hers, and gave them a gentle squeeze. "James, look at me."
Slowly, James lifted his eyes to hers, and she could see regret in them. She gave him her sweetest smile. "James, it's okay. You did nothing wrong. And besides, I never really lost you. You're my best friend, remember?"
He smiled at her and pulled her into his arms. "You're right, Lily…" he whispered in her ears. "And I want you to know that you will never lose me ever." Slowly, he released her, still smiling gently. "But Lily, how come you never dated anyone else after that?"
"Well, you were really hard to get over."
"Really? Uh, thank you, I guess." James said, unsure of how to go on.
Fortunately, he didn't have to bother as Lily put a friendly arm around his waist and grinned at him. "Well, don't let that get into your head. I'm very well over you now, Prongs."
James didn't know what he'd expected to feel upon hearing these words, but he did know that he wasn't expecting disappointment. But he felt it, even for just one tiny moment. Quickly he shrugged the feeling off and nodded, returning Lily's grin.
"But you know what James, I had fun these past years. Tons of it."
"Yeah, me too. And I still am having fun. I mean, I have the most amazing friends, I get good grades, and I have girls drooling over me. My life, right now, is perfect…well almost, anyway."
Their gazes met, and his eyes held hers for a moment. She saw something flicker in their depths, but before she could discern what it was, he looked away. She felt like she glimpsed something important, only to have it evade her.
"Almost, James? Why just that?"
"You know what, never mind that. You wouldn't understand anyway."
"Understand what? And why won't I understand it?"
"Because you're way too dense sometimes."
"Hey, I resent that!"
"I know; that's why I said it." He grinned at her and tweaked her nose. "Let's go back inside and change into something dry."
Lily nodded, and together, they went back to the unnervingly quiet castle, bantering and talking some more.
~*~
They were heading back to the common room in comfortable silence when they bumped into somebody. Somebody, who, in Lily's opinion, was quite handsome.
"Alex!" Lily exclaimed, her face lighting up and, if James wasn't mistaken, turning just a tiny bit red. Lily was too flustered to notice the hard look flicker in James' eyes.
"Hey, Lily," Alex said, smiling back at her. He noticed James and gave him a curt nod. "Potter."
"Everett," James replied just as curtly.
Lily, oblivious to the tension between the two, faced Alex and beamed at him. "Hey, how are you doing?"
"Pretty good, Lily. Um, listen, can I talk to you for a second?"
"Uh, sure." She glanced at James, and James, understanding, nodded. "Listen, Lily. I think I forgot something in the common room. I'll just go ahead, okay?"
"Okay." If she hadn't turned away so quickly she would have seen the glare James gave Alex before he stalked off.
"So, Lily…" Alex said. "How are you this fine winter morning?"
"Very fine, thank you. How did your Charms test last week go?"
"I aced it. Thanks for the tutoring, Lily. I couldn't have done it without your help."
"No problem, Alex. Just come to me if you need more help. So what is it you wanted to talk about?"
"Well, I was wondering if you'd like to accompany me to Hogsmeade next week." He waited for a moment, but when he got no response, he quickly added, "but if you'd rather not, it's—"
"Sure, I'd love to go with you, Alex." Lily gave him another smile, and Alex blushed.
"Really? Cool! I found this wonderful place there, you'd love it!"
"I'm sure I would. Well, I got to get going."
"Uh, sure. See you around!" At that he started walking away, a smile grazing his lips.
Lily, unsure of what just happened, shook her head and started walking towards the common room. Alex was one of the nicest guys in her year and one of the most attractive ones as well…
She noticed that for the past weeks, Alex'd been hovering about her, always ready to offer to tutor her in Transfiguration and always ready to carry her books for her. But of course he didn't have to. There was always James to do all these things for her.
She reached the portrait, gave the password, entered through the portrait hole, and immediately froze. There, on the couch, was James, straddled by a blonde and snogging her senseless. The sunny expression on her face moments before was suddenly wiped out, to be replaced by a less pleasant one. She wrinkled her nose and grimaced, quite eloquently saying, 'ewwww.' One would think that by now she'd be used to this.
When they started groping each other, she decided she had enough. "Ahem."
The two jumped apart, and James smiled at her sheepishly. "Uh, sorry about that, Lils. Got carried away." He turned to the girl, who, Lily noticed, was not the same girl James was snogging yesterday, and gently sent her away. The girl complied with a sickeningly saccharine smile.
Lily rolled her eyes and eyed James, who almost squirmed under her gaze. "What?"
"I turn my back for a few minutes and you're back to your philandering ways. What happened to Erika? Or was it Jane?"
"Actually, it was Tia." Again he gave her a sheepish smile.
Lily sighed, exasperated. "James, you had about three girls this week, and it's still Thursday. That's more than your usual. Now I ask you again. What is up?"
"Nothing! It's just hormones, okay?"
"James, your hormones kicked in a long time ago."
"Look, nothing is wrong with me. I'm absolutely fine. I'm happy!"
"Uh-huh. Then what's up with you and all the girls?"
"What's up with you and Alex?!" James retorted quite sharply.
"Where did that come from? And it's none of your business."
"Then who I snog with and how many I snog in a week is none of yours either!"
"Well, pardon me, I was just concerned about you!"
"Well, don't be. I'm perfectly able to take care of myself."
"Fine!"
"Fine!"
They glared at each other for a while, neither of them backing down. Suddenly, Lily's stomach growled loudly, completely ruining the charged moment. James's shoulders started to shake with quiet laughter, and then he laughed louder, until he was plainly guffawing at her. Lily, unable to remain mad at him for a long time, sighed and joined him in laughing.
"Lily, why don't we go down for breakfast?"
"Let's. Wait for me while I change." And, still laughing, Lily headed for the girls dormitory.
~*~
Later, as they finished their breakfast and made their way out of the Great Hall, they were once again, intercepted by somebody. Somebody with a particular sickeningly saccharine smile, making James grimace inwardly.
"Hello, Camille." James greeted not so enthusiastically.
"Hi, James. Lily." She smiled again at James after briefly acknowledging Lily's presence, and latched onto his arm. "James, guess what? I was walking down this corridor when I stumbled upon this really secret room, very dark and nice. Want to check it out with me?"
"Well, Camille, I'd love to, but you see, we're going to the library 'cause we have this really hard Potions essay to finish," he said.
"Library? Whatever are you doing your homework on a Christmas break for when you could be spending the entire day with me?" She giggled and wrinkled her nose cutely.
"Because, as I said, it's a really difficult essay. And Gibbs is a very difficult teacher to deal with."
"But, James, couldn't you do it tomorrow?" She positively whimpered.
James was starting to get a little more than irritated. He had to break up with her before he went mad. "Camille, no. Can I talk to you for a moment? And, uh, Lily, go ahead to the library. I'll catch up."
Lily, who had been standing in disgusted silence during the whole exchange, nodded eagerly in relief and went on her way as fast as she could.
Presently, James steeled Camille by the elbow to a small niche on the wall and held her hands in his. "Camille, there's something I have to tell you. Our relationship, it isn't working out."
"What?! What are you talking about? We've only been together for two days. How could you say that?"
"Well, I could feel it. I'm sorry. It's not you, it's me," he said almost mechanically. How many times had he told a girl this?
"I-I understand," she said quietly.
This was quite a surprise for James. He had expected the usual outburst and tears. "Really? You do?"
"Yeah, I do. I never expected us to last. Not when you're still hung up on her…."
"What's that supposed to mean? And who's her?" He asked, beginning to get alarmed.
"James, you and I both know who she is. And just so you know, I'm willing to think that you were under the Imperious Curse when you broke her heart and dumped her. And for Sophie, no less. I mean, Sophie's my friend and all, but come on."
"I know, believe me, I know. I never regretted anything so much in my entire life."
"Well, don't expect me to sympathize with you. I really thought you found the right one for you…."
James nodded quietly and didn't reply. There was an uncomfortable silence for a while, until Camille cleared her throat. "You and Lily, you were good for each other…. Move on James. Either that or you risk it with her once more. It's not good seeing you stuck in your miserable state."
"Yeah, I know. Was I really that obvious?"
"Not really, don't worry. You were obvious to me. There was just something wrong with the way you kissed me."
"Wow, I didn't know you knew so much."
"I'm not stupid, James, please. Anyway, I have to get going. See you around." She gave him a wave before leaving James alone to sort his thoughts out.
He started heading for the library, still thinking about the talk he just had. Move on…. Either that or you risk it with her once more. He'd messed up his chances with her two years ago. He was too scared to risk it now…and yet he was even more scared of moving on…of getting over her. What was up with him?
And Lily, she wasn't helping much either. Sure, she was his best friend and all, but he always felt like she kept some distance between them. She's utterly oblivious, and he doubted she'd want that to change.
He reached the library and pushed the double doors open. There, on the far corner, he spotted Lily, who was bent over a parchment and scribbling away furiously. He gazed at her for a while with a small smile on his lips. He started walking towards her, then immediately stopped. On the other side of the room he saw Alex staring at Lily, perhaps in the same way he stared at her earlier. As though feeling James' eyes on him, Alex looked his way, meeting his eyes. His reflected James steely gaze, and narrowed just as James' had. He saw him clench his jaw and gave him a final glare, before nodding curtly at him and walking towards where James was. He stood in front of him for a second before storming out of the library.
After a few minutes (of smirking to himself), James made his way to Lily and sat himself opposite her. She looked up and gave him a brief smile before returning to her parchment and scribbling again. For a while James did nothing but stare… at her furrowed brows… at how she bit her lip in concentration… and how she mumbled under her breath. There was a smudge of ink on her cheek, and he thought he'd never anything so adorable in—
"Do I have ink in my face or something?" Lily suddenly asked.
"What?"
"You've been staring at me. Do I have ink in my face?"
"Well, as a matter of fact, you do. Here." James reached over to wipe the smudge off, but before he could, Lily jerked away and wiped it off herself. For a brief moment hurt flashed in his eyes. She was distancing herself again…and he could only watch.
"Is it gone?"
James swallowed the lump in her throat. And still she is oblivious… "Yep, it's gone," he replied in what he hoped was a casual voice.
"So, how did your talk with Camille go?" She asked conversationally, putting her quill down and giving him her whole attention.
"Uh, I broke up with her."
"What?!"
"Keep it down, will you? I said I broke up with her."
"Why?"
"Because."
"James, you're a heartbreaker, d'you know that?"
"So I've been told. What did Alex want with you?"
"Oh, that dear boy. He asked me out on a date."
"And…?"
"And I accepted, of course. He's really nice, not to mention cute." She giggled childishly and blushed, completely missing the pain that flickered in his eyes.
"Well, that's good, Lily. I'm happy for you," he said tightly. Out of the corner of her eye Lily caught him grit his teeth and clench his jaw. That definitely didn't look like he was happy for her. "I'm sorry, James, but you leave me no choice but to ask. What is the matter with you?"
"Are we back to that again?"
"Yes, we're back to that again! And until you tell me whatever it is that's bothering you, we're staying there!"
He scowled at her, and with an uncharacteristic harshness, hissed, "Jesus, Lily, why couldn't you just drop it?"
Lily started at the tone of his voice, and she knew was probably walking on real thin ice, but she nevertheless went on. "Because, I can't. You've been brooding for a few weeks now, and you've been throwing yourself to different girls, and at times I catch you staring at me like there's something you'd want to tell me. I'm not in the habit of not caring, James!"
"Well, I told you before and I'm telling you again. I am fine. And whatever's bothering me, I'm dealing with it on my own just fine!"
"Ha, could have fooled me! James, you're miserable, and you and I both know it!"
James closed his eyes and breathed in slowly. Exhaling, he opened them again and looked at Lily with an emotion akin to anger, but said nothing.
"You're acting weird and I'm worried about you."
With these words, something inside James snapped. "You want to help me? Is that it? Then I suggest you start opening your eyes, Lily. Maybe if you just did that, you wouldn't have to ask me what my problem is! But you know what your problem is, Lily?" He paused as though daring her to answer, but when she didn't, went on.
"Do you? Well, I'm telling you now. You're too bloody clueless, that's what. You're too blind to the people around you and to their feelings. You're a heartless, Lily, you really are. You're hurting others and you don't even know it!" He spat the last words at Lily, who listened in shocked silence at his tirade.
When she finally found her voice, it was as angry as his. "Well, I'm sorry if I'm not as perceptive as you want me to be. And I'm sorry if I'm hurting anybody. I'm sorry, alright?! And now that we've established that I'm too stupid to figure it out for myself, I'm begging you to tell me!"
"What for? You won't understand!"
"Understand what?!"
"This, dammit." In one swift movement he leaned over her. He hooked a finger under her chin, lifted her face to his and kissed her.
Hard.
He growled softly as he hungrily tasted her, moving his lips against hers and nibbling none too gently. He kissed her with all his pent up frustration, all his anger and desperation, trying to convey something to her…
Lily was too shocked to do anything. She just sat there, neither pulling away nor kissing back, and just sat there, frozen. Ever so slowly, James pulled away, his breathing ragged. He stepped back with a bitter smile. "Well…?"
"I-I…what just…what I mean to say is…" Her shoulders slumped and she hung her head.
"What, Lily?" His voice was so expectant….
"I…I don't know…what to say…"
He stared at her for a while then shook his head and laughed hollowly. "You know what? Forget it, I told you wouldn't understand. But I don't blame you."
"James…. I-I didn't know."
"Of course, you didn't." He gave her one last sad smile. "I have to go…." And with that, he stormed out of the library with tears blurring his vision. Hoping against hope that the librarian hadn't caught any of that.
~*~
It had been two weeks since that incident in the library. They'd been avoiding each other as much as much as they could, never meeting each others eyes and talking to each other only when absolutely necessary. The Head meetings consisted of long icy silences, and each would sigh in relief and scramble out of the room as the meetings ended. It was a miserable two weeks for the two of them.
One late night, Lily was alone in the common room reading a muggle book. It was already past the curfew, but for once, Lily didn't care. She hadn't been able to get some sleep for the past two weeks, and if she wasn't going to get some tonight, she might as well spend the time reading.
A noise from the portrait hole made her look up from the book. Her eyes widened at the person who emerged from the entrance…James.
James froze in mid stride when he saw her.
Their gazes met.
They had so many things to say to each other, so many things they needed to explain, but did not know how to….
I'm sorry…
I forgive you…
I love you…
I love you…
And neither knew where to start. At length James looked away and cleared his throat. "Good night, Lily."
"Good night, James."
He nodded and started moving towards the stairs, when Lily suddenly stood up and faced him. "Wait…."
He stopped and turned around slowly. He saw Lily standing there, looking at him with uncertain eyes. "Yes?"
"Please stay…." She smiled at him hopefully, uncertainly….
And James smiled back.
Fin
~*~
Important A/N: Whew, that wasn't so hard, was it?
Me: umm…no? lol
Neewayz, I hope you enjoyed that. Once again I thank the ever wonderful jess for beta-ing the fic! And just so you know, Jess is a girl. For those of you who find it weird that I tell you this, refer to the A/N at the end of my other fic.
Lol…sorry, Jess, I hope I didn't humiliate you too much…*hides*
Please review, guys. I need feedbacks.