A Simple Gift
The door shut with a soft click. There had been no harsh words, no swearing, no insults to be regretted at a later time. There was only a simple click that left two boys on opposites sides of a door. There were only two options given when faced with such a situation, fight or flight. Duo chose the latter.
He had begun walking down the hall, but soon he could not keep himself from running past the carpeted row of apartments. He ran away from it all. From the apartment he shared with Heero. From the hurt that he had tried to leave there. All of it. He ran into the elevator and pressed the worn button to make the mechanical doors slide close. The elevator hummed, waiting to be given a destination. Duo slid to the floor and brought his knees up to his face. A small smile spread across his face
'Well, here I am again. Alone, again.' The smiles faded as he let his head rest on his knees. 'I shouldn't have given it to him. Why did I want to change things? Sure, we weren't the perfect couple, but who is? I could have left things how they were and I wouldn't be sitting in this elevator. I wouldn't be wondering how things could have gone so wrong so fast.'
Heero had chosen the other option. He stared at the beat up piece of oak that had previously been their coffee table. A single question had been repeating in his mind while destroying the piece of furniture.
'Why was I so scared?'
While it appeared that he was observing the room, he was really looking everywhere else except for where he had just been standing. 'A gift. It was only a gift. How could that have scared me?' Heero put his head in his hands and closed his eyes. All he could see was violet orbs peering at him. 'Why am I lying to myself, it wasn't the gift. It was the way he looked at me. He was wanting something. I don't even know if he knew it himself, but it was clear in his eyes. He wanted something more than I had given him. Something more than the empty words of comfort that seemed to automatically emerge from me at appropriate times.'
'I don't really blame him for wanting more. I was never exactly the ideal companion. He would show such emotion, and all I would do was answer with a simple 'Hn'. It's not that I don't care for him. I really do, it's just....I just wasn't ready to open up. And why wasn't I ready? Why was I so afraid?'
'It was just a gift, it shouldn't have been something that mattered that much.'
'Then why am I alone?'
Somehow, Duo had managed to make the elevator move and was walking down the street. It was a Saturday, and a lot of people were out shopping and doing other such 'normal' things. The streets were crowded, and a light snow covered the ground. A group of children were playing in a small park, completely unaware of the bustling 'adult' world that moved around them.
'I don't understand why I needed to change things. Wait, that's wrong, I know exactly why. I was afraid. I saw him, and I was with him, but it was always like he was somewhere else. Like he was thinking of something else, someone else.' Duo shook his head attempting to stop that train of thought. 'I'm just being paranoid again. That's how it all started, isn't it? I thought that I could be reassured, that he would say something that would make me stop being afraid that he would just walk out the door one day. So what am I doing? I'm running away myself.'
'I should go back there and give him a piece of my mind.'
'I should tell him that I am tired of speculating about his feelings.'
'I should tell him what I want from him, and that if he can't give it, I'm going to leave forever.'
'I should...but I won't. I know I won't because I'm still walking. My legs are still pulling me down the street. I can barely feel them, but I know I'm moving. I feel so numb. I feel so dead.'
'How could he be so bold all the time? How could he never just want to hide inside himself and be shielded from it all. That's all I want to do. How I wish I could.'
Heero was now wandering through their apartment. Stopping every once in a while to examine some trinket that Duo had bought for some reason that Heero could never understand. Trinkets that Heero thought unimportant, but now the sentimental value seeped through and caused an epiphany for the young man.
'It was a mask. How could I have never seen it before, yet it is all too clear now. I thought he was just showing everything, that he was stronger than I was, that he didn't want to hide, but I was wrong. Was he just like me, but I was too blind to see it? Too convinced that I was alone to realize that he was with me? I should have known.'
He picked up a picture of him and Duo taken a few months ago. They had been at a city park. Heero remembered that day, it was the day that Duo told him that he wanted to move in with him. The picture was taken a few minutes after by a street photographer. Heero was sitting with his face expressionless, and Duo was standing behind him grinning profusely.
'I remember being scared then too. I think I blabbed something about convenience, and security, and other pointless excuses to why his suggestion was acceptable. He just grinned and said 'Great!' I can see now by this picture though, his face says that he is happy, but his eyes say that he is hurting. Hurting because I didn't care. Why didn't I see this before? How could I have not noticed? When did I become so blind?'
'Should I?
Shouldn't I?
Should I?
Shouldn't I?
Yes?
No?
Yes?
No?
Ye...'
The door opened stopping Duo in mid-thought. In his wandering he had managed to find his way to Quatre's house. He had been standing at the door with his finger on the doorbell for what seemed like hours, but was more likely two minutes. Even though he never made a sound, the door opened and Quatre was there.
'Hmm, he's probably got security cameras all over the house, I should have known.'
The blonde boy was standing in the doorway, with quite a confused expression on his face. Duo just stood there, staring at his feet. He could only see the other boy out of the corner of his eye. He knew he should look up, but wasn't sure if he'd be able to.
"Duo, why are you he..." Duo looked up slowly but deliberately, and the expression on Quatre's face changed from confusion to concern. "Oh my, come in." He said as he ushered the braided haired boy into the house, closing the door. He was asking Duo questions and generally making pleasantries, but they were falling on deaf ears.
'Well, I guess I have to explain it to him. Explain to him how I opened up to Heero, how I bared my soul, how I spent months looking for the crystal box the colour of Heero's eyes, to have it thrown down, crushed, trampled on and my heart shattered. How I was so afraid that I forced the person I love into something that they were not ready for, and inadvertently drove them away. How I destroyed my chance for happiness.'
Heero had managed to walk through every room of their apartment, dwelling on every memento they owned, but there was no avoiding it. He eventually had to return to that part of the living room, where the most likely broken gift lay on the floor where he had thrown it. Walking into the room, scattered pieces of wood from the coffee table were the first thing he saw. Walking around those, he saw shards of blue crystal. The box had shattered. 'Shit' Heero thought, his mind not wanting to accept the fact that he had broken Duo's gift to him. He was about to walk away from the mess when he noticed a neatly folded piece of paper on the floor.
'It must have been in the box.' Heero thought when he observed how the crystal was scattered around it. Carefully, he picked it up off the floor and unfolded it. It was written in Duo's neat handwriting, which he only uses when he spends a lot of time writing something. He began to read.
[[Dear Heero,
I know that we haven't had the best relationship. I know that you didn't think we could make it at the beginning. I know that you were unsure about us moving in together. I know that you didn't believe in your own love, but you can believe in mine.
I'm not too good with these types of things, but I figured that writing would make it easier for both of us. I could say all I wanted without babbling (I know how much you hate that Hee-chan) and you could take it in at whatever pace you wanted.
I think all I can say is that I love you. I don't know if you can believe it, but I do. I've known it for quite sometime. I've been debating with myself for a long time on how to tell you. As you are reading this, I should be sitting with you. My hands are probably shaking. I'm scared Heero, but I believe in my feelings. I love you, and somehow, I hope that you can love me too.
Forever Yours
Duo Maxwell ]]
It was as if the emotions he felt before were dull in comparison to the blinding pain he felt now. 'Duo had put everything into that, and all I could think about was myself and my own pain. Duo knew. Duo knew me. Duo understood, and I didn't see any of it. I didn't understand him at all. Did I even try?'
Heero felt as though he was going to either cry or scream aloud. He walked out onto the balcony, still holding the paper, it's middle being crushed as he clenched a fist.
'Duo, I'm so sorry.
This shouldn't be happening.
I love you.
It's all my fault.'
Trowa had been sitting on a couch when Duo walked in. He had silently gotten up to prepare one of the guest rooms. Quatre was being the perfect host. He had made tea for Duo and was now sitting pouring it for him. Duo could tell that Quatre wanted to ask what was wrong, but felt it would be rude to pry when Duo was so visibly upset.
'Visibly Upset,' Duo sighed. 'I've tried for so very long to not show any true emotions and I think I've shown more than my share today.' He sighed again. 'I should go back. I've got to stop running away from everything. I should go back and make this whole mess end. I started this, and it needs to end. So why don't I? Because I don't know how it's going to end. I don't know what is going to happen if I do go back. I feel so out of control. It's all his decision now. I don't have any control if I go back there. However, if I don't go back just now, I could have control after all. Maybe I'll just stay here and make him wait. Yeah, I'll make him wait, then he'll come looking for me and be begging my forgiveness. That should teach him.'
His thought was interrupted by Quatre's hand slipping itself onto his own. He looked up at the concern in his friend's eyes and suddenly all his anger melted away. And he felt the pain. 'I risked it all, and lost. I lost everything that was important to me because I was insecure, I wanted more, I got greedy.'
He opened his mouth to say what would be the first thing he said since he got there. He wanted to tell Quatre about the box, the letter, the paranoia of losing Heero. He wanted to tell him everything, except he felt his body grow heavy with emotions as he whispered softly but clearly.
"It's all my fault."
The door shut with a soft click. There had been no harsh words, no swearing, no insults to be regretted at a later time. There was only a simple click that left two boys on opposites sides of a door. There were only two options given when faced with such a situation, fight or flight. Duo chose the latter.
He had begun walking down the hall, but soon he could not keep himself from running past the carpeted row of apartments. He ran away from it all. From the apartment he shared with Heero. From the hurt that he had tried to leave there. All of it. He ran into the elevator and pressed the worn button to make the mechanical doors slide close. The elevator hummed, waiting to be given a destination. Duo slid to the floor and brought his knees up to his face. A small smile spread across his face
'Well, here I am again. Alone, again.' The smiles faded as he let his head rest on his knees. 'I shouldn't have given it to him. Why did I want to change things? Sure, we weren't the perfect couple, but who is? I could have left things how they were and I wouldn't be sitting in this elevator. I wouldn't be wondering how things could have gone so wrong so fast.'
Heero had chosen the other option. He stared at the beat up piece of oak that had previously been their coffee table. A single question had been repeating in his mind while destroying the piece of furniture.
'Why was I so scared?'
While it appeared that he was observing the room, he was really looking everywhere else except for where he had just been standing. 'A gift. It was only a gift. How could that have scared me?' Heero put his head in his hands and closed his eyes. All he could see was violet orbs peering at him. 'Why am I lying to myself, it wasn't the gift. It was the way he looked at me. He was wanting something. I don't even know if he knew it himself, but it was clear in his eyes. He wanted something more than I had given him. Something more than the empty words of comfort that seemed to automatically emerge from me at appropriate times.'
'I don't really blame him for wanting more. I was never exactly the ideal companion. He would show such emotion, and all I would do was answer with a simple 'Hn'. It's not that I don't care for him. I really do, it's just....I just wasn't ready to open up. And why wasn't I ready? Why was I so afraid?'
'It was just a gift, it shouldn't have been something that mattered that much.'
'Then why am I alone?'
Somehow, Duo had managed to make the elevator move and was walking down the street. It was a Saturday, and a lot of people were out shopping and doing other such 'normal' things. The streets were crowded, and a light snow covered the ground. A group of children were playing in a small park, completely unaware of the bustling 'adult' world that moved around them.
'I don't understand why I needed to change things. Wait, that's wrong, I know exactly why. I was afraid. I saw him, and I was with him, but it was always like he was somewhere else. Like he was thinking of something else, someone else.' Duo shook his head attempting to stop that train of thought. 'I'm just being paranoid again. That's how it all started, isn't it? I thought that I could be reassured, that he would say something that would make me stop being afraid that he would just walk out the door one day. So what am I doing? I'm running away myself.'
'I should go back there and give him a piece of my mind.'
'I should tell him that I am tired of speculating about his feelings.'
'I should tell him what I want from him, and that if he can't give it, I'm going to leave forever.'
'I should...but I won't. I know I won't because I'm still walking. My legs are still pulling me down the street. I can barely feel them, but I know I'm moving. I feel so numb. I feel so dead.'
'How could he be so bold all the time? How could he never just want to hide inside himself and be shielded from it all. That's all I want to do. How I wish I could.'
Heero was now wandering through their apartment. Stopping every once in a while to examine some trinket that Duo had bought for some reason that Heero could never understand. Trinkets that Heero thought unimportant, but now the sentimental value seeped through and caused an epiphany for the young man.
'It was a mask. How could I have never seen it before, yet it is all too clear now. I thought he was just showing everything, that he was stronger than I was, that he didn't want to hide, but I was wrong. Was he just like me, but I was too blind to see it? Too convinced that I was alone to realize that he was with me? I should have known.'
He picked up a picture of him and Duo taken a few months ago. They had been at a city park. Heero remembered that day, it was the day that Duo told him that he wanted to move in with him. The picture was taken a few minutes after by a street photographer. Heero was sitting with his face expressionless, and Duo was standing behind him grinning profusely.
'I remember being scared then too. I think I blabbed something about convenience, and security, and other pointless excuses to why his suggestion was acceptable. He just grinned and said 'Great!' I can see now by this picture though, his face says that he is happy, but his eyes say that he is hurting. Hurting because I didn't care. Why didn't I see this before? How could I have not noticed? When did I become so blind?'
'Should I?
Shouldn't I?
Should I?
Shouldn't I?
Yes?
No?
Yes?
No?
Ye...'
The door opened stopping Duo in mid-thought. In his wandering he had managed to find his way to Quatre's house. He had been standing at the door with his finger on the doorbell for what seemed like hours, but was more likely two minutes. Even though he never made a sound, the door opened and Quatre was there.
'Hmm, he's probably got security cameras all over the house, I should have known.'
The blonde boy was standing in the doorway, with quite a confused expression on his face. Duo just stood there, staring at his feet. He could only see the other boy out of the corner of his eye. He knew he should look up, but wasn't sure if he'd be able to.
"Duo, why are you he..." Duo looked up slowly but deliberately, and the expression on Quatre's face changed from confusion to concern. "Oh my, come in." He said as he ushered the braided haired boy into the house, closing the door. He was asking Duo questions and generally making pleasantries, but they were falling on deaf ears.
'Well, I guess I have to explain it to him. Explain to him how I opened up to Heero, how I bared my soul, how I spent months looking for the crystal box the colour of Heero's eyes, to have it thrown down, crushed, trampled on and my heart shattered. How I was so afraid that I forced the person I love into something that they were not ready for, and inadvertently drove them away. How I destroyed my chance for happiness.'
Heero had managed to walk through every room of their apartment, dwelling on every memento they owned, but there was no avoiding it. He eventually had to return to that part of the living room, where the most likely broken gift lay on the floor where he had thrown it. Walking into the room, scattered pieces of wood from the coffee table were the first thing he saw. Walking around those, he saw shards of blue crystal. The box had shattered. 'Shit' Heero thought, his mind not wanting to accept the fact that he had broken Duo's gift to him. He was about to walk away from the mess when he noticed a neatly folded piece of paper on the floor.
'It must have been in the box.' Heero thought when he observed how the crystal was scattered around it. Carefully, he picked it up off the floor and unfolded it. It was written in Duo's neat handwriting, which he only uses when he spends a lot of time writing something. He began to read.
[[Dear Heero,
I know that we haven't had the best relationship. I know that you didn't think we could make it at the beginning. I know that you were unsure about us moving in together. I know that you didn't believe in your own love, but you can believe in mine.
I'm not too good with these types of things, but I figured that writing would make it easier for both of us. I could say all I wanted without babbling (I know how much you hate that Hee-chan) and you could take it in at whatever pace you wanted.
I think all I can say is that I love you. I don't know if you can believe it, but I do. I've known it for quite sometime. I've been debating with myself for a long time on how to tell you. As you are reading this, I should be sitting with you. My hands are probably shaking. I'm scared Heero, but I believe in my feelings. I love you, and somehow, I hope that you can love me too.
Forever Yours
Duo Maxwell ]]
It was as if the emotions he felt before were dull in comparison to the blinding pain he felt now. 'Duo had put everything into that, and all I could think about was myself and my own pain. Duo knew. Duo knew me. Duo understood, and I didn't see any of it. I didn't understand him at all. Did I even try?'
Heero felt as though he was going to either cry or scream aloud. He walked out onto the balcony, still holding the paper, it's middle being crushed as he clenched a fist.
'Duo, I'm so sorry.
This shouldn't be happening.
I love you.
It's all my fault.'
Trowa had been sitting on a couch when Duo walked in. He had silently gotten up to prepare one of the guest rooms. Quatre was being the perfect host. He had made tea for Duo and was now sitting pouring it for him. Duo could tell that Quatre wanted to ask what was wrong, but felt it would be rude to pry when Duo was so visibly upset.
'Visibly Upset,' Duo sighed. 'I've tried for so very long to not show any true emotions and I think I've shown more than my share today.' He sighed again. 'I should go back. I've got to stop running away from everything. I should go back and make this whole mess end. I started this, and it needs to end. So why don't I? Because I don't know how it's going to end. I don't know what is going to happen if I do go back. I feel so out of control. It's all his decision now. I don't have any control if I go back there. However, if I don't go back just now, I could have control after all. Maybe I'll just stay here and make him wait. Yeah, I'll make him wait, then he'll come looking for me and be begging my forgiveness. That should teach him.'
His thought was interrupted by Quatre's hand slipping itself onto his own. He looked up at the concern in his friend's eyes and suddenly all his anger melted away. And he felt the pain. 'I risked it all, and lost. I lost everything that was important to me because I was insecure, I wanted more, I got greedy.'
He opened his mouth to say what would be the first thing he said since he got there. He wanted to tell Quatre about the box, the letter, the paranoia of losing Heero. He wanted to tell him everything, except he felt his body grow heavy with emotions as he whispered softly but clearly.
"It's all my fault."