D. Gray-Man: The Abridged Series
Episode 1
Narrator: Exorcists, and all sorts of crazy crap. This story takes place at the end of the 19th century. Back when life was simple. Oh look! It's the golden snitch!
[Timcanpy flies over to Allen in the stagecoach]
Narrator: I can't help but think something's horribly wrong here.
[Allen is talking to the clown and carnival skank]
Narrator: Alright, here is where I draw the line. A clown and a circus skank? I mean, this series has nothing to do with clowns! That's it, I'm outta here!
Allen: But wait! You can't leave! What about the rest of the show?
Narrator: Fuck the rest of the show!
[The police girl and her partner are investigating an abandoned mansion]
Police Girl: Now, let's check out this random creepy old building.
[Door creeks open on its own]
Police Girl: Wow, this place looks almost as bad as the 4kids entertainment building.
[Batman theme starts playing as the akuma attacks the other officer]
[The officer's body turns to dust, leaving nothing left but his clothes.]
[Allen grabs Police Girl]
Allen: How dare you compare this old abandoned mansion to the 4kids entertainment building! The real 4kids entertainment building is ten times worse than this!
[Police Girl handcuffs Allen]
Allen: Huh? Well this is quite the compromising position.
Police Girl: Well, what are you doing here, kid?
Allen: Well… What do you get when you have me in handcuffs, some horny fangirls, and a playboy mansion?
[The other officer screams as he dies]
Police Girl: What was that?
Allen: How the hell should I know? If you let me out of these handcuffs I could help…
Police Girl: Oh, handcuffs? I think I might have left some fur lined ones down in the car…
[Allen and Police Girl find the other officer's clothes chained to the wall]
Police Girl: Who would do something like this to a perfectly good cape!?
Allen: 4kids entertainment…
[A strange smoke starts to fill the room]
Police Girl: Wait what?
Allen: Don't breathe that smoke. It'll make you talk in really cheesy short sentences that will barely fit the mouth movements. Just barely so the words can get out without the animator's budget breaking.
[Police Girl wakes up in the police station]
Officer: Aw shit. She's awake. Now our plans of raping her go straight down the drain!
Police Girl: What..?
Officer: I mean… Umm… The chief wants to see you.
[Police Girl walks into the Chief's office to see the Chief questioning Allen]
Chief: Alright, I'm going to ask you one more time. What the fucking hell were you doing in that fucking abandoned mansion!?
Allen: Uhh.. Can you repeat that? I couldn't hear you over that censor.
Police Girl: Umm.. Chief I can explain.
Chief: No, this is my screen time! At least you get to be in two episodes! I won't let you take this away from me! I have rights! I'm an American citizen god dammit!
Allen: Actually, we live in England…
Chief: Shit… But I'm going to get to the bottom of this like a good cop should! Just like those cops from Deathnote who always work hard, eat right, and let a teenage boy do all their thinking for them!
Officer: But Chief, it's 7:30.
Chief: 7:30?! Oh boy! Gillmore Girls is on and I'm missing it!
[Allen and Police Girl are just standing in his office, thoroughly confused.]
[At Police Girl's house]
Police Girl: *sighs* Alright, kid. Since you have no place to go, I guess the writers made you stay here with me at my house. But I better not find you going through my drawers…
[Mark suddenly appears from his room]
Allen: Whoa! How did a crippled guy get up three flights of stairs!?
Police Girl: Mark! Erg, well… Allen this is Mark. He was supposed to marry my sister. Alas, somehow she was killed. And he became a drooling vegetable. So I got stuck with him.
Allen: Sucks for you! Wait a minute! Weird cursed eye power, activate!
[Allen sees that Mark is an akuma (He sees the human soul trapped within the akuma)]
[Mark transforms into the actual akuma form]
[Mark blows up Police Girl's house]
Allen: Oh shit! It's back! I guess I have no choice… It's time to waste all of the animation money on this one fight scene!
[Allen transforms his arm into an anti-akuma weapon]
[Allen slashes the akuma, and frees the trapped human soul]
Soul of Police Girl's sister: Thank you Allen Walker! But there is one thing you must tell the other exorcists. The Millennium Earl plans on amassing an akuma army to defeat the Black Order. Actually he's standing right behind you. Oh wait, that's not him… It's some transvestite looking person with red hair.
Grell: I HAVE A NAME YOU KNOW! Well time to gather this soul's cinematic records.
[Just as Grell is about to collect the cinematic records, the soul does something odd]
[The soul rips off its face revealing Dylan's face]
Dylan: Bamboozled… *snaps*
Grell: Well this is a travesty! Where's Bassy when I need him? OH BASSY!
[Sebastian hops into the scene]
Sebastian: What is it that you need, Grell? I was busy making tea when you yelled.
Grell: Well I obviously called you here so I could take some sexy action poses of you! No, I actually need you to say something for me.
[Grell whispers into Sebastian's ear what he wants him to say]
Sebastian: That was simply, one hell of a bamboozlement.