Sometimes I come up with stupid things on the fly. My editing sucks- I would not be surprised if there were more than two errors in this short drabble of mine. Anyway, enjoy, and as always, I am very grateful for reviews.
He tries to understand what he feels as she is taken from him. He feels it when she is sleeping and her face is soft, or when she is speaking and her eyes are light, or when she laughs and everything about her is so humanly warm that something inside of him melts…
What is it?
This body is not meant to house such things as feelings.
Feelings are weak, and thus must be eradicated. Of course, there is nothing wrong with identifying the weakness properly before it's destruction. In fact, it may just be better that way. To understand something is to know how it breaks.
Possessiveness-
Demanding of someone's total and complete attention
Yes, of course that is correct. He knows that this feeling is possessive- it hurts when she sighs the shinigami's name and it instills silent hate in him when she speaks of better days when she laughed and love freely.
But there is more.
There is more.
Lust-
Very strong and carnal sexual desire
Perhaps. He does lust for everything about her. Yes, that is right. But there is more- because it was not her body that instilled this feeling in him first. It was her foolish heart and the way she whispered to herself with a small smile; she had been lonely, she had been crushed, but she had been so kind.
There is more than lust.
There is more.
Desire
The strong feeling of want
That was true. He wanted her mind, her body, her attention- everything that was completely her.
But there is more- he wants to give to her, too. He wants for good to her from himself not so that she may desire him, but so that she will smile. Is that desire? Perhaps. But is this feeling desire?
No, no, there is always more.
Affection-
A gentle feeling of fondness or liking
No. No, that is not right. Fondness? Folly, all of it, it is all just ridiculous. Still… he cannot deny that he does like her, and yes, yes he may be… fond- of her. What is the problem with such feelings when he will destroy them soon, in any case?
Still, it is not right. There is nothing gentle about this feeling.
There is more, still.
And what more is there? What other thing could this be? Something that is possessiveness, and lust, and desire, and affection? There is nothing; nothing more- these feelings must simply exist together in no state of exact being. But…
Love
An intense feeling of deep affection,
The strong desire for a person (or thing) and their wellbeing
A deep romantic and sexual (or lustful) attachment
A sometimes possessive want or need of someone (or something) as a being
No.
That could not be it.
Espada did not feel the ridiculous notion of love; much less him, the Espada of despair. Of emptiness. He had no heart, nothing in his head, nothing in his hand.
Still…
She is beautiful when she smiles.
... These feelings must be crushed.