Disclaimer: Just playing with someone else's toys...but you know that already. Carry on dear reader.
Warnings: Character death, suicide, sexual situations, and brief homophobic language.
AN: This is an AU based off of the One Direction song Moments. I went through a boy band phase a few years ago (but who am I kidding, I still love my boy bands!), and this was written during that time. I just recently found it on my computer! It's a sad little oneshot, but I thought it was beautiful in its own way.
Flashing lights in my mind
Going back to the time
Playing games in the street
Kicking balls at my feet
There's a numb in my toes
Standing close to the edge
There's a pile of my clothes
At the end of your bed
As I feel myself fall
Make a joke of it all
~Moments by One Direction
The door closes with a snap and Remus turns to look at his boyfriend. He's not sure what to say. The walk home had been silent, but the words they'd been avoiding speaking out loud had made their presence known in the awkward way they'd attempted mundane conversation and in the way Sirius had grabbed Remus' hand and had been unable to let go even after some drunk wizard had shouted "fucking fags" at them as they'd passed.
Sirius' eyes are bright and lust filled, and Remus understands that for now words are not needed. Slowly, his eyes never leaving Sirius', he starts unbuttoning his own shirt.
Sirius doesn't even let him finish. With a wave of his wand, Remus' clothes are gone.
A moment later and desperate hands and sloppy kisses and heated moans take the place of all that is left unsaid.
The clock on the wall ticks quietly, second after second passing, and Sirius doesn't have to look at it to know that it's late. He's wide awake, despite the long day he's had; his mind is full of the Healer's diagnosis and the resulting turmoil it has caused for him and for the man now sleeping beside him.
He strokes his lover's arm gently, fingertips grazing warm skin; the touch calms him somewhat, but he still cannot help but think, for the hundredth time that night, how incredibly unfair -
Remus shifts in sleep, and Sirius at once turns his attention to him, but the other man stops moving a moment later and he feels grateful for it; while Remus talking in his sleep may be entertaining, he is not in the mood for such things tonight. Nor does he want Remus to wake. He's still trying to process the day's events and doesn't want Remus to see him in such a state. They'd not talked about it after; Remus seemed to sense it wasn't the right time, and he'd been quite right.
Sirius' heart beats harder as his trembling hands reach to run his fingers through messy hair. He doesn't even realize he's crying until he feels the drops fall from his nose and unexpectedly a wave of emotion speeds through him and it's all too much. Sobbing quietly into his hands, he lets the tide take him. He can't remember the last time he'd broken down but it feels good to let go.
And when he feels the bed move, and Remus' arms wrap around him comfortingly, a rush of something he can't name, something intense and all consuming, nearly threatens to drown him.
Somehow, the touch meant to be soothing only makes this harder to bear.
Days pass and they still haven't spoken about it. Sirius knows Remus is waiting for him to be ready.
He also knows that time is a luxury they can't wait for.
But he's not ready to say it out loud.
Children shriek with laughter as they run after one another, a torn-up soccer ball the target of their games. Remus grins, remembering his days watching a different sport, and glances over at Sirius. He's watching with a wistful look, and Remus' heart constricts with a thousand emotions.
"Come play with us!" A boy of about seven motions to them eagerly, and with a shared glance they move to join the fun.
Remus can't remember the last time he'd played like this. We should do this more often, he thinks as he kicks the ball to Sirius. He laughs as Sirius misses the ball and it's taken by the "enemy" team – a smattering of little children and their older siblings – and Sirius laughs freely out loud and it's the best sound Remus has heard in days.
As they walk home Sirius slips his hand into Remus' and by the way Sirius squeezes Remus knows that it's time.
"It's bloody bullocks," is the first thing that leaves Sirius' mouth as soon as they arrive home.
Remus doesn't speak. His throat is tight and he's afraid that he'll say the wrong thing if he opens his mouth.
"We're supposed to be better equipped to deal with things," Sirius continues, and every word drips with frustration. "Magic is supposed to make things easier. It's supposed to fix things. Otherwise what's the point of it all? We can bloody grow bones back and mend most things with a simple potion or spell – why the fuck can't we mend this too?"
Remus doesn't know what to say. The same thoughts have been swirling in his mind for days now.
"And what makes it worse," Sirius says bitterly, "is that things were perfect. I had everything I ever wanted – and now it's all gone."
"No," Remus says fiercely. "You still have it. Maybe it's only for one more day. Maybe more. But you're still here. I'm still here. And we'll get through this together."
Sirius stares at him. Remus looks back unflinchingly. "Now is the time to live, Sirius! Cherish the time you have. Spend time with people you love. Do things you've never done. And I'll be there every step of the way."
Sirius looks at him a long time before cracking a tentative smile. "Promise?" he says softly.
"Promise."
"I love you," Sirius murmurs.
Remus pulls him into a tight embrace. "I love you," he repeats with feeling, whispering into Sirius' ear.
When Sirius pulls back his eyes are dry, but his voice betrays his emotions. "I haven't told James or Peter yet. Will you – be there when I do?"
"Seriously, you had to ask?" Remus tries to joke, but it sounds weak even to his own ears. "Of course I'll be there."
Sirius nods, relief flooding his features and Remus leans in to kiss him. His last thought before succumbing to Sirius' desperate enthusiasm is remember this moment.
Remus closes the door quietly. He doesn't lock it. Tossing his key, he turns to hang his coat in the closet but freezes when he catches sight of a leather jacket.
"Remus you shouldn't have – "
"Don't worry about it. They say you're supposed to wear leather when on a motorbike, and I know it's more for flight but I'd rather you have the proper gear just in case."
"It's brilliant. Did you have it custom made? A full moon surrounded by my constellation – "
"Yes. It's supposed to represent us, you see?"
"Moony, it's perfect."
Remus slides the closet shut, attempting to stem the tide of memory. He doesn't want to be reminded. It hurts too much. He closes the blinds with a wave of his wand, hiding the cloudy night sky.
James and Lily had tried to convince him to stay the night with them, and Pete had suggested they go out on the town, but he'd refused their offers. He didn't want to be with anyone right now, not even his best friends.
Remus collapses on the couch, curling his hands into fists to stop them from shaking. His mouth opens as though he wants to scream but only a low moan comes out, and then he's crying, great sobs wracking his body and he just wishes they could have one more day –
We can have one more day, he thinks morbidly. We could have forever. The idea takes hold and the pain is overwhelming and some part of him realizes his judgment is clouded but he can't help himself because he just wants this awful aching in his chest, his body, all the way deep down to his soul, to end.
He apparates with a pop and appears at the edge of a cliff. He's about a mile from the house he lived in as a child. He'd often come here as a young boy and stare out at the water beyond, his thoughts running a mile a minute. This used to be his sanctuary, of sorts.
He'd once taken Sirius here, the summer between their sixth and seventh year. They'd spent the day lying on the grass staring up at the sky and talking about inconsequential things until Sirius had turned to him and blurted out I really want to kiss you right now. Remus had looked at him for a moment before surprising himself by saying well then get to it, you git.
Remus looks down, his toes at the edge, but he isn't really seeing the waves below. There's the sight of Sirius looking disheveled from hours of snogging and the flashing lights and the smell of firecrackers James once set off on New Year's Eve and kicking the ball to Sirius on the other side of the street and clothes strewn across the floor.
And as Remus feels the lurching in his stomach and the weight of gravity pulling him down he thinks about how seriously ready he is to see –
~fin~