Disclaimer: I'm just an obsessive '90s child who happens to have watched every HA episode and listened to every Craig Bartlett interview that ever existed. Plz don't sue me, Nickelodeon. It's not my fault I was born a freak!
Sophomore Slump
1: Summer's End
Helga Pataki was not happy.
This wasn't unusual, but today her temper was worsening at an exponential rate every minute she spent standing (still) in Slausen's, her dirt-encrusted fingernails drumming against the countertop, blonde ponytail still sticky with the remnants of strawberry ice cream some obnoxious toddler had sprayed her with during an earlier temper tantrum. It just had to be strawberry ice cream, didn't it? Now her whole face was probably gonna break out in hives, for God's sake.
The one thing keeping her spirits buoyant enough to stop her from sinking completely was the knowledge that this was, in fact, her last night of the summer on shift. She never had to walk into this Godforsaken parlor again, after tonight. And after more than two months of madness - two months of plastering on fake smiles, of nursing her fingers blistered from scooping frozen desserts for whiny kids and overly giggly teenagers, of crying in the back bathroom in secret more times than she'd ever, ever admit to a single soul out loud - she never wanted to.
"About ready to pack it up, kiddo?" a syrupy voice called out to her from the back of the store. Mr. Slausen emerged from behind the row of commercial freezers, his dark eyes sparkling with some strange wicked humor.
"How many times do I have to ask you not to call me kiddo?" Helga snapped. "Yes, Bill, I've been ready to pack it up for three hours."
The elderly man laughed heartily. Helga had long ago guessed that any normal supervisor would have fired her by now, but Bill Slausen was a special kind of weirdo. Even after spending the entire summer working under him, Helga couldn't decide whether to feel offended by his patronizing attitude or grateful that he put up with her sour one at all.
"Well, we can probably wrap up a little early, then," Mr. Slausen told her, looking down at his watch. "It's been a pleasure having you this summer, Helga. I can't thank you enough for all your help."
"Yeah, yeah. Thanks for hiring me and stuff," Helga said, untying the strings of her apron. Just as she was pulling the offensive item off of her chest, the bell above the glass door jingled and two teenagers wandered in, chattering softly.
"So then I said to the waiter, I'm ever so certain you served beef. What I asked for was turkey."
The boy beside Lila Sawyer, his head shaped oddly enough to be spotted a hundred miles away, laughed politely. Helga's stomach dropped so fast she felt sure she was about to vomit. Her knees buckling underneath her, panic bubbling in her stomach like some horrible hot lava, she attempted to dart down underneath the countertop. But it was too late.
"Helga?" came Arnold's inquisitive voice.
"Was that Helga?" Lila echoed.
The fifteen-year-old winced as she grabbed the edges of the counter and slowly stood up again. She could feel her face burning red.
"Oh, uh - hey Arnoldo, sup you guys," she said casually, nodding at the pair.
"You worried me for a moment," Lila told her. "The way you slid down like that, I thought you might have fainted."
"I dropped a quarter," Helga snarled in response, stomach still roiling.
"I..." Arnold started awkwardly. His own cheeks were flushing, Helga realized, but the source of his sudden stammer was probably the pretty freckle-faced girl at his side - looking sickeningly stunning in a green sundress that hugged her petite figure. "I didn't know you would be on shift this late," he finished.
Helga rolled her eyes. "Well, we were trying to close up here."
"Oh, I'm sorry, Helga!" Lila said immediately. "We'll just be on our way. If you're done working, do you want to join us? I'm certain we'd love to have your company."
"Yeah, we would," Arnold added, but Helga couldn't help but notice that his eyes were suddenly shifting downwards, focusing on the floor.
Helga didn't know how she did it, but she managed to smirk at them. "Well... thanks, you guys. But I don't think so. Too tired. It's been a long day."
"She'll get you some ice cream," Mr. Slausen insisted over her shoulder. "And then we'll close up."
"Alright. You heard the man. What kind'll it be?" Helga asked, staring vacantly beyond the heads of Lila and Arnold and through the glass door. She wished she could dissipate into the sticky August humidity.
"Well, okay, if you're sure," Lila said, offering a winning smile to everyone around her. "I'd love one scoop of strawberry ice cream in a sugar cone."
Figures, Helga thought darkly.
"And for you, Football Head?"
"Oh, I - uh - I'll just have a scoop of vanilla in a cup. Thanks, Helga."
Helga filled their orders wordlessly, her fingers moving quickly over the cold metal scoop. She prayed to whatever God up above might be listening that neither of them could tell how violently her hands were trembling.
"Have a good night, you two," she called after Mr. Slausen had given Arnold his change. She continued staring through the glass for several moments after they left, watching their retreating figures in the dark until they were completely gone from view.
When she finally whipped around, she found Mr. Slausen staring at her with a sympathetic expression on his face. It was almost like he thought he knew her or what she was feeling, and Helga couldn't stand that. She fought internally against the urge to punch him.
"Take a picture," she mumbled. "It'll last longer."
"I won't ask any questions," he said, taking the balled up apron in her clenched fist.
"Yeah, don't," she muttered in response. The nauseous feeling in her stomach seemed to be clawing its way up her chest and into her throat. She tasted its fiery edges, trying her best to swallow down the bile.
"I hope the school year goes well," he told her.
"Doubt it. See ya around, Bill."
"If you ever need anything," Mr. Slausen said slowly, giving her a salute as she made her way towards the door, "You know where to find me."
It was already dark outside when Eugene Horowitz rapped on his friend's door. A constellation of stars rimmed the edges of the sky, vague and just barely visible behind the brighter Hillwood lights and skyscrapers.
"Oh, hi, Eugene," the woman who appeared on the front stoop told him. He felt warmth pool in his stomach at the sound of her voice, rich as butter, and the familiar glow in her face. She was wearing a crown of buttercups atop her head of near waist-length graying hair, just as she'd done for as many years back as Eugene could remember. "Sheena, honey!" she called.
Eugene stepped into the front hall, stomping the wet grass from his sneakers. Ann Austin came bounding down the staircase in a flurry, yapping loudly and knocking him over in her enthusiasm. The happy beagle began licking at every inch of skin she could reach.
"Oh, Annie, calm down!" Sheena giggled as she appeared behind them in her cutoff shorts and tank top. "Hi Eugene."
She bent over, collected Annie in her arms, and pulled Eugene up by the hand.
"What are you two doing tonight?" Sheena's mother asked pleasantly.
"Oh, I don't know," Sheena squeaked. "Ice cream? A walk in the park?"
"Yes to both of those," Eugene said, nodding.
Slowly, Sheena made her way to her usual spot next to the open window above the living room couch. She pressed her face to the screen, inhaling the late summer air deeply and inquisitively.
He smiled, having always found comfort in this - the little things she did that seemed to stay the same, forever, despite the shifting torrents of time underneath them.
"It smells fresh," Sheena said decisively in her high-pitched voice. "And cleansing. Let's go, Eugene."
"You two have fun," her mother called behind them, winking as they headed out and down the front steps. The heady August nighttime swirled around him again, adding yet another layer of sweat to his already sticky body.
"What do you think it'll be like, this year?" Sheena mused lightly.
"I don't know," Eugene admitted. "I'm a little bit nervous. But I'm sure it will be fun," he added quickly. "It always turns out okay in the end."
"Yeah," Sheena agreed. "But tenth grade is different than ninth. High school is going to be - you know, real this year. We'll have AP classes. We'll have to start thinking about college soon."
"That's true," Eugene said, shifting on his feet. "But we'll make it. We always do."
There was a pause, thick with the sounds of humming crickets and children bubbling over with their enjoyment of the last night of summer.
"Eugene," Sheena continued hesitantly, "Is something wrong?"
Eugene could feel his stomach dropping, the familiar nauseous feeling he got every time he sat down at the back of a city bus. But he smiled at her uncertainly. "Wrong?" he repeated. "What could be wrong?"
She stopped walking to study him for a moment, her eyes suddenly full of questions that scared him to his core.
"I'm going to audition for the school play," Eugene said hastily, glancing away from her. "This year is my year, I just know it. I'm not going to chicken out again, not like last year."
"Well... that sounds nice."
"It will be nice. Gosh, Sheena, I'm sure it'll be wonderful."
"Eugene, I..." Sheena began, but within a second he was yelping out as he toppled to the ground, his shoelace having caught on the edge of a bump in the sidewalk.
Her fingertips laced with his as she pulled him to his feet - gently, easily, with the fluid motions of someone who had become well-versed in a routine.
"You don't have to lie to me," she said quietly. Her irises pooled with something sweet and calming. "You can tell me if you're scared."
"I know," he told her.
The moon shifted above them, beckoning brightly with the promise of something new. He just hoped he was ready for whatever that might be.
Rhonda Lloyd had one cheek pressed to the receiver of her phone as she blew gently on her freshly polished nails.
It had been a lovely few months for her. In between visits to Wee Burn Country Club - watching her father play golf along the perfect turf hills, drinking virgin margaritas and diet Cokes with Lorenzo, excelling in her tennis lessons with the true diligence of a Lloyd - she'd still found time to sunbathe at the Hillwood community pool, which, though not without its faults had turned out to be a rather exciting hangout spot. Her skin, naturally milky white, had darkened to a light shade of olive. And now, her pores freshly exfoliated with her favorite Biote Facial Mud, dark locks strengthened to perfection with a hydrating hair mask, and her first-day-of-school outfit finally picked out for the next day, she was feeling ready. Nervous - but ready.
"Nadine, you just wouldn't believe the summer I've had," she mused into the phone. "I know I've called the city pool unhygienic in the past - and it is, Nadine, it is - but if you were there, you'd have seen what I did and you'd have understood. He's gorgeous, completely gorgeous. His name is Samuel - he goes to Hillwood and he's going to be a senior this year... what? Yes, a senior."
"What does he look like?" Nadine giggled on the other end.
"Prince Charming," Rhonda told her dreamily. "Tall, dark, and handsome. The most perfect brown eyes and the most shapely arm muscles. And his abs. I'm telling you, if it weren't for the awful things the chlorine would have done to my hair, I'd have jumped in and pretended to drown so he could save me."
Nadine laughed. "What a drama queen."
"Of course. How long have you known me, Nadine?" Rhonda asked, now applying her miracle lash growth serum to the corners of her eyelids. "Anyway, he's the most handsome lifeguard you'll ever meet, and I'm going to hang out with him this year."
"How exactly are you going to manage that?"
"Well, I'm friends with him, of course. All his friends, too. Connie, Maria, Emily, Kelly. Emily saw me at the beginning of July and told me I had the cutest bikini in the world, which I did, because it's exclusive Dior. And we just kind of, you know, became friends from there. I had a Fourth of July soirée and they were flattered that I invited them."
"Oh," Nadine said. "Well, that sounds fun, I guess." There was a touch of something low and deflated in her voice. But it wasn't as though Rhonda could help it that her best friend had opted to go away to some freaky insectology boot camp in the woods for the entire summer. If Nadine had been in Hillwood, of course, then she'd have been invited to the party, too.
"How were the... bugs?" Rhonda asked hesitantly.
"Fantastic," Nadine gushed. Rhonda's heart warmed as she heard the enthusiasm spilling suddenly from her friend's voice like a jumble of light beams. "It was like being in heaven, I swear. So many rare species and breeds. Plus, I've just never been around so many people who love the same thing that I do," she added.
"That's great," Rhonda told her.
"Man, Rhonda, you should see the legs on a long horned orb weaver."
"It sounds..." Rhonda attempted, but trailed off, unable to find an appropriate word.
"I can't wait to show you all the pictures in my journal."
"Were there any cute boys?"
"Not everything is about boys, you know," Nadine retorted, but then giggled again. "Yeah, there were a few."
"And did anything... you know... happen?"
Nadine sighed. "Not to me. I mean, this one kid had a crush on me, but it wasn't really the kind of thing I wanted to... um... act on."
Rhonda screwed the cap decisively back onto her eyelash serum and began running her paddle brush through the ends of her hair. "Well, that's understandable. I didn't really picture a bunch of hotties at insect camp, to be honest. Except for you, of course."
"Right."
"Anyway, that's what new school years are for."
"Yeah, and learning is just a silly little byproduct," Nadine snorted sarcastically.
"I am so excited to see you tomorrow," Rhonda told her. "You have no idea, Nadine. I missed you so much."
"Me too."
"Well, we better get to bed soon. We both need our beauty sleep."
"For sure," Nadine agreed. "See you tomorrow."
Hanging up the phone and returning the brush to her vanity dresser, Rhonda took a moment to breathe deeply - five meditative breaths, in and out, in and out. Just like Lorenzo had taught her. It was going to be a good school year, indeed.
Author's Note: this fic is not AU, in the sense that it takes the events of The Jungle Movie into account (which will become evident in the coming chapters).
I meticulously outlined and planned this story for months, which is more than I can say about most things I do in life. It's longer than anything I've ever written before, and I'm sticking with it until it's done. If you want to review the first chapter, I'd love that. Just… no pointless flames, if you can help it? That makes my heart hurt. Thank you and much love to you 3.