TAKE ME SOMEWHERE NICE
I love the unrequited affection aspect of Jean and Mikasa's relationship. I feel like most only see Jean liking her because of how beautiful she is, but I see something beyond that. I see him as loving her not only for her gorgeous appearance, but because of how she is—strong-willed, compassionate, and influential.
This is in Jean's point of view of course, and has some language. It takes place when both are part of the Trainee Corps, and after Marco's death.
Obvious Jean/Mikasa, albeit a bit one-sided, and a tiny bit of Eren/Mikasa.
God bless Mogwai for being perfect writing music.
"I don't need your help, Jean!"
Stumbling. "Mikasa, I—!"
"Shut up! You don't know anything!"
Shoving, pushing, brushing past with a hard knock and elbow. I could see the mist in her dark, penetrating eyes—the misty water she wanted no one to see, no one to care about. She thought if she was strong, if she could fight without hesitation or equivocation, she could hide her emotions and feelings. She thought no one understood her pain, her turmoil; no one could possibly understand how her heart wrenched every time she headed out into battle, without him by her side. No one could conceivably fathom the pain she knew when she had nearly lost him—her brother, friend; passionate desire.
I knew. Mikasa... I know.
Beyond her delightful features, is a girl I love. Strong, wise, benevolent, resolute, intelligent—she is everything beautiful. I want nothing more than for happiness to flow through her door, but she will never find that happiness if she continues to cling, grasp, and hold onto something she may never reach. She will never find that happiness if she does not allow herself to cry, to be sad; to be vulnerable.
She refuses to let go of Eren, like a mother to her child. He's a big boy Mikasa—let him handle himself for once in his fucking life.
"He doesn't even care about you!"
Stopping, she turned around. Her eyes pulsing red; burning, scorching, smoking. Anger. She walked in disarray with her tiny footsteps resounding, echoing; bouncing off the thick, sweating walls.
Slap. Punch. Heavy breathing. Falling to the floor.
"Fuck you!" Screaming, panting, fever. "You don't know anything, Jean. You know nothing of Eren and I. Nothing! You're just some pampered soldier."
She ran away, angry. She must hate me. Why does she hate me? I only want her to be happy. She'll be happier when she accepts that Eren cares more about killing Titans than he does about her safety. If she died, he would never break down like she did. All he would care about would be killing more fucking Titans. What is with his obsession with that anyway? Crazy fuck. I want to wish death on you but that would only hurt Mikasa... Fuck. You bastard.
If Marco were here he'd probably tell me how stupid I am. Getting so upset over a girl I have no chance with. Becoming so violently angry at someone because of how they treat others. What the hell is wrong with me?
Forgive me, Marco. I'm sorry.
"Mikasa..." was all I could whimper. Her punches made my cheeks inflate, red and swollen and bruised. I could feel the blistering heat on my hands as I touched them, laughing. That's the only way she'll ever touch me, but I'm fine with that.
Brushing off the dirt on my jacket, I stood, staring in the direction she descended. I ran, dashed, raced—as fast as I could to reach her. I had to find her. I had to tell her I was sorry, even if I didn't think I had a fucking thing to apologize for. I didn't want her to hate me. Please don't hate me. Please Mikasa.
There is something so stupidly wrong with me.
She was with him. Eren. And Armin, talking. Was she telling them about me? Is that why Eren looks so angry? Is that Armin looks so scared?
Her hair was tangled; messy. She looked like she had just woken up from a bad dream. Her eyes were red and distent, just like her soft, round cheeks. I wonder if they were hot, just like my own?
Biting my lip, along with my fear and pride, I approached her.
"Mikasa." My chest was starting to tighten. Stiffen. Bind. Before I could say anything, she turned around, the scarlet scarf she always wore dancing along with her as she spun. She looked stunned, as if not expecting me. Though, I guess that's pretty normal.
"Jean..." she trailed off, looking down at her feet. She was fidgeting now, as if something were on her mind. With a stern look, she finally looked into my bland eyes, with her black, somber ones. But before she could speak—
"Armin wants some practice. See you later, Mikasa."
Eren left, with a smiling Armin in tow. He always looked so regretfully happy, his blond hair bouncing.
We watched them leave.
"I'm sorry," I spit out, sullenly. "I'm sorry, Mikasa." I looked down, eyes shut tighter than usual. I'm such a fucking idiot. Why am I doing this?
She... smiled. I only caught a glimpse of it through my tightened eyes. Then, she shook her head. "I should be the one to apologize."
"But—"
"I am too defensive of him," she giggled. "He scolded me."
Did... did he hear? Or did she tell him? God, I feel like an idiot.
My eyes downcast, my heart sank. Of course, it's only because of Eren that she even dares speak to me. Why did he even defend me anyway? "Still, it was not my place to say anything... I'm sorry. I should have—"
"Shh," she whispered, placing her soft, slender finger on my dry lips. "You don't have to say anything, it was my fault. Can we just forget about this?" She paused, taking away her finger from my mouth. "I want us all to be friends, but..."
"But...?" Friends? What is she talking about?
"But... Eren, he—he's so stupid sometimes." Biting her lip, she continued. "I know he's hard to get along with, but please be his friend. He needs friends, even if he may not seem like he does."
So this all about Eren, again. That kid is so fucking dense if he can't realize how much this girl actually cares about him. I tried to laugh to lighten the mood, but it came out sounding weird and awkward. "Aha, well, he is kinda a dweeb..." Why did I say dweeb, that is the dumbest fucking word to use. Fuck fuck fuck. "Uh, I mean. Y-yeah, I'll try, for you anyways."
Another smile. Mikasa looks so angelic when she smiles. I wish she'd do it more often. "Thank you. Now let's put this misunderstanding behind us."
"Yeah... uh, well see ya," Awkward and stiff, as usual. I could never talk normal when it came to Mikasa. We rarely ever got a chance to talk because of Eren always getting in the way. And by getting in the way I mean he's the only person she ever talked to aside from Armin, on occasion.
As I spun around to go back to my room, I heard her say, "Wait!" and walk towards me, standing in front of the nearby doorway to block my exit. What?
"Jean, I really appreciate this. Thank you... for caring." She almost sounded... like she was mumbling; fumbling with her words. I had never heard her speak like that before. Before I had a chance to think more on the matter, I felt her arms wrap and tighten around my back, pulling me into a clumsy hug. I could feel how hot her face was against my chest, through my uniform. Her eyes were still red and puffy.
"M-Mikasa...?"
"Isn't this how... you let you someone know you appreciate what they did?" I could barely understand her, since she didn't lift her face from where it was. "I'm not good at these kinds of things, but," she unwrapped herself from around me and lifted her head up. "I just wanted to thank you."
I could feel my face warm up at her kind words, my cheeks flushing red. My hands were starting to get sweaty. Shit. "Y-yeah, it's no problem! Eren may be weird but he's... uh, nice." I laughed awkwardly again. "Anyways, I'll see you at dinner, I guess."
"Yeah, see you," she smiled back, waving goodbye as we took off in our separate directions.
When I finally got back into my room, all I could think of was Marco. He would have laughed at me. But he would have been happy to see me express all these emotions that I thought I'd never have felt. The Titans... I thought I'd never experience this because of them.
Please don't die, Mikasa. Watch over her for me, Marco.