Oh yea, you know I went there...
Disclaimer: Transformers, the 2008 movie that I'm ripping off, belongs to Michael Bay and DreamWorks, and whoever else owns this movie in real life. This crack plot, and me, belong to, well, me.
Sam Witwicky hated mornings. He hated the period of time before first period the most, because all he could do was hope to not fall asleep.
There was a good 30 seconds before the bell had to ring. What to do? Surely nothing would happen on such a humdrum day in a loser town like his...
Abruptly the door slammed open, and a girl no one recognized walked into the classroom, clearly looking for something... or someone. Whatever it was, she seemed hellbent on finding it.
Then, Sam met eyes with her, and his fate was sealed.
She marched over, grabbed his arm, and roughly pulled him to his feet.
"Wha… Who are you?!" he spluttered.
"It's time to meet your maker, Sam," was her eerie reply.
Just as the bell for home room was ringing, Sam was dragged from the classroom. Five minutes later, Mr. Hosney was strolling into the room, sitting down and taking attendance. No one noticed the two figures on the roof, or that one figure was stabbing the other repeatedly. The didn't noticed when they began to shoot the corpse, and they didn't notice when they set it on fire and threw it to the ground. He went through the list twice, and then a third time before he finally spoke up.
"Where is Sam Witwicky?" he sounded more than slightly annoyed.
As if on cue, the door burst open again, revealing our heroine, Gina, who had previously dragged Sam out of the room.
"Sam, where were you?" the teacher asked, raising an eyebrow, "You're the first up with your presentation."
"Um, I was tossing a body off the roof, and I had to take a pit stop in the bathroom to wash the blood off my hands. Oh, and I also had to change into clean clothes. Killing people is very messy. By the way, my name is Gina," Gina replied.
"A likely story, Sam. At least try to come up with a believable story next time. I doubt that you're a murderer."
"My name is…!"
"Start the presentation!"
Rolling her eyes, Gina walked to the front of the class, briefly observing the items that the late Sam Witwicky had placed on the table. An old compass, a map, a miniature telescope, some leather bags, and a broken pair of glasses. Well, it was obvious that Sam sure did take the time to prepare for this Show-and-Tell.
"Hm. Fine, I'll play your freakin' game," Gina glanced up at the class, all business now, "Well, the stuff you see here once belongs to my… long-dead relative, Captain Archibald Witwicky…"
Abruptly, a pencil smacked her chest, bouncing off her boobs before falling to the table. The classroom began to giggle, and Mr. Hosney glared at them. Trent, Mikaela's amazingly hot boyfriend, was looking around as if he was trying to find who did it. But Gina wouldn't be having any of that.
"Hey, Blondie," Gina spoke, her voice low. Trent met her glare with a slightly bewildered glance.
"Guess who slashed your tires and keyed your precious piece of shit truck?" she deadpanned, not even bothering to try and sound innocent. The look on Trent's face was priceless as he sprang to his feet and tore out of the room. The class, meanwhile, had grown deathly silent, stunned with Gina's declaration.
"Too bad he's a douche... I probably would've stolen him from Mikaela over there. I'm so hotter than her," Mikaela glared at her, "Oh don't give me that. At least I don't have lip or boob implants, and at least I don't use Botox. This half-black ass of mine is 100% all natural*. Now, are you all going to act your age and let me present this?" Gina snapped. No one said a word, or even moved, so Gina continued with her story, "Anyway, my... great-grandfather was the first man to sail the Arctic Ocean, which is pretty awesome. These here are the things he used on his trip."
Gina began to explain more in-depth what each piece of equipment was, surprising even the teacher. Usually Witwicky was a lame ass failure, and she is suddenly an amazing student? Had she been kidnapped by aliens or something?
"Unfortunately, while in the Arctic, he went blind and crazy, ranting about strange symbols and a giant metal man," Gina concluded, "But I mean, come on, it's insane. Anyway, no one has ever come across whatever my great-grandpa found, so for now, everyone believes he just somehow snapped because of the harsh, cold weather. Anyway, before I put an end to this presentation, I just wanted to make note that all these items here are for sale, and if you were interested in buying, let me know, and we can talk."
"Sam," Mr. Hosney warned her. Gina rolled her eyes.
"I'm done, Mr. Hosney," she gathered her things just as the bell was ringing. She waited until everyone had left, and she approached the teacher, "So, how'd I do?"
He handed her the paper.
"I'm really impressed with your presentation, Sam. You get an A+," he informed her, "I must say, I'm please to see this sudden and unexpected turnaround. I hope I'll be getting more work like this for you in the future."
"Awesome. Oh, um, one more thing, Mr. Hosney. I'm not Sam Witwicky. My name is Regina Baker."
"What is with you and changing your name?" the teacher replied in exasperation, pulling out Sam's student record and showing it to her. Gina's eyes widened as she found herself staring face-to-face with her own picture. Only her name really was Samantha Witwicky. Everything else matched who she was to a tee.
"What… what the fuck?"
"Excuse me, Miss Witwicky?"
"N-no… nothing… I'll be leaving now…"
Gina walked through the halls, completely confused beyond anything. Why had her name changed? What was different here compared to the Taken and Pirates of the Caribbean movieverses?
Well, a little voice spoke up; you didn't kill any main characters in the other verses.
That was a point. She did just kill the real Sam 45 minutes ago. She hadn't been renamed in Taken because Kim was on leave, and so Gina replaced her. Something about a debt to a boss or whatever…
Well, she supposed she would have to remember she was called Samantha, and avoid trying to correct everyone who called her the wrong name.
As the left the building, a honk caught her attention. It was Ron Witwicky… and wow… what a shitty car. She almost regretted jumping into this verse, simply because of the fact that her "dad" was driving such a shitty car.
Gina walked over.
"How was school, Sam?" Ron asked as Gina got into the car.
"My name is Gina," she blurted without even thinking twice.
"What are you talking about?"
"Eh… nothing… anyway, let's get my car. I want a Lamborghini."
"Let's see the grade."
She handed him the paper and watched him check the grade. He had a grin on his face as he handed Gina the slip of paper back, and started driving.
"A+! Good job! Well let's get you that car. And I've got a surprise for you."
"Oh, do you now?"
A few minutes later, Ron was pulling into a lot with Porsches. Gina's eyes widened.
"PORSCHES?! OH SCREW THAT! I WANT A LAMBORGHINI!" she shrieked. Ron just stared at her.
"I was kidding anyway, Sam."
Gina was grumbling curses to herself as Ron pulled into the crappy car lot next door. There was a clown whose makeup was melting off of his face. He seemed to be having a heatstroke. No one else seemed to care either.
"Hey Dad, can I put that guy out of his misery?" Gina asked.
Ron didn't like the sound of that, so he simply said "No."
"… you're no fun at all…"
"Welcome to Bolivia's!" Bobby Bolivia greeted as he walked over, "Name's Bolivia, just like the country except for the runs."
He laughed a harsh, wheezing laugh that reminded Gina of hyenas, and she would've commented that he probably should stop smoking crack, but she then realized that if she did, she might forfeit her privilege of buying a car in the first place. So, she shut up.
"Well what can I do for you fine folks today?"
"Well my daughter here is about to buy her first car," Ron almost choked up with pride. Gina just stared at him. Was he really getting all sentimental just because she was buying a car? She was 19, and she had her license for three years! If he had known who she really was, he would shut the fuck up!
Why did she decided to jump into this movieverse?
"Well, little lady, I'm sure we have just the car for you." Bobby was babbling on.
One car in particular caught Gina's eye. It was a yellow orange shade, with black racing stripes.
"This one's rather sexy," Gina walked up and ran her hand along the metal surface. Oddly enough, the hood felt warm, as if the car had just been running. Strange, why would the car have been idling in the lot?
"Yes… it… I don't know where this one came from…" Bobby called one of his cronies to scream at him about the strange car.
Gina, meanwhile, opened the driver's side door and sat in the old leather seat. She grasped the steering wheel, getting an overall feel for the car. There was something different about this car; it was almost like meeting a guy that you know will be your soul mate. Actually, that was a bad analogy, but I'm sure you know what I mean.
That's when she sensed it; a strange, almost electrical vibe coming from the car.
I've found you.
She knew this car was the one. There were no others. Only him.
"I want this one," Gina suddenly demanded. Bobby Bolivia looked it over.
"Well, considering the custom paint job of the car, I'll set the price at $5,000," he offered.
"No, sorry, we only have $4,000," Ron spoke up.
Gina glared murderously at him, "Well, I want this car, and nothing else," she snapped. She glowered over at Bobby, "$4,000."
"No can do honey. The price has been set."
"What if I sucked your dick?"
Ron's jaw dropped. Bobby's eyes bulged out of his head.
"You… what?"
"What, do you want me to go all the way and fuck you? Or would you rather I just steal this right now!?"
"Sam! I don't like that attitude of yours," Ron warned.
"If we don't get this car, I'll steal it. I don't care. Hell, I'll take it right now!"
Abruptly, all the windshields to the other cars exploded. The group gawked at what just occurred. Well, they gawked after ducking in terror at the flying shards of glass that could probably gouge an eye out.
"… Oh. I just cursed your lot, by the way," Gina quickly capitalized on the opportunity, "And I'll curse you too. In three days, demons will come and drag you to Hell…**"
"F-Four thousand!"
Gina grinned smugly.
"Of course. Oh, by the way, you should really work on that crack addiction of yours. You sound like a dying animal."
* Yes, I'm half black, half white. Being bi-racial has its perks, for sure.
** A very obscure Drag me to Hell reference.
A/N: This first chapter was rather hastily thrown together, but yea, this is the next installment of my Retard series. It'll be a little less cracky than Taken, but a tad more humorous than Retards of the Caribbean. But I hope you enjoy it all the same. Reviews are more than welcome; they're encouraged :) PS - you can figure out if Gina knows that car is really a robot or not :D