I hereby declare that I am posting this story (script) on behalf of Baum.

Author's Note: I would like to say something before you proceed to read the story in case any harm is done. I'M NOT HOMOPHOBE. I'VE SEEN THE MOVIE. Indeed, I'm a slash writer and it would be ridiculous to claim that I'm a homophobe just because I have rewritten the original script. This movie, in terms of its makers' intention, is totally admirable; the filmmakers are valiant in their painstaking efforts to shatter the society's stereotypical (and unjustified) view on certain groups of minorities (in this case, homosexuals). In light of, but not limited to, the movie's groundbreaking effect on the society's current mindset, this movie is worthwhile: it does not only exist as a mere entertainment tool, it is also an important attempt to do justice to the true meaning of "free will". However, while this movie is totally admirable, in the eye of a picky moviegoer (which I happen to be one), the way the movie delivers its message is not perfect, technically. Therefore, this script should be viewed as a focus on the technical part of the movie, not the core-message part of it. Further, since I expect all of those who are reading this script to be the ones who've seen the movie, I don't think it will have a negative impact on the society (and who do I think I am, any way?), because you all already have your positive views on this movie that are immune to my intentionally humorous take on it. Thanks for reading.

Author – Baum

Archive – Take it; it's yours (just tell me where it will end up).

Category –Humor, Parody

Rating – R (a weak one; for language and sexual references)

Warnings – SPOILERS FOR THE MOVIE! Don't read it if you haven't seen the movie and plan to see it.

Summary – BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN script rewritten.

Feedback – Desperately craving for.

Disclaimer – The owner of the movie is not me; I do, however, own the right to ridicule this movie without making money (Heck, I'm actually losing money for doing so!).

BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN: THE ESSENTIAL SCRIPT

By Baum

FADE IN

EXT. BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN

ENNIS DEL MAR, an ill-disguised 90's guy meets another ill-disguised 90's guy, JACK TWIST.

ENNIS

Who the hell are you?

JACK

Jack Twist.

ENNIS

Hello, Anthony Swofford. Ennis Del Mar, nice to know you.

JACK

(annoyed)

Jack Twist.

ENNIS

That's what I said: Anthony Swofford. You are that Santa assclown in the movie Jarhead, a movie that begins powerfully and ends up really nowhere. You and the filmmakers shamed the human race and the name of war films.

JACK

You are the most depressing, unpleasant, un-cowboy cowboy I've ever met.

ENNIS

Technically, I'm not a cowboy. I'm a sheepherder.

JACK

Funny; I'm a sheepherder, too. Whom do you work for?

ENNIS

Joe Aguirre.

JACK

Funny; I work for Joe Aguirre too. He said I would have a partner. Which means I will be working with…YOU! Crap. I really don't want to work with you. You are so ugly that I can't even look at your face. By the way, I am a rough guy because I talk roughly even though none of my appearance/makeup or accent suggests so. This flaw of the movie will continue throughout my short life span.

ENNIS

Don't worry, Swoff. Same here.

JACK

(annoyed)

Jack.

They live and work together for some time and GET ACQUAINTED WITH each other BETTER.

JACK

Ennis, you have truly elevated your acting career by imitating Movie John Nash so impressively. On the other hand, it also makes you the least attractive human being on this planet, though you've never really been attractive.

ENNIS

Wait till you see me naked.

JACK

Wow! You…look fat! And even less attractive! And dreadfully dissimilar to the build of a real ranch guy in common belief!

DIRECTOR ANG LEE

Stop thinking and fall in love with him.

They live and work together for some time and suddenly INEVITABLY FALL IN LOVE. They FALL IN LOVE some more.

HOMOPHOBES IN THE AUDIENCE

AHHHH! He fucked him in the ass! How can that be romantic! That's HORRIBLE!

SENTIMENTAL FEMALES IN THE AUDIENCE

Wow. That's actually quite…touching! Amazingly. I might cry.

HUSBANDS IN THE AUDIENCE

Why oh why did I make that fucking stupid promise in the first place?

FILM CRITICS

I've been looking for a queer film for this year's Best Movie Awards; now this movie shows potentials! Better keep watchin'.

ENNIS

Jack, why did you seduce me?

JACK

Bullshit. You are the one who made the first move, otherwise the scene in which a stinky you undressing is utterly pointless if it does not serve the purpose as seduction.

ENNIS

I thought you were straight.

JACK

Hell, I'm played by Jake Gyllenhaal! Isn't that compelling evidence that I'm gay!

(pause)

I think I love you. I mean, I feel I love you.

ENNIS

(angry, takes the opportunity to punch JACK in the jaw when JACK attempts to help ENNIS with his bleeding nose)

JACK

Ouch! I was trying to help you! What was that punch for?

ENNIS

How dare you mess up with my pathetic, good-for-nothing life?

JACK

(sobs)

I don't get you, Ennis del Mar. What is wrong with falling in love with you? What is wrong with falling in love with…a downright hideous asshole.

(pause, stops sobbing)

I see now. But I can't stop loving you, I just can't. Damn. Does it mean I will have to spend the next near 90 minutes struggling through our remotely-interesting lives and making the entire story doesn't have a real plot?

DIRECTOR ANG LEE AND AUTHOR ANNIE PROULX

Don't worry about the plot; you two have Emotions and Bond, which will be conveniently unintelligible to the audience.

THE AUDIENCE

I have a vaguely bad feeling.

They DEPART and go on their separate, pathetic, good-for-nothing LIVES for four years. ENNIS marries ALMA, an annoying, UNFORTUNATE, WOMAN.

INT. WYOMING—VARIOUS LOCATIONS

ALMA

I'm annoying, but you just can't lay your fingers on what is exactly annoying about me, which actually applies to ALL the women in this movie.

ENNIS

Do you have the graciousness to let me fuck you when my mind revolves around someone else?

ALMA

Of course. Otherwise my character is of little use in this movie.

They DO.

After some time…

ALMA

You are mistreating me! I can't believe that I agreed to marry you. You are such a jerk. You don't deserve me.

ENNIS

Then, why did you marry me?

ALMA

(bitter)

I dunno; possibly because of hormones. I envy for you, but that's only because that's what Movie Wives do. I guess the reason why I'm still your wife and still in this movie is because I have a thing for self-torment.

FILM CRITICS

Oh, self- tormenting women! Now this movie REALLY has potentials!

EXT. TEXAS—VARIOUS LOCATIONS

JACK meets LUREEN, another annoying, UNFORTUNATE, WOMAN, who has an EVIL father.

LUREEN

My character is so undeveloped that the only purpose of my existence is to make Jack's life miserable.

(pause)

Of course, also to make the male audience drool when Anne Hathaway shows up topless. Hey, Jack, to this end, will you fuck me?

JACK

Whatever.

They DO.

THE MALE AUDIENCE

Oooooooh! Anne Hathaway is topless! This is interesting only because I've only seen her good-little-school-girl image in her Disney movies! Wheeeee!

LUREEN

Excellent.

JACK

(sighs)

I miss Ennis.

THE EVIL FATHER-IN-LAW

Mua ha ha! I'm the evil father-in-law! I suppose all the father in-laws (especially those who are on the wives' side) are evil! I'm going to humiliate my sissy son-in-law for the sake of humiliation! Bo ho!

JACK

(bitter)

Shit.

In search for his TRUELOVE and, perhaps more importantly, to get out of his MISERY, JACK sets out to find ENNIS. He SUCCEEDS.

To be continued...