Disclaimer: What does the word 'no' mean to you?

Author's notes: This was written for a friend of mine and I'm just glad she liked it. And other people did too so I guess I put it up here. It's one of my first times writing from the view of first person. And this was a bit different than the normal more happy bunch of stuff I write.

Warnings: It's M-rated and contains harassment or something that might be considered as rape. And it's homosexual.

Summary: I've never been the one to ask for anything. But now I'm not able to put up with this anymore.

Painful Indulgency

I can feel my hands moving over your body ever so slightly while I know that you're the one who initiated this. You´re the cause of this.. The cause of it all. My fingers ghost over your clothing, wanting it to be gone while my thoughts are cloudy as I´m doing this to you, my feelings of guilt and thoughts of betrayal leaving my mind. Leaving my body.

´Please don´t hate me..´ I voice it inside my head, desperate to make you understand. I know you will. You always do don´t you?

You tremble. I feel the twitch of muscles under my hands, I can feel your skin crawling at the feeling of my being touching you.. Innocent little you. The part of you that loathes me, wants my being to crawl in a hole and die. I know that and I feel ashamed at the thought but I push it away in order to move on, in order to feel what I've been craving for these past months. Years even.

"P-Please.." Your voice is weak. Not broken yet because all I've done now was push you onto this bed, letting my eyes wander over your delicious –but still clothed- body and then slightly touching it with my fingers. Don't you see how much I love you? Can't you tell how much it hurts me to see you not wanting me? How come you're so dense.. Tell me and I'll try to understand.. I'll try to be better than this, overcoming something that's so painful that it tears me apart.

But I know that my sanity has long gone. Ever since I pushed you onto this bed.

I feel something stinging in my eyes, my heart and my head.. I can explain my eyes, knowing that most likely bitter tears want to come out and my head's just hurting from all this bullshit I had to put up with for so many years.. Before I just snapped. I couldn't take it anymore.. The wrenching pain in my heart is new to me now.. I'm used to pain and used to the agony that it brings whenever you won't look at me, the bittersweet feelings of rejection. But I'm not used to this, this new feeling as if something's eating me alive from the inside out.. Maybe it's your babyblues looking up at me in fear that I know that I shouldn't be doing this. But my need and want for you is too strong.. So strong that it's hard for me to control.

Slowly my fingers pry your hands away from your face and start to gently stroke the sides of your cheeks. I know that it won't take much to break you.. And I know that for the most part I don't want to break you but in order for me to move on.. I think it's necessary. I know the consequences, I've thought about them for over a long time, long enough for me to realize that I will lose you. But I also thought that that would be inevitable eventually.. Your friendship means so much to me, but it hurts me equally to stay by your side forever, to be the rock you can lean on. Can't you see that that's why I ran away at first?

Your eyes follow my every movement, looking at me like I've grown a second head.. And in reality that could've been true, so true.. "Are you mad at me?" Your eyes grow even more sad and I can see the upwelling of tears, but you bravely blink them away, even at a time like this. My hands move away from your face and my head falls, tickling your skin with my long hair. You really don't get it do you? You never do.

The honest answer would be yes. Yes I am mad at you, furious even. But I don't want you to know.. I want to say as less as possible so I can put this horrible experience behind me once it's over.. I keep saying horrible but in my head I think it will be wonderful and my heart can only agree with that.. I know I will enjoy every second of this, no matter how wrong it is.

"Riku?" I freeze. I never actually expected you to call my name like that.. It makes it all so personal again. Please.. Please don't call it again. Don't break my heart.. Don't break my heart all over again. Don't make me go through all of this over and over again.. Just let me do this and I promise I will leave you alone, I promise that I will disappear and that I will kill myself so you won't ever have to deal with me again. You can even pull the trigger on me.

"Riku?" Apparently you noticed my change of attitude and you try to get my attention as your voice sounds more demanding but still so fragile as if you're going to break any second. It's more than I can take and all I want to do is shut you up for once. Make you keep your mouth shut even for the slightest moment when I do this. It's all I want.. It's the only thing I want now. And it's exactly what I will do as I reach for your face again and press my lips firmly against yours, muffling the scream that came out of your mouth the moment we connected. Your hands flail around you and I tightly grab your wrists with one hand, making your petty effort be in vain. I can feel your mouth protesting against mine and your body trying with all it's might to push me off, with or without your arms.

"Hmphh.." It's a muffled sound that I can't comprehend but it gives me the opportunity to slip my tongue in your mouth and your eyes immediately snap open as if you just realized what I'm doing to you. But I'm not listening to the noises you make, the weak attempt of getting me off because the only thing I'm focusing on is that this is more then I'd ever imagined it to be, you taste so sweet.. So completely innocent and sweet that if I stop, you'll only leave me for more of this. My tongue's drawn to yours and I rub it against it, finding the beats that my heart skips right then almost pleasant because I know it's you who did it. Your sweet scent and taste.. It's all you, every bit what I love about you.

I can feel you struggle more viciously now. And that's when it hurts so much to know that you will never feel the same way.

I move away again before brushing my lips softly against your swollen ones, stifling a groan that wants to leave my mouth as I repeat the action when your mouth is wide open in shock. I can't even feel guilty as I do it and I know that that will bite me in the ass later... Everything will. But not now, not when I'm like this.

Opening my eyes again I see the tears trickling down your cheeks, dampening a few locks of chestnut hair that's now sticking onto your face. I feel confused, not knowing what to do with this. I've always been the one to comfort you when you're crying but now.. Now I just feel helpless because it's my fault. And do you want to know what the worst part is?

I can't stop.

I'm not even giving you the time to breathe as you pant and cough before I move my lips to your creamy neck and your face crumbles, falls even. I consider myself quite nice when I kiss your neck gently all the way down to your collarbone and continue to gently nip from there on. I hear you hiss and I feel you pushing your weight against me but I hardly take notice of any of that because it's the sensation of your skin that keeps me occupied and the thoughts of guilt that I'm trying to push away.

'You're hurting him,' My mind tries to argue with me but I try so heavily to ignore it when my hands busy themselves with going through chestnut hair and my lips moving to a delicate neck, not wanting to listen. 'Can't you hear his cries?' I do, only softly. But I try to ignore them, because it hurts too much to hear them as I suck on sensitive skin, marking the skin as if it were my own.

'You're his best friend,'

And now I'm the one who's capturing every emotion that no one's ever saw of you because no one's ever done this to you. No one. Not even – my smile is sour as I think about it – her. I've been thinking about her a lot as well, seeing her undying love for you. Seeing you smile at her at any given time. My hands tighten around your wrists, causing a yelp to force it's way out of your mouth. At this point I don't even care as rage fills my body again. It hurts to stand by and watch but it hurts even more to fake smiles and jubilate about it, even when they won't even tell me what's going on. I don't think my heart can take much more.

'You're disgusting,'

I know. I know. I can feel the disgust clearly as I lift your face towards mine and kiss the single tear of your cheek while small hands grip at my black vest. "Please.." I can hear you whisper. Again your eyes stare at me with a sadness that's so tragic that it makes me stop for a moment. But as your hands reach for my face I flinch and back away, forgetting all the previous thoughts of letting you go once more as I force that body onto the bed, a snarl painted on my features while doing so. With only one hand I grip at your shirt and attempt to pull it off.

Welt after welt appears on your skin as I tug this fabric off in a none too gentle way and it goes unnoticed that you bite your lip and close your eyes. It's only that I notice when a small stream of blood pours out of the open wound but I ignore it. Even after that annoying piece of cloth is off your shoulders and in the far corner of the dimmed room. I should really close the blinds but I know you'd run away just like all those other times you left me searching in the dark, desperate for contact, desperate for even one decent sentence of a human being. Longing for one touch of your perfect hands.. Just a comforting word would've been enough..

You tanned a bit I see and I let my fingers touch every inch of that small chest.. When did you gain a few muscles and why didn't you tell me? Small stomach muscles harden under my touch and your breath gets uncontrollable, choking on words and everything else that wanted to leave your pretty mouth. I lower my head and place kisses on your stomach, like you would do with a baby.. Or a lover you will never be.

God your skin is soft it hasn't changed a bit since we were kids.. Another kiss near your bellybutton and I can't help it but to swap my tongue across it and shivering at your back arching up to me. I know it isn't because you like it, or even because your body likes it. The stiffness of your body is interesting but the disgust is evident in every move you make. My mouth against the your body feels nice and strangely comforting, it excites me to see you in a state like this and I know that that will soon make itself present and clear to you.

"Nghh R-Riku.." You pant and your eyes widen as my fingers play on their own with one of your most sensitive spots, the pink nubs getting hard under the harsh touch of my hands. Gone. All my doubts are gone. My brain shuts off and the only vision I can see is that body, that body I craved for. All these years.

'You can never face him with such darkness in your heart,' I try to block that voice out. Why does his voice appear now.. That same voice that tormented me back then. 'He will always see you as a host of darkness, he would never want to see you," Pale blue hair.. Eyes like a northern wind..

Zexion.

I don't know why that jerk is appearing now, I'm confused as it is as I see you backing away from me as much as you can. Those words were the same when I was in my worst state.. When I wanted to see you but couldn't, letting myself get talked out of it by that man. A slight grin crawls up my face as I bent down towards your neck as I figured that was one of your sensitive parts – All doesn't matter now, Zexion's dead. Murdered by Roxas' little boyfriend Axel. It is only then when I notice something different in your eyes as I look up to him from that creamy neck, not only embarrassment and pain are visible but I note.. A certain hatred.

"Riku.." I won't look up again, I won't bend down for you again. All my effort will be useless if I do, if I stop now who knows what'll happen.. I can't do that, I can't let you get away while I've never come this far in this entire time I've loved you. I can feel your hands gripping at my hair when I don't respond and I can't suppress a yelp at the hard tug. My hands slip away from your upperbody and automatically try to attend my painful head.

A mistake.

Instantly I feel the rage taking over, coming in the place of the doubt and agony. In a red vision I can see you running towards the door, trying desperately to get away from me but I know I'm faster, I know that you know that too. It was only a matter of time before I went further than this as I grab your arm and throw you on the bed. I want to scream at you, I would love to scream at you but instead I just stay scarily silent. In another movement of my arm I pin you between my legs, rip a piece of cloth of my bedsheets and tie your thin wrists together while your eyes widen and struggle against your binds. All the while I can only feel a grin creeping up my face.

My fingers make my way over your chest, toying with the fact that I love the shivers going through your body, your eyes darting to every corner of the room just to avoid my eyes only to finally land on my face and beg me to stop wordlessly. I just know that my sanity is gone, I can only feel the great feeling of power over you. Over someone who's hurt me too much over the past few years that I can't even seem to comprehend anything anymore. I'm pathetic.

Coming across your nipples and feeling the gasp coming from your parted lips I bent down and ravish them with my mouth, biting the small nubs and sucking on them with a hunger not yet known to me. I hear your cries but I ignore them, I ignore everything as I do it my way, things I could only dream of earlier.

If only you would have seen.. If only you had been nicer to me.. I can only remember those times with the ice-cream, your pouncing on me, smiling at me like I was the most beautiful person in the world. But you smiled like that to everyone else too.. Everyone was equally important. And that stung. If only.. Then I would be gently preparing you and not in the ruthless way I am now. Am I even preparing you? This is certainly pathetic if so. I don't think I even want to, not anymore.

You scream when I bite you. I have to surpress the bubble of laughter in my throat.

You cry when I touch you. I just feel the ultimate pleasure from doing so.

You call my name when I'm trying to forget that name, the proof of someone I was before but have left long ago when I started doing this.

Forget everything.

When you look up to me I won't look back. I won't ever look back to you. Don't make this any harder on me than it is already. My life is too complicated but I'm sure it will end soon. If it's not me it will be someone else to take my place to murder me.

I pull you flush against my chest and kiss your hair, smelling the faint scent of lavender because I know you use that shampoo. You fight against me but my hands only slip tighter around you, around your small frame when I try to hold you longer than I ever did in my life. I deeply inhale your scent as your hair tickles my nose and I hold your hands even when they're behind your back.

"D-Don't!" But I will, can't you see that . I just want to hold you for a moment longer when my fingers pry around the edge of your pants, finally loosing every little bit of self-control I had when they're off and your face buries itself in my shoulder to hide the blush crawling over your cheeks. My hands let go of yours and go down to your boxers and your head snaps up when cold fingers are on you. Slowly I begin and your head's on me again, this time I can feel the tears dampening my shirt as I jerk you off. I can hear your embarrassed gasps as my thumb rubs around the tip and I can feel the heat of your face as it's hard within moments.

I knew you would like it.. I practiced. Just for you. Always for you. Tidus was never good enough for me, just a toy to use and practice on. Demyx was another part of the plan because his smile reminded me of you and I just couldn't take the frustration when you were so close but I wasn't anywhere near reaching you. It all hurt too much. And then came along little Roxas… Twilight town.. I had to tell him. He reminded me so much of you.. I loved you and there was your little reflection running around like there was nothing going on.

I just felt guilty when I'd done him… Because it felt like I had cheated on you because Roxas looked so much like you – while Tidus and Demyx were just toys to practice with. Even when they were both happy idiots like you. Roxas was different. So much different than you and still my obsession grew as I screwed him over and over again, his gasps being your gasps and every time he had a climax I felt as I had made you come. He hated me for it. But he loved me for fucking him. For caring. Because he knew that Pence and Olette were busy with each other and Hayner was always gone, and then he didn't even exist because Naminé had told it against the organization's wishes.

I was there for comfort. He was there to please me. We both had our reasons. We just never loved each other the way I love you. I hope he never loved me or else he wouldn't have punched me the first time I kissed him. When I told him I loved you – his real part all he could do was cry. As if no one would ever care for a little Nobody like he was. And then I just fucked him again. I guess you could just call it comfort sex in a way. After that I never saw him again until he was with Axel.

All I wanted was to strangle him for succeeding where I'd failed. But my plan for making you whole again succeeded quite quickly after that, no one deserved to have the happiness I would never obtain.

Your gasps now as I move my hand on you faster remind me of that. You really have a nice voice when you make noises like that. My fingers curl around you and play with the tip all the while, wiping off the substances that are coming out. I don't know how I'm feeling. Everything, my whole world, is just shattering in front of my eyes now.

I can't help but to make those little noises as well. Manlier and deeper than your squeaky ones are but I still can not get myself to suppress them. It's all too wrong as I strip your boxers off until they're pooling around your ankles and with a final toss they're in the far corner of the room. Your head shots up from the pitying spot on the bed before it makes it's way to the sheets again when my mouth engulfs you and my hands toy with your rear end underneath. I know you can't stand this and yet I can't seem to stop doing this.

I take you deep inside my mouth and make sure to swallow you as deep as I can in a mouth that's smaller than it seems. I can't gag, though I want to. Just another part of me that is trying to fight back, fight this demon off my shoulders for me. To just please stop me from whatever the hell I'm doing but I know that feeling's faint and weak. I suck a little harder and I can hear your sobs turn into cries and small noises of which I'm never sure if they're out of pleasure or pain. The latter's probably the one I should go with because it's me doing this.

It's actually amusing me now that you're this hard, it means a part of you takes pleasure in me doing this. Your breathing reminds me so much of Tidus' whenever I sucked him like this, though inexperienced and clumsy. Why did you think he'd lost from you the few hours after? The poor boy could barely stand on his legs. I took that experience with me in organization thirteen and continued to develop it. Lonelyness can be such a tormenting thing but I guess you could never understand that because you were always surrounded by people. You never even once missed me. Thoughtlessly my hands keep working at your balls as my mouth's still full of you, something that's surprisingly pleasant for I'd been imaging how it would be for years.

I don't even know when this obsession started. I don't think I want to. Because no matter how much it amuses me to suck you off like this, seeing your expression through half-lidded eyes and hearing your breathy moans and cries, I know what I want and I'll be sure to get it. I'm not even surprised as I suddenly feel something different and a minute later my mouth is covered in your semen, I just wipe it off with a smirk and make sure you see me swallow it. Your beautiful face is red and covered in sweat while little tears are in the corners of your eyes, your lips slightly parted and letting out small huffs of breath. Don't even think you're exhausted because we're just getting started.

I lean in and kiss you, just for the sake of doing it. Just to feel your chest pushing against mine to get me off as I smear your essence all over you and make you gag. I don't even see why you find it so disgusting, it's youafter all. My tongue probes itself in your mouth and explores the cavern I find so attractive and yet still so innocently childish. You taste like a virgin without experience, the same as Roxas when I first – No. I should stop thinking about Roxas, he's in the past. You're the one I should be thinking about now, which isn't that hard as the tears stick to my face as your eyelashes flutter up against me. You don't even try to resist anymore, head just limply giving in and your body lying flat on the bed I pushed you on. My lips just curl into a smirk – good boy.

Roughly I push my fingers in your mouth a moment later and hiss when you bite on them. In a reflex I pull them back and punch you across the face when I'd always thought I'd never use violence against you – the action leaves me stunned for a moment as I look at your silent form. You say nothing. I don't think I'm able to say anything as well.

"Riku." I snap back at your face but you won't even look at me, the only view I have is of the side of your face with chestnut hair pointing in my direction, "You hit me." Only those words. Those words right there hurt me so deeply that I back away from you for a moment because I can't stand to hear your voice like that. I've never heard your voice like that.. So void of emotion as if you can't care anymore.. And it's my fault. All my fault.

I grip at my hair and try to keep my thoughts steady, try to keep a composure of myself but still your words come through every little barrier I put up. I hate myself. You just have no idea how much. Why couldn't you just have shut up? Why didn't you just leave me be.. Now I can't go on with this.. I can't.. I turn to you and untie the knot that binds your hands together silently, I do it on my own free will because the will to have my way with you is gone.

The power to live on is gone.

I turn away from you and don't even know what to do. I've had a perfect plan thought out up until now, I would do it and later kill myself and be known as another nobody ending his life. I would never be missed after everyone knew what I did to you, I would be fine with people spitting on my grave, honestly. I can't really blame them after what I did to you.

And all of a sudden it hits me – I tried to rape you.

I tried to rape you. Rape you. Rape you, my best friend. And at that moment I can't stop the tears falling from my eyes at the realization of what I was trying to do. That I was trying to humiliate and hurt my best friend. I'd never meant to hurt you so badly.. I only wanted peace for myself, I only wanted.. I only wanted.. I can't hold back a sob as my hands cling to my eyes, not wanting you to see it and not wanting those tears to ever leave my eyes. It's all my fault. I was the egoistic one here.. You never once left me, you were always in the search for me. Always and ever for me.

I'm so sorry.

And suddenly I feel small arms around me and a head on my shoulder, "Riku.." I hear whispered very softly against my hair, "Please stop crying." That makes me cry all the more, silently and softly but I can't stop myself from crying because it's the first time in all these years that I've allowed myself to.. And your soft voice makes it even worse.. Why are you trying to comfort me? Why are you trying to make me feel better!

"Because you're my best friend." And I feel the tears on my shoulders again, and this time you're crying for me and for me alone. You were never the selfish one.. Your name never meant the fleeting sky that always flew where ever he wanted to go and leaving the land behind.. You were always the one looking out for the land, watching him from above and always, always worrying if he'd do okay below there.

"I'm so sorry Sora…" It's the first time I've spoken and the first time I've called your name. And I rub at my eyes knowing that you'll never forgive me. I wouldn't either. Ever.

"I know Riku.." I can feel you moving your weight and turn to me, so I can see the tears in your eyes and your messed up face, "I'm sorry too."

And you hug me o so tenderly and I feel like I'll be the one breaking instead after this whole time. But you'll be the one there to gather the pieces and put me be together won't you?

Sora.

Owari.

Author's final notes: If there are any mistakes I would love to hear them as always. Please feel free to share your critiques or points you liked about the story in a review - I will always be more than happy to respond to them.

And Astrid, I'm glad you liked this.