Disclaimer: Not mine, don't own it, no sue! Iris, by the Goo Goo Dolls, isn't mine either.
Warning: Yaoi, shonen ai, angst
Pairing: Jakx!humanDaxter
Summary: He's your best friend, and no matter how numbingly painful what he's about to tell you is--you'll always be there for him. Won't you...?
This was written on a broken heart. I hope I conveyed my angst level right now or I will be sorely disappointed. Slight JakII spoilers. Write more amazing JakxDax people. GOSH. My favorite pairings and I can barely find anything on 'em.
o-o-o
Beyond the Stars
o-o-o
And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
He's your best friend, you think sulkily to yourself as he wiggles his too-large feet nervously. How could it really be that bad? Nothing was that bad. Nothing they couldn't get over, right? Nothing that hasn't happened before. You murmur a quiet sentence, you can't even hear it yourself as the words loosen up. He looks at you, with those large blue eyes. He's so short, so thin and god-awful gauntly as you glance over his quaking frame, all the while the constant question--curiosity of what was going on was clawing at your mind like nails, tearing at your subconscious.
It was maddening. You always hated waiting, hated the precious time slinking away, could almost feel your life slipping away inch by inch, and you wanted to explode. You hate waiting because that's all you ever did in... there, that place. He knows this, he usually doesn't make you wait, for anything so this is new...
You don't like change, either.
"Do y'... do y'love...her, eh Jak?" He says the word with a funny sort of tone, one you'd not like to think about.
Knitting your eyebrows together, you scrunch up your nose ever so slightly, and he must have caught it because he tenses even further, small back arching and making him so awkward it isn't funny.
By her, you know who he means. All too well. And you think you know where this conversations going finally, relaxing just the slightest and flashing him a small grin, clasping his back. Your hand looks so large over the terrifyingly narrow expanse, as if it took up all the space, even around the curved edges. Somehow, your dread returns and you frown.
If he's in love with her, you don't know what you'll do, because... it just, it would be so horribly uncomfortable. But, but if he does, you still don't know what you'd say. Maybe smile and laugh it off, or tell him to... to what, exactly?
You know she doesn't love him back, barely even tolerates his presence, which you despise her for.
He's your best friend.
"Of course Dax," but really you aren't that sure, and if he knew why he'd hate you so much, because if he does love her, you've already broken her heart. You don't know what love is, you don't want to know, but you know you haven't found it. Suspiciously now, deathly silent, "why?"
Your thoughts start racing together in a blur of fire, bolting through your mind, till you hate the pain of thinking. She's a nameless perfect being, so innocent, untouched that it was nauseating. After going through so much trauma, the agonizing, pin prickling of hate that consumed you for so long, the darkness and the dense air, the cruel laughs and heated whispers on damp, sweaty skin, there's just nothing left in your heart for her to grasp. You don't say that, however.
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now
"So, ah, so like, yeaaah. Um, just never mind," he stammers and jumps up, needing the thin piece of flesh he calls an arm, giving a little cover up grin and moving for the door. Before you realize, your hand snaps out and grasps his. You can feel the bones as they flinch, feel how small and uncertain it is in your hard grip. It scares you sometimes, how delicate he is. The possessive need to protect him slaps you nearly in the face. You force a small smile on your face, trying to prove it can still appear.
"Tell me, Dax. Just spit it out."
Something deep inside you swells with a sick sense of pride that you didn't snap his arm in two, as the motion was just so frighteningly normal and he knew it so well. You could almost taste the sweat in the air.
His eyes flash and you are quietly comforted by their soft glow. "I--y'd hate me man. I know ya Jak, I... know the way y'work. This kinda stuff--definitely ain't a'barrel in a basket, y'feel me?" His voice is smooth, but you know better. You know something is wrong, can feel it, and you can tell his insides are exploding like molten lava.
Nothing could be that bad.
And then a thought strikes you, as quick as death and you blink for a second. What if... what if he's sick of being your "partner", your second in command, the outta-the-picture guy, just as always. You know how insane that little snit bit sounds but you can't seem to get around it.
Just, what if?
You grind your teeth together. "Tell. Me."
He is your everything when you have nothing.
You can't. Lose. Him.
He sits down, his weight not even making an impression in the bed as it deepens. It's kind of scary too, how small he is. Something could happen, something horrible and--
"I love you."
What.
What?
His eyes narrow, his full bottom lip can't hide that tremendous overbite and peel, his chattering teeth reveled, knees shaking so bad that they slam together every few seconds. His hands are white and clenched, holding for dear life onto the sheets.
It was... the last thing you expected.
You're numb. Can't move, can't blink--can't talk. Frozen like ice.
Finally--finally after hours which are really only minutes, your lips begin to move and your eyes squeeze shut in a relief. You smile, to show him... something? You don't know. You are frozen.
"...I...I don't know."
THAT is all you can come up with. Such a pitiful, stupid sentence that doesn't make sense at all but really, what could you say?
Exactly.
"Hey hey hey! I, uh, dun' even bat an eye at me man, I'm'a just a little out of it, you know? You know, do... don't you Jak?" His cheerful facade fades like dust and a dry sob escapes his lips, for one horrible second and all the pain he must feel rushes to his face like wild fire.
You clear your throat loudly.
"Daxter." His name is soft on your lips. You can't think.
"God I'm soooo sorry Jak--I said just for--"
You reach for him and miss, as he darts back, obviously afraid of getting smacked into next week.
Is that all you can do? Induce heart trembling fear into people? Is that REALLY all you're good for? He relaxes slightly and you take the small opening, widening it as you bring your forehead against his, flinching at the touch. So overwhelmingly intimate despite your increase of sexual experience over the years.
This is different.
Like fragile glass, something precious.
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Deep breath.
You can do this.
Questions, so many questions running through your head, that you try and answer them all at once but you can't keep up.
IsHeSeriousHeCan'tBeThisWasNeverInThePlanWhatAreYouGonnaDoNowOhMightyStrongJakYou'reHisWorldButHe'sYourUniverseWHATAreYouGoingToSay?
The weight of the world is on your shoulder's, as you feel your mouth moving to hiss words. Words that probably make little to no sense but you don't care because it's the only thing that will come out.
"Dax-man, Dax--You, not me. I'm not it. You're better, you're normal, you got your body back--what about Tess? She loves you and I can't. Can't. I just, I can't."
He could see the deep blue shatter and go completely numb, could feel a sudden rush of breath and then, everything stopped.
A single tear slipped away, down and down and so slow, fell on his chin and stayed for so long.
And then it dropped.
Along with your aching, confused heart because the look in his eyes says it all--that you really have lost your light, and now you're completely, bitterly alone (the word makes your breath hitch) and, oh god, his heartbeat stopped.
Or was that yours?
There's ringing in your ears. It won't stop, so much time has went by and you're still in this damn position, a crink in your neck and his eyes so beautifully broken.
Finally, "oh." Soft, hesitant and you can't miss the vibration in his voice, the hitch and break.
There's a sick chill running up your body as you release his neck, pulling back slowly just so you can see all the pain, hurt on his face, the result of what you've done.
What YOU'VE done.
It hits like a truck.
But the worst, absolutely life shattering point, is his smile. It crushes everything in its wake and you watch as it creases along his angular face and molds into something fake, something... that shouldn't be on him.
"I--"
"No," he whispers, "no I'm okay buddy. Don't have ta worry 'bout me, anyway. ORANGE LIGHTNING!"
He jumps up and you let him, almost too easily and walk out, still smiling. After a few minutes you can't possibly miss the near wail.
And you remember, it's raining outside.
He's got no umbrella.
Metalheads.
"Fuck!"
'Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight
You run after him like a man on fire, and even if you already knows he's around the corner you just can't bring yourself to care. Your heart wants to explode--hell maybe it has anyway and you're living off of someone's cruel joke.
'Cause that's all life is to you, to anyone really. The blood pumping in your veins isn't real, the beating and throbbing of something so deep, you can't distinguish properly.
Have you ever even tried to love him?
Have you ever even thought of him that way?
Of course you have. The numbing returns and you're getting a burning headache. You cry out his name and grab his shaking shoulders, pulling him as close as humanly possible.
Have you ever tried to love anyone?
Yes, you have. You're going to now, no matter what. It was always protection. If they weren't as strong or stronger, not worth the time. You weren't another bodyguard.
But him, he's different. He can't exactly hold his own, but he's worth your time and you know it. And you think you'll try this. He cares, he's not fake, and maybe you can make him smile real smiles.
You press close and whisper in his wet, dripping ear.
"I... I'll try."
You can clearly see his blush, those beautiful eyes lighting up slightly in disbelieving hope, hands clutching at your arms in despondent desperation. You ache for him. He's your everything.
"What?"
"I can't lose you," you hiss and the cold rain drowns your voice, and snatches it away into the unforgiving night, leaving you alone and... "And I'm willingly ta try. But you know--"
His freezing finger touches your lips gently. You stop a violent flinch from coming on.
"I know, buddy. I know."
You embrace his small body further and bury your head in his soft hair as if it would hide you away into a world of only quiet dreams.
"No, I..." Small, clear little droplets sting your eyes and slide down your cheeks as you stare at him, and he remembers the last time you cried, bitter tears, fat and full of revenge. "I want to..."
"D-d-don't Jak, ya, y'gonna make me tear up y'big jerk!"
And the realization hits you, like brick.
You can't be stone anymore.
He... he won't let you.
And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think they'd understand
"Dax?"
"Yeah babe?"
You smile and grab his hand, running wildly through the drenching downpour, aiming for home.
The torture, the images of hate and brutal assaults, of stinging Dark Eco, burning through your skin and peeling the remains off slowly, the impossibly blood thirsty want for revenge, maybe that could all...
No. It will never leave you, haunts you wherever you are, no matter who you're with.
But you don't care.
"Let's go home."
You don't think he believes you, because everything is so new, and it's so sudden, but you know what's right.
Something blossoms inside you, and maybe, just maybe, he can be the special light in your life. She tried, and failed. Hurt you like a blade, cut you like a knife and ripped your gushing heart open, string by string.
He's in love and you wish you weren't the one he picked--you know you're just gonna hurt him again and again and again until he fades into nothing but you need him, more than air.
His fingers, soft to touch, fit into your hand like a glove.
His adoring eyes, on your every move, worship you with desire and incredible love.
His small frame can't pack a punch but his personality can do so much more.
Why did you never see it?
How much you love him.
'Cause you know you talk about him more than anyone else in the world. Even when you occasionally talked to Keira, it would always be about him.
You're so dense.
You stop suddenly, he smashes into your back and you turn and catch his lips, trying to show him, show him something attainable is possible in this hell hole called Haven.
It's quick, and new, and just a tinge frightening, because you just kissed someone you love, not lusting after, and a boy for that matter.
A beautiful boy.
"I still, I can't say it yet, Dax."
You can practically hear the magnificent grin in his voice as he whispers,
"We have all the time in the world."
So you do.
When everything's made to be broken
I want you to know who I am
And maybe now you can smile without the cracks in between.