Inside Her Head
A/N: I don't own any of the characters mentioned below they belong to The Bill. This is a new idea that I had in the early hours of the morning. I'm sure that people who have read my fic's in the past will know who these thoughts belong to and who and when they are about. Thanks to Gemz for reading the first half of this chapter and encouraging me to post in on here. Please review and let me know who you think this is about and when it is set. I will reveal all when I post the next chapter. However I have to write it first and I'm not sure when I will! Thanks – Laura xoxo
Chapter 1 – Walking Away
I hear myself say the words, do I really want to say them? I'm not sure. Are they the right words to be saying? High and dry is that really what I believe will happen to me if this continues. Do I want him just as a friend when he could be so much more than that? Is this the last time I will ever kiss him? Did I really want to break that hug and walk away? I don't know. That's why I have three weeks off, three weeks to sort my head out. Now all I have to do is walk, walk forward and don't look back. Even if I wanted to I couldn't, I feel a tear run down my cheek, and I can't let him see that or anyone else for that matter. I was the one who wanted to keep our relationship secret. Why did I do that? Why didn't I shout it from the rooftops? The bottom of the stairs, he didn't follow. Did I expect him to? Another question that needs answering and I can't answer them, I usually have all the answers, what has happened to me?
Another tear falls down my cheek, followed by a few more. What do they mean? Am I happy or am I sad? My hand shakes as I pull open the car door, I need to drive. I did the right thing, I did. Just need to repeat that to myself, perhaps out loud. No that didn't help, distraction try distraction, the radio. No that didn't help either, stupid stupid romantic love songs. I couldn't trust him, look at what he has done to the other women in his life who have trusted him before. He let them down, he cheated, he chased other women, his conquests. Was I just another? That word why did he say it? Did he mean it? Or was it just a response to what we had just done? Which was good, very good in fact.
Somehow I have made it home, I haven't caused any accidents, although I really wasn't concentrating on the road. Lock the car, walk up the stairs, open door, walk into kitchen. Then there they are, the breakfast dishes from this morning, he made me late so I left them there. Sitting in the pairs of two, but I'm just one now. I take hold of the cup he used for his coffee and hold it close, what am I doing? I ended it, not him. I want to throw it, I feel my hand move upwards and the cup leaves my hand, I watch it crash into the wall and then shatter onto the floor. Why do I feel as if that is my heart, broken and battered and in pieces on the floor?
Sleep I need to sleep, my head hits the pillow, but what is that? This pillow smells like him too, I can't escape him, he is all around me. I couldn't trust him, I made the right decision. It was never going to work, better to end it now and keep him as a friend, before we started to hate each other. But is he even going to want to be mine still? He has to, he just has to, but no he doesn't. I can't tell him anything to do anymore, perhaps I've just thrown away and broken three years of my life just as easily as I shattered that cup. Why do I do these things? Why am I so cold? Why does my fear stop me from living time and time again? I close my eyes, wishing for sleep, wishing to turn the clock back, but to when. I don't have a clue and I hate feeling this way.
I'm still awake, its 4am and I feel no better. These past months have been some of the hardest I have ever been through. I made mistakes, bad decisions. Perhaps the worst one's of my life. I let someone move into my house, someone who I didn't love, I lost a baby, perhaps the last chance I ever had to give Abi a sibling, I was ambushed twice and was prepared to say something as my last words and today I couldn't say them at all. I can't even say them to myself, I can't even be honest lying here alone in the dark. I didn't have to be alone, I chose this path. I could have trusted him, believed in him. But maybe he has changed and I'm the one who hasn't. Afraid of my own feelings, afraid to be hurt, afraid to ruin a friendship, I'm just afraid all together. Scared to live a life that might involve more pain, but would he have caused me pain? Whenever I have needed him in the past couple of years he has been there, he helped to rescue my daughter, he was the one who I confided in, and he did the same with me. He is my best friend, or perhaps that should be he was my best friend. I have ruined everything, with one decision. My phone hasn't rung, he hasn't called. Did I expect he would? Has he returned to that rubbish bin to get that number? Do I care if he did? Maybe I do, should I care since I was the one who ran? No I shouldn't, but I do. I need to get these thoughts out of my head, the remote should be here somewhere. The television, surely there is some boring infomercial on that will send me to sleep.
No perhaps not, only the movie Love Actually, am I being tortured? Why didn't I turn it off? No I just lay there watching, watching the people fall in love and make giant leaps into the unknown. Why couldn't I do that? I need to focus, I have three weeks, three weeks to sort my head out, three weeks to forget and to move on. I made the right decision, I couldn't trust him to be faithful. I just couldn't, but if I am so sure that I made the right choice, why is he all I can see when I close my eyes? I need to stop this I can't change what I have done now, I'm just going to have to forget.
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