Title: The Break UP
Author: Aima D. Duragon
Rating: This chapter is PG-13 for mature themes and innuendo.
Warnings: slash (H/D)
Spoilers: SS, CoS, PoA, GoF, OotP, HBP, DH
Disclaimer: JK Rowling owns everything, and damn well has enough money to prove it!
A/N: So...if anyone was wondering why my stories are currently on hiatus...
Note: This story has not been beta'd.
Another note: If you're looking for a sweet/sappy one shot DON'T READ THIS!
~xXxXxXx~
Music starts playing like the end of a sad movie
It's the kind of ending you don't really want to see
'Cause it's tragedy and it'll only bring you down
No I don't know what to be without you around
And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand
And I can't breathe without you, but I have to
Breathe without you, but I have to
-Taylor Swift-
~xXxXxXx~
He felt sick—physically and violently ill, like someone was kicking him in the stomach over and over and over again. Everything hurt. All of it. Every last inch of him. He didn't understand what was happening. All he knew was the hardness of the ground beneath him, and the steady stream of tears flowing down his cheeks and across the bridge of his nose. His own voice was screaming a mantra in his head: Why? Why is this happening to me? Why?
He had been dumped by Draco Malfoy…and he hadn't even seen it coming.
Maybe that was why it was so much worse. Maybe he could've felt differently if he had been prepared. But how could he have possibly been prepared for something like this?
~xXxXxXx~(Just over 2 years ago) ~xXxXxXx~
"You're looking nice today, Draco."
The blonde raised a questioning brow, but didn't bother to look up from the paperwork he was currently agonizing over. "I wasn't aware that a drunken snog session merited putting us on a first name basis, Potter."
Harry blushed deeply. He felt suddenly very small in the doorway of Draco's office. "Would you prefer that I call you Malfoy?"
"No," Draco replied, signing his name at the bottom of a document with a graceful flourish. "I like the way my first name sounds in your voice. It sounds to me like you're saying 'I adore you', and I do love being adored."
The blonde flashed him a quick grin that had Harry blushing more furiously than ever. The Gryffindor shuffled back and forth nervously, wanting to venture father into the room but at the same time too scared to make the move. But this was it—he had to take the chance now or there may never be another.
"Well then—erm—Draco…would you like to go to dinner with me tonight?"
"I can't tonight," was the immediate reply.
Harry's heart dropped so abruptly that he thought it might pull him to the floor. Blinking rapidly in attempt to relieve the pressure building behind his eyes, Harry turned to leave, utterly and completely crestfallen.
"But how does Thursday sound?"
Harry spun back around quick as a top. Heat flooded into his chest and suddenly his heart was no longer in his stomach but caught up in his throat. Draco was looking up at him now, with grey eyes bright as stars and a smile that had Harry's insides melting. "Thursday?" he said, sounding breathless. "Thursday would be brilliant."
~xXxXxXx~(2 years ago) ~xXxXxXx~
Harry lay very still, basking in the afterglow of sex, his ears filled with the sound of Draco's light breathing. They were a mess of tangled limbs, still slick with sweat and radiating heat. Indeed, Harry never remembered feeling so warm as he did at that very moment. It was beautiful, and perfect.
Draco sighed dramatically, and gave Harry a soft wet kiss. "So I guess this means I'm officially your boyfriend now?"
"I hope you didn't think that you were leaving this room without a relationship," Harry said, grinning broadly despite himself.
"Oh I never dreamed of it, Harry. Never dreamed of it at all."
~xXxXxXx~(1 year 10 months ago) ~xXxXxXx~
The night was dark, and the December wind was dancing with flurries of snow. Harry and Draco sat huddled close together by a fire in an old coffee shop, determined to keep the winter chill out of their limbs. Not that they minded the cold much tonight—the snowstorm had scared off most of the usual customers, so they had the place practically to themselves.
"I don't know what it is about rollercoasters that's so different from flying," Harry said, continuing their earlier conversation. "Maybe it's that you don't have control? I don't know…I just don't like them, and…" he suddenly noticed that Draco was staring at him. Harry's heart stuttered, as it usually did when Draco looked at him for too long. "What? What is it? Have I got something on my nose?" Harry rubbed at his nose with the back of his sleeve for safe measure.
"No, it's nothing like that," the blonde replied, his eyes piercing and steady.
"Then…what?"
"I love you, Harry," Draco said the words quickly, all pushed out in one single breath, as if they had been held down for so long that they couldn't wait another moment to escape.
Harry was floored. Of all the things he had been expecting, that had definitely not made the list. "You…you love me?"
Draco's eyes widened slightly, and for a moment he looked confused, like the reality of what was happening was just now sinking in. And then the moment passed, and his features softened once more. After that, a sort of tranquil excitement settled over him, and it seemed to seep out of his every pore. The blonde inched closer to Harry, intertwining their fingers. "Yes, I love you. I know this may seem very sudden, but I do—I love you. After everything we've been through I didn't even think it was possible. After we graduated I thought I would never see you again. And then you waltzed back into my life, so completely unaware of how perfect you were. How could I not love you, Harry? Every moment I'm away from you is spent wondering when I'm going to see you again—every moment you're not in my arms, they ache to hold you. I'm sorry for the poor presentation of it. There should be roses and poetry and all that fluffy nonsense, but I just couldn't keep it from you any longer. I've never been so sure about anything in my whole life as I am this."
Harry's mouth opened and closed several times. His voice seemed to be caught in his throat, and his tongue was stuck to the roof of his mouth. He didn't even realize the tears slipping down his cheeks until Draco reached up to brush them away. How was it possible that this man before him could love him? What had Harry ever done to deserve something so perfect as this? He wanted to burn this one moment into his memory—sear it there so that this bliss could stay with him always.
"I love you too, Draco."
Draco laughed softly, and the sound was bright as the ringing of silver bells. "You love me too?"
Harry nodded, unable to stop himself from leaning forward and pressing his lips against Draco's. "Yes. I love you too."
~xXxXxXx~(1 year 5 months ago) ~xXxXxXx~
"Seamus, could you hand me that notebook over there please?" Harry asked, pointing across the cluttered table at a journal that was precariously perched on a large stack of parchment.
Seamus reached over, grabbed the journal, and tossed it to Harry, who caught it with ease. "I've already read it over twice, Harry. I don't think it's going to tell us anything we don't already know."
"I know, but there's no harm in a triple check." Harry plopped down in his stiff wooden office chair and opened the notebook to begin reading. He and Seamus had been pouring over this case for months now. Months and months of endless reading, and diagraming connections that were never quite satisfactory. Research and paperwork, paperwork and research; that's all they ever did as fledgling Aurors it seemed. So far, they had hit nothing but dead ends.
A few minutes later, Harry was pulled from his reading by a light knock on the door. The Gryffindor set the journal down and went to open the door. A smiling Draco with a bouquet of flowers greeted him on the other side.
"Good afternoon, handsome. These are for you." He handed Harry the flowers and planted a firm kiss on his cheek.
Harry blushed, glancing quickly back at Seamus before replying, "Thanks, but what are they for?"
Draco shrugged. "Nothing really. I just missed you."
"Oh," Harry couldn't help the infectious smile that pulled at the edges of his lips. "Well thank you again. They're beautiful." He brought the flowers to his nose, inhaling the lush sweet scent. Harry had thought he would be tired of lilies by now, but he wasn't. Ever since he had told Draco they were his favorite flower, they had been the theme of every bouquet he'd received. They were orange today, complemented by yellow daisies and white hydrangea.
"I'm glad you like them." Draco's gaze moved back to Seamus, "Sorry I didn't get you any, Finnigan. They were fresh out of potatoes."
"Up yours, Malfoy," Seamus said, with no real malice.
Draco laughed and shot the other boy a coy wink. He then turned to give Harry a smile that shamed the morning sun. "Right, well I should be getting back to work, but I'll see you tonight?"
Harry nodded, still blushing. "Tonight," he whispered.
The blonde brought Harry in for a slow sinuous kiss that had his insides melting. When they pulled apart both boys were breathless. "Tonight it is."
~xXxXxXx~ (1 year 2 months ago) ~xXxXxXx~
"Hey, Draco?" Harry said, knocking on the doorframe of the Slytherin's office. "Are you headed home? I thought we could grab dinner."
Draco was currently hunched over a large stack of papers, his quill flying across them with a startling speed. There were dark rings under his grey eyes, and his robes were uncharacteristically rumpled around the collar. Harry knew very well how hard Draco had been working these past couple of months. He was giving all he could to be chosen for a special actuarial position that was opening up in the fall, but the toll it was taking on him was more than obvious.
"Huh?" Draco grunted, not bothering to look up from his work.
"I was wondering if you wanted to eat dinner. You really need to eat something, Draco. It's not healthy to be working yourself this hard."
The blonde shook his head. "Sorry, Harry, I don't have time. I have to get this work done."
Harry's heart dropped like a stone inside his chest. "We haven't seen each other in weeks though."
Still, Draco did not look up. "Harry, please, this is really important. I can't."
"Well when then?"
"Just leave me alone, will you?"
Harry's teeth clenched together so tightly his jaw began to ache. He took a deep breath and blew it back out, forcing the tension out of his shoulders. "Alright, Draco," Harry said, unable to keep the knots in his stomach from bubbling up into his voice. "I'll leave you alone. Happy anniversary by the way."
~xXxXxXx~ (8 months ago) ~xXxXxXx~
"Harry!"
Harry turned to see Draco standing in the doorway of his and Seamus' office, absolutely beaming.
"I got the position!" Draco rushed forward, wrapping his arms around Harry's waist and lifting him up into the air.
Harry laughed as the blonde spun him around. "I knew you would."
Draco lowered Harry to the ground, allowing their bodies to slide together deliciously before he moved to tangle his fingers in Harry's hair. Harry released a content sigh as their lips met and his senses were saturated with everything that was Draco.
"Oi, get a room you two!" Seamus called from the other side of the room.
Draco pulled away from Harry, smirking. "Only if you join us, Finnigan."
Seamus snorted but smiled nevertheless.
"So, this means you'll be transferred to Oxford I guess?" Harry asked timidly. He was happy for Draco, sure, but secretly he'd been dreading this moment.
The blonde's eyes were still dancing merrily as he replied, "Yeah, I'll have to move—they're wanting me to live on residence. Why? You're not worried, are you?"
Harry tried to make his shrug nonchalant, but he knew his expression was as transparent as glass. He lowered his gaze to the hollow of Draco's throat, where the smooth perfect skin of his neck dipped down into the slope of his shoulder. "Yeah, maybe a little."
"Well you shouldn't be." Draco's hands moved to cup Harry's face, his thumb running soothingly along his cheekbone. "I love you, and I'm not going anywhere."
"That's not true. You're moving"
Draco rolled his eyes. "I meant emotionally you dunce. Don't you think I recognize how perfect you are for me? And besides, we're wizards—why do you think the apparition spell was invented?"
The dread in Harry's stomach seemed to lift a little. "Will I be able to apparate there directly?"
"Well…no you can't apparate directly onto the grounds. But I'm sure I'll be able to meet you often enough. We'll be fine."
"Yeah," Harry nodded, "you're right. We'll be fine."
~xXxXxXx~ (3 months ago) ~xXxXxXx~
"Draco, it's been over a month," Harry said, trying to keep the tremor out of his voice as he stared at Draco's face in the fire. "Can't I just apparate over for a few minutes?"
The blonde shook his head, grimacing. "No. I've got a huge file to finish up tonight still and I can't afford to leave the grounds to meet you. I'm sorry, Harry, but not tonight."
"But you always have files to finish. It's not like we can just wait for you to have a night off."
"I'll have time off eventually." Draco glanced down, and Harry knew that he was checking his watch.
Harry sat back on his calves and hoped that the tears welling up in his eyes weren't visible through the fire. He rubbed at the back of his neck, "So…you'll tell me when you're free then?"
"Of course I will."
Harry nodded, glancing back at the door down the hall behind which was a large empty room with a large empty bed. Everything had seemed empty for so long now. "I love you, Draco," Harry said, finding that even his voice sounded hollow.
"I love you too, Harry. Goodnight."
The fire flickered and died.
~xXxXxXx~ (2 weeks ago) ~xXxXxXx~
Seamus sighed as he finished up the last form in his report. "So I think I'm going to go up to Oxford this weekend to visit my cousin."
Harry felt himself tense. He turned around in his seat to glance at the other boy. "Oh?"
"Yeah," Seamus twirled his quill, "but he has a pretty small apartment, so would you mind if I stayed with Draco?"
"Um," Harry felt his stomach churn strangely at the proposition. He supposed it was just because it had been a while since he'd seen the Slytherin, but that was no reason for him to be selfish or jealous. He loved Draco, and beyond anything else he trusted him. "Yeah of course I'm ok with it, as long as he is of course."
Seamus grinned, "Great! I checked with him last night and he said it'd be cool."
"You guys…talk?"
The other boy shrugged nonchalantly. "Occasionally. Not often though—no offence but your boytoy is a bit of a gossip."
Harry tried to laugh at the obvious joke, but found that the sound came out broken. He cleared his throat awkwardly. "Well I hope you have a nice weekend with your cousin."
"Thanks, mate. I owe you one."
~xXxXxXx~ (1 hour ago) ~xXxXxXx~
"Harry," Draco said slowly, his image dancing in the flames in Harry's fireplace, "if something bad happened would you want to know?"
Harry laughed nervously even as his heartbeat quickened. "What are you talking about? Did something happen?"
"That isn't a response to what I asked you."
"I—well…yes, I'd want to know. Of course I'd want to know."
Draco sighed, looking anywhere but at Harry. "I made a mistake."
There was a moment then that seemed to stretch on forever. The sound of the fire crackling sounded strangely loud in Harry's ears, and a strange tingling sensation began spreading all through his body. He couldn't feel the tips of his fingers even as they dug into the carpet.
"I slept with Seamus."
At first the words didn't make any sense. They seemed nothing more than an incongruous collection of meaningless sounds. Harry shook his head, trying to clear it. "Sorry, what?"
"Two weeks ago when Seamus stayed with me…we got really drunk, and we slept together."
There was a strenuous pause. "Are you trying to tell me you had sex with Seamus?" Harry didn't believe the words even as he spoke them. It was impossible. He had known Seamus for years. They worked together. They were friends. They had seen each other almost every day for the past two weeks and everything had been perfectly normal. "You're joking right? This is a joke."
Draco's mouth pressed together in a tight line. He brought his hand up to pinch the bridge of his nose—something he only did when he was particularly upset. "Harry, I'm so sorry. Merlin I don't know what to say—I'm so sorry."
Harry was silent. His mind was reeling as he tried to piece together all the things that didn't make sense. But he couldn't. He couldn't believe it. He was dreaming. He had to be dreaming.
"So what…" Harry's voice fell off for a moment, "what are we going to do?"
"Do?" Draco's hand dropped and his grey eyes stared up at Harry, wide with surprise. "We're done, Harry."
Done? Harry felt a wave of bile surge up his throat. "But…I don't want it to be that way. If you just give it some time—"
"It has to be done, Harry. What I've done…it's irreparable."
"But, that's not fair. Why do you get to decide that?" Something was pressing in against Harry's chest, crushing his lungs so he could scarcely breathe. The very floor seemed to be crumbling away beneath him. He was going to fall, deep down into that dark place that had been nipping at his heels for so long.
"Because I have to." Draco's bottom lip trembled ever so slightly. "I can't let you forgive me for something like this. Harry—"
"That's not for you to decide!"
"Harry it has to be this way."
"NO IT DOESN'T!"
Draco winced but Harry hardly noticed. He could barely see though the thick film of tears welled in his eyes. He couldn't think. He couldn't breathe. It felt like he was suffocating. Draco and Seamus. Draco and Seamus. Draco and Seamus? He really needed to wake up.
"Harry," the blonde began softly, "I know I haven't exactly been there for you these past couple months, and I know I've messed everything up, but I want you to know how much I love you. I want you to know that I'm going to regret this for the rest of my life."
Harry didn't respond, just stared into the fire as his heart slammed painfully against his ribcage.
"I love you, Harry. I'm so sorry…"
And with a sudden rush of cold air, the fire shuddered and died, and Draco was gone.
Harry was alone in the cold darkness of his apartment, trapped in a moment he wasn't sure he could survive. "I love you too…" he choked on the words as they came up.
So yes...this is the story of my life lol. But anyway...sorry if this was choppy or confusing in any way! It was kind of a hard thing to write. But just so everyone knows, Confessions is no longer on hiatus. My beta has the next chapter now, so it should be up shortly.