Everything and Nothing

The first time, it was after the funeral. Most of the ship had returned to her house afterwards, an impromptu wake of sorts. While there were people around she managed to hold it together, but her shoulders sagged a little more with every friend who hugged her and said goodbye. Finally it was just she and him, standing mere metres apart in the middle of the lounge room.

He hesitated, should he leave her to grieve alone? Or did she want a shoulder to lean on? She'd told both Kate and Bomber that she'd be fine, that she would call them the next day. He stared at the carpet, moved a foot across his line of vision and back to the other side, then raised his eyes to hers.

Except she wasn't on the other side of the room anymore, she was right in front of him.

"Buff," she began, the volume barely more than a whisper. "Don't leave me," like he did. The unspoken end of her sentence hung in the air between them, as palpable as her exhalation against his shirt.

"I won't." He said gruffly, placing a hand on her shoulder in reassurance. She crumbled the instant he touched her, and he instinctively pulled her into his arms. She melted into his embrace, legs no longer able to hold her up.

Suddenly she was standing on tiptoes and turning his face towards hers. He stared into her tear-filled eyes, knew that he would do anything to erase the anguish he saw. And then all his thoughts came to a screeching halt as she placed a hand either side of his face and kissed him.

For a moment he responded, his heart leaping for joy that this was finally happening. Then his brain clicked on and he pushed her away. "No Nav." Even now, with her emotions as starkly on display as they were, he couldn't bring himself to call her Nikki. "Not like this."

She didn't try to touch him again, just stood in front of him, looking like a lost little girl. Her eyes were more blue than green in that moment, and for the briefest instant the colour reminded him of ET's. Then she opened her mouth, and her tears had caused her voice to take on a throaty, seductive quality that almost caused him to forget what had happened. "Please Pete. I need you to take it away. You need to take the pain away."

Buffer thought he was strong enough to resist her plea, thought he loved her enough to stop her from doing something she would regret, but then one of the tears shimmering in her eyes spilled over, leaving a glistening trail down her cheek. Before he was conscious of the movement she was back in his arms and he was kissing away the tears as they fell.

Carrying her into the bedroom, he laid her on the unmade bed reverently, treating her like the piece of china he was afraid she was. Their whites made a single puddle on the floor, as he refused her efforts to speed up; this was about comfort and love, and he was damn well going to give her everything he could.

Tears clung to her lashes even though her eyes remained closed while he was above her, only flying open when she came, and he pretended he didn't notice that the name gasped into his ear wasn't his own. She clung to him as if he would leave her like he had, leaving deep nail marks that would serve as a reminder of this day for weeks to come.

When she finally allowed him to move his weight off her and take her into his arms, she released no more sobs. Her tears still fell, dampening his chest and the sheets underneath them, but these were silent.

"I love you Josh, so much." Her voice was barely audible, and though not unexpected, the words still sent a stab through Buffer's heart. She finally succumbed to exhaustion and fell asleep, the emotional and physical exertion more than her body could handle.

He stared down at her, stroking her hair as he had done multiple times when she'd cried on his shoulder over the past week, and wondered exactly how he was going to survive this. It was one thing to love her from afar, to know that no matter how close they were, he wasn't the one she shared her heart with. But now that he had kissed her, touched her, made love to her, things would never be the same.

To stay or to go, those were his two choices. He could go, keep the memory of this night crystallised in his mind, and try to salvage some semblance of friendship with her. Or he could stay, hope she didn't hate him for being too weak to say no, and be there for her in every way she wanted him.

………………

Both Buffer and Nav were awoken by the sun streaming through the uncovered window. She smiled at the wall, and snuggled further into his warmth. It was only when she woke up enough to feel the hair under her fingers that she realised the arms encircling her weren't his.

Dread crept up her throat as she raised her eyes to meet brown, not the blue she was expecting. She pulled away from him abruptly, sitting up straight and pulling the sheet around her.

His heart wrenched as he observed the play of emotions on her face; from shock to confusion, to realisation, to sorrow. He berated himself for staying, he had known this would happen; waking up with a warm presence beside her would make her think it had all been a dream, a nightmare. And despite this knowledge he hadn't been able to drag himself away, the smile that played across her face while she dreamed causing him to remember Before, when the light still shone in her turquoise eyes and she occasionally treated him to a wide grin.

He reached out a hand to her, now able to speak her given name, "Nikki…"

But the spell was broken the moment the silence was, and she fled the room, almost tripping over the pile of clothes on the floor in her haste to get away from him. She flung out a hand to steady herself and a sparkle momentarily blinded him.

He sighed and ran a palm over his head. Every night she begged him to stay, and the fear in her eyes made him say yes every time. But by the time morning came she'd forgotten, and he had to watch her crumble once more.

It had been two months and she hadn't taken off her engagement ring.