The Secrets in the Telling
"We're trying the best we can to help you when you can't even save yourself and yet you are trying to dismiss us. You really are asking for ass-whoopin' arencha?"
Chapter 1
Trembling I write my dream,and recollect
A fearful vision at the midnight hour;
So late, Death o'er me spread his sable wings,
Painted with fancies of malignant power!
-Philip Freneau,
The House of Night
"Dear Kai,
Something bad happened.
I'm sorry I've become a burden.
I'll try to do better.
-Takao"
I was scrutinizing the letter, uncertain of the wording and in what to change. The ticking of the clock made me impatient and reading seemed arduous. It felt empty when I read the note to myself. There were few things I wanted written down, since, I am assuming, revealing such confidentially would leave him bewildered, thus disapproving anything happening. So I kept safe, again assuming that he would catch on by the little words in my note that something was, in fact, going disarray .
I hoped for a moment he would understand completely; that he had already known and was fine with it. And that it didn't matter because it wasn't my fault. I felt the need for reassurance.
Eventually, I crumpled and threw it out in my over-flowing trash bin of other rejects. I sat there and wondered of reasons why It had happened. I never knew it was possible for It to happen to guys, so I never suspected of It happening to me. And so, I am still somewhat in denial of It ever occurring
Questions of concern have been reached out to me after people started noticing what they claim to be mood swings and odd behaviors from me. It is something I could not help since I didn't even notice what I was doing at any given moment. My mind was always some place else. I do admit that my appetite changes, but I don't see how that is a big deal. Food still and will always be on the top of my love list.
Yuri persisted in asking me what the matter was. I was unsure whether to tell them or not. What would their reaction be? What would Jesus do? It all seemed awkward to me.
I'd ask them why they were asking me certain questions like 'was I alright' or 'was I sick' and every time they say "You're acting weird." "Weird how?" I'd ask, but I wouldn't listen to what they'd say next. I don't know why I do that. "Blah, blah, blah, blah, are you okay?"
"I'm just.. tired," Which wasn't a lie. They'd shrug it all off. I really hated when everyone kept asking me these questions. I mean, I was relieved that they were concerned and all, but my efforts of trying to forget any of It ever happened was failing and it was making me miserable. It made me more upset that I was too afraid to tell any of them, especially Kai and Yuri. They were always attempting to find out what mess I got myself into this time. I wouldn't-- couldn't-- budge.
Last week, Yuri cooked an entire meal for the three of us and I couldn't eat a bite. Everything had looked delicious , but I hadn't the appetite to eat any of it and I truly felt horrible. I kept apologizing and promised to make it up by.. Well, I didn't know how to make it up to him and Yuri was extremely mad at me at this point and I couldn't take it. My head felt like someone was exerting pressure on it.
I dozed off into a conversation with myself. About how society has viewed guys as the dominant sex. So telling someone that It happened to me might be taken as a joke when the words flow out of my mouth. I highly think that this is unfair. For instance, when you think about the word rape most people will think about a girl who was forced to have sexual intercourse by a guy. But who says that it can't be vise versa? And of course either sex can rape someone of the same sex. But are people more likely to believe what the female has to say because they are the most common victims in a rape case? Who's to say that some of them aren't lying? Over the past ten years, cases of Fake Rape have increased by 16. Many of the lying 'victims' have accused their 'rapist' and have descriptions of how they looked like. It's disgusting really what people will do to get attention even if it's just for a while. In the meantime, innocent people could be serving time for something they had not done.
Silent knockings echoed in my ears in the midst of my daydream. It took a while to realize a faint voice calling my name. It didn't feel real, but I soon recognized the voice to be Kai's. I looked at the sea of crumpled papers around me. Letting him in would be a mistake -- I was afraid he'd pick one of the rejects and read it.
I decided to get the door, but not let him In for whatever reason he wanted to. As I reached for the door I heard his voice muttering to someone else with no response back. I opened the door dubious of what to do if he forced himself in. I soon realized that that wasn't a problem .
Instead, Kai shoved a phone in my face as soon as I cracked the door open.
"It's for you. Hiromi's on the other line."
"Oh. Um, okay," I stammered. He cocked a brow at me as I received the phone from his hands. "Drop the phone at my place later." He then left me to talk in private with Hiromi. I wish I could tell him.
It felt awfully weird talking to Hiromi. She kept babbling about how she was planning to come and visit me with Kyoujuu and how we could all go to a concert and shop, shop, shop.. For her. It seemed she hadn't changed a bit. Even though I wasn't planning to do anything Hiromi was planning, I wasn't going to be a kill-joy so I laughed lightly and agreed to whatever she said.
It was good to talk about something that didn't mention me in it, but of course, that did not last long.
"Takao-kun!! You're not paying attention!," she howled.
"..What?"
"Takao, I'm going over there to find out what the heck's the matter with you. You haven't replied to neither Kyoujuu's nor my phone calls and e-mails. And we've been worried about you!
"I-I don't care!! There's nothing to worry about, Hiromi. I'm fine," I choked on the last sentenced still hoping she would buy it. Part of me wanted this conversation to cease and I thought I was kidding myself when I did because I very well wanted Hiromi to know. I thought she would be smart enough to know it without me having to tell her. I could hear her losing patience with me on the other line. She let out a humph. I kept to myself.
"Look Takao, I haven't a clue what's going on, but you know you could always talk to me. I don't care if you did the worst or stupidest thing in the world. I just want you to know I'm here to listen and help, okay? We're really are worried about you." Silence stole our conversation for a while and my head was getting fogged up. I wasn't capable of absorbing what she was telling me anymore. I did not understand. She might as well be talking in French.
"The guys have been telling me that you're not eating well enough. That you haven't been getting much sleep either."
I honestly hadn't noticed.
"I know you don't want to hear this crap from me, but I'd just like to let you know I'm--
"Here for me? Here to understand?," I suddenly cut her off.
"Well, yes."
I said nothing.
She said nothing. It was like that for some time.
Why had this conversation taken this course? It infuriated me having to remember and I secretly loved where the discussion was going. My throat was burning and it was hard to swallow.
"I don't think you can," I managed to squeak out. And I regretted those words as soon as they came out. She had me. Now she knew something was completely out of balance. I felt myself full of apprehension and satisfaction.
"Something really is bugging you. Would you stop hiding it!? Stop hitting yourself with a hammer already!"
Blah blah, blah blah blah blah, blah.
I didn't like her tone. It'd be easier if life came with a script or a manual of some kind. I'd be able to dodge so many things. How unfortunate for me. Life is filled with so many 'What If's' and 'Why's' that if you thought about everything like that you really could go crazy; always going in circles. I think it's what's happening now. I'm going crazy from questions I'm asking myself if I'm not crazy already. My chest is hurting.
"T-Takao? You okay?"
I didn't know what she was talking about until I tried to respond back to her. My chest hurt even more and I felt overwhelmed with anxiety. I didn't want to talk to Hiromi anymore. I didn't want to explain. I didn't want to face more problems. It frightened me, so I hung up on her while she was in the middle of a sentence.
I really could care less at the moment.
I decided to head over to Kai's to return the phone. I wanted to make it clear that I'd refuse any phone calls from anyone.
"Oh. Okay, that's fine." He looked at me intently. I hoped I was wearing my poker face. Sometimes I was afraid that Kai was able to read my mind. I don't think I'd like that very much.
"Well," I started, "I'm going to go back and rest. See yo--"
"It's six P.M.," he stated. Maybe it was, but what did he care? And then it struck me. Did he care? About me? The thought exulted me so much that I could hear the pounding of heart in my ears, my heart overwhelmed in my chest and the blood rushing to head. It felt.. Nice. I hadn't a clue why such a reaction occurred to me.
"I'm tired," I finally responded absentmindedly. Yet another awkward silence, more awkward for me than him. Not wanting to discomfit myself any longer, I turned around to head to my room. Stop me, I begged him in my thoughts. Invite me over. I worked hard to walk at an evenly slow pace. I think he knew. Call my name. Say something!! I was getting impatient
"Kai!" I heard Yuri rambling nonsense in the background . He sounded dangerous what with all the commotion in the apartment about wanting to find his kitchen knife. I thought he wanted to use it on me. Maybe it was best to stop by another time of day. Again, I heard Yuri shouting out incoherent words which I supposed was Russian. I think he asked who was at the door since Kai muttered back my name.
It was hard fighting back the tears and a pang of hatred and confusion struck me until he finally said,
"Wanna come inside?," imperturbably. I could still hear Yuri rambling. It sounded a bit dangerous to enter their apartment at the moment, but I didn't give two dog biscuits.