It was like love at first sight.
Except he didn't believe in love at first sight and he didn't know what love felt like. But he saw her-she smiled as she passed him-and he felt something. This deep connection. Like he was meant to know more about her then he does. And maybe that's what love at first sight feels like.
It's exhilarating. The way his heart speeds up when he's near her. How the blood seems to rush to his head. The way his stomach drops. It's like a drug.
He needs to more.
She was eating alone when he sits down across from her.
"Hi," he said when she looked up, startled.
"Oh...hey."
She can't put to words the wave of emotions that hit her. All she knows about him is his name (Jack Shepherd) and that he is a surgical resident. But there's something there. Something running wild in her mind, trying to get out. Trying to escape the small confinements of her brain and unfold itself out in front of her like the pages of a pop out book, showing her everything she used to know. Telling her why it feels like she's supposed to know more about Jack Shepherd. But nothing comes out, and closed up in her mind it's just a blur of senseless images that don't explain a thing. A flash of his smile. The feel of his lips (or how she'd imagine his lips were to feel, since she sure as hell wouldn't know from experience). And she's...she's angry. For an instant her vision blurs. She wants to scream at him. She wants to do anything she can to get back at him because he screwed everything up and it was all his fault.
She's beginning to freak herself out.
She blinks the fury away and looks up at him. She has no reason to be angry. She's heard he's an amazing doctor (as if he went through med school twice and has done it all before). And he's a nice guy, from what she can tell. And he's cute. She has to admit that.
She smiles at him and he smiles back. Then they laugh slightly and a little uncomfortably and eat in mostly silence. She doesn't really feel the chemistry. But he's back in that same seat, right across from her, the next day.
They talk this time.
He's ambitious. He's smart. He's had a tough family life and she can tell he's trying to prove himself with this job. She can see past a lot of the things he says and find the reasons behind it. She can read him well. Too well. It's a little scary the way she can turn him inside out and see the raw emotion inside. She's only known him three weeks.
Maybe it's a sign. Like they're soul mates.
They go looking for signs a lot. That should have been the sign. Their relationship was off. But they ignored it. They were young and they were fascinated by this connection that didn't quite feel like love. But maybe it was.
He'd stand outside a patient's room and watch her work. She'd turn and he'd smile and she'd smile back. But it made her uncomfortable, to look at him through the glass. An alarm went off in her head every time. She was scared to go out to him. Like as soon as she opened the door he'd pounce. He'd attack her and he'd escape because he didn't care about her and he just wanted to get back to Her and all she was trying to do was take care of him and make sure he had food and water and if she didn't go through that door and bring it to him he'd die and...Her strange stream of conciseness always ended with her wondering when she'll end up in the mental institution and opening the door.
He pulled out a ring at this big medical convention, proving he knew nothing about her because she hated public affection. Or maybe he knew and didn't care because he liked things his way.
He stood in front of her with that diamond ring and her mind was screaming that this was crazy but when she found her voice what came out was a "yes." He slid the ring on and her mind raced to think up all the reasons that this was a good thing. He was one of the sweetest guys she's ever dated (though that isn't saying much). He was successful (not that that really mattered to her, but she threw in anyway because it made her pro's list a little longer). She understood him. And there was that feeling. The not-quite-déjà vu that gave her goose bumps when he talked. That deep connection that she was drawn to. That made it seem like they had so much more than they really did. That made her think that maybe this is what it was to find your soul mate. And she didn't even believe in soul mates. But she didn't know what else to make of it.
And then of course that she'd humiliate him and disappoint all of these people if she said anything other than yes.
Maybe that's why he made it public. So that it would be harder for her to say no.
It was the second sign that this was a mistake.
She ignored that one too.
It was becoming hard to ignore all of the signs against them. The lure and exhilaration of their connection was fading. The déjà vu no longer fazed her. Their dinner conversations revolved around patients and who Dr. Shepherd could heal and the glory of modern medicine and all it could do. He was more intimate with his surgical tools then with her. It began to feel like there was a permanent wall of glass between them. Like they were always watching each other, hesitating before opening that door, trying to figure out what the others next move would be.
She took the pregnancy test in a stall in the fourth floor hospital bathroom. She sat on the toilet staring at the little pink plus sign (another god damn sign. She wished she could interpret the others as easily as this one. A plus or minus to answer all of her questions.) She wanted a baby. She knew that. So why wasn't she screaming in joy? Why wasn't she jumping up and down and running through the halls to find the father and tell him the great news?
Her dream that night was like a book with pages torn out. All these scenes that didn't quite fit together.
A kitchen, (but not her kitchen). A white shirt with a flowery design. She was smiling. White sheets on the bed. A body (but not Jack's) against hers. Laughter.
A southern accent.
Let's go for it.
The pills on the counter. A weird brand. DHARMA.
Passing the pills.
Not taking one.
Laughter. Two bodies falling back on the white covered bed.
By the time she awoke the dream had evaporated, leaving only a sour taste in her mouth and the lingering emotions spreading through her veins. But she had the answer to her question.
She wanted a baby.
She just wasn't sure she wanted Jack's.
She was taking a four year old David into town. Jack had a late shift and she and David needed to find him birthday gifts before he came home.
"Mommy, look!" David was at that frightening stage where guns were the coolest things ever and fighting crime was the best job on the planet. He stared after the police car in awe.
"I see, baby."
"I wanna drive one of those."
"Maybe someday," she laughed.
The cruiser pulled to a stop not half a block away and two men ran out. David looked at them with admiration. Juliet grabbed his hand, just in case.
The first man turned to look back at his partner so that Juliet got a clear view of his face. Her heart fell to her stomach.
It was unsettling, to say the least. This feeling was the basis of her and Jack's relationship, and now she's feeling it for someone else? She was almost disgusted with herself. She's been wondering if her and Jack were a mistake for a while, but this is the first time she felt like it was real. Like she had proof that they were misreading the signs this whole time, and that they really had nothing at all.
The guy turned back around, and his eyes met hers. He paused and they just stood there, starring. Then his partner called to him and he snapped out of it. They hurried down the block and Juliet almost ran after them. But she didn't. She bought a present for her husband and went home to give it to him. She pushed the mysterious blonde out of her head. Because this strange sensation was nothing more than an unexplainably vivid sense of déjà vu. It didn't mean you were soul mates. It didn't mean a damn thing.
Her and Jack were a sign of that.
Juliet often misread signs.